Adoptive parents, can I ask you a question?

[Anonymous]

I have an old HS friend I stay in casual contact with on FB who has adopted three children at birth, all from different parents. The thing is, all three look like bio siblings (they are not), and they each look like the parents. If you didn’t know better, they could all pass as biological family. I’m sure she gets told all the time that her kids look so much like her (they DO!)

I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to ask her, but I’m so curious if adoptive parents “choose” their unborn children based on what the parents look like? I have a friend who used donor sperm from two different men who looked very similar (same hair and eye color, ethnicity, height, etc.) There was a whole vetting process, so I’m wondering if it’s something similar to that, or if they just somehow ended up with three separate kids who look like bio siblings, and who also look like the parents.

*I truly hope this doesn’t come across as insensitive! I’m asking here because it’s anonymous, so please don’t take this the wrong way!

[Anonymous]

I guess some do. But really, people adopt kids of different races, so clearly not everyone cares.

[Anonymous]

The prospective adoptive parents don’t have much chance to choose. It’s the birth mother and the agency who is choosing you. Adopted DD happens to look identical to my baby pictures, but that was the luck of the draw.

[Anonymous]

The birth mother chooses the adoptive parents, not the other way around. The adoptive parents can say they are only open to babies who meet certain criteria, but I’ve never known someone whose criteria are “must have same eye and hair color as me.” However, you can choose countries to adopt from or areas of the country or particular agencies that make a certain look more likely (like Russia or Utah for blond hair).

[Anonymous]

Some birth parents choose adoptive parents who look like them so their kid won't stick out so much and they'll better be able to choose who they tell that they're adopted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The birth mother chooses the adoptive parents, not the other way around. The adoptive parents can say they are only open to babies who meet certain criteria, but I’ve never known someone whose criteria are “must have same eye and hair color as me.” However, you can choose countries to adopt from or areas of the country or particular agencies that make a certain look more likely (like Russia or Utah for blond hair).

It's a two-way matching process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The birth mother chooses the adoptive parents, not the other way around. The adoptive parents can say they are only open to babies who meet certain criteria, but I’ve never known someone whose criteria are “must have same eye and hair color as me.” However, you can choose countries to adopt from or areas of the country or particular agencies that make a certain look more likely (like Russia or Utah for blond hair).

It's a two-way matching process.

The balance of power, so to speak, does not favor the adoptive parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The birth mother chooses the adoptive parents, not the other way around. The adoptive parents can say they are only open to babies who meet certain criteria, but I’ve never known someone whose criteria are “must have same eye and hair color as me.” However, you can choose countries to adopt from or areas of the country or particular agencies that make a certain look more likely (like Russia or Utah for blond hair).

It's a two-way matching process.

The balance of power, so to speak, does not favor the adoptive parents.

The adoptive parents can say yes or no, but they are chosen by the agency or birthparents or both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The birth mother chooses the adoptive parents, not the other way around. The adoptive parents can say they are only open to babies who meet certain criteria, but I’ve never known someone whose criteria are “must have same eye and hair color as me.” However, you can choose countries to adopt from or areas of the country or particular agencies that make a certain look more likely (like Russia or Utah for blond hair).

It's a two-way matching process.

Yes and no. Most people who adopt through that route wait a long time. While they can technically say no to a match, it usually requires a pretty serious reason.

But I don’t think it’s uncommon for a woman looking at prospective families to choose one who reminds her of people she loves, and appearance can be part of that.

I will also add that of course a large number of adoptions are kinship adoptions including some wher the family doesn’t share that widely.

[Anonymous]

I also think that family habits and styles start to blend together post adoption so a kid may resemble their parent even if not bio kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also think that family habits and styles start to blend together post adoption so a kid may resemble their parent even if not bio kid.

I have adopted kids who have no physical characteristics that resemble each other or us and some even a different race. People always talk about how we and the kids look alike. No, they act alike because we’ve adopted each others’ mannerisms.

[Anonymous]

I'm a gay dad who adopted a son. My son looks like me (eyes, hair), just by chance. People used to be stunned when I said "he's adopted". I stopped saying it because it's no longer the story I want to tell to strangers about my darling boy.

[Anonymous]

Our adopted baby is 10 now and is AA and we are white. I’m sure everyone makes a different decision on this. We didn’t care about race/gender but not everyone feels the sane way we do.
You can’t lump all adoptive parents together as one entity.

[Anonymous]

You don’t shop in a catalogue for your child!

Most adoptive parents are praying for a healthy child.

You are way off base if you think it is like shopping for clothes or home accessories!!

I cannot relate for wanting your child to “pass” as biological. Adopted is not second best.

[Anonymous]

I assume you’re talking really only about domestic adoption where birth parents would have any say, so my own experience as an international adoptive parent isn’t relevant, BUT I will say that I’m also an international, transracial adult adoptee and it is nice, for once, to not be a conspicuous family (some of my kids were adopted from the same country I was).