How do you raise girls who are confident about their looks?

[Anonymous]

My sisters and I grew up with a lot of self hate and pretty bad insecurities around our looks. Now that I’m pregnant with a girl, how can I ensure she does not develop body confidence issues?

I’ve already told my sisters they cannot talk about their looks bodies or weight around her. What else can I do?

[Anonymous]

Don't talk about calories, weight, etc around your kids. Promote a healthy body for health, not weight or appearance. Don't make comments about others bodies, appearance, clothes, etc even if its nice. The negative comments are for obvious reasons but the positive one can have negative impacts too. My cousin is absolutely gorgeous by any definition. You cant help but negatively compare yourself to her when everyone else compliments her

And I know this is controversial, but its ok to tell your kid they are pretty, handsome, whatever. It is a self esteem boost to have someone call you that. Yes, highlight all the areas that are great about them that aren't their appearance, but I still think its important to hear you're pretty.

[Anonymous]

Your instinct is spot-on that much of the damage is done by extended family. I’ve even had doctors fixate on my daughters’ looks but at least it’s brief.

No ads if you use screens. Toy ads sell “pretty” to toddlers. Point out beautiful garments or hairstyles that aren’t the typical beauty standard.

Send them to a less posh school. We went the international school route and it’s worked well because the beauty and style norms are more varied and there are frankly fewer moms whose looks seem central to their social position.

[Anonymous]

My parents did not emphasize beauty and prioritized academics. I grew up in a very loving and stable family. I think a lot comes from the father. My dad never commented on looks. I was always told I was pretty or cute. I grew up with a lot of confidence. My confidence does not come from my looks.

I have friends who are much prettier than I am who seem far less confident. I really think it has to do with their fathers and mothers.

[Anonymous]

Better yet, aim for a girl that doesn’t think about her looks.

[Anonymous]

Cultivate what can be achieved by hard work. Academics, ECs, volunteering etc. Teach them social skills, how to host, how to plan and bring together people. Teach them healthy habits. They can take care of their health, skin, hair, teeth, eyes, nails. Teach them to cook healthy meals and understand nutrition. They cannot fix the features they are born with.

A good hairstyle and smart clothes can make a person look well put together. Teach them correct posture and good manners.

[Anonymous]

Don't obsess about your own looks. Don't talk about needing to lose weight or hating how you look in that picture. Normalize not needing make up etc.

[Anonymous]

There is no such thing as a girl who doesn’t think about looks.

But model body positivity at every age - talk about how to fuel your body and how strong your body is. Show your kids your own love and compassion for your own body - embrace all the wrinkles and scars and stretch marks and she will learn that a woman’s body is a beautiful, strong, powerful thing no matter it’s shape or size or imperfections.

I regularly tell my daughters they are beautiful. And also that there is no such thing as “perfect” - and that I love their brains and hearts and every single thing about them.

[Anonymous]

Model body positivity and insist upon it to anyone spending time with your daughter. I have had to straight up tell my MIL, SIL and niece that we don’t talk about other people’s bodies. You can’t keep all the princess/beauty talk away, but you can reframe it by consciously telling your daughter that she is brave, tough, smart, kind as often as you tell her she’s beautiful.

But also— tell her she is beautiful! Because regardless of her objective looks she is beautiful *to you* and a baby deserves to hear they are beautiful in their parents’ eyes.

[Anonymous]

I will get flamed for this but - send them to a school with a high Black and/or Hispanic population. My friends whose girls go to such schools say their kids are much more comfortable with their bodies and less materialistic. Being in a wealthy White culture can be brutal for the self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk about calories, weight, etc around your kids. Promote a healthy body for health, not weight or appearance. Don't make comments about others bodies, appearance, clothes, etc even if its nice. The negative comments are for obvious reasons but the positive one can have negative impacts too. My cousin is absolutely gorgeous by any definition. You cant help but negatively compare yourself to her when everyone else compliments her

And I know this is controversial, but its ok to tell your kid they are pretty, handsome, whatever. It is a self esteem boost to have someone call you that. Yes, highlight all the areas that are great about them that aren't their appearance, but I still think its important to hear you're pretty.

This is nuanced but I think it’s important to tell kids they LOOK handsome/ pretty whatever, versus they ARE handsome or pretty.

Everyone has off times when they don’t look as well and most people look great when they put some effort in.

[Anonymous]

I grew up the smart kid and had tons of comments about my intelligence. It wasn’t until I was in college when I realized I was actually objectively pretty (my sisters got all the pretty comments). But I was so confident about my intelligence that I didn't really care that I wasn’t pretty.

That said, my 8 year old is still confident about her looks. She is biracial and regularly gets comments about how pretty she is. But she is also aware and proud of her other skills (strong reader and student, artist, singer, performer, etc). So make sure ur daughter has activity she can actively work on and see her efforts pay off.

We also intentionally put her activities where the students are diverse, not only bc of where we live but also to promote the fact that one look or size is not the norm and that everyone is beautiful.

Finally at home, she doesn’t have a mirror in her room. We also model healthy exercise and food habits and outlook (ie, we are mindful about how we speak about our bodies and are quick to neutralize stuff she she might get from ads, tv shows, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk about calories, weight, etc around your kids. Promote a healthy body for health, not weight or appearance. Don't make comments about others bodies, appearance, clothes, etc even if its nice. The negative comments are for obvious reasons but the positive one can have negative impacts too. My cousin is absolutely gorgeous by any definition. You cant help but negatively compare yourself to her when everyone else compliments her

And I know this is controversial, but its ok to tell your kid they are pretty, handsome, whatever. It is a self esteem boost to have someone call you that. Yes, highlight all the areas that are great about them that aren't their appearance, but I still think its important to hear you're pretty.

A lot of this. We just don’t talk about physical appearance of other people. When it comes up, I just say something like “yes, she/he does look nice, but are they funny, kind, smart, etc.” I do tell me kid she looks great and is pretty. But she also knows it is at what is actually important to her.

I did think it was interesting what another person said about not being with all rich, white girls. My daughter goes to a Spanish immersion school and most of her friends are not white— I wonder if that has helped.

Two things that surprised me. When she was about nine, my dad commented about going on a diet. My daughter literally didn’t know what he meant. She said to me “what did granddaddy mean? Your diet is just what you eat.” I was quite happy we made it to fourth grade without her knowing what a diet was.

Then, in fifth grade she asked me “why is it bad to be overweight and why is losing weight stressful?” Her good friend has confided that she was trying to lose weight and that it was really hard and stressful. So, this was really the first time at age 10, someone she knew was bringing this up. Again, I was glad we made it this long.

[Anonymous]

There’s so much nuance here, it’s hard to give you concrete advice.

On a personal front, I agree with other posters saying you should tell your daughter she’s beautiful. My parents NEVER told me. I think their intentions were good... But I wish I had heard that growing up.

On the flip side, they also never commented on my weight (I was and still am thin due to genetics). I think this was good - I want to be healthy but I never had a fear of gaining weight or thinking that being a size 2 defined me.

The vast majority of kids just look like kids. Not pretty, not ugly, just kids. There is a subset of girls who will get a lot of positive feedback from people for being “beautiful.” Maybe it’s their complexion, or their clothes, or just that they have a nice composite looking kid face. It doesn’t always translate that they’ll be beautiful as adults. If your daughter does get lots of positive external feedback on her looks, I would make sure she knows she’s wayyyy more than that.

On the flip side, a small subset of kids are just unfortunate looking - maybe a bad combination of mom and dad’s genes - or have an “off” feature. One of my kid’s eyes just look… off. Sort of like Emma Stone or Anne Hathaway. When she was four, she came home crying and saying he hated her eyes. It broke my heart. I’m guessing another kid said something to her. Since then, we have really played up her eyes. We often talk about how much we love them, we find the best hairstyles for her features, etc. She’s only six and already interested in the power of makeup (which I don’t love, but I want to empower her to love or at least accept all her features). So you can learn and adapt as you go depending on your daughter’s genes, what feedback she gets, etc.

[Anonymous]

Don’t confuse beauty with worth. They are not the same thing.