How do you raise girls who are confident about their looks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s so much nuance here, it’s hard to give you concrete advice.

On a personal front, I agree with other posters saying you should tell your daughter she’s beautiful. My parents NEVER told me. I think their intentions were good... But I wish I had heard that growing up.

On the flip side, they also never commented on my weight (I was and still am thin due to genetics). I think this was good - I want to be healthy but I never had a fear of gaining weight or thinking that being a size 2 defined me.

The vast majority of kids just look like kids. Not pretty, not ugly, just kids. There is a subset of girls who will get a lot of positive feedback from people for being “beautiful.” Maybe it’s their complexion, or their clothes, or just that they have a nice composite looking kid face. It doesn’t always translate that they’ll be beautiful as adults. If your daughter does get lots of positive external feedback on her looks, I would make sure she knows she’s wayyyy more than that.

On the flip side, a small subset of kids are just unfortunate looking - maybe a bad combination of mom and dad’s genes - or have an “off” feature. One of my kid’s eyes just look… off. Sort of like Emma Stone or Anne Hathaway. When she was four, she came home crying and saying he hated her eyes. It broke my heart. I’m guessing another kid said something to her. Since then, we have really played up her eyes. We often talk about how much we love them, we find the best hairstyles for her features, etc. She’s only six and already interested in the power of makeup (which I don’t love, but I want to empower her to love or at least accept all her features). So you can learn and adapt as you go depending on your daughter’s genes, what feedback she gets, etc.

I'm not getting this. One of your kids has eyes like a movie star and that's bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk about calories, weight, etc around your kids. Promote a healthy body for health, not weight or appearance. Don't make comments about others bodies, appearance, clothes, etc even if its nice. The negative comments are for obvious reasons but the positive one can have negative impacts too. My cousin is absolutely gorgeous by any definition. You cant help but negatively compare yourself to her when everyone else compliments her

And I know this is controversial, but its ok to tell your kid they are pretty, handsome, whatever. It is a self esteem boost to have someone call you that. Yes, highlight all the areas that are great about them that aren't their appearance, but I still think its important to hear you're pretty.

A lot of this. We just don’t talk about physical appearance of other people. When it comes up, I just say something like “yes, she/he does look nice, but are they funny, kind, smart, etc.” I do tell me kid she looks great and is pretty. But she also knows it is at what is actually important to her.

I did think it was interesting what another person said about not being with all rich, white girls. My daughter goes to a Spanish immersion school and most of her friends are not white— I wonder if that has helped.

Two things that surprised me. When she was about nine, my dad commented about going on a diet. My daughter literally didn’t know what he meant. She said to me “what did granddaddy mean? Your diet is just what you eat.” I was quite happy we made it to fourth grade without her knowing what a diet was.

Then, in fifth grade she asked me “why is it bad to be overweight and why is losing weight stressful?” Her good friend has confided that she was trying to lose weight and that it was really hard and stressful. So, this was really the first time at age 10, someone she knew was bringing this up. Again, I was glad we made it this long.

DH and I are very healthy and eat very healthy. We didn't ever mention or talk about weights. She straight up asked us at the beginning of first grade to explain why some people are fat and others aren't. She didn't get it at all. She has an obese grandparent who she loves dearly, but clearly sees that they can't do as many activities or vacations because of their weight. She was worried it would happen to her too. It's a hard, complicated topic.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm not really sure how much you can control this if your kids are in a school social environment. Unattractive people are treated differently than attractive people, and I'm not sure how helpful it is to deny this.

The reality is that attractive looks and body are almost always the primary factor in spouse selection, especially for men. No one likes to admit it, but we all know it's true.

"Looking good" is an ever shifting unattainable ideal which is perpetuated by advertisers and male supremacy culture. My goal is to have my daughters be self confident in general, and not to focus specifically on appearance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk about calories, weight, etc around your kids. Promote a healthy body for health, not weight or appearance. Don't make comments about others bodies, appearance, clothes, etc even if its nice. The negative comments are for obvious reasons but the positive one can have negative impacts too. My cousin is absolutely gorgeous by any definition. You cant help but negatively compare yourself to her when everyone else compliments her

And I know this is controversial, but its ok to tell your kid they are pretty, handsome, whatever. It is a self esteem boost to have someone call you that. Yes, highlight all the areas that are great about them that aren't their appearance, but I still think its important to hear you're pretty.

I think there is something to this. I was objective not bad looking, but thought I was because I felt at times like "if even my mother doesn't tell me I am pretty..." Basically, as a mother, you can't win

[Anonymous]

Something I haven't seen mentioned here but I think is a reality is to do everything within your power to make sure your child IS objectively attractive. Feed them healthful, nourishing foods to give them the best chance at a healthy body - health is attractive. Keep them clean when they are babies, and teach them good hygiene habits when they are older. Comb her hair and take her for regular haircuts/trims so that it doesn't look scraggly. Buy her clothes that fit well and are cute, and throw them away once they become stained or ripped. Once she is old enough, teach her how to use makeup appropriately and other hygiene/self-care practices. So much of being attractive and confident comes from being well put together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will get flamed for this but - send them to a school with a high Black and/or Hispanic population. My friends whose girls go to such schools say their kids are much more comfortable with their bodies and less materialistic. Being in a wealthy White culture can be brutal for the self-esteem.

This implies all schools with white kids are rich. You never met poor white kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something I haven't seen mentioned here but I think is a reality is to do everything within your power to make sure your child IS objectively attractive. Feed them healthful, nourishing foods to give them the best chance at a healthy body - health is attractive. Keep them clean when they are babies, and teach them good hygiene habits when they are older. Comb her hair and take her for regular haircuts/trims so that it doesn't look scraggly. Buy her clothes that fit well and are cute, and throw them away once they become stained or ripped. Once she is old enough, teach her how to use makeup appropriately and other hygiene/self-care practices. So much of being attractive and confident comes from being well put together.

+1. Your body is your tool to use to interact with and experience the world. Learn how to use it and how to make the most of it, but always know it isn't you. You can be born beautiful and then suffer a disfiguring accident, and then what? Are you erased? No. You are still you. It's just that you now will experience the world differently. Realize that's all it is. When you see that your body is just a tool, then you can focus on making the most of whatever tool you have.

[Anonymous]

Just saw something helpful on this from a therapist, went back to look and sharing. A little cheesy but I found it helpful.
Don't celebrate them for their appearance - celebrate them when they listen to their bodies, when they are lighting up about things they love or choosing to do things to take care of themselves and backing away from things that don't feel good to them. Teach them gratitude for all the things their body does - the way their eyes give them sight, their voice allows them to communicate to others, their arms to hug, their face for sharing with the world what they feel.

And modeling for them because the opposite of poor body image isn't believing that you are beautiful. It is believing that your presence is more valuable than your appearance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something I haven't seen mentioned here but I think is a reality is to do everything within your power to make sure your child IS objectively attractive. Feed them healthful, nourishing foods to give them the best chance at a healthy body - health is attractive. Keep them clean when they are babies, and teach them good hygiene habits when they are older. Comb her hair and take her for regular haircuts/trims so that it doesn't look scraggly. Buy her clothes that fit well and are cute, and throw them away once they become stained or ripped. Once she is old enough, teach her how to use makeup appropriately and other hygiene/self-care practices. So much of being attractive and confident comes from being well put together.

Personally, I think this is really misguided advice. I mean keep your kids clean because that is generally a decent thing to do when you can (but not something to obsess over and focus on). But this premise is really flawed.

Being attractive does not equate with good body image. Do you know how many gorgeous women I know with truly HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, body image? I mean, I some of the women I know with more standard beauty have some of the worst body image of anyone I know. And being too focused on your children's clothes and how they look is basically just a sure fire way to make sure they are worried about it too and putting their focus on their appearance. And since our appearance and bodies are always changing, that usually will lead to discontent because we cannot always look the way we did when we are 17 or 23 or whatever it is that we are eventually comparing too. This is a recipe for creating issues, not helping.

[Anonymous]

I also agree with others that it is a balance, you don't have to never say she looks beautiful but generally staying away from body talk about her, yourself, and others will go a long way. The point about not talking about others is really important. My mother never woudl have said anything about me, but she and extended family members would sometimes make comments about others - sometimes it was even positive "oh she's lost so much weight and is looking great!" But all of that is telling your kid your values and your judgement. Later when I gained some weight after college after a trauma, I could imagine what my mom might think from very small comments made about others. Even positive body comments about others are often weighted. So just really consider how you speak about others because kids listen and they learn your values through that. It is usually better to have the family guideline be no body talk.

being more neutral about your body is actually a much better place to be in my opinion. This is a place where you don't think about your body much - it is your body and it helps you get places and do all sorts of things for you but it is not something you are very focused on in day to day life, neither positively or negatively. If you're too into your body in a positive regard it is still taking up mental space and can be more of a focus keeping it the way it is that you feel so "positive" about it now. Just let it be her body and others be their body - we don't worry about them too much.

[Anonymous]

Also, question media you see that is talking about certain ideals of beauty or having body talk wiht her. Have discussions. Why do you think x character is so worried about x? Why do you think that commercial was trying to sell x that way? Help her learn early the nuance of our culture and why she will hear she should be x or y or look this way or that. Give her the gift of a curious mind who questions those things.

[Anonymous]

So I think that a big part of the beauty conversation is rooted in magical thinking that says your looks don't matter. We all know what this is not true but for some reason we don't want to say these things out loud because we don't want to traumatize anyone. I want to be kind to my daughter but I also want her to be clear-eyed. This is what I'm telling her:

- beauty exists, some people have it, some don't have it. It's a gift like any other.
- there is no such thing as "beauty no matter what".
- there are ways to make the most of your looks and you need to master them
- beauty matters, clothes matter, hair matters, health matters
- being fat is very bad for you
- beautiful people have some advantages but non-beautiful or average looking people have every opportunity to achieve things, to be educated, professionally successful, have friends, be good at things, find love, be happy. If you're not beautiful, it's not the end of the world, it's just placing lower on the scale in one small area of life.
- I point out beautiful people, buildings, clothes all the time, I think it is important to be surrounded by beauty and good lines as it informs your baseline perception of what is beautiful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not really sure how much you can control this if your kids are in a school social environment. Unattractive people are treated differently than attractive people, and I'm not sure how helpful it is to deny this.

The reality is that attractive looks and body are almost always the primary factor in spouse selection, especially for men. No one likes to admit it, but we all know it's true.

"Looking good" is an ever shifting unattainable ideal which is perpetuated by advertisers and male supremacy culture. My goal is to have my daughters be self confident in general, and not to focus specifically on appearance.

+1 it’s just reality. My mom always told me I was pretty, but my classmates made the reality known — the pretty girls did not want to be friends with me and the boys did not want to date me.

I chose to take pride in my intellect, but now I’m at a career stage where competition is tight, and guess who gets the coveted positions? Not the smartest women, but the prettiest of the smart women. Beauty always gives women an edge.

[Anonymous]

I was very self confident growing up and still am. I grew up in somewhat of a rural / farming community but on the outskirts of a big city. No one was focused on fashion or make up or clothes or appearance in my life. Women were viewed and seen as strong and capable and really no different from men. Women and men worked hard on the properties and were independence and responsible and expected to be like that from a young age. The focus of conversations were on real life situations, not on superficial appearance. Unlike the advice on here bodies and weight were not taboo topics at all but rather just another part of the everyday conversation about health and being strong and fit. It was a completely different life but a good one. I went on to work in senior administration roles without ever wearing makeup up or heels or dresses. Have always been confident and a big part of that I attribute to the responsibility and independence and decision making given to me at a young age. We took on a lot and learned we could do it well. We learned to asses and take on risk, not to avoid it. To be in hard situations and experience hard emotions and deal with it etc. It was kind of the opposite to the life of coddling and over protecting and keeping kids happy and always telling them how amazing they are. No one told me I was pretty but pretty wasn't something seen as important in our world. It was never something I put much value on at all.

[Anonymous]

The number one thing you can do is take care with your own words.

Meaning: bodies are just bodies. Big, small, whatever. We don't discuss other people's bodies. And when discussing your body, or your daughter's body, use terms like "strong" and "capable" not "fat tummy" or "big butt". It's hard, because many many other people outside of you will want to discuss it. I have to catch myself sometimes and I am pretty good about this stuff.

But you are the most important influence. Start un packing all your messed up ideas about weight, bodies and beauty now. It's never too late.