The in-laws who can never be pleased

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so over this scenario. BIL and SIL can never be pleased, we can never do enough or the right thing to make them happy. They say they want to come visit us, and then use our house as a launching pad to go visit others in the area instead of spending time with us (and without any invitation that we join them). We are treated effectively like a free VBRO. We have not had a holiday at our house in three years. We, unlike anyone else in the family, have to travel (fly) with a toddler when we do holidays elsewhere. Now we say we are planning to stay here for this Thanksgiving and not fly to them because they won’t be traveling as originally planned since they will have a newborn at Thanksgiving. We assumed they wouldn’t want to host Thanksgiving with a newborn and apparently we were 100 percent wrong about that and they are offended and hurt that we aren’t coming to them (again - we went to them last year and we’re supposed to rotate to our house this year). I am so depleted by this. They say they want a relationship but it doesn’t feel that way. It feels like they want us to dictate how we should act and feel at all times. How do I not blow this relationship up? I’ve really tried to keep my mouth shut but it’s exhausting.

I have been at both ends of this.

I have a family member who will visit, keep us on hold all day, show up late, come over like a storm and leave abruptly because they have set plans with other people. They do not sleep at our place. I’ve learned to not over prepare for them. I order out most of the time, and I’ve learned to be ok with it. I find it annoying because I’m always rushing to host them properly and they’re always in a hurry to leave. I feel used.

I have other family members that whenever I visit them (don’t sleep at their place, and we usually stay 1-2 nights) they demand that I spend all my time there because otherwise they think I’m using them as a launching pad. I stay there for hours, and when I want to leave to visit with friends in the area, family member and spouse throw a tantrum. I have to say, I need the mental break, so I plan a couple of other visits with some other people. I usually go in with food, and all the supplies I need, because they’re not ready for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Sorry to miss you this thanksgiving! As you’re figuring out already, travel with babies and young kids over the holidays is stressful and difficult! I don’t blame you for not wanting to do it, as I’m sure you aren’t trying to blame us for not wanting to do it two years in a row since we made the flight last thanksgiving. Enjoy your baby and maybe you’ll be up for flying down here for Christmas!”

Yes, that would be a perfectly reasonable response but the problem is it won’t be accepted. We are basically bullied that we don’t want a relationship, don’t care about them, are hurtful for something like this, or they will dig up some perceived slight from years ago and say this is just another example of that —- that’s what is exhausting to deal with and it’s like they are incapable of seeing how not reasonable they are.

You say your piece and let them deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They do come to see you, so to them it probably feels reciprocal. To you, it feels like they don't really spend time with you. I don't think either of you is right, or either is wrong.

There are so many IL threads where posters complain that ILs sit around like bumps on a log and expect constant companionship; and then there are many threads where ILs are complained about because they are more into activities, making the most of seeing other people, aren't completely dedicated to their hosts. That alone should tell you that different people view visits different ways.

As for this particular holiday, spend it where you want, and make no excuses or apologies. "We'll definitely miss you at Thanksgiving, but we're really looking forward to seeing you at [future event]." That's all you can say, and they don't deserve more justification or capitulation.

Do what works best for you, but at the same time, let go of YOUR rigid thinking, and accept that--when they visit you--they are doing what is best for them.

100% this. They sound flaky, but I hope you can reflect enough to admit that you sound stifling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So... you're choosing to waste time and energy over TG plans in May?

Also, if where you live is a plane ride away for them then of course it makes sense that they see their other friends in your city etc as part of the same trip.

If they’re going to simply use OP’s house as a hotel they can stay in one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They do come to see you, so to them it probably feels reciprocal. To you, it feels like they don't really spend time with you. I don't think either of you is right, or either is wrong.

There are so many IL threads where posters complain that ILs sit around like bumps on a log and expect constant companionship; and then there are many threads where ILs are complained about because they are more into activities, making the most of seeing other people, aren't completely dedicated to their hosts. That alone should tell you that different people view visits different ways.

As for this particular holiday, spend it where you want, and make no excuses or apologies. "We'll definitely miss you at Thanksgiving, but we're really looking forward to seeing you at [future event]." That's all you can say, and they don't deserve more justification or capitulation.

Do what works best for you, but at the same time, let go of YOUR rigid thinking, and accept that--when they visit you--they are doing what is best for them.

100% this. They sound flaky, but I hope you can reflect enough to admit that you sound stifling.

Honestly, I’m not sure what is stifling. We have other family visit who take time to see friends, do their own thing, etc., but they are still gracious and self aware as guests. I don’t have a problem with BIL/SIL not spending every waking minute in our home (actually the opposite), it’s that we are expected to accommodate the last minute changes in their plans and constantly make ourselves available on their schedule and while they get “credit” for (half) visiting us, the efforts we make are routinely deemed insufficient to meet whatever unarticulated expectation they have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Sorry to miss you this thanksgiving! As you’re figuring out already, travel with babies and young kids over the holidays is stressful and difficult! I don’t blame you for not wanting to do it, as I’m sure you aren’t trying to blame us for not wanting to do it two years in a row since we made the flight last thanksgiving. Enjoy your baby and maybe you’ll be up for flying down here for Christmas!”

Yes, that would be a perfectly reasonable response but the problem is it won’t be accepted. We are basically bullied that we don’t want a relationship, don’t care about them, are hurtful for something like this, or they will dig up some perceived slight from years ago and say this is just another example of that —- that’s what is exhausting to deal with and it’s like they are incapable of seeing how not reasonable they are.

Ok, so what?
‘Well, sorry you feel this way, it’s just won’t work this time”
“No thanks”
“Sorry your feelings are hurt, it’s not our intention, it just does not work”
“OK”
Blank Stare
You are grown, stop trying to anticipate and circumvent other grown folks getting in their feelings.
Free yourself from the burden of the opinion of others!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They do come to see you, so to them it probably feels reciprocal. To you, it feels like they don't really spend time with you. I don't think either of you is right, or either is wrong.

There are so many IL threads where posters complain that ILs sit around like bumps on a log and expect constant companionship; and then there are many threads where ILs are complained about because they are more into activities, making the most of seeing other people, aren't completely dedicated to their hosts. That alone should tell you that different people view visits different ways.

As for this particular holiday, spend it where you want, and make no excuses or apologies. "We'll definitely miss you at Thanksgiving, but we're really looking forward to seeing you at [future event]." That's all you can say, and they don't deserve more justification or capitulation.

Do what works best for you, but at the same time, let go of YOUR rigid thinking, and accept that--when they visit you--they are doing what is best for them.

100% this. They sound flaky, but I hope you can reflect enough to admit that you sound stifling.

Honestly, I’m not sure what is stifling. We have other family visit who take time to see friends, do their own thing, etc., but they are still gracious and self aware as guests. I don’t have a problem with BIL/SIL not spending every waking minute in our home (actually the opposite), it’s that we are expected to accommodate the last minute changes in their plans and constantly make ourselves available on their schedule and while they get “credit” for (half) visiting us, the efforts we make are routinely deemed insufficient to meet whatever unarticulated expectation they have.

You spend wayyyyy too much energy on how they feel.

[Anonymous]

The issue is you. They’re incapable of being pleased and you’re a people pleaser. That’s a bad combo. You’re so caught up in managing their feelings. The only person you can change here is you. So stop being a people pleaser and feelings manager. Focus instead on just acknowledging their feelings and moving on:

“So you’re feeling hurt that we’re planning to stay here for Thanksgiving. You’re disappointed. I get that. Maybe we can match up our schedules next time.”

And stop bean counting. You’re using terms like “credit” in relation to visits. Just stop. It’s not a good look.

[Anonymous]

OP: “But it’s not faiiiiirrrrr and they aren’t faiiiiiiirrrrrr.”

Grown adults: “Right, so like life, then.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue is you. They’re incapable of being pleased and you’re a people pleaser. That’s a bad combo. You’re so caught up in managing their feelings. The only person you can change here is you. So stop being a people pleaser and feelings manager. Focus instead on just acknowledging their feelings and moving on:

“So you’re feeling hurt that we’re planning to stay here for Thanksgiving. You’re disappointed. I get that. Maybe we can match up our schedules next time.”

And stop bean counting. You’re using terms like “credit” in relation to visits. Just stop. It’s not a good look.

I think OP is saying the in laws are the bean counters but selective about which beans they are counting. But agree, bean counting with family is pretty much never a good approach.

[Anonymous]

It seems to me like your husband should be managing his sibling