DD got in trouble for "stealing food" and the entire grade has a punishment

[Anonymous]

OP here. Just making it clear, I do think that it was a weird game and that my kid and her friends should be punished for not keeping their hands to themselves. I just don't understand why they are punishing the whole grade. Seems unfair to the other kids. My guess was the grade as a whole was already being loud, the lunch monitor was on edge, and jumped to conclusions. But I don't believe my kid stole food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP here. Just making it clear, I do think that it was a weird game and that my kid and her friends should be punished for not keeping their hands to themselves. I just don't understand why they are punishing the whole grade. Seems unfair to the other kids. My guess was the grade as a whole was already being loud, the lunch monitor was on edge, and jumped to conclusions. But I don't believe my kid stole food.

Ask the teacher for clarification or just tell your DD that you are going to ask the teacher and demand the teacher explain it because what your DD told you doesn’t sound fair. My guess is your DD will tell you not to talk to the teacher and just maybe she might also tell you a different account of the situation that will make it more clear what really happened.

And I am going to guess this is a Catholic school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

To add flame to the fire DD, who has gotten in trouble at school about five times ever, got accused of stealing food at lunch.

You say that as if it’s a small amount of times?!

Five times over the course of her education. She has been attending school since preschool so in a sevenyear period she has only gotten in trouble about five times.

In first a boy stole the bathroom pass from her so she wrote him a note saying "Give me back my bathroom pass!" which got her in trouble for passing notes. There was the time she got accused of stealing ice cream and she's gotten in trouble twice for talking. And then there was this incident so yeah, I do think five times is a small number of times.

Please note that in the next seven years of her k-12 schooling, there are going to be a dozens of incidents where you daughter tells you something that she describes as her being misunderstood or unfairly punished. This is completely normal and part of developing social skills among her peers. When you go on to believe every word she tells you without hearing the other side of the story and then fret and seethe over it for years afterward, you may be harming her social development in the long run.

I don't think my daughter was lying to me. This is not my first-time parenting-she has older siblings and I know when my kids are lying. I don't think believing her will "ruin her social development."

It's not that she's necessarily lying, but that her perception of events is not exactly the entire story. She tells you what happened from her point of view and you have no idea if the class was punished because of this one group, or if there were three other groups of kids who were being equally excitable so the monitor put the hammer down. There does seem to be a pattern of you hanging on every incident as if your daughter is being persecuted. The ice cream thing was five years ago, and yes, the adult probably made a mistake. Why even bring it up now? The bathroom pass incident was again, one side of a story that the teacher probably doesn't even remember. But you now consider it one of the great persecutions of your daughter during her elementary school years. These things happen. You calm your daughter, maybe suggest some behavioral adjustment, and the let it go. You are not letting go and you don't even know the whole story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP here. Just making it clear, I do think that it was a weird game and that my kid and her friends should be punished for not keeping their hands to themselves. I just don't understand why they are punishing the whole grade. Seems unfair to the other kids. My guess was the grade as a whole was already being loud, the lunch monitor was on edge, and jumped to conclusions. But I don't believe my kid stole food.

OP, the punishment seems inappropriate to me. If someone stole a child's food, there would be a child complaining about it, right? Is your daughter's friend complaining that her food was stolen?

If the lunch aide's concern is the kids are bullying another kids or something like that by keeping her lunch box away from her - then punishment makes a more sense. But is that the complaint?

I don't think you would be wrong at all to ask for more details. Honestly the lunch aide sounds nuts to me, but go ahead and very politely ask to get to the bottom of the lunch stealing incident, because punishment extended to the entire grade. To me, that points to the lunch aid or teachers or the principal thinking whatever happened was a very big deal. So call them on it.

I do not think this is making a big issue out of a small or unimportant one. If the punishment extended to the whole class, the school is making the issue a big one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP here. Just making it clear, I do think that it was a weird game and that my kid and her friends should be punished for not keeping their hands to themselves. I just don't understand why they are punishing the whole grade. Seems unfair to the other kids. My guess was the grade as a whole was already being loud, the lunch monitor was on edge, and jumped to conclusions. But I don't believe my kid stole food.

OP, the punishment seems inappropriate to me. If someone stole a child's food, there would be a child complaining about it, right? Is your daughter's friend complaining that her food was stolen?

If the lunch aide's concern is the kids are bullying another kids or something like that by keeping her lunch box away from her - then punishment makes a more sense. But is that the complaint?

I don't think you would be wrong at all to ask for more details. Honestly the lunch aide sounds nuts to me, but go ahead and very politely ask to get to the bottom of the lunch stealing incident, because punishment extended to the entire grade. To me, that points to the lunch aid or teachers or the principal thinking whatever happened was a very big deal. So call them on it.

I do not think this is making a big issue out of a small or unimportant one. If the punishment extended to the whole class, the school is making the issue a big one.

OP here. The kid never complained. The lunch monitor was walking around and saw the empty lunchbox being passed around.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is a bully. Accept and address before it can’t be broken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP here. Just making it clear, I do think that it was a weird game and that my kid and her friends should be punished for not keeping their hands to themselves. I just don't understand why they are punishing the whole grade. Seems unfair to the other kids. My guess was the grade as a whole was already being loud, the lunch monitor was on edge, and jumped to conclusions. But I don't believe my kid stole food.

OP, the punishment seems inappropriate to me. If someone stole a child's food, there would be a child complaining about it, right? Is your daughter's friend complaining that her food was stolen?

If the lunch aide's concern is the kids are bullying another kids or something like that by keeping her lunch box away from her - then punishment makes a more sense. But is that the complaint?

I don't think you would be wrong at all to ask for more details. Honestly the lunch aide sounds nuts to me, but go ahead and very politely ask to get to the bottom of the lunch stealing incident, because punishment extended to the entire grade. To me, that points to the lunch aid or teachers or the principal thinking whatever happened was a very big deal. So call them on it.

I do not think this is making a big issue out of a small or unimportant one. If the punishment extended to the whole class, the school is making the issue a big one.

OP here. The kid never complained. The lunch monitor was walking around and saw the empty lunchbox being passed around.

The kid may be scared to complain. I know 5th graders all seem kind individually but get a big group together and you will be surprised at how awful some of the sweetest kids can be to their peers. The more intelligent and mature often wield the most power and get away with it by staying collected and eloquent when pleading innocent

[Anonymous]

I do think it's strange that you take every story the child tells you as absolute fact instead of getting a more complete version from the adult. Your daughter's group was probably not the only group misbehaving that day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter is a bully. Accept and address before it can’t be broken.

OP, ask a friend IRL what they think. Obviously most of the posters here delight in jumping to the conclusion that your daughter is a bully, a liar, and a bad kid, while ironically lecturing you not to jump to conclusions that your daughter is telling the truth. No one here knows your daughter or her school. The lunch monitor sounds disgruntled, but there could be more going on that your daughter is either willing or informed enough to say. Don’t expect to get any advice of worth here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How didn't your daughter steal ice cream from her friend in kindergarten?

Also, would just say that she and her friends need to reassess their games. There is likely some dynamics going on that you're not aware of.

Both girls got ice cream. The friend finished her ice cream before going to the bathroom. When the friend left my daughter unwrapped my daughter's ice cream. The lunch monitor didn't realize both girls had gotten ice cream.

Come on OP.

You are missing something here.

[Anonymous]

Op—this crap happens during lunch. Kids are loud and a hit out of control. They try to tame the kids with this silent lunch punishment.
Sorry that your DC had an especially bad day. It did sound upsetting.

[Anonymous]

^Bit, not hit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

To add flame to the fire DD, who has gotten in trouble at school about five times ever, got accused of stealing food at lunch.

You say that as if it’s a small amount of times?!

Five times over the course of her education. She has been attending school since preschool so in a sevenyear period she has only gotten in trouble about five times.

In first a boy stole the bathroom pass from her so she wrote him a note saying "Give me back my bathroom pass!" which got her in trouble for passing notes. There was the time she got accused of stealing ice cream and she's gotten in trouble twice for talking. And then there was this incident so yeah, I do think five times is a small number of times.

Please note that in the next seven years of her k-12 schooling, there are going to be a dozens of incidents where you daughter tells you something that she describes as her being misunderstood or unfairly punished. This is completely normal and part of developing social skills among her peers. When you go on to believe every word she tells you without hearing the other side of the story and then fret and seethe over it for years afterward, you may be harming her social development in the long run.

I don't think my daughter was lying to me. This is not my first-time parenting-she has older siblings and I know when my kids are lying. I don't think believing her will "ruin her social development."

It's not that she's necessarily lying, but that her perception of events is not exactly the entire story. She tells you what happened from her point of view and you have no idea if the class was punished because of this one group, or if there were three other groups of kids who were being equally excitable so the monitor put the hammer down. There does seem to be a pattern of you hanging on every incident as if your daughter is being persecuted. The ice cream thing was five years ago, and yes, the adult probably made a mistake. Why even bring it up now? The bathroom pass incident was again, one side of a story that the teacher probably doesn't even remember. But you now consider it one of the great persecutions of your daughter during her elementary school years. These things happen. You calm your daughter, maybe suggest some behavioral adjustment, and the let it go. You are not letting go and you don't even know the whole story.

I think you are mischaracterizing OP re bringing up prior incidents. At first she said her daughter was in trouble only 5 times before to try to show her daughter is not a troublemaker. Then she was questioned about why she considers 5 previous incidents not a troublemaker and so she explained those incidents. It’s not as if she brought them up as stories of persecution. And remembering something is not the same thing as dwelling on it. This is typical DCUM blame the OP thinking where everything OP says will be challenged and misconstrued.

[Anonymous]

It could be that the one girl seems like she is ok but has gone home and complained to Mom about kids being mean at lunch or is hiding that what has happened at lunch has bothered her. The parents called the school and complained and this is the response.

As others have said, you are getting the story from your child. You getting her potentially sanitized version of the story. it could be that they were passing around a lunch box, that would be silly but most 5th graders are not playing make believe lunch so it is hard to believe. It could be that the girl had something in her lunch box that one of the other girls wanted and they took the box and the item and passed it around.

Kids, even good ones, have reasons for not telling the complete truth. Call the school and ask for the adult version of what happened. Or email the Teacher.

I would guess that there is something going on at the school involving this game that the the school sees as problematic or with regard to the particular child who owns the lunch box.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

To add flame to the fire DD, who has gotten in trouble at school about five times ever, got accused of stealing food at lunch.

You say that as if it’s a small amount of times?!

Five times over the course of her education. She has been attending school since preschool so in a sevenyear period she has only gotten in trouble about five times.

In first a boy stole the bathroom pass from her so she wrote him a note saying "Give me back my bathroom pass!" which got her in trouble for passing notes. There was the time she got accused of stealing ice cream and she's gotten in trouble twice for talking. And then there was this incident so yeah, I do think five times is a small number of times.

Please note that in the next seven years of her k-12 schooling, there are going to be a dozens of incidents where you daughter tells you something that she describes as her being misunderstood or unfairly punished. This is completely normal and part of developing social skills among her peers. When you go on to believe every word she tells you without hearing the other side of the story and then fret and seethe over it for years afterward, you may be harming her social development in the long run.

I don't think my daughter was lying to me. This is not my first-time parenting-she has older siblings and I know when my kids are lying. I don't think believing her will "ruin her social development."

It's not that she's necessarily lying, but that her perception of events is not exactly the entire story. She tells you what happened from her point of view and you have no idea if the class was punished because of this one group, or if there were three other groups of kids who were being equally excitable so the monitor put the hammer down. There does seem to be a pattern of you hanging on every incident as if your daughter is being persecuted. The ice cream thing was five years ago, and yes, the adult probably made a mistake. Why even bring it up now? The bathroom pass incident was again, one side of a story that the teacher probably doesn't even remember. But you now consider it one of the great persecutions of your daughter during her elementary school years. These things happen. You calm your daughter, maybe suggest some behavioral adjustment, and the let it go. You are not letting go and you don't even know the whole story.

I think you are mischaracterizing OP re bringing up prior incidents. At first she said her daughter was in trouble only 5 times before to try to show her daughter is not a troublemaker. Then she was questioned about why she considers 5 previous incidents not a troublemaker and so she explained those incidents. It’s not as if she brought them up as stories of persecution. And remembering something is not the same thing as dwelling on it. This is typical DCUM blame the OP thinking where everything OP says will be challenged and misconstrued.

OP's only source of information is from the child. The child has a bad day, as children regularly do, and comes home to whine to Mom. This is normal and it's great that Mom is there for emotional support. But, to use these instances as the times her daughter is "in trouble" is a problem. It's really only a problem if the school reports the instance back to the parent. If the daughter comes home one day and reports that a teacher scolded her for passing a note, it's not really trouble. It's just the normal life of an elementary school student. Trust me, if someone at the school really thought she had stolen someone else's lunch, there would have been at least a phone call.