How do you deal with dating the first year if college?

[Anonymous]

You don't "handle" your adult child's relationships. You butt out, and if things go south you are supportive and there for them.

If you get involved it will not end well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to interfere, don't interfere. Hopefully your 18yr old has had multiple relationships in high school and can handle their feelings and understanding of a relationship.

You can mention a 6yr age gap is a lot to get through, even if it seems simple right now. Would your freshman date a 12yr old or have anything in common with them?

But overall just say they should be careful and take things slowly.

I dated a 30 year old when I was 18. He was emotionally immature, and I ended it a few months later so I could date guys my own age. I've still always dated men who are 3-10 years older, though. My point is, the age gap is nbd.

[Anonymous]

If he's male, either talk to him about prep or have him talk to his doctor about it.

[Anonymous]

There is a lot of space between being totally detached/hands off and trying to dictate who your adult child can date.

OP, I recommend you do everything you can to make sure your kid feels comfortable talking to you. Don't push, but show interest. Ask questions, rather than give advice. Focus less on the person and more on how your child's overall life is going. Let them make the connections themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to interfere, don't interfere. Hopefully your 18yr old has had multiple relationships in high school and can handle their feelings and understanding of a relationship.

You can mention a 6yr age gap is a lot to get through, even if it seems simple right now. Would your freshman date a 12yr old or have anything in common with them?

But overall just say they should be careful and take things slowly.

I dated a 30 year old when I was 18. He was emotionally immature, and I ended it a few months later so I could date guys my own age. I've still always dated men who are 3-10 years older, though. My point is, the age gap is nbd.

Daddy issues?

[Anonymous]

Just ask questions. Are you two romantically involved. Exclusive? Why or why not? What makes this relationship great for you? . Then Get your concerns out there for her consideration in a nonjudgmental way by using I statements and asking her opinion. When I was in college, I found. . . Do you think things have changed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just ask questions. Are you two romantically involved. Exclusive? Why or why not? What makes this relationship great for you? . Then Get your concerns out there for her consideration in a nonjudgmental way by using I statements and asking her opinion. When I was in college, I found. . . Do you think things have changed?

Op here. Thank you for this. I feel like my son has been pretty open with me and I don't want to ruin that. I also realize I don't have any real control over what he does, but I have my concerns.
He has been somewhat vague about how they met and what he does and as I have said I'm not even 100% sure if they are dating.
At the end of the day I want him to be safe and happy and not do anything to jeopardize his future.
And maybe it's no big deal and this guy is great. I don't know.
But I like this approach

[Anonymous]

Could you maybe take your child to a therapist to discuss the issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you maybe take your child to a therapist to discuss the issue?

Why would you take your adult child to therapy to discuss who they may or may not be dating? Who would want to go to therapy with their parent to discuss this? You sound like the parent of very young children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just ask questions. Are you two romantically involved. Exclusive? Why or why not? What makes this relationship great for you? . Then Get your concerns out there for her consideration in a nonjudgmental way by using I statements and asking her opinion. When I was in college, I found. . . Do you think things have changed?

Who wouldn’t love 20 questions about your life from mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ask questions. Are you two romantically involved. Exclusive? Why or why not? What makes this relationship great for you? . Then Get your concerns out there for her consideration in a nonjudgmental way by using I statements and asking her opinion. When I was in college, I found. . . Do you think things have changed?

Who wouldn’t love 20 questions about your life from mom?

Do you have any advice for Op?

[Anonymous]

Fwiw when I was 20 I started dating a 29 year old. We dated for 3 years and at the end I realized I had idealized him because of his older age, and learned the hard way what loving myself really looked like. At the end of the relationship a mentor of mine said… “with men you can either marry someone older then you and do things his way, or marry someone your age and make a life together”. I get there are exceptions to this generalization but it really hit a chord with me. I ended up marrying a guy a few years later about the same age.

My point is sometimes we have relationships we learn from. I’m not judging those and this message is not for those we dated and married someone older than them and all worked out. Just my 2 cents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's male, either talk to him about prep or have him talk to his doctor about it.

+ 1 Damn decent advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ask questions. Are you two romantically involved. Exclusive? Why or why not? What makes this relationship great for you? . Then Get your concerns out there for her consideration in a nonjudgmental way by using I statements and asking her opinion. When I was in college, I found. . . Do you think things have changed?

Who wouldn’t love 20 questions about your life from mom?

You may get no info, but you might. Part of the challenge I think is that college kids don’t often “date” so it’s hard for them to know the status of their relationship, much less explain it to mom. I was getting a lot of non-answer from my college kid about a new love interest. After months, I asked “are you exclusive?” And got a “yes.” So I know something now. . . They understandably don’t want to give u the play-by- play, but I also find it weird to know there is this person in their life and pretend they don’t exist. So, I’d be direct with a couple of questions and see what u get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ask questions. Are you two romantically involved. Exclusive? Why or why not? What makes this relationship great for you? . Then Get your concerns out there for her consideration in a nonjudgmental way by using I statements and asking her opinion. When I was in college, I found. . . Do you think things have changed?

Op here. Thank you for this. I feel like my son has been pretty open with me and I don't want to ruin that. I also realize I don't have any real control over what he does, but I have my concerns.
He has been somewhat vague about how they met and what he does and as I have said I'm not even 100% sure if they are dating.
At the end of the day I want him to be safe and happy and not do anything to jeopardize his future.
And maybe it's no big deal and this guy is great. I don't know.
But I like this approach

I’m a 45 year old gay man. I’ll give you my 2 cents.

First, I wouldn’t say anything. I do think 18 and 24 is abnormal. I think the 24 year old has issues that he would date someone that much younger. If the relationship lasted I think your son will eventually get dumped when the then 25 year old wants someone younger. Alternatively the 24 year old is very immature and the relationship will likely be ended by your son when your son outgrows him.

But I also think it is learning experience for your son. I don’t think he is in danger in any way and I think he is mature enough to handle it at 18. It will be a good lesson for him.

Your son is vague on how they met because they met on an app, probably a hook up app. You don’t want those details and he isn’t volunteering them.

Let this putter out. You can comment on it when he is 30.

As for the random poster regarding prep. I’m sure he is in it already (maybe has been for years). This does not need to be said to a gay 18 year old by their parent. It will just come across as out of touch.