How do you cope with the constant emotional blows?

[Anonymous]

I know death is a part of getting older but for the past 1.5 years, the losses and emergencies have been staggering. Started with my mother having a heart attack/stroke a year and a half ago, that she survived but with some cognitive loss. When I went there, found out my aunt’s pancreatic cancer was worse than she let on. She’s always been cantankerous, so I stayed to help, not realizing how awful it would be, as she refused anything that would help ease her mental pain, so emotionally destroyed everyone who wanted to be there for her. When she had to go inpatient hospice, the doctor took heroic efforts against her DNR and she lived another few weeks there, all the while with the hospice place calling me demanding I fly back and take her home ‘like she wanted’. I had to finally threaten the social worker with a lawsuit to get them to stop. During that time, we lost our dog to cancer, and I never got to say goodbye, which was devastating. Since then, three aunts have passed, an uncle, and one of our much loved cats developed a urinary blockage, which I caught, but caused much stress. Just as I was relaxing mentally again, our other cat developed chronic kidney failure. I know people here might say ‘they are just pets’, but we love them, and it’s still a stressor for sure, to the point where when one does succumb to the chronic illness, there’s some relief that goes with the pain. I know that’s normal but my spouse seems to regard me as cold for feeling that relief. Doesn’t help.

Intellectually I understand that as we age, there are more losses around us (I’m 61). I just wish I had more of a break between it all. My parents are cross country and are living on social security, and refuse to make changes to help themselves financially. We can’t afford to keep pouring money into their situation and everyone is mad at me for saying I’m done doing that. So on top of all the losses, I’m the ‘selfish, neglectful one’. Every day, I just want to get in the car and drive and drive and drive until I am away from it all so I can mentally recover. Instead, I stay, smile, go through the motions, and silently suffer. I’m not near suicidal; I just would like the constant blows to stop long enough for me to recover - I feel very PTSD as a result of it all. My normally 1/2 full glass personality is starting to change to a glass 1/2 empty, and I feel angry, used, and belittled, especially when it comes to my folks.

I just want to be able to have one stable timeframe where there is not a crisis.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for all you are going through. Have you tried a serious course of meditation? Your brain is noisy. You aren’t responsible for everyone and everything. All living things get sick and die. You can be a supportive person but you can’t fix it. Take good care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for all you are going through. Have you tried a serious course of meditation? Your brain is noisy. You aren’t responsible for everyone and everything. All living things get sick and die. You can be a supportive person but you can’t fix it. Take good care of yourself.

I’ve thought about it but it might be time to start thinking and start acting. I’m not taking good care of myself and need to start. Saying no to my folks’ situation was necessary, and felt right, but not received well by a sibling, as anticipated. Being turned against by others close due to lies and slander is just….hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for all you are going through. Have you tried a serious course of meditation? Your brain is noisy. You aren’t responsible for everyone and everything. All living things get sick and die. You can be a supportive person but you can’t fix it. Take good care of yourself.

And thank you

[Anonymous]

Yes. This getting older stuff is really tough. I’ve lost all my aunts and uncles and my mother now at 49. But developing a healthy balance and understanding what your role is may help. You can’t make everyone happy. And if sibling wants to do more, let them! Sounds like you are a caring person who takes on the load for everyone and they have come to expect it. Get a hobby. Learn an instrument. Meditate. Exercise. Those will all help your brain to quiet down. You won’t get a break. This is life. It’s beautiful and terrible. Enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

I can relate to so much of this. Only you can save you. If your family cared about you they would not be calling you "selfish" for finally setting boundaries. I too was a people pleaser and I tried to right by people who took advantage sometimes.

I am the poster on here who is not a fan of people coming on and saying to someone burned out who gave too much that "You are a good girl/child/family member!" and then you get the mixed message to take care of yourself and not do so much -all that stuff that made you a "good girl" in other's eyes. No, just no. The outside world should not telling you are good or bad, you decide what works for you. Setting ourselves on fire to keep others warm does not make us good girls.

I had a life crisis that forced me to set boundaries. When I got the insults in return, my life got stressful enough with the crisis that I finally gave up taking the high road and told off someone. I was very clear about how much I did, how little it was appreciated and how utterly disgusting it is to call me selfish for finally setting limits. I then pointed out to the person straight up facts of how using selfish with me was a pot kettle situation. I made it clear that insults and manipulation were off the table from now on. That put an end to that. You do you. You do your best within reasonable limits of what you can handle. Do not define yourself by what a bunch of takers say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate to so much of this. Only you can save you. If your family cared about you they would not be calling you "selfish" for finally setting boundaries. I too was a people pleaser and I tried to right by people who took advantage sometimes.

I am the poster on here who is not a fan of people coming on and saying to someone burned out who gave too much that "You are a good girl/child/family member!" and then you get the mixed message to take care of yourself and not do so much -all that stuff that made you a "good girl" in other's eyes. No, just no. The outside world should not telling you are good or bad, you decide what works for you. Setting ourselves on fire to keep others warm does not make us good girls.

I had a life crisis that forced me to set boundaries. When I got the insults in return, my life got stressful enough with the crisis that I finally gave up taking the high road and told off someone. I was very clear about how much I did, how little it was appreciated and how utterly disgusting it is to call me selfish for finally setting limits. I then pointed out to the person straight up facts of how using selfish with me was a pot kettle situation. I made it clear that insults and manipulation were off the table from now on. That put an end to that. You do you. You do your best within reasonable limits of what you can handle. Do not define yourself by what a bunch of takers say.

OP here and good for you!! I’m starting to do this now, and also learning to let the stubborn elders hit a wall. Hate to do, but it’s all that’s left. My sister went on a tear the other day, asking what’s to become of her when my folks have to sell the house to provide for their own elder care due to the loss of one SS check when the other dies. The fact she’s had free rent for 20+ years, chose to work part-time in a low paying field, and saved nothing, doesn’t even enter into the equation. It’s clear now she expected me to provide her free accommodation for the rest of her life, when she can easily work full-time and provide for herself.

Amazing what you find out when you set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I'm delighted to read the change in your attitude, OP. Sounds like you need a sit-down with your sister to let her know you do not intend to provide for her, but you can help her get a new job so she can stand on her own two feet. You can help her practice interviewing or edit her resume. Maybe you can help her job search if you're willing. She is scared, which is understandable. It's why I strongly advise all people to live on their own at some point. You have to know you can take care of yourself and she does not know this. She can do it, though, and maybe feeling your confidence in her will help.

[Anonymous]

I am 43 but life has thrown all sorts of crap at me for a decade. I am EXHAUSTED and just declared a break from family drama and drew some hard boundaries. Not everyone is thrilled but I just can’t anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm delighted to read the change in your attitude, OP. Sounds like you need a sit-down with your sister to let her know you do not intend to provide for her, but you can help her get a new job so she can stand on her own two feet. You can help her practice interviewing or edit her resume. Maybe you can help her job search if you're willing. She is scared, which is understandable. It's why I strongly advise all people to live on their own at some point. You have to know you can take care of yourself and she does not know this. She can do it, though, and maybe feeling your confidence in her will help.

I don't think she needs a sit down. All she needs to make clear is that she will not funding this. The sister can find someone to help her edit the resume and practice interviewing. She also can find herself a therapist. OP definitely should not be helping the sister find a job because it can turn into enabling too easily. The more OP engages around this the more she will have to keep repeating boundaries. This all assumes there isn't some form of disability (cognitive/emotional/physical) at play. If there is, I would be looking into resources and supports for the sister.

[Anonymous]

OP, you make 1 empowering decision.

You say, "We can’t afford to keep pouring money into their situation." Then stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 43 but life has thrown all sorts of crap at me for a decade. I am EXHAUSTED and just declared a break from family drama and drew some hard boundaries. Not everyone is thrilled but I just can’t anymore.

Same. In my late 40's and realized I have always been there for everyone rescuing them from their problems and when I need people the most no one has been there for me. Eye opening and I will never put anyone else first again and have removed myself from the sick drama that has been my life with them.

[Anonymous]

I found the Calm app saved my sanity when I was dealing with a seriously ill parent. I was at the end of my rope, not sleeping, and trying to balance the needs of my dying parent, 2 teenagers, and DH during the early days of Covid - before vaccines were available. My parent was in and out of the hospital during that time and I was not allowed to visit at all. It was pure torture and I think I’m still recovering from it all.

The Calm app really helped me relax and realize that I couldn’t control everything.

Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Agree 100% about meditation. Headspace helped me to realize that I need to calm my brain down and notice when I'm overthinking or over-engaging in order to try to "fix" something.

[Anonymous]

Op—Google the Drama Triangle or look at the Wikipedia link below. You might see the role you play and the ones the others play.

Getting out of the triangle will give you peace. I think I am mostly out of mine. Work in progress.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle