Am Parent’s Entire Social Network

[Anonymous]

We brought my elderly parent to live with us. The one thing that is most difficult is that she has zero interest in doing anything social so she can interact with someone except me and my DH. She won’t go to a senior center, or take a glass, hear a book reading, nothing. On one hand I get it. She is depressed about moving here and leaving her home. She does has some memory issues but not enough right now where someone other than family could tell. But I think only interacting with us is making her more depressed even though she says she does not have any desire to do anything with anyone else.

It is really starting to weigh on me. It is a lot of pressure to be her only social network member in town. She does have some cousins left but they are far away and most everyone else around her age is gone. I have no siblings. We have no children so there are not grandkids to entertain her.

I am an introvert and it just gets to be too much. I just wish I could think of something. It’s not like she was super social before but there were people in her building she would chat with when passing them in the hall or at the mailboxes. And that was enough for her. But I feel smothered.

I can’t force her to take part in group activities outside the home. She can’t go anywhere herself because of her memory and such.

I don’t know what to do - she has no hobbies that keep her busy and I have tried to think of something to engage her but all my ideas are shut down.

She isn’t interested in taking depression medication. She just wants to be left alone (except for me). I was going to hire a companion a few times a week to give me a break, but she says she doesn’t want a babysitter. I could get one anyhow, but then I think it is kind of weird to literally pay someone to sit there with my mom in my own house.

Has anyone else successfully dealt with a similar situation?

[Anonymous]

Do you work either in or out of the house, OP? If yes, and even if no, a caregiver could be beneficial to your mom and a break for you.

I was told that socializing could slow down memory loss. My mom was similar and we insisted on classes or activities at least weekly at a senior center.

Could she be encouraged to join a faith community? My mom's church has ladies who will visit or that do social activities.

[Anonymous]

If it's not a safety concern - at least be less available to her. Save yourself!

Have her get use to you being gone, consistently, for the same time every day, for half the day.

[Anonymous]

pp again. Too much togetherness is not good for anyone.
Not good for the relationship. Or the individual. Healthy or not. Elder or not.

[Anonymous]

pp again. Btw, she doesn't get to decide. She doesn't get to decide when you'll be gone. And again, if it's a safety concern for her to be left anyone, she doesn't get to decide that someone other than you needs to stay with her.

[Anonymous]

I work remotely. Our family has never been religious or belonged to a church but I sure wish we had now because it would have been a great resource!

She sits and watches TV while I am nearby in my office, anytime I walk out she wants to chat and I feel awful because I know she is lonely. She says she is fine watching TV and why would we pay someone to watch with her. After work she wants to talk and talk and I really do get it, it is just sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and it’s a lot. She will call her cousins once a week, there is that. I saw online some virtual stuff I thought she would be interest in, things she could participate in but she said no to that too. She can’t just be watch TV and talk to me and have that be everything.

[Anonymous]

Hire someone, don't give her a choice. tell her the person needs volunteer hours for college credit. Or hire a "cleaning lady" who gets it and is very friendly. She will get used to it.

[Anonymous]

There are senior day programs with a van to pick you up. Tell her it's temporary and you need her out of the house to do some noisy repairs. They they are fumigating for some bug problem only in parts of the home she doesn't see. Whatever. They are therapeutic lies to force her out of the house and into a social program. It's not a choice. She has to go. It's your home and you need her out of the house. Work with the person in charge to help ease her into liking the social program. Maybe they can match her with potential friends. Again-not a choice. You give toddlers choices, but this is a stubborn adult living under your roof. No choice. Stay calm, but firm.

[Anonymous]

She’s probably similar to you. You call yourself an introvert, so she might be one also.

[Anonymous]

Toward the end of my mom's life (at 90) we paid someone to sit with her from 8-4 when no family member was available. She often sat there and watched my mom sleep, although she probably read or something. She fixed mom lunch. She helped her walk to the bathroom.

Best of all though, she was happy to listen to all mom's stories from the past that all of us had already heard many times. They had nice chats that they both enjoyed. My mom loved her.

If mom had been able to be more active they could have taken walks, played cards, watched TV together. I highly recommend you get someone to come in and do this with your mom at least a few days a week or a few hours a day. As time goes on your sanity may depend on it.

Tell your mom it's not a babysitter, it's a companion and it's a chance for you to run errands, visit your friends, etc.

[Anonymous]

Tell her that the doctor insists on it, or that it's a requirement of her health insurance. Whatever. She'll be better off with more social interaction and you don't have to give her a choice. It's your house.

[Anonymous]

A few months before he passed away, we set our father up with a Facebook account and got him a Meta portal. It ended up reconnecting him with several friends and was quite intuitive to use. We programmed in “favorites” so he could say “Call Johnny”, and instantly do video calls. We also set him up in a room with a nice TV and comfy couch. Other family members would stop by and watch sports or movies with him and by default they’d end up having lots of good talks.

[Anonymous]

This right here is why I won’t move close to my kids if they ever ask me to. I’m 50 and my kids are already badgering about how I spend my earned time as if I was a child that needs to be managed. You should have left your mother where she was to live her life as she pleases. You brought her to your home and now resentful. Your resentment is probably stressing her out and contributing to her depression. Let her be or send her back to the familiar environment she left to come live with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This right here is why I won’t move close to my kids if they ever ask me to. I’m 50 and my kids are already badgering about how I spend my earned time as if I was a child that needs to be managed. You should have left your mother where she was to live her life as she pleases. You brought her to your home and now resentful. Your resentment is probably stressing her out and contributing to her depression. Let her be or send her back to the familiar environment she left to come live with you.

Op said the mother has memory issues. She probably cannot live on her own and was in an unsafe situation. That said, it's an important story for those to read who believe it's somehow more humane to move them into your home or set up aging in place outside your home. Their brains need to stimulation of having to socialize with peers. At an AL or Memory care there are activities and food provided and so much more. Mo may still be unhappy, but you can go visit, show love, not feel resentment and then return to your life and job with a little more peace. Only an infant should make someone their world. OP didn't mention if she has kids, but while it's lovely for kids to see grandma, sometimes grandma's needs can start to interfere with allowing your own kids their stages of development and they can start to feel resentful. If it takes a toll on your marriage everyone suffers.

OP this could go on for many years and it is unlikely it will get easier but highly likely she will become even more needy. You may want to start exploring options. Is your home set up for if she can't do steps? Ate you prepared to one day have caregivers in your home 24-7? You also are going to have to accept you may never make her happy. If your resentment grows it will be harder to be a sweet and loving adult child. If she is in a different setting at least you can be your best self when you visit.

[Anonymous]

First, it was a mistake to move her in. You need to reconsider the long term plan here.

In the meantime, you need to hire a “housekeeper” that is kind and chatty.