Do you know where your 18 year old goes when going out at night?

[Anonymous]

My 18 year old son is a senior in High School. He is the oldest in his class, and up until this year was a complete homebody. Some of this due to his social anxiety which he went to therapy for years ago. He stopped after 6 months when covid started, and I urged to go back but he didn't want to.

Starting this year when he turned 18, he has been going out on a regular basis which at first thrilled my husband and I. But our son seems very cagey about where he actually is. Sometimes, he'll say they went to the park, or to walk around Georgetown. But for example last night - it was pouring rain out, and when I asked where he went...he said - "somewhere". He does have a group of friends from earlier childhood, but he also has a new group of friends which seem to be the ones he hangs out with mostly, and from my perspective, they all come from very poor homes, and none of them are college bound. My son on the other hand is a straight A student, we are upper middle class, and is off to college this fall. He also has a part time job that he has had for 2 years, and has never missed a day. He is responsible with money, has his own car, and all in all is a pretty great kid interested in a lot of different things. But I cant help like feeling that my son is still struggling in some ways.

I have found Marijuana in his room, vape pens, joints, etc. I worry that he is using pot to deal with his social anxiety and has chosen this new group of friends that dont seem like a good fit for him. But I don't know what to think really.

Thoughts? And what are YOUR ground rules for knowing where your child is afterschool/evenings?

[Anonymous]

Is he dating anyone?

[Anonymous]

Definitely not. To our knowledge, he never has. He was very open with us about a girl last year that he liked, he spent months talking to her at lunch time, finally got up the nerve to ask her out and she said no. Since then, he has not mentioned a girl. And when I ask: any cute girls at school? He says no....

[Anonymous]

I use find my phone to see where my kids go. I have one with mental health issues and who engages in risky behaviors so it’s important for me to know. The “walk around Georgetown” and “somewhere” type comments for us meant things like hook ups.

Problem with find my phone is that it can be turned off and doesn’t work if phone battery dies. One thing that has been good for us is that I have older kids and they will always rescue my kid and not tell us anything.

Mine does vape and uses marijuana. It helps with anxiety though his psychiatrist isn’t a fan. We don’t allow it in the house and that is our line in the sand - bring it in and you are out. But we have come to see the value and we’ve developed a peace in terms of usage.

I find your comments about being from a poor home as offensive and judgmental. For all you know they are better people than your son.

[Anonymous]

Kick him out. He's 18 there is no need to put up with his crap.

[Anonymous]

I use “find my phone” when I’m concerned. My kids don’t like that I do it but it’s part of the deal if I pay for their phone. I don’t use it routinely but have used it when I was worried about their safety or well-being.

[Anonymous]

Not really. Certainly not by the spring of their senior year.

[Anonymous]

If he's not willing to respond and cooperate with your attempts to guide and support him then you have to let him go, he's 18. He may still be in HS but he could drop out tomorrow if he felt like it. You could try withholding college tuition or any other financial help you offer as a control measure, but it could backfire.

He sounds like a kid who mostly has his shit together so you might want to treat him like he's a mature, responsible adult and maybe if he's not already one he will rise to the occasion.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I know where DS is going and who he’s with. He asks for permission before he goes, tells me who he’s with and what they’re doing, and what time coming home. Drugs are not permitted. If he’s drinking we discuss who’s driving and talk scenarios. He tells us which friends do drugs and we’ve picked him up twice when he refused to ride with a drive me that had been drinking.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I don't think any of this sounds like a huge deal. Many kids party in high school and go off to college and do the same and still graduate both and go on to live normal adult lives.

If he keeps his grades up, is asking for rides home, obeying curfew, then just make sure no drugs in the house and be a little more open.

Does he takes meds for anxiety? I am sure the weed helps, but if he isn't getting treated for anxiety, he needs to get some therapy and meds before college.

[Anonymous]

My kid turned 18 this past October and is a HS senior. He always has to tell us where he's going. Period. Things will be different once he starts college, but this is our expectation while he's in high school.

And I would not be so calm about finding mj and vape pens in my kid's bedroom.

[Anonymous]

We always know. It's required that they tell us, and we use the free Life 360 app (some of us have Androids and some of us have iphones). We pay for the phones, the service, and until they do that themselves our phones, our rules. And the reality is, we don't actually stalk the kids that often. It's more when will they be coming home from a game or practice, so that dinner can be ready

The kids all learned in MS that the app needs to be turned on 100% of the time and that they are responsible for keeping the phone charged. They each went through a phase of turning it off in MS, and when caught, phone was taken away for 48 hours, and they were told if it happened again it would be a week. Two out of 3 kids lost their phones for 48 hours each, one for a week but not again.

Telling us where they are is usually, "going to Larlos to hang out with Larlo, Larla and others," or "going to the mall with ______," or "practice is over, me and Larlo Grabbing Five Guys," etc.

[Anonymous]

He will be off to college and away in 4 months. I’m going to go against everyone and say stop the location sharing and tracking, unless all of you agree to this. I think it’s creepy to track college aged young adults, like some parents do.

My kids are little younger but teens. So far, they aren’t out all night. I plan on treating them the same way my parents treated me. Common respect for the people you like with. I need to know an approximate time they will be home, and to let me know if they are staying at a friends. Also let me know if they are taking a road trip. I would do the same if I wasn’t coming home for any reason or going away for the weekend.

Keep communicating, like you are doing. It’s good you are open about drugs and alcohol. Many will try it. Personally, I wouldn’t be okay with keeping mj in the house.

[Anonymous]

He will be off to college and away in 4 months. I’m going to go against everyone and say stop the location sharing and tracking, unless all of you agree to this. I think it’s creepy to track college aged young adults, like some parents do.

My kids are little younger but teens. So far, they aren’t out all night. I plan on treating them the same way my parents treated me. Common respect for the people you like with. I need to know an approximate time they will be home, and to let me know if they are staying at a friends. Also let me know if they are taking a road trip. I would do the same if I wasn’t coming home for any reason or going away for the weekend.

Keep communicating, like you are doing. It’s good you are open about drugs and alcohol. Many will try it. Personally, I wouldn’t be okay with keeping mj in the house.

The bolded makes your advice useless. Having “find my iPhone” on your kid’s phone that you pay for when your kid is driving the car around at night that you also pay for is not only not creepy but is in fact responsible from a safety perspective. Knowing when your kid arrives somewhere safely or that they are headed home when they aren’t picking up the phone is peace of mind.

My teen with a new drivers’ license assured us they could drive themselves from a dmv suburb to a friend’s house in DC one night. Our kid put the address in maps and was off. Forty-five minutes later teen called, very nervous, because did not recognize where they were after following the nav. Turns out there was a street in PG County with the same name as the street in DC kid was trying to find. Because we had “find my” on, we could figure out where kid was and track them to ensure for them and us that they got on the right route.

[Anonymous]

Yes it was always a requirement that they at least tell me where they are going, and usually they texted to let me know they were there. I don't use tracking apps and never have. They are in college now and still generally tell me what they are doing.