Teen got a bad grade, DH wants to take away her online shopping.

[Anonymous]

I just feel like this doesn't make sense. She likes to show on wish and shein and buy little trinkets for $1 or so. As a result, she frequently gets little packages in the mail. She got a bad grade on a test and DH says we need to crack down and restrict her from shopping on wish since she is "not spending enough time on her studies". To me, making a few quick purchases on her phone (when she's babysitting and the kids are asleep) is not why she is struggling. On average, she gets about 2 packages a week and she spends her own money. FWIW, he also wants to take away her Facetime privileges as well.

Does this make sense? Is this a valid consequence?

[Anonymous]

How are you planning to help your DD get better grades?

When my DD gets bad grades, we set consequences.

Phone privileges cut down until we see improvements.

DD spends a ton of time on her phone/computer playing. She could use that time to study - review notes, go to Khan academy, etc..

So, what's your plan to get your DD motivated to do better?

[Anonymous]

I would take away all electronics outside of school depending on what happened.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn’t he spend some time speaking with her about her grade instead of thinking of ding dong ways to make her feel bad?

[Anonymous]

It depends on what you think is causing the issue. I don't think punishment per se is helpful for most people, but you'll know your DD best.

[Anonymous]

Why not find out why she's not doing well and get a tutor? Why go straight to punishment without figuring out why?

[Anonymous]

I think it only works if there's a link between her grades and the shopping. It doesn't sound like there is - she isn't spending enough time on shopping to impact her grades.

So maybe figure out what *is* impacting her grades and then either plug in help, or make a consequence that fits the situation.

[Anonymous]

She's had a hard time the past few years with anxiety and depression. She has finally bounced back and is really on the road to recovery. As such, she has picked up a number of hobbies like crafting and painting. She also enjoys buying craft supplies on these apps.

I guess my feeling is that she got ONE bad grade, we don't need to set consequences just yet. And if we did, do we NEED to take away one of the things that she actually seems excited about?

The last 2 years were really dark for her. So, seeing her get excited about craft supplies is a total win.

[Anonymous]

Seems strange to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Anonymous]

I would talk to my kid about what happened and why they got the bad grade and then ask if they needed support and what their plan was going forward.

I also don't take stuff away unless a clear warning has been given.

If your grade doesn't go up in X class by the end of the quarter, we'll be restricting your Face Time next quarter. And then have them repeat it back to you to make sure it's crystal clear. No one likes things happening to them with no warnings. Give clear and fair warnings.

Treat them like people who are capable of self-correcting and self-regulating until they prove to you they are not able to do it without your assistance.

[Anonymous]

Are you saying one bad grade on a single assignment?
Or one bad grade in one class (which suggests a series of bad grades in assignments)?

[Anonymous]

HUGE overreach Dad. A bad test grade can mean many things. Cracking down and punishing her for it will likely just make her feel bad and certainly doesn't create much incentive for her to do...whatever he thinks she should be doing. If she is blowing off school work - address that. If she is trying her best but not understanding the material - address that. But involve her in the plan, don't just be a jerk about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just feel like this doesn't make sense. She likes to show on wish and shein and buy little trinkets for $1 or so. As a result, she frequently gets little packages in the mail. She got a bad grade on a test and DH says we need to crack down and restrict her from shopping on wish since she is "not spending enough time on her studies". To me, making a few quick purchases on her phone (when she's babysitting and the kids are asleep) is not why she is struggling. On average, she gets about 2 packages a week and she spends her own money. FWIW, he also wants to take away her Facetime privileges as well.

Does this make sense? Is this a valid consequence?

Are you the daughter?

[Anonymous]

No, I agree that it won't fix the problem, and therefore it's merely punitive, which is never a constructive way to parent. My husband also reacts this way, because he has zero understanding of what the issues really are.

[Anonymous]

What is wish and Shein? This posts makes no sense but if she got bad grades then yes cut her shopping.