How do you cope with the constant emotional blows?

[Anonymous]

I’ll add that it sounds like you are in the “rescuer” role, your sibling is persecutor, and your parents are victim.

PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can relate to so much of this. Only you can save you. If your family cared about you they would not be calling you "selfish" for finally setting boundaries. I too was a people pleaser and I tried to right by people who took advantage sometimes.

I am the poster on here who is not a fan of people coming on and saying to someone burned out who gave too much that "You are a good girl/child/family member!" and then you get the mixed message to take care of yourself and not do so much -all that stuff that made you a "good girl" in other's eyes. No, just no. The outside world should not telling you are good or bad, you decide what works for you. Setting ourselves on fire to keep others warm does not make us good girls.

I had a life crisis that forced me to set boundaries. When I got the insults in return, my life got stressful enough with the crisis that I finally gave up taking the high road and told off someone. I was very clear about how much I did, how little it was appreciated and how utterly disgusting it is to call me selfish for finally setting limits. I then pointed out to the person straight up facts of how using selfish with me was a pot kettle situation. I made it clear that insults and manipulation were off the table from now on. That put an end to that. You do you. You do your best within reasonable limits of what you can handle. Do not define yourself by what a bunch of takers say.

OP here and good for you!! I’m starting to do this now, and also learning to let the stubborn elders hit a wall. Hate to do, but it’s all that’s left. My sister went on a tear the other day, asking what’s to become of her when my folks have to sell the house to provide for their own elder care due to the loss of one SS check when the other dies. The fact she’s had free rent for 20+ years, chose to work part-time in a low paying field, and saved nothing, doesn’t even enter into the equation. It’s clear now she expected me to provide her free accommodation for the rest of her life, when she can easily work full-time and provide for herself.

Amazing what you find out when you set boundaries.

Wow op. You are dealing with so much and having to deal with her too. I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm delighted to read the change in your attitude, OP. Sounds like you need a sit-down with your sister to let her know you do not intend to provide for her, but you can help her get a new job so she can stand on her own two feet. You can help her practice interviewing or edit her resume. Maybe you can help her job search if you're willing. She is scared, which is understandable. It's why I strongly advise all people to live on their own at some point. You have to know you can take care of yourself and she does not know this. She can do it, though, and maybe feeling your confidence in her will help.

This is more of the same abusive/dependent stuff op should not get involved in. Her sister is an adult who needs to adult. It is crazy for you to assume that op should do anything to make her sister more dependent upon her.

[Anonymous]

Get involved with an organization that is doing meaningful work that is full of 20 and 30 somethings. Or a club or activity filled with young people. It really helps to expand your social circle downward in age, so everyone you know isn't going through all these health crises. (Of course they are mostly all having relationship/infertility/childcare/in-law problems, but that's a different kettle of fish!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get involved with an organization that is doing meaningful work that is full of 20 and 30 somethings. Or a club or activity filled with young people. It really helps to expand your social circle downward in age, so everyone you know isn't going through all these health crises. (Of course they are mostly all having relationship/infertility/childcare/in-law problems, but that's a different kettle of fish!)

OP here. Um, I have no time for that The last thing I need is more responsibility to people who are dependent on me for something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm delighted to read the change in your attitude, OP. Sounds like you need a sit-down with your sister to let her know you do not intend to provide for her, but you can help her get a new job so she can stand on her own two feet. You can help her practice interviewing or edit her resume. Maybe you can help her job search if you're willing. She is scared, which is understandable. It's why I strongly advise all people to live on their own at some point. You have to know you can take care of yourself and she does not know this. She can do it, though, and maybe feeling your confidence in her will help.

This is more of the same abusive/dependent stuff op should not get involved in. Her sister is an adult who needs to adult. It is crazy for you to assume that op should do anything to make her sister more dependent upon her.

OP. Yep. I know she loves what she does but it doesn’t pay the bills. I’m sure she’s trying to keep things status quo there until she can also collect social security. While I’m appreciative of the help she gives my folks (and she does for sure), it’s also very enabling for them, so they stay in a bad situation and doesn’t allow any planning. Crisis WILL hit, and they have NO liquid means to pay for that. And then the big scramble begins. I don’t want one of my folks in a medicaid nursing home while the other stays in house with my sister on reduced social security which is not enough to pay the bills. Relocate and sell now, and every single problem is solved. My sister can still live with them to help in a downsized home, they can hire someone to help them when needed while my sister works her day hours, and their reduced expenses means they can live on social security, even if one of the spouse passes. Staying in that house is the reason they are in such a bad situation. If they made the decision to change, the WORST that happens is that they rent a nice villa in the same area. Otherwise they can move back East where there is plenty of family to help, into a home that we own, where medical care, etc, is great. Or they can buy a nice condo in a place in the same Eastern location tailor made for elderly in their exact situation. Heck, we can even kick in a chunk of change from the sale of the West coast home they refused for the condo purchase, since it would be an investment for us as well. SO many options and they choose utter disaster.

[Anonymous]

If it's somehow "easier" for everyone to maintain the status quo now, rather than position themselves for future health or financial trouble, they're going to do that. My family members are the same. I'm the one reminding them to get their ducks in a row now while it makes the most sense, they don't want to think about the future so they focus on today, next week or two.

OP, as you have no doubt seen on this board over and over, your parents and sister aren't going to see the situation in the same way as you. Work on your own emotional and financial boundaries. Figure out just what you are willing to do and give (even if that is nothing) and then separate yourself.

Some of us just know "this isn't going to end well" re: family members and have to keep living our own lives. It's hard and it sucks, but here we are.

[Anonymous]

In a similar situation but worse because sandwiched. I find that even when I'm not spending oodles of time taking care of boomers I can't even relax anymore because of the guilt/paranoia/adrenaline high.

I am going to start seeing a therapist next week. The only thing that helps is talking to a couple friends who are in the same boat as me (or a worse one).

Flip side I can't believe your sister WANTS to take care of your parents. That alone is huge. You don't know how rare that is -- most flee. Think about it this way -- the fact that she is an underachiever as you imply probably makes her great at being in this extended living with boomers situation. If she was a high achiever she'd probably be delegating from afar to you and your parents would be alone right now in even more dire straights. Jealous of the boots on the ground TBH. Think of her as an uncompensated companion/caregiver -- not sure where they are but in DC that costs $36-$40/hour -- and may be really mediocre. She's doing it for free and probably sacrificing a good portion of the best years of her life to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a similar situation but worse because sandwiched. I find that even when I'm not spending oodles of time taking care of boomers I can't even relax anymore because of the guilt/paranoia/adrenaline high.

I am going to start seeing a therapist next week. The only thing that helps is talking to a couple friends who are in the same boat as me (or a worse one).

Flip side I can't believe your sister WANTS to take care of your parents. That alone is huge. You don't know how rare that is -- most flee. Think about it this way -- the fact that she is an underachiever as you imply probably makes her great at being in this extended living with boomers situation. If she was a high achiever she'd probably be delegating from afar to you and your parents would be alone right now in even more dire straights. Jealous of the boots on the ground TBH. Think of her as an uncompensated companion/caregiver -- not sure where they are but in DC that costs $36-$40/hour -- and may be really mediocre. She's doing it for free and probably sacrificing a good portion of the best years of her life to do it.

This. I am on your side OP, but I think you are underestimating how much your sister does and how fortunate you are. The cost of what she provides, even just being a companion would add up quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a similar situation but worse because sandwiched. I find that even when I'm not spending oodles of time taking care of boomers I can't even relax anymore because of the guilt/paranoia/adrenaline high.

I am going to start seeing a therapist next week. The only thing that helps is talking to a couple friends who are in the same boat as me (or a worse one).

Flip side I can't believe your sister WANTS to take care of your parents. That alone is huge. You don't know how rare that is -- most flee. Think about it this way -- the fact that she is an underachiever as you imply probably makes her great at being in this extended living with boomers situation. If she was a high achiever she'd probably be delegating from afar to you and your parents would be alone right now in even more dire straights. Jealous of the boots on the ground TBH. Think of her as an uncompensated companion/caregiver -- not sure where they are but in DC that costs $36-$40/hour -- and may be really mediocre. She's doing it for free and probably sacrificing a good portion of the best years of her life to do it.

Yes and no. She’s out of the house most of the day. They would have moved long ago if she was a high achiever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a similar situation but worse because sandwiched. I find that even when I'm not spending oodles of time taking care of boomers I can't even relax anymore because of the guilt/paranoia/adrenaline high.

I am going to start seeing a therapist next week. The only thing that helps is talking to a couple friends who are in the same boat as me (or a worse one).

Flip side I can't believe your sister WANTS to take care of your parents. That alone is huge. You don't know how rare that is -- most flee. Think about it this way -- the fact that she is an underachiever as you imply probably makes her great at being in this extended living with boomers situation. If she was a high achiever she'd probably be delegating from afar to you and your parents would be alone right now in even more dire straights. Jealous of the boots on the ground TBH. Think of her as an uncompensated companion/caregiver -- not sure where they are but in DC that costs $36-$40/hour -- and may be really mediocre. She's doing it for free and probably sacrificing a good portion of the best years of her life to do it.

This. I am on your side OP, but I think you are underestimating how much your sister does and how fortunate you are. The cost of what she provides, even just being a companion would add up quickly.

There’s a fine line between enabling and helping. They can’t afford to stay in that house - they can’t meet their bills and taxes, and are running up huge debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a similar situation but worse because sandwiched. I find that even when I'm not spending oodles of time taking care of boomers I can't even relax anymore because of the guilt/paranoia/adrenaline high.

I am going to start seeing a therapist next week. The only thing that helps is talking to a couple friends who are in the same boat as me (or a worse one).

Flip side I can't believe your sister WANTS to take care of your parents. That alone is huge. You don't know how rare that is -- most flee. Think about it this way -- the fact that she is an underachiever as you imply probably makes her great at being in this extended living with boomers situation. If she was a high achiever she'd probably be delegating from afar to you and your parents would be alone right now in even more dire straights. Jealous of the boots on the ground TBH. Think of her as an uncompensated companion/caregiver -- not sure where they are but in DC that costs $36-$40/hour -- and may be really mediocre. She's doing it for free and probably sacrificing a good portion of the best years of her life to do it.

Yes and no. She’s out of the house most of the day. They would have moved long ago if she was a high achiever

OP, you definitely have issues with your sister. You don't have to support her financially, but you don't seem to have much empathy. She has a job she loves that doesn't pay well. Let me guess, either it is something that helps the community or perhaps she is an artist? You know there is value in those things too right? There may be mental health issues at play with her too. You can have boundaries, and if she is manipulating you for money that is not OK, but clearly there is a family dynamic issue at play with all of them and therapy might help you make peace with it as you distance yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a similar situation but worse because sandwiched. I find that even when I'm not spending oodles of time taking care of boomers I can't even relax anymore because of the guilt/paranoia/adrenaline high.

I am going to start seeing a therapist next week. The only thing that helps is talking to a couple friends who are in the same boat as me (or a worse one).

Flip side I can't believe your sister WANTS to take care of your parents. That alone is huge. You don't know how rare that is -- most flee. Think about it this way -- the fact that she is an underachiever as you imply probably makes her great at being in this extended living with boomers situation. If she was a high achiever she'd probably be delegating from afar to you and your parents would be alone right now in even more dire straights. Jealous of the boots on the ground TBH. Think of her as an uncompensated companion/caregiver -- not sure where they are but in DC that costs $36-$40/hour -- and may be really mediocre. She's doing it for free and probably sacrificing a good portion of the best years of her life to do it.

Yes and no. She’s out of the house most of the day. They would have moved long ago if she was a high achiever

OP, you definitely have issues with your sister. You don't have to support her financially, but you don't seem to have much empathy. She has a job she loves that doesn't pay well. Let me guess, either it is something that helps the community or perhaps she is an artist? You know there is value in those things too right? There may be mental health issues at play with her too. You can have boundaries, and if she is manipulating you for money that is not OK, but clearly there is a family dynamic issue at play with all of them and therapy might help you make peace with it as you distance yourself.

Neither of those jobs. Sorry. And she only works it part time when she could have worked full time during all those healthy years my folks had. Definitely mental health issues that she won't do anything about. Not my dog and pony show. I did seek a therapist and he said to not finance, that I've offered enough, and they need to hit a wall. FYI: there's value in everything but emotional value does not pay the bills.

[Anonymous]

This is why people who are not old should refrain from judging people who are.

Like when young people complain that all they talk about is their health/medical problems.

Do you think that is what their life revolved around at 20? Who wants a life of loss (of function and loved ones), cancer screenings , specialists and medical procedures.

It is really a lot, and I am sorry for the year that you have had!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why people who are not old should refrain from judging people who are.

Like when young people complain that all they talk about is their health/medical problems.

Do you think that is what their life revolved around at 20? Who wants a life of loss (of function and loved ones), cancer screenings , specialists and medical procedures.

It is really a lot, and I am sorry for the year that you have had!

Thank you. The most frustrating part is the turning down of all reasonable help. I think offering a choice of FOUR free places to live, including one around the corner from where they are, is very generous of us. To have all that turned down and then being called selfish because we will not meet unreasonable demands is beyond the pale. Mentally, I broke. Empathy is gone.