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DHs out there... how did you react when your wife told you she was molested/raped/sexually abused?
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Anonymous
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plain and simple.
Did she tell you before or after marriage? How did you react? Did she get over it or she still holds on to it? Did she seek any sort of therapy? Was it before or after telling you? TIA |
Anonymous
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I have been with two women who disclosed about being survivors of sexual trauma to me. One had been molested as a young girl, the other raped as an older teenager. They both told me while we were steal dating, but I have since married the woman who'd been raped as an older teen. Both had gone to counseling, and both still to some degree carry that trauma with them. The worst for me was my girlfriend who had been molested, when I was sitting at Thanksgiving dinner passing the peas to the uncle who had molested him when all I wanted to do was gut him with the carving knife.
Your question raises some red flags for me- regarding disclosure and "getting over it." I am glad my partners trusted me enough to tell me about what had happened, but I would also understand if they hadn't, or had waited for a long time into the relationship to talk to me about it- it is such a highly personal thing, and I could understand not wanting to dwell on it or relive the trauma in any way. If you or your wife are struggling, maybe therapy would be good for both of you. Best of luck. |
Anonymous
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Not a Dh, but a victim. I told my DH before getting engaged. But I did not tell him because I felt he should know before our relationship progressed...I just felt that he needed to know as it was part of my past.
It never became an issue, and I never sought counseling...probably because I have a sister and three cousins to talk to about it as they too were victims. When I told him he was sympathetic and supportive. |
Anonymous
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Survivor here. A good reaction is, "I'm so sorry that happened to you". A bad reaction would be the one I got - basically ignoring what I said. This was done to me by my DH and my mom when I disclosed as an adult. I think they just couldn't process it/didn't know how to respond.
I am "over"it, I think because my case was not that severe. But I do hold onto it in that I don't trust people, particularly teens and men, around my kids. I know what can happen, even in the next room while the parents are home. My experience made me a protective parent. And actually I think it saved my child from a molester - someone who was starting to groom her and and severed the friendship pronto, because my instincts told me to. |
Anonymous
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My mother at the age of 60 finally sought the help of a psychologist for sexual abuse she had suffered as a child. She told me about 6 months after starting therapy. I was in my late 30's at the time. After more therapy her and the therapist decided it would not be a good idea for her to tell my father. After more therapy and discussion he was afraid my father, if told, would stop having any physical contact with my mother. I guess this is a fairly typical reaction for some men.
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Anonymous
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My husband knows I was raped while in college, by a complete stranger, and held by knifepoint. They never caught the bastard either...he raped 20 girls on campus. I went through serious counseling and have come to terms with my rape. I rarely think about it, and when I do, it's a passing thought, like the month it happened or I read about a rape.
My husband and I were long term friends before we got married, and I told him when we were just friends. My first husband also knew. I'm not ashamed of it, it wasn't my fault, and I certainly didn't ask for it. There is a fear I carry with me, but it's not overwhelming. From counseling, I'm aware of how othe women have dealt with their rape, and it's not pretty (suicide, drugs) -- and I understand their pain. |
Anonymous
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OP, why do you want to know? I'm struggling with the vagueness of your post.
FWIW, I was a victim of molestation at a young age by a stepfather. I told my husband that there was a lot of abuse, but did not go into details. It's not because I don't love him enough to tell the story, but it is because this is a chapter in my life that belongs in my past. I never sought formal counseling, but have done a lot of reflecting, meditating, praying, and growing since then and feel confident that I am in a healthy and happy place now and don't believe that dredging up old ghosts is a healthy activity for me. My husband can probably read between the lines to know what happened, but he does not know details and has only ever told me that he is all ears for anything I ever want to talk about, but will never press for information, either. That, to me, was the perfect response. I am sure that my experiences have shaped me as a person, as each one of our experiences do, for both the better and the worse. OP, I hope you aren't struggling with thinking your wife is "damaged goods." Something about your post doesn't come across as being kindhearted. |
Anonymous
How much judgment can come from just one person? You make me sick as I read. I'm the OP and I'm DW. How dare you make such assumption from one single post? It was past midnight, I'm 40 weeks pregnant, can't eat, can't sleep and when I wrote I was watching the Oprah episode on sex offenders. I the last thought in my mind was to sound sweet, "I'm sorry". Anyway, I've disclosed the abuse I suffered to only 2 men (people) in my life - an ex fiance who I didn't marry and the man who today is my DH. I want to bring their reaction to perspective as I try to "digest" the issue. I don't often think about it and thanks God it has very little impact in my life today. Like a PP stated I only remember what happened when I hear/red the word rape and it's all a blur. The issue is: I'm expecting our first and I want to be the parent who will protect the child and at the same time I'm very scared of becoming just too controlling and exaggerate on my reactions. Thanks to all who took your time to answer my question, I really appreciate your help! I don't have enough words to thank you enough! |
Anonymous
I was not judging you. You asked some questions about a highly emotional and traumatic topic with very little explanation. You really can't blame people for trying to read between the lines because you disclosed so little information. I'm very sorry for your experience and hope you will find the balance you're seeking. You may get more out of the forum by explaning more about the nature of your questions so people can understand where you're coming from. Congratulations on your expected baby. |
Anonymous
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I also grew up in a violent family and was molested at a young age by a teenager outside my family. I have been in therapy of various types and degrees for 15 years, and it has helped me immensely.
It was very hard for my husband to deal with the truth of my early life in the beginning, but he has been supportive and committed and patient. In the beginning, it was very hard for him to be around my parents (and see the way I became around them); even though the sexual abuse did not happen from a family member, in many ways it was possible for it to happen because of the dynamics with my family. As I have improved and any PTSD symptoms have diminished, my relationship with my parents has improved, and it's become much more possible for it all to be in the past. Still, though, under stress and in certain situations old fears and reactions come out. My husband has also been willing to come to counseling with me (usually with my regular therapist at the time) to work through issues that come up around family or big changes (moving, buying a house, having a child). He sees how far I've come and is completely supportive of the process and reassuring to me that I am nothing like my family and that I am much stronger and more healed that I am always able to see. We have had to work on me saying to him, 'I don't need anger from you,' because his reactions have been to be very angry on my behalf, which just drives me more into whatever spinning cycle I'm caught in. I do think that the fact that I experienced ongoing violence in my immediate family has shaped me very much into who I am, and it's not something that is easily isolated as a single event or memory. In contrast, the instances of being molested were discrete, and the largest thing I carry from them is the reminder of how inadequate my parents were in the sense that I never once thought I could rely on them for help because things in my own house were so bad. |
Anonymous
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I'm the 9:56 poster with the mom who was sexually abused as a child.
I see several of you have posted that you have not received therapy. I'm going to have to say I think this is a huge mistake. My mother's behavior and personality has been greatly impacted by what happened to her as a child. I had no point of reference for this for most of my life, but I can tell you it has had a very large impact on my life and I wish that she had sought therapy much, much earlier. Now it is easy for me to look back and go, oh, so that's why she did that or behaved that way. I'm going to have say that doesn't do me a lot of good at this point as many of her beliefs and behavior have become ingrained in my personality. I don't blame her for the abuse, she was a victim and times were very, very different, but I sincerely wished she had sought help for the pain and guilt she was carrying around at a much earlier age. |
Anonymous
PP - As a concerned, protective parent, I am very interested to know what were the signs that you noticed that lead you to conclude that a molester was grooming your daughter. I am so very sorry for the abuse you suffered, but I think your perspective would be very helpful for the rest of us to help us better protect our kids. Thank you in advance for any insight that you might have to offer. |
Anonymous
You are projecting. It sounds like you had a very difficult time coping with your mom's behavior during your own childhood and you have my sympathies. Still, I am not sure you can easily go back in time and assign so precisely a cause or reason for her behavior. It's good that learning about her trauma helps you to empathize with your mom, and recognizing that abuse can be self-perpetuating in nature is important, but there are many ways to break the cycle. Therapy is but one of them. For those of us who have chosen other avenues towards healing, it is demeaning to hear a person claim that therapy is always necessary. I believe it can be important, but not always necessary. Don't get me wrong; there is a rightful place for therapy in healing and recovery. But mindfulness and recovery is not something that is only processed from the outside in. |
Anonymous
| I learned too late from an ex that she had been sexually abused. She only told me as she was leaving, and I could only think that we would have stayed together if I had understood this. As I replayed our relationship issues, I could see how it affected them, and I thought that I could have been more supportive. If I had known. That said, who really knows how it would really unfold if she had told me. I loved her dearly and maybe I was rationalizing her dumping me by tying it to her sexual abuse. |
Anonymous
I don't think you should be so quick to dismiss my feelings. I'm where your children could be in 30 years. My mother also believed she didn't need any therapy and that like all of you she had it under control. As she got older she started to realize this was not true. I'm trying to give you the perspective of a what it was like for a child. I'm sorry you can't appreciate this. Personally I find your need to belittle me as a sign that you are not as cool with the subject as you think. |