Unequal treatment

[Anonymous]

I would be really, really hurt. Talk to her and explain that by treating your son differently, she is hurting you as well as him. Explain that your nephews don’t “need it more.” See what she says. Think about how you might be able to scale back your caring for her and get her to outsource more, if she’s going to second-class citizen you and your son.

[Anonymous]

My pulled a similar stunt. She has always been bat sh&t crazy with money. My dad made a lot of money, but she always felt he didn't spend enough on her even with her entire part-time job salary being hers to spend. When he died and she started playing games with money including punish the one who is there for you most. She did not appreciate anything I did and when I started setting boundaries, the games with money went into full play. Once she involved the grandkids in her fiancial games I was out.

Detach, detach, detach! I would have her use her own money to hire a case manager, aides when needed and someone to manage her finances. I did the finance part because my brother and sister didn't want the job, but my sister is litigious and mildly paranoid so I knew if my mother didn't start making false accusations when dementia set in, my sister absolutely would.

She needs to see what it costs to hire people and deal with them. My mother is very cheap so she was livid having to pay (she has PLENTY of money) and didn't feel anyone was "worth it." She also had to deal with people dumping her.

I could then check on her and have a relationship with boundaries. I would not listen to her vent though because she was never able to give a sincere thank you for all I did. She was livid I would no longer be a free slave dealing with her mood swings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My pulled a similar stunt. She has always been bat sh&t crazy with money. My dad made a lot of money, but she always felt he didn't spend enough on her even with her entire part-time job salary being hers to spend. When he died and she started playing games with money including punish the one who is there for you most. She did not appreciate anything I did and when I started setting boundaries, the games with money went into full play. Once she involved the grandkids in her fiancial games I was out.

Detach, detach, detach! I would have her use her own money to hire a case manager, aides when needed and someone to manage her finances. I did the finance part because my brother and sister didn't want the job, but my sister is litigious and mildly paranoid so I knew if my mother didn't start making false accusations when dementia set in, my sister absolutely would.

She needs to see what it costs to hire people and deal with them. My mother is very cheap so she was livid having to pay (she has PLENTY of money) and didn't feel anyone was "worth it." She also had to deal with people dumping her.

I could then check on her and have a relationship with boundaries. I would not listen to her vent though because she was never able to give a sincere thank you for all I did. She was livid I would no longer be a free slave dealing with her mood swings.

Sorry to be clear I had her hire someone for finances because then the person can deal with accusations and produce all paperwork. When people play games with money they also tend to be suspicious with money. No way was I going down the road of having people accuse me of taking money doing a job I didn't want that is time-consuming. A friend of mine went through that and after a lengthy ordeal with lawyers she proved she had not taken a cent even though she was entitled to pay herself for her services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My pulled a similar stunt. She has always been bat sh&t crazy with money. My dad made a lot of money, but she always felt he didn't spend enough on her even with her entire part-time job salary being hers to spend. When he died and she started playing games with money including punish the one who is there for you most. She did not appreciate anything I did and when I started setting boundaries, the games with money went into full play. Once she involved the grandkids in her fiancial games I was out.

Detach, detach, detach! I would have her use her own money to hire a case manager, aides when needed and someone to manage her finances. I did the finance part because my brother and sister didn't want the job, but my sister is litigious and mildly paranoid so I knew if my mother didn't start making false accusations when dementia set in, my sister absolutely would.

She needs to see what it costs to hire people and deal with them. My mother is very cheap so she was livid having to pay (she has PLENTY of money) and didn't feel anyone was "worth it." She also had to deal with people dumping her.

I could then check on her and have a relationship with boundaries. I would not listen to her vent though because she was never able to give a sincere thank you for all I did. She was livid I would no longer be a free slave dealing with her mood swings.

Sorry to be clear I had her hire someone for finances because then the person can deal with accusations and produce all paperwork. When people play games with money they also tend to be suspicious with money. No way was I going down the road of having people accuse me of taking money doing a job I didn't want that is time-consuming. A friend of mine went through that and after a lengthy ordeal with lawyers she proved she had not taken a cent even though she was entitled to pay herself for her services.

This is good information. I’m very transparent with her finances and my brother and I are close, and her only heirs. I keep him in the loop but I could see her make accusations as she she’s. I appreciate the insight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this comes up pretty regularly on this forum but I find this forum a better place to vent than real life so here goes.

There’s always been an inequity in my family when it comes to money. My grandmother was extremely wealthy and my dad and his many siblings grew up in luxury. My grandmother was a narcissist and she used her money to divide and manipulate. Her money, her choice, but it really did a number on the kids who loved her unconditionally who she would rub in their faces the money she was giving the other siblings who frankly treated her poorly. There was always inequity and my dad never felt truly loved by her as he believed that she showed her love financially, and he was never a recipient of that love/her money.

Growing up I was always the one who worked hard (I was 13 when I started working). My brother, who I adore, was the dreamer and the risk taker and from his 20’s to 40’s he made and lost more money than I’ll ever earn in several lifetimes. Due to the volatile nature of his lifestyle my dad thought he should give my brother a monthly stipend to help support his lifestyle (million+ dollar home, lots of extravagant toys) while never offering a penny to me. I’ve been a government worker since I got out of college and my now XH and I never made more than $150k/yr combined at the height of our marriage. I’m stable but live a frugal lifestyle out of necessity.

Now my dad is gone and my mom decided a few years ago to start gifting $15k/month to her grandkids (my one and my brothers two). Mine is older than his are by a few years, my XH has remarried and started a new family and I’m the only person who mine will inherit from. My brothers kids already have college funds and trust funds set up from his wife’s family and may never have to work. My mom has decided that next year she wants to stop the gift to my son because my brother’s kids “need it more” and because she only sees my son once or twice a year (he’s in college and only comes home once or twice a year, and he splits his time when he is home between my house and his dads so she literally sees him
every time he’s home). My brother lives in another state and my mom only sees his kids once every year or two.

I know it’s her money to do with what she wants but I am her caregiver at this point and I juggle taking care of her (almost a full time job) with my actual full time job and as much of a social life as I can manage. I manage all aspects of her life and frankly that alone is pretty thankless. I just can’t help but feel really hurt and irritated at the situation. I know I need to get over it but it’s just one more glaring example of how unequal everything is. And before anyone asks, she can more than afford it.

I just needed to vent. I know I’ll get slammed for feeling bad about this and I am very grateful for what she’s already done. But it just seems so unfair (yes I know life isn’t fair).

Then charge her accordingly.

[Anonymous]

So do something about it. She doesn’t seem to value you or your son very much. She can pay for caregivers etc. or your brother can fly down and care for her since his kids are more important than yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So do something about it. She doesn’t seem to value you or your son very much. She can pay for caregivers etc. or your brother can fly down and care for her since his kids are more important than yours.

Yes, have her pay for caregivers. Since OP said she is close with her brother, I would not suggest he fly down more and create waves. I would just make sure he knows she is stepping back and he has her back when mommy dearest complains to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going tit for tat against your brother makes you look selfish and weak. Tell her you need them money and want her to pay you for your services or pay someone else. Express to her you would like to continue to oversee her care, but need to focus on helping your son and securing your retirement. Leave your brother out of it. I say this from experience- my irresponsible brother is clearly the favorite. In the past when I point out the obvious, there are negative consequences for me. (Example- parents bought me a crappy old car when I turned 16; my brother got a new sports car. When I pointed out the inequity, my parents dropped me from their car insurance. I was 18. They kept my brother on until he was like 26 or so).

Yeah the pattern is to favor one child and then gaslight and lie to the other or punish them for recognizing it's unfair