Do you know where your 18 year old goes when going out at night?

[Anonymous]

Get life 360

[Anonymous]

I don’t always know where my 15 year old is. I think it’s crazy to be that controlling. Maybe your son is vague because he knows you’ll judge and disapprove of his friends, who he’s finally engaging with years past when most teens do. Sounds like he’s meeting all his obligations and is going to college in the fall, when you’ll have no idea who he’s with or what he’s doing unless he decides to share that with you. If you want to address the drug use, do it more from an educational perspective on the dangers of THC on a developing brain and chances of developing a psychotic disorder. That’s the main risk, and that he’s not driving under the influence.

In other words- treat him like the young adult he is.

[Anonymous]

he doesn't always tell me what time he's coming home, and that's fine. He's usually at his friends house just chilling out.

But he has a 12pm curfew for now, and when school is over, he will still have a curfew, but just later. He takes our car.

Last night he was out till 1am, so I'll be having a chat with him about what happened there. I'm not going to make a big stink out of it because he's about to go off to college, but I do want him to respect our rules.

He did text me to tell me why he was late, and that he was going to leave "soon".

We have told him repeatedly that *if* he drinks, absolutely do not drive, that we will pick him up. His safety is the most important thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get life 360

not at 18

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get life 360

not at 18

to add.. we have that on our kids phone, but when they are 18, if they don't want it, I don't think you should push for it.

[Anonymous]

It’s all fun and games until your kid gets busted for underage drinking at a house party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s all fun and games until your kid gets busted for underage drinking at a house party.

This doesn’t happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s all fun and games until your kid gets busted for underage drinking at a house party.

This doesn’t happen.

Yes it does. It literally happened to upwards of 50 teens in MoCo last night. House party with 100+ 15/16/17 year olds. Some kids ran and weren’t caught while others were blocked in police at the front and back doors. Kids had to use a breathalyzer, call their parents to be picked up, and were issued citations. Next step: notification by Juvenile Services for a hearing.

Obviously parents had no clue about this until they got the call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s all fun and games until your kid gets busted for underage drinking at a house party.

By this logic we shouldn’t send them to college until they’re 21

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He will be off to college and away in 4 months. I’m going to go against everyone and say stop the location sharing and tracking, unless all of you agree to this. I think it’s creepy to track college aged young adults, like some parents do.

My kids are little younger but teens. So far, they aren’t out all night. I plan on treating them the same way my parents treated me. Common respect for the people you like with. I need to know an approximate time they will be home, and to let me know if they are staying at a friends. Also let me know if they are taking a road trip. I would do the same if I wasn’t coming home for any reason or going away for the weekend.

Keep communicating, like you are doing. It’s good you are open about drugs and alcohol. Many will try it. Personally, I wouldn’t be okay with keeping mj in the house.

The bolded makes your advice useless. Having “find my iPhone” on your kid’s phone that you pay for when your kid is driving the car around at night that you also pay for is not only not creepy but is in fact responsible from a safety perspective. Knowing when your kid arrives somewhere safely or that they are headed home when they aren’t picking up the phone is peace of mind.

My teen with a new drivers’ license assured us they could drive themselves from a dmv suburb to a friend’s house in DC one night. Our kid put the address in maps and was off. Forty-five minutes later teen called, very nervous, because did not recognize where they were after following the nav. Turns out there was a street in PG County with the same name as the street in DC kid was trying to find. Because we had “find my” on, we could figure out where kid was and track them to ensure for them and us that they got on the right route.

The bolded makes your advice useless for those of us who don't pay for our children's phones or cars.

OP, I am in a seemingly very similar boat as you. My 18-year-old son (with anxiety and ADHD) has not hung out with friends pretty much throughout high school. Recently, he has been hanging out with a new group. I know the parents of one of the boys - not well, but enough to know that if this boy were using drugs or drinking and they were aware, there would be a heavy price to pay. That says to me that if this boy is using drugs or drinking, his parents are unaware, and he is very good at being sneaky.

My son shares his location with me because I've asked him to, but in return, I've told him that I will only look it up if I am concerned for his safety. I text him when he is out, and he returns my texts, so I haven't needed to verify location. But the new friend group worries me. Actually, everything about this child worries me, and I don't know when (if ever) I will feel as relaxed about him as I do about my other children.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I don't think any of this sounds like a huge deal. Many kids party in high school and go off to college and do the same and still graduate both and go on to live normal adult lives.

If he keeps his grades up, is asking for rides home, obeying curfew, then just make sure no drugs in the house and be a little more open.

Does he takes meds for anxiety? I am sure the weed helps, but if he isn't getting treated for anxiety, he needs to get some therapy and meds before college.

Agree. Everyone asking for life 360 on an adult’s phone is crazy!

Mom who partied in the woods and parents never knew where I was, and I graduated with honors in high school and college and am a nurse practitioner.

It’s like none of you were ever teens or are only raising introverts who stay home “safely” looking at porn and depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I don't think any of this sounds like a huge deal. Many kids party in high school and go off to college and do the same and still graduate both and go on to live normal adult lives.

If he keeps his grades up, is asking for rides home, obeying curfew, then just make sure no drugs in the house and be a little more open.

Does he takes meds for anxiety? I am sure the weed helps, but if he isn't getting treated for anxiety, he needs to get some therapy and meds before college.

Agree. Everyone asking for life 360 on an adult’s phone is crazy!

Mom who partied in the woods and parents never knew where I was, and I graduated with honors in high school and college and am a nurse practitioner.

It’s like none of you were ever teens or are only raising introverts who stay home “safely” looking at porn and depressed.

I hope I can keep it with my high schoolers when she attend college, I wont' be checking it every hour, just if she doesn't respond to my message or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 18 year old son is a senior in High School. He is the oldest in his class, and up until this year was a complete homebody. Some of this due to his social anxiety which he went to therapy for years ago. He stopped after 6 months when covid started, and I urged to go back but he didn't want to.

Starting this year when he turned 18, he has been going out on a regular basis which at first thrilled my husband and I. But our son seems very cagey about where he actually is. Sometimes, he'll say they went to the park, or to walk around Georgetown. But for example last night - it was pouring rain out, and when I asked where he went...he said - "somewhere". He does have a group of friends from earlier childhood, but he also has a new group of friends which seem to be the ones he hangs out with mostly, and from my perspective, they all come from very poor homes, and none of them are college bound. My son on the other hand is a straight A student, we are upper middle class, and is off to college this fall. He also has a part time job that he has had for 2 years, and has never missed a day. He is responsible with money, has his own car, and all in all is a pretty great kid interested in a lot of different things. But I cant help like feeling that my son is still struggling in some ways.

I have found Marijuana in his room, vape pens, joints, etc. I worry that he is using pot to deal with his social anxiety and has chosen this new group of friends that dont seem like a good fit for him. But I don't know what to think really.

Thoughts? And what are YOUR ground rules for knowing where your child is afterschool/evenings?

OP, have you tried talking to him? I would do that. But first, you need to reign in these judgmental thoughts you are having about his friends. If he has struggled socially and finally feels accepted you saying anything obviously bad about his new friends will not be received well.

I would acknowledge that he has always been a good, responsible kid, that you love and appreciate him, and that you know he's 18 now and entering adulthood, and that he has a right, to some extent, to his privacy. But I would also tell him that you feel worried because he has new friends who you don't know well who he spends a lot of time with, and also that you have found the pot in his room. Tell him that makes you feel worried. Then be quiet and see what he says.

Personally, I would have rules about no pot. It's dangerous for all kinds of reasons (including being laced with other drugs, kids self medicating instead of having mental health issues being properly treated, and also increasing risk of psychosis). Also, it would be dumb to go to jail for possession and/or DUI, and/or potentially impact any college acceptances. But I think for a kid you have a good relationship with, those kinds of concerns can be laid out in a conversation. You don't have to fly off the handle and kick him out like some people are suggesting.

These are the things I think are more important than knowing his specific location in the evenings.

Is he planning to go to college next year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get life 360

not at 18

to add.. we have that on our kids phone, but when they are 18, if they don't want it, I don't think you should push for it.

18 is just a number and can mean a wide range of things and not all 18 year olds are the same.

Plus:

Who's paying for the phone/plan?
Do they live under your roof?
Who owns the car that being driven?
Who's paying for the insurance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s all fun and games until your kid gets busted for underage drinking at a house party.

This doesn’t happen.

Yes it does. It literally happened to upwards of 50 teens in MoCo last night. House party with 100+ 15/16/17 year olds. Some kids ran and weren’t caught while others were blocked in police at the front and back doors. Kids had to use a breathalyzer, call their parents to be picked up, and were issued citations. Next step: notification by Juvenile Services for a hearing.

Obviously parents had no clue about this until they got the call.

I don't know why you even have to break this down for people on DCUM. Underage drinking busts have been happening for ages. Nothing new.