Teen got a bad grade, DH wants to take away her online shopping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's had a hard time the past few years with anxiety and depression. She has finally bounced back and is really on the road to recovery. As such, she has picked up a number of hobbies like crafting and painting. She also enjoys buying craft supplies on these apps.

I guess my feeling is that she got ONE bad grade, we don't need to set consequences just yet. And if we did, do we NEED to take away one of the things that she actually seems excited about?

The last 2 years were really dark for her. So, seeing her get excited about craft supplies is a total win.

You needed to explain this in your OP.

I'm a PP who does limit phone if grades tank, but, I only do this if it's a consistent pattern.

DD had a lowish grade on her last math test. She knows that if she gets another one like this, we will start limiting her. When she gets a bad grade, I ask her what happened; does she know what she did wrong; does she need more practice?

I would not curtail her purchases, but, you should keep an eye out on what happened, and set expectations with her.

I understand what your DH is saying, too. He doesn't want to reward her for getting bad grades, but as long as it's not consistent, and she knows where she went wrong, I would just provide her guidance on how to do better next time, but again, also set expectations.

[Anonymous]

I think it's more important to talk with your daughter and figure out why the bad grade and what steps you can take with her to help her do better going forward. It's one grade. You said she's been struggling with anxiety and depression. I think your husband sounds like he's just looking for a quick fix/punitive action but it could backfire bigtime. I think you're right to hold off until you've spoken with her and evaluated the situation and set some expectations moving forward. Not just what grades, but about setting guardrails she can reach for if she's struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's had a hard time the past few years with anxiety and depression. She has finally bounced back and is really on the road to recovery. As such, she has picked up a number of hobbies like crafting and painting. She also enjoys buying craft supplies on these apps.

I guess my feeling is that she got ONE bad grade, we don't need to set consequences just yet. And if we did, do we NEED to take away one of the things that she actually seems excited about?

The last 2 years were really dark for her. So, seeing her get excited about craft supplies is a total win.

You needed to explain this in your OP.

I'm a PP who does limit phone if grades tank, but, I only do this if it's a consistent pattern.

DD had a lowish grade on her last math test. She knows that if she gets another one like this, we will start limiting her. When she gets a bad grade, I ask her what happened; does she know what she did wrong; does she need more practice?

I would not curtail her purchases, but, you should keep an eye out on what happened, and set expectations with her.

I understand what your DH is saying, too. He doesn't want to reward her for getting bad grades, but as long as it's not consistent, and she knows where she went wrong, I would just provide her guidance on how to do better next time, but again, also set expectations.

+1

For a low grade on a test, we discuss it and ask if there is any particular reason why (and if so, help find a solution), and then tell them the grade needs to be pulled up etc. Basically, issue a warning. If it persists or becomes a pattern then there are consequences.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids. I’ve never punished my kids for a bad grade. My oldest kids are now in college and thriving but had a smattering of disappointing grades from time to time. They didn’t hide them from me and asked for help and got back on track. If I’d overreacted they wouldn’t have felt comfortable doing so. My youngest is in HS and had a rough freshman year. It turned out it was related to disability. We hired a tutor, worked with the school and dropped down from honors. Do some investigating.

[Anonymous]

Did she get a bad grade and she just doesn’t care, or does she feel not great about it too?

Was this a bad grade on one assignment / test, or for the class for the semester?

[Anonymous]

I don't know about the punishment.

1. It doesn't address the issue which is "why did she get a bad grade"

2. I doubt online shopping caused the bad grade, so taking that away is a weird consequese.

3. Sometimes, it's ok to get a bad grade. Did she feel bad about it?

My DD is a straight A, all honors student. This year she started getting really bad grades in her chemistry quizzes and tests. We had a conversation about it. She feels her teacher never teaches. She doesn't get up in front of the class and give a lesson and then give me worksheets for them to work in class so she can see who understood and who didn't. She told me her teacher just makes them watch videos that aren't clear for her, then gives them worksheets and never reviews them. So basically, DD was getting lost in the class. We didn't punish her, we got her a tutor. She loves the tutor and understands everything now. But the tutor had to start from the beginning because chemistry builds on the previous chapters.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing he already dislikes the constant packages and purchasing so he's using this as a reason to cut it out.

Separately I think that much consumerism isn't a good influence on your dd. mental health isn't improved by shopping so allowing multiple tiny purchases every Week can cause a shopping addiction.

However it has nothing to do with her bad grade, so your dh needs to rethink that.

[Anonymous]

Her online shopping is a terrible habit and should be stopped. She needs to be able to pass time without spending money. Having nothing to do with her grades.

[Anonymous]

What was the grade?

[Anonymous]

So much of this depends on:

1. Age of the child
2. How bad the grade was (I.e. if this is over a C, this is too much)
3. If this was a one-time thing or a repeat offense
4. If she still has an opportunity to bring her grade up

Your DH is not wrong for wanting to implement some consequence, but I can't tell if he's overdoing it without the context of the answers to the above questions.

[Anonymous]

What happened with the test? Was it a lack of preparation?

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a bully, wanting to punish her and take away something that brings her joy for the sake of just taking it away, which solves nothing. These things sound unrelated to each other. Cutting FaceTime or screen time in general might make sense if she’s ignoring school work bc of that.

[Anonymous]

Punishing a kid for a bad grade seems really weird to me. Do you genuinely believe she isn’t trying at all?

[Anonymous]

One test that she got a bad grade on? Big deal.

She’d get more of an education if you’d explain why she should not buy products from Shein. How does she explain how a trinket from China could only cost $1. She can research forced labor camps in Communist China where Muslim populations are forced into ghettos and produce products for no pay.

Other factories employees make 4 cents for every piece of clothing they make. Most work 7 days a week, 12 hour shifts.

China denies this like everything but undercover investigations have confirmed these as facts.

Help teach her how the world works instead of being obsessed with grades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's had a hard time the past few years with anxiety and depression. She has finally bounced back and is really on the road to recovery. As such, she has picked up a number of hobbies like crafting and painting. She also enjoys buying craft supplies on these apps.

I guess my feeling is that she got ONE bad grade, we don't need to set consequences just yet. And if we did, do we NEED to take away one of the things that she actually seems excited about?

The last 2 years were really dark for her. So, seeing her get excited about craft supplies is a total win.

Bring her to a craft store on her next good grade to pick up quality paint. Rewards are important too if you insist on punishment.