S/O to well mannered kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who takes children to Starbucks?

There are non-caffeinated drinks that my son likes at coffee places. They tend to have tasty snacks and some have decent panini's and the like. I used to walk to the neighborhood with DS when he was a toddler. It was about a mile away, I could push him in the stroller. When we got there we would split a blueberry oatmeal. He would have his milk and I would have a nice coffee. Then we would walk home. I liked getting out, he enjoyed the walk, and the food options were not bad. We would go to Starbucks for a cake pop after haircuts. DS would get a kids latte, steamed milk with a pump of flavor.

OP: I suppose a lot of it depends on how the girl asked and her tone. Was she polite? Did she say please when she asked to change the drink? My issue with Starbucks drinks is that they could get to be stupid expensive and very caloric. I guess if I was taking kids someplace and stopping at a place like Starbucks, I would look at the cost of what you are willing to pay (what was the cost of the hot cocoa?) and set that as a ceiling. As for the croissant, if you said yes and she has a preference for how they are heated/toasted then who cares? I like my bagel double toasted at places like that because normally they warm them up but they are not actually toasted. the second pass through toasts the bagel.

A lot of it for me is the ton that is used and the words that are used. There is nothing wrong with asking for something different if it is done in a polite manner.

[Anonymous]

I don't think what the kids did was rude but I also think there are some social intricacies here that (1) it's unreasonable to expect kids this age to get, and also (2) as an adult you have an opportunity to help teach/model.

I like to think "what is the ideal way to handle this situation for adults?" If I were offering to buy a drink for a friend or colleague, I'd have no issue at all if they politely requested an alternative drink that was also available from wherever I was ordering -- I'm not going to tell a friend "No, my offer was for coffee only, I refuse to buy you tea." I think it's rude to restrict an offered treat that way. On the other hand, I also think it's rude if someone offers to buy you something and you try to switch it to something much more expensive or add a bunch of add ons that will make it much pricier. Like if I offered to buy a friend a coffee and then they were like "could you also buy me a sandwich?" I would find that kind of rude. I also find it rude when I'm buying someone something as a favor and they get super nit-picky about it ("If they don't have oat milk see if they have soy milk and if not that I will do dairy milk but it HAS to be whole milk, otherwise I don't want coffee at all, instead I want...)

So in both these situations, I would have said yes to the requests, but I would also see if there is a way let the kids in on some "behind the scenes" info that would help them with these interactions in the future. You have to do it gently -- don't shame these kids. Like I might say "Of course I'm happy to get you the drink you want Larla, but that's a $10 specialty drink and I was planning to spend about $4 per person, what about one of the following options?" Or "If you are hungry, I'm happy to get you a croissant but we're in a bit of a hurry so how about we just get the croissant warmed instead of double toasted -- it's easiest to keep our order simple when we're a big group like this."

Sometimes people expect children to just know how everything about the world works and of course they don't. We have to teach them. I have less patience for adults who are oblivious to these kinds of social intricacies but then, they also probably never had an adult break this stuff down for them. The point is: if you want people to understand these things, you have to explain them so they learn.

[Anonymous]

OP here. You all seem unanimous so I think maybe it’s a cultural thing. Im from a different country originally where kids wouldn’t do this. DD wouldn’t either but probably because of me. To the PP who said “ who takes kids to Starbucks?” I didn’t take them, hence pre ordering on the app. We did a cold weather outside activity then I thought getting s hot chocolate close by would be nice. It’s all in the same area.

[Anonymous]

Agree with you OP, it is rude. Not terrible, but I would assume the parents over indulge and spoil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You all seem unanimous so I think maybe it’s a cultural thing. Im from a different country originally where kids wouldn’t do this. DD wouldn’t either but probably because of me. To the PP who said “ who takes kids to Starbucks?” I didn’t take them, hence pre ordering on the app. We did a cold weather outside activity then I thought getting s hot chocolate close by would be nice. It’s all in the same area.

It is a UMC with parents that don’t say no thing. My kids wouldn’t do this, but their absolutely have friends that do. I have no problems telling them no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You all seem unanimous so I think maybe it’s a cultural thing. Im from a different country originally where kids wouldn’t do this. DD wouldn’t either but probably because of me. To the PP who said “ who takes kids to Starbucks?” I didn’t take them, hence pre ordering on the app. We did a cold weather outside activity then I thought getting s hot chocolate close by would be nice. It’s all in the same area.

It makes sense that it’s a cultural thing - Americans encourage kids (especially girls) to speak up for themselves more than most other cultures. I wouldn’t find it rude at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who takes children to Starbucks?

There are non-caffeinated drinks that my son likes at coffee places. They tend to have tasty snacks and some have decent panini's and the like. I used to walk to the neighborhood with DS when he was a toddler. It was about a mile away, I could push him in the stroller. When we got there we would split a blueberry oatmeal. He would have his milk and I would have a nice coffee. Then we would walk home. I liked getting out, he enjoyed the walk, and the food options were not bad. We would go to Starbucks for a cake pop after haircuts. DS would get a kids latte, steamed milk with a pump of flavor.

OP: I suppose a lot of it depends on how the girl asked and her tone. Was she polite? Did she say please when she asked to change the drink? My issue with Starbucks drinks is that they could get to be stupid expensive and very caloric. I guess if I was taking kids someplace and stopping at a place like Starbucks, I would look at the cost of what you are willing to pay (what was the cost of the hot cocoa?) and set that as a ceiling. As for the croissant, if you said yes and she has a preference for how they are heated/toasted then who cares? I like my bagel double toasted at places like that because normally they warm them up but they are not actually toasted. the second pass through toasts the bagel.

A lot of it for me is the ton that is used and the words that are used. There is nothing wrong with asking for something different if it is done in a polite manner.

+1 to kids at Starbucks (or another coffee shop, I'm not a Starbucks devotee but there are so many of them and you know what you are getting in advance, which is helpful with kids). That's one of my go-tos for an after school treat or my DD needs a little 1:1 time with me on the weekend. It's a pleasant walk there and back, we can get a pastry or a small snack and I can get something caffeinated while she has a steamed milk or something age-appropriate. There's pretty much always seating available. It's also a really low stakes way to teach your kid how to do things like order at a counter, bus their own table, or other basic skills. As long as you don't go during the morning rush hour, people there are pretty laid back and happy to take an order from an indecisive 7 year old so they can practice speaking up and communicating with a stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You all seem unanimous so I think maybe it’s a cultural thing. Im from a different country originally where kids wouldn’t do this. DD wouldn’t either but probably because of me. To the PP who said “ who takes kids to Starbucks?” I didn’t take them, hence pre ordering on the app. We did a cold weather outside activity then I thought getting s hot chocolate close by would be nice. It’s all in the same area.

It is a UMC with parents that don’t say no thing. My kids wouldn’t do this, but their absolutely have friends that do. I have no problems telling them no.

Then you’re rude. Who only buys hot choc and refuses tea?! How strangely controlling.

[Anonymous]

My kids wouldn't ask for extras / alternatives, but I attribute that more to their lack of assertiveness than being well-mannered. My daughter doesn't care for hot chocolate, so I think it'd be rude for her not to speak up and have someone buy her something that she's going to let go to waste. She wouldn't even politely decline, she'd just go on ahead, get the hot chocolate and let it sit there.

[Anonymous]

I think having good manners like 90 percent of the time is something nearly all kids can achieve. My kid with very severe ADHD will lose their temper and act in a way that I don’t like on occasion still but by mid elementary school using polite words to ask for things, introducing yourself and making polite conversation are just habits. I don’t think consequences are necessaries helpful, we just do what another PP mentioned- if the kids say “I want milk!” You say please ask nicely, you can say may I have milk please “ and wait for them to do it. My older kid is very proud of her nice manners and gets lots of praise from adults and this is incredibly motivating to her. I hope it sticks!

Neither of my kids are push overs- we basically believe you can stand up for yourself in any situation politely. Obviously that is harder to enforce perfectly but I also don’t personally think of that as manners, I guess, more of a social skill that takes time to develop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think having good manners like 90 percent of the time is something nearly all kids can achieve. My kid with very severe ADHD will lose their temper and act in a way that I don’t like on occasion still but by mid elementary school using polite words to ask for things, introducing yourself and making polite conversation are just habits. I don’t think consequences are necessaries helpful, we just do what another PP mentioned- if the kids say “I want milk!” You say please ask nicely, you can say may I have milk please “ and wait for them to do it. My older kid is very proud of her nice manners and gets lots of praise from adults and this is incredibly motivating to her. I hope it sticks!

Neither of my kids are push overs- we basically believe you can stand up for yourself in any situation politely. Obviously that is harder to enforce perfectly but I also don’t personally think of that as manners, I guess, more of a social skill that takes time to develop.

Oh sorry, I think I replied in the wrong thread. Well I think this mostly applies. I would be ok with my child asking for an alternative (actually one of my children can’t have that much chocolate because of a digestive issue!) but I would expect them to ask politely and also accept no for an answer with out arguing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You all seem unanimous so I think maybe it’s a cultural thing. Im from a different country originally where kids wouldn’t do this. DD wouldn’t either but probably because of me. To the PP who said “ who takes kids to Starbucks?” I didn’t take them, hence pre ordering on the app. We did a cold weather outside activity then I thought getting s hot chocolate close by would be nice. It’s all in the same area.

You were even more rude if you were pre ordering on the app! Why does it matter to you if they prefer tea to hot chocolate? It’s a different click on the app.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You all seem unanimous so I think maybe it’s a cultural thing. Im from a different country originally where kids wouldn’t do this. DD wouldn’t either but probably because of me. To the PP who said “ who takes kids to Starbucks?” I didn’t take them, hence pre ordering on the app. We did a cold weather outside activity then I thought getting s hot chocolate close by would be nice. It’s all in the same area.

It is a UMC with parents that don’t say no thing. My kids wouldn’t do this, but their absolutely have friends that do. I have no problems telling them no.

Then you’re rude. Who only buys hot choc and refuses tea?! How strangely controlling.

It’s rude to say you don’t want hot chocolate, but buy me a latte instead, at 10, or however old these kids are. If a parent asks if you want hot chocolate, it is a yes or no question. If one of the children says no, the polite adult would then ask if there was something else they would like instead. But to presume you can get a latte instead is rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You all seem unanimous so I think maybe it’s a cultural thing. Im from a different country originally where kids wouldn’t do this. DD wouldn’t either but probably because of me. To the PP who said “ who takes kids to Starbucks?” I didn’t take them, hence pre ordering on the app. We did a cold weather outside activity then I thought getting s hot chocolate close by would be nice. It’s all in the same area.

It is a UMC with parents that don’t say no thing. My kids wouldn’t do this, but their absolutely have friends that do. I have no problems telling them no.

Then you’re rude. Who only buys hot choc and refuses tea?! How strangely controlling.

It’s rude to say you don’t want hot chocolate, but buy me a latte instead, at 10, or however old these kids are. If a parent asks if you want hot chocolate, it is a yes or no question. If one of the children says no, the polite adult would then ask if there was something else they would like instead. But to presume you can get a latte instead is rude.

The kids didn’t say “buy me a latte instead.” They asked for a substitution. That’s not rude.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s an exposure issue. My kids would probably do something like that because they aren’t used to that situation/type of offer. If something like that happened, then when they told me about it, I’d suggest to them that next time they should just politely take what’s offered, or politely decline.