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[Anonymous]

Could you do some of these activities with her? Go with her to the senior center, go to some book readings or the local theater. Maybe eventually she will find a friend or do these things on her own.

[Anonymous]

She probably has more memory issues than you realize. At home with you she can mask.
I think you are at the point where you can't think of your Mom as an adult. Think of her as a child. If your child was depressed and sitting at home, how would you handle it?
You might have to force her to go to a senior center. I would threaten to put her in a nursing home if she doesn't go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, it was a mistake to move her in. You need to reconsider the long term plan here.

In the meantime, you need to hire a “housekeeper” that is kind and chatty.

I'd be careful about the "housekeeper" hire -- I wouldn't be surprised if OP's mother decided she needed to supervise the housekeeper and had a lot of opinions about whether her work was up to scratch.

Maybe a "personal chef" who prepares meals with the understanding that you're less interested in the meals than in your mother having someone to chat with? Especially if they're meals that just need to be set in the oven, and at the end of the day you can do that and tell your mother you're going for a walk -- does she want to come? Either she goes with you and gets to chat with neighbors, or you get some down time at the end of your work day.

[Anonymous]

There is a lot of magical thinking here. If you hire a housekeeper to entertain mom, you need to pay her for the lost time cleaning other houses. If you hire a chef you need to do the same. You cannot exploit people's kindness.

Going to a community center with her to help her make a friend isn't going to solve your problems. A higher functioning elderly person is not looking for a friend with more needs. If you find someone with similar needs, they will both need some supervision and in time the needs will grow. If your mom declines faster, the friend may dump her.

Elderly with many friends they had for decades often find if they decline faster than their friends, the friends fade off. Sometimes it's too heartbreaking for the friends to see, sometimes they have their own medical issues, and sometimes it was just a superficial friendship.

You need to think long term about what is best for her and what is best for your family you created. Don't count on a housekeeper/chef/new friend to suddenly make it much easier. Maybe it will help for a week or a month, but not for long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She probably has more memory issues than you realize. At home with you she can mask.
I think you are at the point where you can't think of your Mom as an adult. Think of her as a child. If your child was depressed and sitting at home, how would you handle it?
You might have to force her to go to a senior center. I would threaten to put her in a nursing home if she doesn't go.

I just posted, but don't threaten a nursing home. Their are lovely nursing homes. Don't make it a punishment if she doesn't do something. She isn't even at the nursing home level. She is at the assisted living level or possibly independent with help. They are social settings often with far fewer downsides than sitting at home in front of TV all day.

[Anonymous]

There not their sorry

[Anonymous]

I guess I would give the opposite advice from everyone here and say can you lean into being there for her as much as possible over the next few months? There is something to be said for being there for someone who needs it and you may find it to be meaningful. Also your mom may blossom from the attention you give her and that may spur her to do more independently. It’s a little counter intuitive but rather than fighting being the center of her world try giving into it for a little bit and see how she does. She’s not going to be around forever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I would give the opposite advice from everyone here and say can you lean into being there for her as much as possible over the next few months? There is something to be said for being there for someone who needs it and you may find it to be meaningful. Also your mom may blossom from the attention you give her and that may spur her to do more independently. It’s a little counter intuitive but rather than fighting being the center of her world try giving into it for a little bit and see how she does. She’s not going to be around forever

OP works. Are you suggesting she stop working and lean in? Are you implying she doesn't do enough for her mother already? Are you saying it's totally fine for OP to be her mother's life and for her mother to not have other outlets and friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of magical thinking here. If you hire a housekeeper to entertain mom, you need to pay her for the lost time cleaning other houses. If you hire a chef you need to do the same. You cannot exploit people's kindness.

Going to a community center with her to help her make a friend isn't going to solve your problems. A higher functioning elderly person is not looking for a friend with more needs. If you find someone with similar needs, they will both need some supervision and in time the needs will grow. If your mom declines faster, the friend may dump her.

Elderly with many friends they had for decades often find if they decline faster than their friends, the friends fade off. Sometimes it's too heartbreaking for the friends to see, sometimes they have their own medical issues, and sometimes it was just a superficial friendship.

You need to think long term about what is best for her and what is best for your family you created. Don't count on a housekeeper/chef/new friend to suddenly make it much easier. Maybe it will help for a week or a month, but not for long term.

So what is your actual advice to OP. You’ve just listed problems with other people’s advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I would give the opposite advice from everyone here and say can you lean into being there for her as much as possible over the next few months? There is something to be said for being there for someone who needs it and you may find it to be meaningful. Also your mom may blossom from the attention you give her and that may spur her to do more independently. It’s a little counter intuitive but rather than fighting being the center of her world try giving into it for a little bit and see how she does. She’s not going to be around forever

If OP’s mom was in the end stages, I’d agree. But a “few months”? And then what?

[Anonymous]

My widower Dad moved in with me and my family for several months but it was hard on everyone. He became dependent on us for all of his entertainment and social life. He agreed to tour senior communities nearby (not nursing home level) and decided to move to a studio apartment. It was best for everyone. It freed up some of my time to focus on my kids who were still at home, and my Dad made some friends and regained his personal space and independence. It’s not cheap, but it was best for the whole family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of magical thinking here. If you hire a housekeeper to entertain mom, you need to pay her for the lost time cleaning other houses. If you hire a chef you need to do the same. You cannot exploit people's kindness.

Going to a community center with her to help her make a friend isn't going to solve your problems. A higher functioning elderly person is not looking for a friend with more needs. If you find someone with similar needs, they will both need some supervision and in time the needs will grow. If your mom declines faster, the friend may dump her.

Elderly with many friends they had for decades often find if they decline faster than their friends, the friends fade off. Sometimes it's too heartbreaking for the friends to see, sometimes they have their own medical issues, and sometimes it was just a superficial friendship.

You need to think long term about what is best for her and what is best for your family you created. Don't count on a housekeeper/chef/new friend to suddenly make it much easier. Maybe it will help for a week or a month, but not for long term.

So what is your actual advice to OP. You’ve just listed problems with other people’s advice.

AL. There is a built in social life, meals and entertainment. You visit to make sure all is well and enjoy the time.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you can volunteer together? Like, tell her you want to start volunteering, and you signed her up to do it with you. That way technically she's doing what she wants - you being her companion - but will also meet more people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I would give the opposite advice from everyone here and say can you lean into being there for her as much as possible over the next few months? There is something to be said for being there for someone who needs it and you may find it to be meaningful. Also your mom may blossom from the attention you give her and that may spur her to do more independently. It’s a little counter intuitive but rather than fighting being the center of her world try giving into it for a little bit and see how she does. She’s not going to be around forever

Strongly disagree- there’s no reason to believe it’s just a few months…could just as easily be years or even a decade or more. The more entrenched someone becomes in a routine (ie staying at home and relying solely on op for social companionship)the harder it typically is to break the cycle. OP needs to act now.

[Anonymous]

If she is handling her activities of daily living on her own, what you need is companion care.

If she’s sensitive to “senior activities,” start by having the aide take her for errands. Getting her hair done. Getting groceries for the household. Stuff like that.