Unequal treatment
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Anonymous
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I know this comes up pretty regularly on this forum but I find this forum a better place to vent than real life so here goes.
There’s always been an inequity in my family when it comes to money. My grandmother was extremely wealthy and my dad and his many siblings grew up in luxury. My grandmother was a narcissist and she used her money to divide and manipulate. Her money, her choice, but it really did a number on the kids who loved her unconditionally who she would rub in their faces the money she was giving the other siblings who frankly treated her poorly. There was always inequity and my dad never felt truly loved by her as he believed that she showed her love financially, and he was never a recipient of that love/her money. Growing up I was always the one who worked hard (I was 13 when I started working). My brother, who I adore, was the dreamer and the risk taker and from his 20’s to 40’s he made and lost more money than I’ll ever earn in several lifetimes. Due to the volatile nature of his lifestyle my dad thought he should give my brother a monthly stipend to help support his lifestyle (million+ dollar home, lots of extravagant toys) while never offering a penny to me. I’ve been a government worker since I got out of college and my now XH and I never made more than $150k/yr combined at the height of our marriage. I’m stable but live a frugal lifestyle out of necessity. Now my dad is gone and my mom decided a few years ago to start gifting $15k/month to her grandkids (my one and my brothers two). Mine is older than his are by a few years, my XH has remarried and started a new family and I’m the only person who mine will inherit from. My brothers kids already have college funds and trust funds set up from his wife’s family and may never have to work. My mom has decided that next year she wants to stop the gift to my son because my brother’s kids “need it more” and because she only sees my son once or twice a year (he’s in college and only comes home once or twice a year, and he splits his time when he is home between my house and his dads so she literally sees him every time he’s home). My brother lives in another state and my mom only sees his kids once every year or two. I know it’s her money to do with what she wants but I am her caregiver at this point and I juggle taking care of her (almost a full time job) with my actual full time job and as much of a social life as I can manage. I manage all aspects of her life and frankly that alone is pretty thankless. I just can’t help but feel really hurt and irritated at the situation. I know I need to get over it but it’s just one more glaring example of how unequal everything is. And before anyone asks, she can more than afford it. I just needed to vent. I know I’ll get slammed for feeling bad about this and I am very grateful for what she’s already done. But it just seems so unfair (yes I know life isn’t fair). |
Anonymous
| You need to ask her to pay you if that’s what you need. Leave the pettiness out of it. |
Anonymous
| Talk to her. Tell her that you are struggling and could really use her help. If she wont buge, drop the rope and hire out people to do the things you do. She will be SHOCKED at how much it costs. |
Anonymous
| Going tit for tat against your brother makes you look selfish and weak. Tell her you need them money and want her to pay you for your services or pay someone else. Express to her you would like to continue to oversee her care, but need to focus on helping your son and securing your retirement. Leave your brother out of it. I say this from experience- my irresponsible brother is clearly the favorite. In the past when I point out the obvious, there are negative consequences for me. (Example- parents bought me a crappy old car when I turned 16; my brother got a new sports car. When I pointed out the inequity, my parents dropped me from their car insurance. I was 18. They kept my brother on until he was like 26 or so). |
Anonymous
| I would get everything in writing before she dies, if that's possible. Because she may leave nothing to you. And, wow, gifting someone $15K a month just because? What does your son plan to do with such a windfall? I mean that's more than a $100K a year job for someone not even out of college yet. I hope he invests and saves it, and that he doesn't even consider it in his budget for his own life and finances. |
Anonymous
| Why can't you tell her that your feelings are hurt? Explain yourself calmly and see what happens. |
Anonymous
| Hi OP, my grandmother was the same way. It's difficult. I chose the same path as you. I walked away with nothing, just to have peace of mind. |
Anonymous
+1 Don’t be a martyr. |
Anonymous
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If you are taking care of her then you should be paid. Discuss this with your brother and your mother.
and get a plan and written contract. |
Anonymous
| Your feelings about the inequities are valid. There is no easy solution. Ask her outright not to stop her payment to your son. Frame it as college is expensive and her help is necessary due to your financial situation. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| Drop the elder care. Notify your brother that he should take over. No explanation needed. Your mom is not a nice person. |
Anonymous
Not OP but my family outsources a lot of the family care and I still spend a lot of time managing everything |
Anonymous
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OP: state your case
In a few sentences tell your Mom -exactly- why your son should receive it |
Anonymous
| Tell your mom that she needs to ask your brother for care. |
Anonymous
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This is OP- typo in the original post, $15k/year gifted to the grandkids.
Thanks for the advice. I get by okay but it’s more the principle of the matter that bothers me. I need to talk to my mom and tell her how it feels hurtful and vindictive that she’s arbitrarily cutting off my son for no real reason (and she absolutely loathed my grandmother who used her money for evil). |