Helping a 10yo make friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. She’s very friendly, and plays with anyone. She was always making new friends on the playground, so we never forced the issue of friends. But now, as she approaches adolescence, girls are forming groups and tighter friendships and she’s aware that she doesn’t have a close friend or friend group. She does not target the “popular “ girls. She (correctly) recognizes that they’re not very nice and/or have an unwelcoming dynamic. Our school is very international, which sometimes makes it hard to connect with the parents. She has two friends who are “her people” - quirky, silly, bookish, thoughtful, etc. Unfortunately, they both attend different schools. One lives in DC and is very busy so getting together is hard. I just reached out to an classroom acquaintance to make a play date.

She is in OT for sensory (mainly loud noises, chaos in the classroom, etc) and therapy. She is so far refusing medication, but we’re continuing to discuss it.

FYI she was doing soccer years ago, when her Girl Scout troop signed up and it was another social outlet. Turns out she’s not a group sports person, so the reasons she quit soccer are many. I guess I need to find another art class and maybe something at the library or with books? I will also look into Odyssey of the Mind. Thank you for the suggestions and compassionate replies.

Maybe you need to look at your own attitude if you're making such generalizations about "popular" girls. Do you even know them, as individuals? They likely are an inappropriate friend group for her right now, because they're probably more socially mature or have different interests, or their dialogue moves too fast for her, or they're into social media and pop culture more than you'll allow, or whatever. But be careful what kind of example you set for your DD about assuming people aren't nice just because they don't want to be BFFs with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. She’s very friendly, and plays with anyone. She was always making new friends on the playground, so we never forced the issue of friends. But now, as she approaches adolescence, girls are forming groups and tighter friendships and she’s aware that she doesn’t have a close friend or friend group. She does not target the “popular “ girls. She (correctly) recognizes that they’re not very nice and/or have an unwelcoming dynamic. Our school is very international, which sometimes makes it hard to connect with the parents. She has two friends who are “her people” - quirky, silly, bookish, thoughtful, etc. Unfortunately, they both attend different schools. One lives in DC and is very busy so getting together is hard. I just reached out to an classroom acquaintance to make a play date.

She is in OT for sensory (mainly loud noises, chaos in the classroom, etc) and therapy. She is so far refusing medication, but we’re continuing to discuss it.

FYI she was doing soccer years ago, when her Girl Scout troop signed up and it was another social outlet. Turns out she’s not a group sports person, so the reasons she quit soccer are many. I guess I need to find another art class and maybe something at the library or with books? I will also look into Odyssey of the Mind. Thank you for the suggestions and compassionate replies.

Maybe you need to look at your own attitude if you're making such generalizations about "popular" girls. Do you even know them, as individuals? They likely are an inappropriate friend group for her right now, because they're probably more socially mature or have different interests, or their dialogue moves too fast for her, or they're into social media and pop culture more than you'll allow, or whatever. But be careful what kind of example you set for your DD about assuming people aren't nice just because they don't want to be BFFs with her.

And let me ask you, OP. Are you hanging out in your free time with peers your own age who are depressed and anxious, and who quit and avoid things due to sensory issues? It would be nice if everyone was flexible and understanding and welcoming to everyone despite special needs, but the world isn't like that. And if you go judging everyone who doesn't go the extra mile to be friends with your DD, you'll be judging a lot of people.

I recommend the book It's So Much Work To Be Your Friend. It was really helpful to me with my kids' anxiety-based social issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post. My kid is very similar. I wish there was a safe way here to exchange information so we could get them together.

How old is your daughter, and are you in MOCO?

My kid is 10 with adhd, anxiety and depression. She takes many many meds which help but it was a long road and is not a cure all. We are in Silver Spring. She does fencing, swim, Girl Scouts and choir. But she doesn’t have her people and has experienced lots of exclusion. She’s bright and friendly and high strung and bossy and simultaneously immature and overly mature. She can talk about all her feelings in excruciating detail. She cannot seem to maintain meaningful friendships over the long run. She maybe has unrealistic expectations of what true friendship is. She works with a therapist. It’s all tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. She’s very friendly, and plays with anyone. She was always making new friends on the playground, so we never forced the issue of friends. But now, as she approaches adolescence, girls are forming groups and tighter friendships and she’s aware that she doesn’t have a close friend or friend group. She does not target the “popular “ girls. She (correctly) recognizes that they’re not very nice and/or have an unwelcoming dynamic. Our school is very international, which sometimes makes it hard to connect with the parents. She has two friends who are “her people” - quirky, silly, bookish, thoughtful, etc. Unfortunately, they both attend different schools. One lives in DC and is very busy so getting together is hard. I just reached out to an classroom acquaintance to make a play date.

She is in OT for sensory (mainly loud noises, chaos in the classroom, etc) and therapy. She is so far refusing medication, but we’re continuing to discuss it.

FYI she was doing soccer years ago, when her Girl Scout troop signed up and it was another social outlet. Turns out she’s not a group sports person, so the reasons she quit soccer are many. I guess I need to find another art class and maybe something at the library or with books? I will also look into Odyssey of the Mind. Thank you for the suggestions and compassionate replies.

Just because she doesn't like soccer doesn't mean you should write off all sports. She needs a physical outlet. What about swim or tennis? Gymnastics or dance? Fencing or archery? Ice skating? There are lots of things to try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. She’s very friendly, and plays with anyone. She was always making new friends on the playground, so we never forced the issue of friends. But now, as she approaches adolescence, girls are forming groups and tighter friendships and she’s aware that she doesn’t have a close friend or friend group. She does not target the “popular “ girls. She (correctly) recognizes that they’re not very nice and/or have an unwelcoming dynamic. Our school is very international, which sometimes makes it hard to connect with the parents. She has two friends who are “her people” - quirky, silly, bookish, thoughtful, etc. Unfortunately, they both attend different schools. One lives in DC and is very busy so getting together is hard. I just reached out to an classroom acquaintance to make a play date.

She is in OT for sensory (mainly loud noises, chaos in the classroom, etc) and therapy. She is so far refusing medication, but we’re continuing to discuss it.

FYI she was doing soccer years ago, when her Girl Scout troop signed up and it was another social outlet. Turns out she’s not a group sports person, so the reasons she quit soccer are many. I guess I need to find another art class and maybe something at the library or with books? I will also look into Odyssey of the Mind. Thank you for the suggestions and compassionate replies.

Maybe you need to look at your own attitude if you're making such generalizations about "popular" girls. Do you even know them, as individuals? They likely are an inappropriate friend group for her right now, because they're probably more socially mature or have different interests, or their dialogue moves too fast for her, or they're into social media and pop culture more than you'll allow, or whatever. But be careful what kind of example you set for your DD about assuming people aren't nice just because they don't want to be BFFs with her.

What? That’s a strange take. I do know them as individuals. Some are nice, but some are mean, and the group as a whole has an unwelcome dynamic. I’ve said nothing about this - she’s picked it up. Likewise, I know the moms well too, and some are nice and some are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. She’s very friendly, and plays with anyone. She was always making new friends on the playground, so we never forced the issue of friends. But now, as she approaches adolescence, girls are forming groups and tighter friendships and she’s aware that she doesn’t have a close friend or friend group. She does not target the “popular “ girls. She (correctly) recognizes that they’re not very nice and/or have an unwelcoming dynamic. Our school is very international, which sometimes makes it hard to connect with the parents. She has two friends who are “her people” - quirky, silly, bookish, thoughtful, etc. Unfortunately, they both attend different schools. One lives in DC and is very busy so getting together is hard. I just reached out to an classroom acquaintance to make a play date.

She is in OT for sensory (mainly loud noises, chaos in the classroom, etc) and therapy. She is so far refusing medication, but we’re continuing to discuss it.

FYI she was doing soccer years ago, when her Girl Scout troop signed up and it was another social outlet. Turns out she’s not a group sports person, so the reasons she quit soccer are many. I guess I need to find another art class and maybe something at the library or with books? I will also look into Odyssey of the Mind. Thank you for the suggestions and compassionate replies.

Just because she doesn't like soccer doesn't mean you should write off all sports. She needs a physical outlet. What about swim or tennis? Gymnastics or dance? Fencing or archery? Ice skating? There are lots of things to try.

I haven’t written off all sports. She tried gymnastics, ballet, acro, and ice skating. She did like tennis, but it was not group based. We hope to resume.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. She’s very friendly, and plays with anyone. She was always making new friends on the playground, so we never forced the issue of friends. But now, as she approaches adolescence, girls are forming groups and tighter friendships and she’s aware that she doesn’t have a close friend or friend group. She does not target the “popular “ girls. She (correctly) recognizes that they’re not very nice and/or have an unwelcoming dynamic. Our school is very international, which sometimes makes it hard to connect with the parents. She has two friends who are “her people” - quirky, silly, bookish, thoughtful, etc. Unfortunately, they both attend different schools. One lives in DC and is very busy so getting together is hard. I just reached out to an classroom acquaintance to make a play date.

She is in OT for sensory (mainly loud noises, chaos in the classroom, etc) and therapy. She is so far refusing medication, but we’re continuing to discuss it.

FYI she was doing soccer years ago, when her Girl Scout troop signed up and it was another social outlet. Turns out she’s not a group sports person, so the reasons she quit soccer are many. I guess I need to find another art class and maybe something at the library or with books? I will also look into Odyssey of the Mind. Thank you for the suggestions and compassionate replies.

Maybe you need to look at your own attitude if you're making such generalizations about "popular" girls. Do you even know them, as individuals? They likely are an inappropriate friend group for her right now, because they're probably more socially mature or have different interests, or their dialogue moves too fast for her, or they're into social media and pop culture more than you'll allow, or whatever. But be careful what kind of example you set for your DD about assuming people aren't nice just because they don't want to be BFFs with her.

And let me ask you, OP. Are you hanging out in your free time with peers your own age who are depressed and anxious, and who quit and avoid things due to sensory issues? It would be nice if everyone was flexible and understanding and welcoming to everyone despite special needs, but the world isn't like that. And if you go judging everyone who doesn't go the extra mile to be friends with your DD, you'll be judging a lot of people.

I recommend the book It's So Much Work To Be Your Friend. It was really helpful to me with my kids' anxiety-based social issues.

I’m not judging people who don’t go the extra mile. I’m just trying to help her find her people. I will check out that book, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. She’s very friendly, and plays with anyone. She was always making new friends on the playground, so we never forced the issue of friends. But now, as she approaches adolescence, girls are forming groups and tighter friendships and she’s aware that she doesn’t have a close friend or friend group. She does not target the “popular “ girls. She (correctly) recognizes that they’re not very nice and/or have an unwelcoming dynamic. Our school is very international, which sometimes makes it hard to connect with the parents. She has two friends who are “her people” - quirky, silly, bookish, thoughtful, etc. Unfortunately, they both attend different schools. One lives in DC and is very busy so getting together is hard. I just reached out to an classroom acquaintance to make a play date.

She is in OT for sensory (mainly loud noises, chaos in the classroom, etc) and therapy. She is so far refusing medication, but we’re continuing to discuss it.

FYI she was doing soccer years ago, when her Girl Scout troop signed up and it was another social outlet. Turns out she’s not a group sports person, so the reasons she quit soccer are many. I guess I need to find another art class and maybe something at the library or with books? I will also look into Odyssey of the Mind. Thank you for the suggestions and compassionate replies.

When you say the parents are “hard to connect with” what does this really mean? At age 10, most kids are starting to manage their own social lives to a certain extent. Of course, I text the parents and say “yes, my kid is inviting everyone over from 2-5 on Sunday, I will serve pizza”, but I am not trying to be friends with the parents. But my kid has relayed all the info and created a plan that has to be blessed by me.

In my case, my daughter is at a Spanish immersion school and a number of the parents have limited English skills. But their 10 year old (and presumably someone else in the home or google translate) has always allows them to respond back indicating if they are coming or not. In our case, my daughter’s group of friends almost never reciprocate (likely due to a lack of space and a focus on family events), but they are happy to show up at our house and the kids all have a great time.

I have no idea what your background is, but I want to encourage you to stretch towards just inviting people to your home even if you don’t “know” the parents and even if they don’t speak your language. The 10 year olds can translate any specific communication you want to provide. If your daughter makes a list of 10 people she is “friendly enough” with and you text the parents in a group — hopefully two or three will show up. Of course, you may need to manage your daughter’s expectations just in case.

And like all the others, I would encourage you to stretch her into other activities outside of school. I would also coach her more on how being “friendly enough” is a bridge to build upon. I know my 10 year old can get a little caught up sometimes in who her “best friends” are versus people she likes but doesn’t consider “friends.” I have tried to talk to her a lot about how friendships will ebb and flow and someone she isn’t super close with now may be her person in middle school or high school and vice versa. Sometimes including those “friendly enough” people in an invite can do remarkable things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post. My kid is very similar. I wish there was a safe way here to exchange information so we could get them together.

How old is your daughter, and are you in MOCO?

My kid is 10 with adhd, anxiety and depression. She takes many many meds which help but it was a long road and is not a cure all. We are in Silver Spring. She does fencing, swim, Girl Scouts and choir. But she doesn’t have her people and has experienced lots of exclusion. She’s bright and friendly and high strung and bossy and simultaneously immature and overly mature. She can talk about all her feelings in excruciating detail. She cannot seem to maintain meaningful friendships over the long run. She maybe has unrealistic expectations of what true friendship is. She works with a therapist. It’s all tough.

OP here. I’m sorry you’re in a similar boat. This stuff is so hard. My daughter’s friend who lives in DC said she lucked out last year and just happened to be placed in the class with quirky, bright, bookish girls like herself, so she found a group of friends. A lot of it is luck. I am personally not concerned with deep friendships right now, but friendships that are reciprocal and have a chance to grow over the long term. Fingers crossed for us both!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. She’s very friendly, and plays with anyone. She was always making new friends on the playground, so we never forced the issue of friends. But now, as she approaches adolescence, girls are forming groups and tighter friendships and she’s aware that she doesn’t have a close friend or friend group. She does not target the “popular “ girls. She (correctly) recognizes that they’re not very nice and/or have an unwelcoming dynamic. Our school is very international, which sometimes makes it hard to connect with the parents. She has two friends who are “her people” - quirky, silly, bookish, thoughtful, etc. Unfortunately, they both attend different schools. One lives in DC and is very busy so getting together is hard. I just reached out to an classroom acquaintance to make a play date.

She is in OT for sensory (mainly loud noises, chaos in the classroom, etc) and therapy. She is so far refusing medication, but we’re continuing to discuss it.

FYI she was doing soccer years ago, when her Girl Scout troop signed up and it was another social outlet. Turns out she’s not a group sports person, so the reasons she quit soccer are many. I guess I need to find another art class and maybe something at the library or with books? I will also look into Odyssey of the Mind. Thank you for the suggestions and compassionate replies.

When you say the parents are “hard to connect with” what does this really mean? At age 10, most kids are starting to manage their own social lives to a certain extent. Of course, I text the parents and say “yes, my kid is inviting everyone over from 2-5 on Sunday, I will serve pizza”, but I am not trying to be friends with the parents. But my kid has relayed all the info and created a plan that has to be blessed by me.

In my case, my daughter is at a Spanish immersion school and a number of the parents have limited English skills. But their 10 year old (and presumably someone else in the home or google translate) has always allows them to respond back indicating if they are coming or not. In our case, my daughter’s group of friends almost never reciprocate (likely due to a lack of space and a focus on family events), but they are happy to show up at our house and the kids all have a great time.

I have no idea what your background is, but I want to encourage you to stretch towards just inviting people to your home even if you don’t “know” the parents and even if they don’t speak your language. The 10 year olds can translate any specific communication you want to provide. If your daughter makes a list of 10 people she is “friendly enough” with and you text the parents in a group — hopefully two or three will show up. Of course, you may need to manage your daughter’s expectations just in case.

And like all the others, I would encourage you to stretch her into other activities outside of school. I would also coach her more on how being “friendly enough” is a bridge to build upon. I know my 10 year old can get a little caught up sometimes in who her “best friends” are versus people she likes but doesn’t consider “friends.” I have tried to talk to her a lot about how friendships will ebb and flow and someone she isn’t super close with now may be her person in middle school or high school and vice versa. Sometimes including those “friendly enough” people in an invite can do remarkable things

Thank you for this thoughtful post. We have had play dates in the past and socialized with the parents too. I am not trying to find her a best friend - I don’t love that terminology - but some girls she connects with. She is friendly with many girls, but we’re trying to help her take friendly to the next level, of friend. I have also reached out to the school librarian to ask about book clubs and media groups.

[Anonymous]

Do check out scouting (boy and girl). They tend to be accepting of kids with differences - check out a few packs/troops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post. My kid is very similar. I wish there was a safe way here to exchange information so we could get them together.

How old is your daughter, and are you in MOCO?

My kid is 10 with adhd, anxiety and depression. She takes many many meds which help but it was a long road and is not a cure all. We are in Silver Spring. She does fencing, swim, Girl Scouts and choir. But she doesn’t have her people and has experienced lots of exclusion. She’s bright and friendly and high strung and bossy and simultaneously immature and overly mature. She can talk about all her feelings in excruciating detail. She cannot seem to maintain meaningful friendships over the long run. She maybe has unrealistic expectations of what true friendship is. She works with a therapist. It’s all tough.

OP here. I’m sorry you’re in a similar boat. This stuff is so hard. My daughter’s friend who lives in DC said she lucked out last year and just happened to be placed in the class with quirky, bright, bookish girls like herself, so she found a group of friends. A lot of it is luck. I am personally not concerned with deep friendships right now, but friendships that are reciprocal and have a chance to grow over the long term. Fingers crossed for us both!

One of you make a new gmail account and post it here. Once you connect, ask Jeff to delete the post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. She’s very friendly, and plays with anyone. She was always making new friends on the playground, so we never forced the issue of friends. But now, as she approaches adolescence, girls are forming groups and tighter friendships and she’s aware that she doesn’t have a close friend or friend group. She does not target the “popular “ girls. She (correctly) recognizes that they’re not very nice and/or have an unwelcoming dynamic. Our school is very international, which sometimes makes it hard to connect with the parents. She has two friends who are “her people” - quirky, silly, bookish, thoughtful, etc. Unfortunately, they both attend different schools. One lives in DC and is very busy so getting together is hard. I just reached out to an classroom acquaintance to make a play date.

She is in OT for sensory (mainly loud noises, chaos in the classroom, etc) and therapy. She is so far refusing medication, but we’re continuing to discuss it.

FYI she was doing soccer years ago, when her Girl Scout troop signed up and it was another social outlet. Turns out she’s not a group sports person, so the reasons she quit soccer are many. I guess I need to find another art class and maybe something at the library or with books? I will also look into Odyssey of the Mind. Thank you for the suggestions and compassionate replies.

Maybe you need to look at your own attitude if you're making such generalizations about "popular" girls. Do you even know them, as individuals? They likely are an inappropriate friend group for her right now, because they're probably more socially mature or have different interests, or their dialogue moves too fast for her, or they're into social media and pop culture more than you'll allow, or whatever. But be careful what kind of example you set for your DD about assuming people aren't nice just because they don't want to be BFFs with her.

Go away. You are beyond unhelpful. OP ignore this troll.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, could you seek out a different Girl Scout troop? My daughter's troop has girls from different schools. It's such a kind, inclusive environment, and I'm sure so much of that has to do with the leaders. Were yours maybe not a good fit?

[Anonymous]

Have you looked into a small martial arts studio?