My mother is my sister

[Anonymous]

I don't see what the harm could be in talking it over with a therapist. It doesn't mean she's NOT okay, but it is a lot to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't you tell your husband? That's a terrible secret to keep from him.

Furthermore, do you think your mother is lying about your father/grandfather? (I'm unclear about what you wrote. "I never believed the other man was my father, he is of a different nationality than we are. By looking at me it's pretty obvious I'm not his nationality.")

If there's a possibility of passing along any genetic condition, don't you think genetic counseling/testing would be important?

I'm glad you're fine with the situation, but b/c it's so disturbing and b/c there's a slight chance that you could pass something along or come into contact with your mother's father, shouldn't you come clean?

Sorry if I was confusing. I wrote this right after my mother called me. The man whom she always told me was my father let's call him Chuck is who I was speaking about. She had a brief relationship with chuck when she was in H.S. they had sex 1 time. She told me when I was younger that she and Chuck were together for a few years. She was 17 when she gave birth to me. She told me how Chuck was 27 when she got pregnant. He was in the Marines, he met my grandfather and he scared him away. My grandfather was a Sargeant and gave Chuck a ride back to the nearby base. She said he threatened Chuck, and Chuck never came back. My grandmother remembers the car incident too. My grandmother( who divorced my grandfather when she found out about the rape) told me when I was younger that I didn't look anything like Chuck. I'm very tall, he is short. He had certain characteristics and I didn't have any of them. I've known for years that my mom was raped by her dad. She told me when I was little. Everyday we would come home she would ask " has anyone touched you". When I was in H.S. I began to suspect someone else was my dad. Even possibly my grandfather.

[Anonymous]

I began thinking this because he always bought my things, gave me money and paid for my trips overseas. He didn't do any of this for my other siblings. My mom told me she and my grandmother got into a huge fight and went months without speaking. I never knew why until last night. My grandmother told my mom that she believed I was a product of the rape. My mother was furious at her for saying that out loud. My grandmother said she doesn't know why her husband would approach her daughter in a way he didn't even approach her in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I began thinking this because he always bought my things, gave me money and paid for my trips overseas. He didn't do any of this for my other siblings. My mom told me she and my grandmother got into a huge fight and went months without speaking. I never knew why until last night. My grandmother told my mom that she believed I was a product of the rape. My mother was furious at her for saying that out loud. My grandmother said she doesn't know why her husband would approach her daughter in a way he didn't even approach her in :(

terrible! I'm glad she left his ass after finding out.

I think therapy would be helpfu. I'll say this much: You don't know what your triggers are regarding this situation. If you have a child in the near future, for example, how do you know how you'll react around your husband? What if you suddenly become distant and cold?

It's best to find out now.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I'm kind of shocked at the advice not to tell your husband. How could you keep something like this from your life partner? What are you afraid of by telling him?

[Anonymous]

Op here
I'm afraid he will look at me differently.
Not on purpose, but sometimes people can't help how they feel. Maybe he will be repulsed by me, and afraid if we have kids they will be monsters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here
I'm afraid he will look at me differently.
Not on purpose, but sometimes people can't help how they feel. Maybe he will be repulsed by me, and afraid if we have kids they will be monsters.

Oh honey! I can't imagine your husband would be repulsed in any way, and I bet he would be an incredible source of love and support. You sound like you're in a good place with all this, and I'm so glad. But I would hate for that peace to disappear over time as you worried about your husband guessing/finding out etc. That type of uncertainty and secret-keeping in a marriage can be really dangerous. Not because of what might happen if he found out (as I said, I bet he would be supportive of you) but because there's something really big in your life that he doesn't know about. Those things really can start small but become larger wedges for a couple over time.

My advice is to either tell him now so he can understand and support you along the way, or perhaps talk with a therapist about what you need to be comfortable enough to trust DH with this information.

All the best to you. You sound like such a strong and mature person. You deserve to make this all as easy on yourself as possible. I fear that keeping it from DH will be the opposite in the long run. You and your marriage deserve only good things here.

Big hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP, we had something similar in my family. My paternal grandma was raised by HER grandma - in the same home where her mother was passed off as her teenaged sister. Mom/sis would never, to her dying day, tell who fathered the child. I believe it was incest. I believe she was molested by her dad. Worse, the dad did the same thing to ANOTHER sister in the family, who ALSO had a baby who was ALSO raised as a "brother" in the family, instead of the grandson.

My dad is therefore the child of an illegitimate product of incest. This really bothers him. I can tell he is ashamed of it. It doesn't bother me at all.

My point in writing to you would be, some people react really viscerally to this stuff. I wouldn't tell your spouse unless you are sure of his reaction. I would also visit a genetic counselor if you plan on having children. Hopefully you are fine and will never need to tell anyone the suspected truth of your parentage - not because I think you need to be ashamed, but because you can't predict how other people in your family may feel about i.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here
I'm afraid he will look at me differently.
Not on purpose, but sometimes people can't help how they feel. Maybe he will be repulsed by me, and afraid if we have kids they will be monsters.

That's why I suggested talking to a genetic counselor to get some solid scientific information about any risks. I went to one for similar issues (not as closely related as what you describe, but closer than any American would be comfortable with). And I was surprised to find there was little increase in genetic issues for my own situation. Your kids, no matter what, will never be monsters. I think they might have an increased risk of very common birth defects like club foot or cleft palate though. Both of which are easily corrected these days. And things like spina bifida run in families, particularly those of Irish and English ancestry. So if something like that is prevalent on your side of the family, it's worth discussing with a doctor when considering having kids. They can put you on super doses of folic acid, for example, to help minimize risk.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Even if you are okay with this information from your mother, it seems you are not on 100% steady ground with your DH. So yes, I too would suggest counseling. I'm not suggesting anything is wrong with your relationship, but based on the past your giving us I'd find it hard to believe you witnessed steady, healthy relationships growing up. Therefore I'd worry about your own relationship.

I'm not suggesting having a perfect childhood equals perfect marriage without a lot of hard work. But this family secret is certainly not something I could withhold from my DH. I would need his support and listening ear, even if it's something I suspected as you say you did.

It's time to end the cycle of unhealthy relationships in your family. If you fear your husband's reaction, then be proactive with counseling. Our spouses should always be there for us and we should all be able to trust this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here
I'm afraid he will look at me differently.
Not on purpose, but sometimes people can't help how they feel. Maybe he will be repulsed by me, and afraid if we have kids they will be monsters.

OP, your kids will be fine. The genetic problems that could have occurred would have been with you, and that is it. Also, not to be crass, but occasional "inbreeding" is not as dangerous as we once thought. I AM NOT SAYING IT IS SAFE!!!! As long as your husband is of a different "line" things will be fine.
If you think he will look at you differently, you are probably right. I would NEVER date or marry someone with that problem in their family. So, you do stand the chance of losing him. PLUS, there is NO proof that grandpa is pa. So put a lid on it. What is all this coming out all about people?
Someone mentioned that there is no harm in seeing a counselor. We first, it costs money, second, they will have no insight. If you want, pick up a book or two on the subject and save yourself a buck. The counselors will bring you in to give them your money, spin you around and make you feel nuts.
Your mother will have issues, save the money for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here
I'm afraid he will look at me differently.
Not on purpose, but sometimes people can't help how they feel. Maybe he will be repulsed by me, and afraid if we have kids they will be monsters.

OP, your kids will be fine. The genetic problems that could have occurred would have been with you, and that is it. Also, not to be crass, but occasional "inbreeding" is not as dangerous as we once thought. I AM NOT SAYING IT IS SAFE!!!! As long as your husband is of a different "line" things will be fine.
If you think he will look at you differently, you are probably right. I would NEVER date or marry someone with that problem in their family. So, you do stand the chance of losing him. PLUS, there is NO proof that grandpa is pa. So put a lid on it. What is all this coming out all about people?
Someone mentioned that there is no harm in seeing a counselor. We first, it costs money, second, they will have no insight. If you want, pick up a book or two on the subject and save yourself a buck. The counselors will bring you in to give them your money, spin you around and make you feel nuts.
Your mother will have issues, save the money for her.

I'm glad you are not my spouse. What kind of person are you? So, you'd reject OP because of something that happened many years before and that OP had zero involvement in, no responsibility for, and no knowledge of until she was a teenager. My spouse would be supportive if something like this situation was in my background. That's why I love him. OP, if your spouse rejects you because of this, he's perhaps not the right spouse for you. Unconditional love is just that, and that's what everyone wants in a marriage. I don't mean you love a monster, but you love someone despite their imperfections and don't judge them if there's something in their past that's over and done with. If I found out my spouse were the product of incest, I'd love him just as much as I love him now. It would not change a thing.

We recently found out something odd about my husband's grandparents, but that didn't change my relationship with DH. I don't know you or your relationship with your husband, OP, but it would kill me to have a secret like yours and not share the burden with my husband. I don't share every single thing with my husband, but I share everything big. That's what I think marriage is all about. Best of luck, OP. Get help if you need it. I would. Therapy is objective and costs money, but a good therapist can change or even save your life.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you can't be honest with your husband, then in whom can you confide?

I would tell. Maybe after a few months of therapy, however.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I'm going to get super-flamed, but I'm calling bullshit on this thread. Same style of writing and same back and forth about therapy being a waste of time, similar but not quite the same mother issues.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/111039.page

If I am wrong, I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Could be the same person looking for advice. I realize there's differences but given the situation, maybe that's understandable. Not everyone would want to put the full story "out there".. and maybe changed the details a little.