Helping a 10yo make friends

[Anonymous]

DD10 has anxiety, sensory issues, and possibly depression. She hasn’t yet found her friend group and she’s now crying almost daily about recess and lunch exclusions. Due to her sensory issues, she’s dropped out of Girl Scouts, soccer, and something else. DH and I force her to do religious school where, just like school, she’s friendly with girls but not friends. Her only two friends got into the CES and she didn’t. She loves art and does an art class which is ending shortly, but she also didn’t make any friends. She hates sports. How do I help her? Where do we try to find her people? She’s funny, quirky, kind, empathetic, and loves to read (but didn’t want to do book wars). She at MCPS but I’m beginning to consider private schools, even though we can’t afford it.

[Anonymous]

Have you reached out to the school counselor? This year my fifth grader has eaten lunch on Fridays with the counselor and two other girls, one of whom is new and has a lot of similar issues. The counselor chose buddies she thought would click with the girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you reached out to the school counselor? This year my fifth grader has eaten lunch on Fridays with the counselor and two other girls, one of whom is new and has a lot of similar issues. The counselor chose buddies she thought would click with the girl.

Thanks for your message. Yes, we are in frequent contact with the counselor. DD is in a lunch bunch and has made more acquaintances that way, but no real friends. DD is now asking to explore other schools, but I don’t know if that would solve the problems.

[Anonymous]

I was just thinking about it, what do sensory issues look like in a 10 year old? I always hear it mentioned when it comes to pre-k kids. It makes me wonder if there is a diagnosis that is missed?

[Anonymous]

I could have written your post. My kid is very similar. I wish there was a safe way here to exchange information so we could get them together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just thinking about it, what do sensory issues look like in a 10 year old? I always hear it mentioned when it comes to pre-k kids. It makes me wonder if there is a diagnosis that is missed?

For my kid it’s sensitivity to foods, fabrics, and loud noises.

[Anonymous]

Is there any girl she would like to do a playdate with? If so, I would reach out to that patent.

[Anonymous]

You say she is friendly but not friends. What would being friends with those kids look like? How is it different than being friendly? If she can help pinpoint that it would help a lot with making a plan.

Also, can you get a sense of whether she's been able to identify the "right" girls to try to connect with? As a teacher I saw girls who wanted friends and would often identify the popular girls as potential friends, as they stand out socially, but trying to get into that group was like entering a lion's den. Often there is a group of girls who fly more below the radar and are much more welcoming to all comers - perhaps the counselor can help id that group and make connections?

As for whether a different school would make a difference, I think the answer is maybe. Going to a different school isn't going to make her a different person, it's not going to make her anxiety for sensory issues go away, it's not going to make her magically outgoing. (No criticism in saying this - I was an anxious kid who always thought somehow I would be different in a different setting, but I never was.) That said, you mention lunch and recess exclusions; if other kids are actively excluding her (v. just not reaching out), it's possible that she's in a cohort with an actively negative social dynamic, in which case a different setting could help a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just thinking about it, what do sensory issues look like in a 10 year old? I always hear it mentioned when it comes to pre-k kids. It makes me wonder if there is a diagnosis that is missed?

Not OP, but for my child it's sound - loud environments make her anxiety worse. We actually tried a pair of earplugs for school for the first time today that allow voices in but dull background noise and she said it helped so much when she started to get stressed when the classroom was loud. She has social anxiety, and she described that when she can hear all the voices she starts worrying about what they're saying, are they talking about her, do they think she's doing something wrong, etc., and when that was blocked she worried a lot less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just thinking about it, what do sensory issues look like in a 10 year old? I always hear it mentioned when it comes to pre-k kids. It makes me wonder if there is a diagnosis that is missed?

Not OP, but for my child it's sound - loud environments make her anxiety worse. We actually tried a pair of earplugs for school for the first time today that allow voices in but dull background noise and she said it helped so much when she started to get stressed when the classroom was loud. She has social anxiety, and she described that when she can hear all the voices she starts worrying about what they're saying, are they talking about her, do they think she's doing something wrong, etc., and when that was blocked she worried a lot less.

A couple kids at my DC school wear noise canceling headphones in the cafeteria because it’s so loud and overwhelming. The counselor has them to hand out.

Ask the teacher to identify a kind child to invite on a play date. You can take them to a pottery place or something structured if your DD likes art.

Also, and I say this kindly, if your DD likes soccer and scouts and dropped out because of sensory issues I would really recommend working with a professional to come up with more ways to deal with her sensory issues. My child has a lot of food issues and it’s a struggle to handle them in socially acceptable ways but we have a goal of finding a way to do the things she wants to do despite her challenges. If she didn’t really love those keep working on finding an extracurricular that she does like and help her figure out how to manage sensory challenges.

[Anonymous]

Has she been assessed for autistic by someone with expertise with girls? Depression + sensory issues + social difficulties is so often autism.

Having aquaintances is a great first step. How can you help her build them into friendships, one person at a time? Highly structured 1:1 playdates are best.

I assume you are working with a psychiatrist for the depression? Do you have an OT for the sensory issues?

What has helped my autistic daughter, now in high school, is to really lean in on her special interests. Find ways that she can be with others who love the same things she loves.

[Anonymous]

Is she medicated for anxiety? It seems like it's pretty severe and impacting her life in a lot of ways.

I agree that you should talk with the teacher and try to get a better read on her friendship issues. It could be any number of things. Yes, she may be targeting a friendship group that simply isn't going to work out for her (like because the other kids don't have similar interests, or are at different maturity levels. Is your DD behaving appropriately around others-- does she recognize when someone is getting annoyed, does she respect others' boundaries physically, when someone approaches her does she respond in a nice way or is she paralyzed with anxiety and unintentionally giving them the cold shoulder? I had to work through a lot of this with my DD. Kids this age have to learn about social interactions and it may be that your DD can improve her social skills. It will only benefit her to have stronger social skills!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD10 has anxiety, sensory issues, and possibly depression. She hasn’t yet found her friend group and she’s now crying almost daily about recess and lunch exclusions. Due to her sensory issues, she’s dropped out of Girl Scouts, soccer, and something else. DH and I force her to do religious school where, just like school, she’s friendly with girls but not friends. Her only two friends got into the CES and she didn’t. She loves art and does an art class which is ending shortly, but she also didn’t make any friends. She hates sports. How do I help her? Where do we try to find her people? She’s funny, quirky, kind, empathetic, and loves to read (but didn’t want to do book wars). She at MCPS but I’m beginning to consider private schools, even though we can’t afford it.

She needs to be getting out their more. More art classes or whatever activities she likes. More playdates. Maybe try Odyssey of the Mind next year? Something with a small core group where she can make friends.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. She’s very friendly, and plays with anyone. She was always making new friends on the playground, so we never forced the issue of friends. But now, as she approaches adolescence, girls are forming groups and tighter friendships and she’s aware that she doesn’t have a close friend or friend group. She does not target the “popular “ girls. She (correctly) recognizes that they’re not very nice and/or have an unwelcoming dynamic. Our school is very international, which sometimes makes it hard to connect with the parents. She has two friends who are “her people” - quirky, silly, bookish, thoughtful, etc. Unfortunately, they both attend different schools. One lives in DC and is very busy so getting together is hard. I just reached out to an classroom acquaintance to make a play date.

She is in OT for sensory (mainly loud noises, chaos in the classroom, etc) and therapy. She is so far refusing medication, but we’re continuing to discuss it.

FYI she was doing soccer years ago, when her Girl Scout troop signed up and it was another social outlet. Turns out she’s not a group sports person, so the reasons she quit soccer are many. I guess I need to find another art class and maybe something at the library or with books? I will also look into Odyssey of the Mind. Thank you for the suggestions and compassionate replies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post. My kid is very similar. I wish there was a safe way here to exchange information so we could get them together.

How old is your daughter, and are you in MOCO?