Adoptive parents, can I ask you a question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume you’re talking really only about domestic adoption where birth parents would have any say, so my own experience as an international adoptive parent isn’t relevant, BUT I will say that I’m also an international, transracial adult adoptee and it is nice, for once, to not be a conspicuous family (some of my kids were adopted from the same country I was).

re: "conspicuous family" discomfort: I'm a birth mother who placed a child with a family that did not look like us. Not interracial or international, but different hair color, height, features. Fast forward to now, after we've spoken at length about the experience of them being adopted, & that was something that created dissonance for this adoptee (now adult) growing up in their adoptive family. I hadn't really considered it to be a strong criteria when choosing the family but it had a big impact on adoptee growing up. I think the constant stream of Qs from strangers & not feeling similar (both body type, coloring, & mannerisms) was hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume you’re talking really only about domestic adoption where birth parents would have any say, so my own experience as an international adoptive parent isn’t relevant, BUT I will say that I’m also an international, transracial adult adoptee and it is nice, for once, to not be a conspicuous family (some of my kids were adopted from the same country I was).

Do you still feel conspicuous? After 20+ years, it is a non-issue that my child and I are different races. People may notice, but we are so used to it. Don’t feel “conspicuous“ at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume you’re talking really only about domestic adoption where birth parents would have any say, so my own experience as an international adoptive parent isn’t relevant, BUT I will say that I’m also an international, transracial adult adoptee and it is nice, for once, to not be a conspicuous family (some of my kids were adopted from the same country I was).

Do you still feel conspicuous? After 20+ years, it is a non-issue that my child and I are different races. People may notice, but we are so used to it. Don’t feel “conspicuous“ at all.

PP here. It’s funny because I didn’t feel conspicuous growing up at all- it wasn’t until I became an adult and the realization really hit me that we stand out as unusual. I’m almost 50 and there are still times I feel it.

I’m not saying every transracial adoptee feels the same or will feel the same with any degree of certainty…but I do think it’s a different perspective as the parent (presumably white) vs a child of a different race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume you’re talking really only about domestic adoption where birth parents would have any say, so my own experience as an international adoptive parent isn’t relevant, BUT I will say that I’m also an international, transracial adult adoptee and it is nice, for once, to not be a conspicuous family (some of my kids were adopted from the same country I was).

Do you still feel conspicuous? After 20+ years, it is a non-issue that my child and I are different races. People may notice, but we are so used to it. Don’t feel “conspicuous“ at all.

PP here. It’s funny because I didn’t feel conspicuous growing up at all- it wasn’t until I became an adult and the realization really hit me that we stand out as unusual. I’m almost 50 and there are still times I feel it.

I’m not saying every transracial adoptee feels the same or will feel the same with any degree of certainty…but I do think it’s a different perspective as the parent (presumably white) vs a child of a different race.

That’s very interesting! I have a friend who is a transracial/transnational adoptee and she chose to adopt as well, but from foster care. Her daughter is a different race from both my friend and my friend’s mother. I remember my friend talking about how she had mixed feelings and the international adoption process (not her parents but the organization) which is why she wanted to adopt domestically for her own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume you’re talking really only about domestic adoption where birth parents would have any say, so my own experience as an international adoptive parent isn’t relevant, BUT I will say that I’m also an international, transracial adult adoptee and it is nice, for once, to not be a conspicuous family (some of my kids were adopted from the same country I was).

Do you still feel conspicuous? After 20+ years, it is a non-issue that my child and I are different races. People may notice, but we are so used to it. Don’t feel “conspicuous“ at all.

How does your child feel?

[Anonymous]

Maybe she adopted the children of an estranged relative (sister, cousin, etc)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an old HS friend I stay in casual contact with on FB who has adopted three children at birth, all from different parents. The thing is, all three look like bio siblings (they are not), and they each look like the parents. If you didn’t know better, they could all pass as biological family. I’m sure she gets told all the time that her kids look so much like her (they DO!)

I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to ask her, but I’m so curious if adoptive parents “choose” their unborn children based on what the parents look like? I have a friend who used donor sperm from two different men who looked very similar (same hair and eye color, ethnicity, height, etc.) There was a whole vetting process, so I’m wondering if it’s something similar to that, or if they just somehow ended up with three separate kids who look like bio siblings, and who also look like the parents.

*I truly hope this doesn’t come across as insensitive! I’m asking here because it’s anonymous, so please don’t take this the wrong way!

You’re discussing different issues. With adoption, finding a child can be very difficult. Waiting for a child that you think might grow up look like you. It’s probably not as common as you may think because of the waiting.

If you’re using doner, eggs or donor sperm, then sometimes a parent will choose somebody who looks like themselves or their spouse. The reason for this is obvious. Having said that, that’s only one of many many many considerations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t shop in a catalogue for your child!

Most adoptive parents are praying for a healthy child.

You are way off base if you think it is like shopping for clothes or home accessories!!

I cannot relate for wanting your child to “pass” as biological. Adopted is not second best.

Speaking as an adult who is visibly not genetically related to one of my parents, I can tell you that I have been answering questions about that fact since my peers were old enough to realize that I didn’t look like my dad/my last name. It was a mild irritation when I was a teen. Now it’s just amusing to watch other middle aged adults try to figure it out. But anyway, some people may find it to be more than mildly irritating to answer those questions and may want to stave them off.

[Anonymous]

The birth mom chose me, snd my daughter is a different race than me.

[Anonymous]

adoptive parents who haven't done their work will gravitate towards families that may look like them. many white adoptive parents will adopt multiracial Black kids with the hope that they won't be as dark, and then they are confronting their racism at age 16 when the child is much darker than they were hoping

[Anonymous]

It really depends on how she adopted. Sometimes the agency or attorney chooses, but they usually push specific families or sometimes the birth mom finds the family and chooses (or offers and the family can accept or decline). I think our child's birth mom choose us as we are very similar to her parents, very similar. Her mom could pass for my mom/sister/relative.

[Anonymous]

As others have said, most commonly the birth mom chooses the adoptive parents, not the other way around. As a potential adoptive parent you can put some parameters on birth mothers you’re willing to match with, but you don’t get a book of birth mothers to choose from or anything.

I imagine birth mothers choose the adoptive parents for any number of reasons - I could certainly imagine a birth mom being attracted to a family that looks like her.

[Anonymous]

I adopted internationally and my daughter is a different race from me. Then i got married and i adopted my DH's 2 boys, who are also a different race from both me and my daughter. We have never felt "conspicuous" because we are such a close-knit family I don't think it would occur to us. Kids are now 20, 21, 22.

[Anonymous]

DD9 is Asian. I am not. It dis not matter to me in the least if we resemble one another. I always saw myself with an Asian daughter.

[Anonymous]

Birth parents choose and may choose families that look like themselves.