The in-laws who can never be pleased
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| I am so over this scenario. BIL and SIL can never be pleased, we can never do enough or the right thing to make them happy. They say they want to come visit us, and then use our house as a launching pad to go visit others in the area instead of spending time with us (and without any invitation that we join them). We are treated effectively like a free VBRO. We have not had a holiday at our house in three years. We, unlike anyone else in the family, have to travel (fly) with a toddler when we do holidays elsewhere. Now we say we are planning to stay here for this Thanksgiving and not fly to them because they won’t be traveling as originally planned since they will have a newborn at Thanksgiving. We assumed they wouldn’t want to host Thanksgiving with a newborn and apparently we were 100 percent wrong about that and they are offended and hurt that we aren’t coming to them (again - we went to them last year and we’re supposed to rotate to our house this year). I am so depleted by this. They say they want a relationship but it doesn’t feel that way. It feels like they want us to dictate how we should act and feel at all times. How do I not blow this relationship up? I’ve really tried to keep my mouth shut but it’s exhausting. |
Anonymous
| “Sorry to miss you this thanksgiving! As you’re figuring out already, travel with babies and young kids over the holidays is stressful and difficult! I don’t blame you for not wanting to do it, as I’m sure you aren’t trying to blame us for not wanting to do it two years in a row since we made the flight last thanksgiving. Enjoy your baby and maybe you’ll be up for flying down here for Christmas!” |
Anonymous
|
They do come to see you, so to them it probably feels reciprocal. To you, it feels like they don't really spend time with you. I don't think either of you is right, or either is wrong.
There are so many IL threads where posters complain that ILs sit around like bumps on a log and expect constant companionship; and then there are many threads where ILs are complained about because they are more into activities, making the most of seeing other people, aren't completely dedicated to their hosts. That alone should tell you that different people view visits different ways. As for this particular holiday, spend it where you want, and make no excuses or apologies. "We'll definitely miss you at Thanksgiving, but we're really looking forward to seeing you at [future event]." That's all you can say, and they don't deserve more justification or capitulation. Do what works best for you, but at the same time, let go of YOUR rigid thinking, and accept that--when they visit you--they are doing what is best for them. |
Anonymous
Yes, that would be a perfectly reasonable response but the problem is it won’t be accepted. We are basically bullied that we don’t want a relationship, don’t care about them, are hurtful for something like this, or they will dig up some perceived slight from years ago and say this is just another example of that —- that’s what is exhausting to deal with and it’s like they are incapable of seeing how not reasonable they are. |
Anonymous
NP. Welp, you can't control that. All you can do is control your current and future courses of action by doing what is best for you. "I'm sorry you feel that way. We are interested in having a relationship, and we will continue to host you and to visit you when it works for everyone. Enjoy your holiday." What you want, essentially, is for them to think and feel and behave differently. That's your problem, but it's a problem you can change. Because you can't control people. |
Anonymous
It's only exhausting if you care. If you drop the rope, you won't be exhausted. If you stop giving them so much mental real estate, you won't be exhausted. If you stop trying to control their responses and the way they feel, you won't be exhausted. |
Anonymous
| Make this your husband's problem because it's your husband's family. If he wants to let them make him feel bad, that's on him. Step away. Drop the rope. Stop caring. |
Anonymous
That’s fair - I do want them to behave differently and that is the problem or at least some of it. I somehow need to let go of the guilt of them not being happy bc I don’t always agree with how they want to approach things and that’s ok. |
Anonymous
Who cares if it’s accepted? As you said, it’s a perfectly reasonable (albeit passive aggressive) response. You could try to push it if they push back, and say “well hold on, you’re refusing to fly down here because you’ll have a baby even though you expected us to visit when WE had a baby and are now expecting us to do it two years running with a toddler, or else be accused of not wanting a relationship?” But that seems like a lot of effort |
Anonymous
| Ignore them. Better yet, cut thrm out. They sound utterly toxic and I have no desire for people like that in my life. Family or not |
Anonymous
Agree with dropping the rope. No gift or card I ever gave my mother was ever "right" so I eventually stopped giving her any. She was VERY hurt. It devolved to the point where I'd just text her "happy birthday/valentine's day/whatever" and she'd be SO appreciative after years of absolutely nothing from me. |
Anonymous
|
So... you're choosing to waste time and energy over TG plans in May?
Also, if where you live is a plane ride away for them then of course it makes sense that they see their other friends in your city etc as part of the same trip. |
Anonymous
|
I would have great satisfaction in pointing out to them all the ways they're being selfish. |
Anonymous
| So they changed the “rotate every year” policy and they’re mad at you?? That’s rich and I would have starting laughing. Has SIL even had her baby yet? If not, I can guarantee the plans will change. Don’t make yourself crazy here. If you travel every holiday, you will start to hate holidays. Maybe consider going every 3 years or something more manageable to you and your family. |
Anonymous
|
Where is your spouse in all of this? What does your spouse want to do?
The reality is you have to stop caring what these people think or say. I’m not sure why you speak to them and don’t just let your spouse handle it. Do you have a spouse problem? Or just a “you need to let it go” problem? |