Sister is getting divorced, no money and no job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is in the process of getting divorced. She has kids. Neither she nor her soon to be ex ever made a ton of money, mostly because they never really worked regular jobs. Still do not. But together they were able to piece-together the basics for the kids. Now that she is getting divorced, she cannot do that. She also isn’t interested in getting a job. Which I find to be totally crazy. If she worked at a job, I would be 100% open to helping her and the kids. What would you do in this circumstance?

What makes you think this is your problem to solve? Has she outright asked you for money?

Oh yeah. All of the time. I have given it to her in the past but she spends it on stupid stuff. Parents have done the same.

I am concerned about the kids. They do not have a stable home life but I am not sure how to help provide one.

So you’ve all been enabling this behavior.
“I’m happy to help as soon as you get a job. And I can pay Xxx bills directly.” Give no cash to her.

For sure! But it is so hard when kids are involved. If she didn’t have kids, it would be much easier to tough love the situation. But her kids are my niece and nephew and totally innocent in all of this.

[Anonymous]

Help her explore government resources such as food stamps, utility assistance, rent subsidies, welfare benefits. But do not give them money. Is she making any attempt to improve her situation, I.e., job training?

[Anonymous]

Is she asking you for help? If she's not asking, I would do nothing except keep an eye out for the kids. If you can, take them for a day or weekend every now and then to make sure they are doing okay. When you do this, do not badmouth the mom; just try to be a safe and stable adult they could come to if something was wrong in their lives.

If she is asking for help, then it's okay to ask what her plan is for income, housing, and childcare. You might help by buying groceries a few times while she gets established, or help her with job applications. Do not make loans, only gifts; she's not going to pay it back and it's better not to have that between you.

You obviously don't approve of her, but if you are judgey and unapproachable it can put her kids in more danger, e.g., she may be more likely to hook up with some sketchy guy who can provide housing, and that's a common scenario for child abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is in the process of getting divorced. She has kids. Neither she nor her soon to be ex ever made a ton of money, mostly because they never really worked regular jobs. Still do not. But together they were able to piece-together the basics for the kids. Now that she is getting divorced, she cannot do that. She also isn’t interested in getting a job. Which I find to be totally crazy. If she worked at a job, I would be 100% open to helping her and the kids. What would you do in this circumstance?

What makes you think this is your problem to solve? Has she outright asked you for money?

Oh yeah. All of the time. I have given it to her in the past but she spends it on stupid stuff. Parents have done the same.

I am concerned about the kids. They do not have a stable home life but I am not sure how to help provide one.

So you’ve all been enabling this behavior.
“I’m happy to help as soon as you get a job. And I can pay Xxx bills directly.” Give no cash to her.

For sure! But it is so hard when kids are involved. If she didn’t have kids, it would be much easier to tough love the situation. But her kids are my niece and nephew and totally innocent in all of this.

Oh well. If you or other family members continue to enable her, she will never get a job and support her kids. There is zero incentive. Let her flounder, people like your sister can rise to the occasion when they realize their is no safety net for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is in the process of getting divorced. She has kids. Neither she nor her soon to be ex ever made a ton of money, mostly because they never really worked regular jobs. Still do not. But together they were able to piece-together the basics for the kids. Now that she is getting divorced, she cannot do that. She also isn’t interested in getting a job. Which I find to be totally crazy. If she worked at a job, I would be 100% open to helping her and the kids. What would you do in this circumstance?

What makes you think this is your problem to solve? Has she outright asked you for money?

Oh yeah. All of the time. I have given it to her in the past but she spends it on stupid stuff. Parents have done the same.

I am concerned about the kids. They do not have a stable home life but I am not sure how to help provide one.

So you’ve all been enabling this behavior.
“I’m happy to help as soon as you get a job. And I can pay Xxx bills directly.” Give no cash to her.

+1

For sure! But it is so hard when kids are involved. If she didn’t have kids, it would be much easier to tough love the situation. But her kids are my niece and nephew and totally innocent in all of this.

Oh well. If you or other family members continue to enable her, she will never get a job and support her kids. There is zero incentive. Let her flounder, people like your sister can rise to the occasion when they realize their is no safety net for them.

[Anonymous]

Send her an Instacart order of groceries once in a while (not weekly). Don't give her cash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is in the process of getting divorced. She has kids. Neither she nor her soon to be ex ever made a ton of money, mostly because they never really worked regular jobs. Still do not. But together they were able to piece-together the basics for the kids. Now that she is getting divorced, she cannot do that. She also isn’t interested in getting a job. Which I find to be totally crazy. If she worked at a job, I would be 100% open to helping her and the kids. What would you do in this circumstance?

What makes you think this is your problem to solve? Has she outright asked you for money?

Oh yeah. All of the time. I have given it to her in the past but she spends it on stupid stuff. Parents have done the same.

I am concerned about the kids. They do not have a stable home life but I am not sure how to help provide one.

NP here. I have BTDT with my sister. Don't make the same mistakes I made. My sister is just lazy, and doesn't want to work. I was paying for my nephew's camps, school, groceries, etc. She was making me feel so guilty. But that meant diverting money away from my own children, who will be in college soon. So I finally got a back bone and said no. She was pretty shocked, but I held firm. She applied for SNAP, hustled my mother for some money, and is better about what she spends. She still isn't working though.

Don't enable her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking you for help? If she's not asking, I would do nothing except keep an eye out for the kids. If you can, take them for a day or weekend every now and then to make sure they are doing okay. When you do this, do not badmouth the mom; just try to be a safe and stable adult they could come to if something was wrong in their lives.

If she is asking for help, then it's okay to ask what her plan is for income, housing, and childcare. You might help by buying groceries a few times while she gets established, or help her with job applications. Do not make loans, only gifts; she's not going to pay it back and it's better not to have that between you.

You obviously don't approve of her, but if you are judgey and unapproachable it can put her kids in more danger, e.g., she may be more likely to hook up with some sketchy guy who can provide housing, and that's a common scenario for child abuse.

Yes. She asks for money all of the time. I would never think she would pay me back. That just isn’t something she does. I am judgey that she doesn’t do what is necessary to make sure her kids have the basics. It makes me super angry that she brought kids in to this situation and won’t be a good parent.

[Anonymous]

Do you like the father and feel good about enabling him? I mean if you pay their way he has no incentive to step up. Don’t let your sister brush off what the kids father should be doing.

[Anonymous]

So the consensus is that I am not a jerk if I do not give her money? Family and money is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the consensus is that I am not a jerk if I do not give her money? Family and money is hard.

That is correct.

[Anonymous]

You are definitely not a jerk if you say no. You are helping her figure out how to be an adult, which is a bigger gift to your niece and nephew than enabling/codependent/Parasitic behavior.

[Anonymous]

Do not help her she needs to figure this out in her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you like the father and feel good about enabling him? I mean if you pay their way he has no incentive to step up. Don’t let your sister brush off what the kids father should be doing.

The sister needs to get a job as well. Per the OP the father is the only one that has supported the family. Now the sister needs to join the workforce as well.

[Anonymous]

Is part of your fear that she would turn your niece and nephew against you or cut you out of their lives if you don’t financially assist her? I know it sounds dramatic but it happens.