Anyone else scapegoat child of narcissitic parent w/golden child uninterested in care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She will relive everything she did (and is still doing) to you shortly when. She meets God. If it's painful, go no contact. Why in the world would you even consider taking this money (as if you would get it). Take care of your own children, heal, move on.

If I did not have a SN child I would not consider it, in all honesty. Talk of setting up a SN trust has been a recent carrot dangled, I know it will never happen. I have provided care, hired help, set up systems, kind of carried out her wishes, etc because I felt that it was the right thing to do, not because I expected any reward and because she had become so frail. Now she is doing much better but instead of that being happy, with the increased energy she is making everyone even more miserable.

Thank you for your advice and perspective, I will think about no contact, it's harder with someone so elderly. It was helpful in the past and something my brother is considering. It is all very sad, for my mom as well. It's like the only way she knows how to connect is conflict and chaos is what makes her feel alive.

[Anonymous]

Are you working with someone to help you get over this and work on the relationship with your family, OP? I can recommend some local therapists if you need one.

[Anonymous]

Here is the NAMI link with resources. My friend attended an in person family support group pre-covid, it seems like there are more online resources now. She has a bipolar family member and found the support and info really useful. There also seems to be info on personality disorders such as borderline, narcissism, etc. Hope this is helpful to someone.

https://www.nami.org/Your-Journey/Family-Members-and-Caregivers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you working with someone to help you get over this and work on the relationship with your family, OP? I can recommend some local therapists if you need one.

I am but she is actually moving soon. I will get names from her but am open to others, too. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Thanks to folks who posted. I woke up this morning feeling more zen - things like account alerts might be ideal but may not happen here, etc.

I realized all this contact and chaos was triggering a fight/flight response more intense and prolonged than I have had in years. My therapist incorporates somatic work so I will raise it there and start doing some of that practice more regularly again, may also do another round of EMDR if she recommends it. I'm also going to go very low or no contact, at least for a while, as posters suggested.

My brother's strategy of "I'm just not going to do that" may be the best one to emulate in this situation. If we can hire a geriatric social worker as an extra layer or buffer, that is a great idea. Anyway, I appreciated the responses on a difficult evening.

[Anonymous]

Cut ties you don't need this in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the scapegoat of my family. The golden child was(is) just as damaged as I was and am. My narc parent died young, so I never had to deal with what you are experiencing. I just wanted to point out that your sibling isn't less of a victim than you simply because he was treated "better". I hope you can break the cycle of dysfunction with your children and, possibly, your sibling. Neither of you asked to be mistreated.

Well said, pp.

OP here - my brother was so sweet and funny when he was little, then he was encouraged and rewarded for being cruel to me. It's all sad. I have been able to break the cycle with my own family, he has struggled.

The recent crisis is the first time we've been in contact in many years and we are both trying to be civil, I think. I'd like to stay in touch a bit but I don't know if that is reciprocated, time will tell. He and his current wife are both heavy drinkers and I hope someday they find greater peace.

All of this stuff is hard, wishing healing for all.

My brother also is a heavy drinker and a serial monogamist. I think mom ruined his chances for a healthy marriage before she died and it will take a lot of therapy to undo the damage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drop the rope, OP. Just drop it.

You can only get sucked in if you let them suck you in. You already said the narc parent encourages conflict between you and GC, blah blah blah. Are you the person who is always writing about the narc parent?

Drop the rope. Let the GC worry about it, because it's their responsibility. It's not YOUR responsibility, so why are you allowing yourself to get sucked into this?

+1. And get yourself some therapy girl.