Going back to work after SAH with zero regrets

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Solidarity, OP. I'm in the same boat after a 4 year gap (just one kid) and I feel the same way. I'm happy with my choices, happy to be going back, loved the last few years and also looking forward to the next phase.

I think people assume it's going to be really hard to re-enter the workforce or that something critical has been lost that will handicap us moving forward. But since I have little to no interest in returning to the kind of job I was doing pre-kids, and in fact left that job pretty happily and saw motherhood as an opportunity to move on from a career that wasn't that fulfilling and didn't offer a ton of work/life balance, I don't feel like I've lost anything.

I have my second interview for a very interesting product development job next week and am thrilled. I thought interviewing would be really stressful and I'd feel like a fraud but it's felt easy and I feel more confident than I ever used to. I don't know if I'll get this job but I feel confident I will get a job, and I also feel like I'm approaching it from a powerful position of knowing I don't have to take the first thing that comes along or accept a bad offer because we've been making it work on one income for this long -- we can wait a few more months until I find the right fit.

You've reduced your social security benefits down the road and lost some earning power from being out of the work force that will continue to impact how much money you earn for the rest of your career. Women need to talk about this stuff. Women are far more likely to end up in poverty in old age regardless of race, educational background, or marital status.

I'm not saying this is you. However, these are actual issues that affect women in the aggregate and are real. So it's not nothing is lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone said that or are you assuming due to their reaction? I and so many of my friends stayed home for a while and went back to work when the kids are older. That's so normal. I guess you can say that was always your plan? Or, even if it wasn't always your plan, now you realize that's what you want to do at this point in your life.
And of course, stick up for SAHMs (and all the other moms! and dads!) out there. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who belittled someone else's choices, even if it wasn't my choice.

I’m a sahm and used to be a working mom. Everyone is different.

I admit I used to look down at SAHMs when I was NOT a mom. I did not understand. When I had a big career and barely saw my baby, that was miserable for me. I am infinitely happier spending time with my 3 children. I’m busy planning our spring break and summer, all things I could not be doing if I were working.

So OP if you at all said things like this, this is why you are now getting less than positive responses to your news you're going back to work.

Pp here. Did I say something offensive? I used to work long hours and barely saw my kid. Then I got a less demanding lateral job and had a second kid. Then I stayed home and had another kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I left a demanding career to SAH almost ten years ago, and I’m now considering going back to work in a lower-pressure field related to my old career.

Although I’m excited about the possible change, I feel like I keep having casual conversations with others that suggest if I’m going back to work I must somehow regret having stayed home. Which isn’t true, at all. I treasure the years I had at home, but my kids are older now and I still have a long life ahead of me. How would you respond to someone who suggests I must regret the last ten years? Or worse, thinks that because I’m going back to work it’s suddenly ok to belittle SAHMs to me? Does anyone else have experience with this? It puts me in such an awkward situation.

I have three kids and have always worked, but am lucky enough to have been able to progress up the ladder while being in remote positions at F500 companies and now a FAANG. I bring my kids to school and see them all the time when they are in and out (we have a FT nanny, so it's not like I provide childcare during the workday) and I love it and feel so connected to them. I can't imagine going into a hybrid or FT in-office role until my youngest is older, so I understand to an extent the pull of wanting to be home when they are young. I would never think someone transitioning back to the workforce when their youngest was in ES or MS was due to their not liking their work. I would assume it was due to them being needed in a different way by their kids and wanting to do something professionally fulfilling/interesting now that they were needed in a different way and had the space to take that on.

People who feel the need to make comments about others choices in this area (and most areas) are insecure about their own choices and/or are seeking validation, so just remind yourself of that. When I'm uncomfortable with where people are going I basically don't respond or just say "mmm" and then change the subject. I know a lot of people on DCUM suggest cutting rejoinders but if these are people you see on the daily it's probably not worth to tell them off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone said that or are you assuming due to their reaction? I and so many of my friends stayed home for a while and went back to work when the kids are older. That's so normal. I guess you can say that was always your plan? Or, even if it wasn't always your plan, now you realize that's what you want to do at this point in your life.
And of course, stick up for SAHMs (and all the other moms! and dads!) out there. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who belittled someone else's choices, even if it wasn't my choice.

I’m a sahm and used to be a working mom. Everyone is different.

I admit I used to look down at SAHMs when I was NOT a mom. I did not understand. When I had a big career and barely saw my baby, that was miserable for me. I am infinitely happier spending time with my 3 children. I’m busy planning our spring break and summer, all things I could not be doing if I were working.

So OP if you at all said things like this, this is why you are now getting less than positive responses to your news you're going back to work.

Pp here. Did I say something offensive? I used to work long hours and barely saw my kid. Then I got a less demanding lateral job and had a second kid. Then I stayed home and had another kid.

People who work are also able to plan spring break and summer. There are women with "big jobs" who are able to spend time with their children. I understand you were conveying your personal experience though.

[Anonymous]

Pay those people no mind, OP. I got some similar reactions after re-entering the workforce after 4 years SAH. My mom experienced it after starting a third career after 20 years SAH. I won't say I had no regrets at all, but I certainly don't feel compelled to share those regrets with others who make unwanted comments, and by and large the experience was positive for me, DH, and my kids. Ignore the busybodies and do what's right for you and your family. Good luck with your workforce re-entry.

[Anonymous]

Some people are CRAZY about others making different life choices. They have a need to squash any validity in other options to feel better about themselves and they end up loathing the other sides. Thankfully, many people are way above that belittling and you should see it as an alert to avoid this emotionally small and biased individual.

[Anonymous]

I think it's because as a working mom, I really only encounter SAHMs who are overwhelmed, drowning and can't stand being home all day. I think those SAHMs are the ones that are most vocal. Happy SAHMs aren't out there talking about it, they're just happily living their lives.

Just like how the spokesperson for WOH moms is a harried mom who never sees her kids and hates her job. She doesn't speak for all of us!

Just ignore people's comments and don't read too much into them. They're likely just making conversation or reflecting their own lives.

[Anonymous]

There are probably ex sahms who go along to get along too and be more accepted so they'll join the sahm bashing to show they are "not like those moms" it happens more in race and gender issues (I'm not like those people you look down on so I'll prove it by trashing them more)

[Anonymous]

You know, I was going to say that people are supportive of me as a SAHM and that’s true, but there are a lot of things people say to me that I would never say to a working mom. Like,
“Wow, how long are you going to do that?”
“I think I would go crazy.”
“That’s the hardest job in the world.”

Etc. It’s not a big deal but it can definitely put you on the defensive over time. I should probably work on some sort of script for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone said that or are you assuming due to their reaction? I and so many of my friends stayed home for a while and went back to work when the kids are older. That's so normal. I guess you can say that was always your plan? Or, even if it wasn't always your plan, now you realize that's what you want to do at this point in your life.
And of course, stick up for SAHMs (and all the other moms! and dads!) out there. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who belittled someone else's choices, even if it wasn't my choice.

I’m a sahm and used to be a working mom. Everyone is different.

I admit I used to look down at SAHMs when I was NOT a mom. I did not understand. When I had a big career and barely saw my baby, that was miserable for me. I am infinitely happier spending time with my 3 children. I’m busy planning our spring break and summer, all things I could not be doing if I were working.

So OP if you at all said things like this, this is why you are now getting less than positive responses to your news you're going back to work.

Pp here. Did I say something offensive? I used to work long hours and barely saw my kid. Then I got a less demanding lateral job and had a second kid. Then I stayed home and had another kid.

People who work are also able to plan spring break and summer. There are women with "big jobs" who are able to spend time with their children. I understand you were conveying your personal experience though.

Pp here. We did not always go away during breaks. For winter break, I put my kids in camp for a week and then grandparents visited for a week. I have memories of putting kids in Lego camps for various teacher work days. The year I stopped working, there was a huge blizzard and school was closed for two weeks. Many of my coworkers did not have kids or had stay at home wives so I felt I was constantly missing work due to sickness, doctor appointments, snow days, etc. I could have continued but I didn’t want to.

I know that on dcum everyone has these magical flexible high paying jobs that allows them to be home whenever or not miss school events and pick kids up from school or meet kids at the bus stop but that was not the case for my jobs, even ones that were supposedly flexible. I had meetings and calls all day. I couldn’t just go to some random school reading cafe at 10:30 in the morning. I used to hate all those school things because it would stress me out. Now I see those parents who seem annoyed and stressed about the same things and I know how they feel. I used to hate teacher work days and snow days. Now we all love them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I left a demanding career to SAH almost ten years ago, and I’m now considering going back to work in a lower-pressure field related to my old career.

Although I’m excited about the possible change, I feel like I keep having casual conversations with others that suggest if I’m going back to work I must somehow regret having stayed home. Which isn’t true, at all. I treasure the years I had at home, but my kids are older now and I still have a long life ahead of me. How would you respond to someone who suggests I must regret the last ten years? Or worse, thinks that because I’m going back to work it’s suddenly ok to belittle SAHMs to me? Does anyone else have experience with this? It puts me in such an awkward situation.

Nobody cares op. Just making conversation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I left a demanding career to SAH almost ten years ago, and I’m now considering going back to work in a lower-pressure field related to my old career.

Although I’m excited about the possible change, I feel like I keep having casual conversations with others that suggest if I’m going back to work I must somehow regret having stayed home. Which isn’t true, at all. I treasure the years I had at home, but my kids are older now and I still have a long life ahead of me. How would you respond to someone who suggests I must regret the last ten years? Or worse, thinks that because I’m going back to work it’s suddenly ok to belittle SAHMs to me? Does anyone else have experience with this? It puts me in such an awkward situation.

I felt this from one co worker (gossiping about that I was returning from previously staying at home) and then I felt it from the HR lady who was being really gatekeeperish with the gaps in employment. She couldn't really display any type of understanding about it but kept referring to it. Like what do you want me to do, I was trying to keep my babies alive 24/7 at the time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you, OP. Had a 60hr/week job, quit after having kids, got my youngest to K and am no re-entering the workforce with zero regrets. I loved my time with my kids and I know they are all the better for it.

I agree that most of those comments probably come from working moms who feel some kind of guilt about it. I really can't imagine any other category of people saying anything.

Um. People like you judging working parents is why moms feel guilt. Maybe don’t say things like “I know they are better for it”. What you did is not “better”, it was just better for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left a demanding career to SAH almost ten years ago, and I’m now considering going back to work in a lower-pressure field related to my old career.

Although I’m excited about the possible change, I feel like I keep having casual conversations with others that suggest if I’m going back to work I must somehow regret having stayed home. Which isn’t true, at all. I treasure the years I had at home, but my kids are older now and I still have a long life ahead of me. How would you respond to someone who suggests I must regret the last ten years? Or worse, thinks that because I’m going back to work it’s suddenly ok to belittle SAHMs to me? Does anyone else have experience with this? It puts me in such an awkward situation.

Nobody cares op. Just making conversation

+2. Keep it to yourself if you don’t want to have a conversation about it. Easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone said that or are you assuming due to their reaction? I and so many of my friends stayed home for a while and went back to work when the kids are older. That's so normal. I guess you can say that was always your plan? Or, even if it wasn't always your plan, now you realize that's what you want to do at this point in your life.
And of course, stick up for SAHMs (and all the other moms! and dads!) out there. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who belittled someone else's choices, even if it wasn't my choice.

I’m a sahm and used to be a working mom. Everyone is different.

I admit I used to look down at SAHMs when I was NOT a mom. I did not understand. When I had a big career and barely saw my baby, that was miserable for me. I am infinitely happier spending time with my 3 children. I’m busy planning our spring break and summer, all things I could not be doing if I were working.

So OP if you at all said things like this, this is why you are now getting less than positive responses to your news you're going back to work.

Pp here. Did I say something offensive? I used to work long hours and barely saw my kid. Then I got a less demanding lateral job and had a second kid. Then I stayed home and had another kid.

People who work are also able to plan spring break and summer. There are women with "big jobs" who are able to spend time with their children. I understand you were conveying your personal experience though.

Pp here. We did not always go away during breaks. For winter break, I put my kids in camp for a week and then grandparents visited for a week. I have memories of putting kids in Lego camps for various teacher work days. The year I stopped working, there was a huge blizzard and school was closed for two weeks. Many of my coworkers did not have kids or had stay at home wives so I felt I was constantly missing work due to sickness, doctor appointments, snow days, etc. I could have continued but I didn’t want to.

I know that on dcum everyone has these magical flexible high paying jobs that allows them to be home whenever or not miss school events and pick kids up from school or meet kids at the bus stop but that was not the case for my jobs, even ones that were supposedly flexible. I had meetings and calls all day. I couldn’t just go to some random school reading cafe at 10:30 in the morning. I used to hate all those school things because it would stress me out. Now I see those parents who seem annoyed and stressed about the same things and I know how they feel. I used to hate teacher work days and snow days. Now we all love them.

Yes your experience is totally valid and other people's experiences are valid.

Flexible high paying jobs aren't magical at all. It's what happens when you wait to have your kids a bit longer and bust ass early in your career and are strategic about some choices. Which that has pros and cons too and isn't possible for everyone.

Let's just not make blanket statements about what it means to work and what it means to stay home with kids. When you've met one working mom, you've met one working mom and when you've met one SAHM, you've met one SAHM.