I want my 16mo old to just fight back…

[Anonymous]

I never had twins but I had a friend with a set of girl twins with this same dynamic! The mom was so embarassed. But bossy twin grew out of it around preschool age-I knew them from church and soon as the twins went to the preschool class, the bigger kids set bossy twin straight LOL.

Bossy twin is now a well mannered 4th grader who is close to non bossy twin, who is also a happy well mannered kid.

[Anonymous]

You need to separate them and take responsibility. It’s not one toddlers job to be nice to the other or is it one toddler‘s job to stick up for the other. You are on notice that this is happening and you need to stop it before it does. I would suggest a baby gate and each girl gets half of the space. You can move between the gates and when you were really on top of your game you can all be together three of you but you have to be 100% ready to block Beatrice before she gets Amelia. I’m sure she will grow out of it naturally so you don’t need to worry about how to tell her it’s wrong but you do need to stop letting your one child hurt the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you allowing Twin B to relentlessly attack Twin A? Take her away and redirect her every time she goes for Twin A.

I am not allowing it. Yes, we are redirecting and I am removing Twin B but it’s at the point where they cannot be physically near each other at all. I am a SAHM and cannot 24/7 keep them apart while doing what I need to do. This is why Twin A is almost always being held which I feel like impedes her.

I spent the entire day physically separating them because it’s so excessive. I’m not just watching this happen.

No, you don’t always hold Twin A. You’re teaching her that she is the problem. Twin B gets removed from the play area. You need a playpen for her to go into when you can’t be there to redirect her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can someone with basic reading comprehension skills please answer as well?

Oh we can read. You post says you can’t manage two kids at once.

[Anonymous]

You immediately hold child's jaw, look em dead in the eyes and say sternly NO BITING!

[Anonymous]

For context, I have a 20 month old who has a similar personality to B and she’s often in a playgroup of very docile, calm, sweet kids. I’ve been mortified as she hits and occasionally bites when toys have to be shared.

This peaked around 17 months and has markedly improved since then. We are very consistent with her and physically remove her, say no bite or no hit very firmly, and we got the teeth are not for biting book. That seemed to make a big impact. Biting was eradicated very quickly.

She started outgrowing the behavior before I had to buy the hands are not for hitting book because she became very verbal and was able to start asking for things in full sentences like ‘I want to hold that’ or ‘I want to have that’ or ‘I want you to share’. I suspect that their personalities ARE innate and there’s going to be a strong proclivity towards outspoken behavior for both your B and my daughter, but this stuff will at least buy you time and help you feel proactive during the violent phase if nothing else. I think it’s a normal developmental phase and will pass.

I know how upsetting it’s been for me when my daughter acts this way, so I know it must be really tough for you as your own children are both the aggressor and the recipient. This too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

You say your not open to it but I would bite her so fing hard . No one would treat my child like that including the other child .

[Anonymous]

Don't pick up Twin A when twin B is causing problems. Immediately remove twin B into a crib or playpen with no toys or anything stimulating. It will show twin A you care about her safety and show twin B her behavior is unexceptable.

Side note-if it continues after you do the above consistently over a period of time, you might want to look into OT for Twin B who may need to learn from a professional productive ways to get rid of her excess energy.

[Anonymous]

I have twin daughters that had that same dynamic when they were one. I took the tack of when one baby opened her mouth to bite, I would say "no" very sternly and move her away about 5 feet and turn away from the biter. If I wasn't on the floor watching to intervene before the actual bite, they were separated (in cribs, high chairs, jumperoos, etc.). A week or so of this made a massive difference. My biter even once leaned towards her sister with her mouth open and then said "no" and scooted back all on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say your not open to it but I would bite her so fing hard . No one would treat my child like that including the other child .

….but it’s OK to bite Twin B?!

[Anonymous]

OP I agree with a couple of posters above. You need to remove Twin B not Twin A and you need separate play spaces. I would also seek out more sensory toys for Twin B. They may just need different types of play. A door swing, climbing, slides - Twin B may need push and pull work while Twin A does blocks. You need to meet each twin where they are and it will likely take up your whole house but it can also be simple things like have her push a laundry basket with laundry up and down the hallway. Have her pull it with a rope (supervised). Get her a shopping cart to push outside. Have her help with chores. Get one of those jumparoos (expensive but you could find one secondhand and kids like them until age 10). Balance board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, during the holidays we had a cousin over who has a 18-month-old who is around the same size as my girls. He was playing nicely and Beatrice went up to do what she does to Amelia and she grabbed his toy and he turned spring and pushed her hard. She sat there stunned. Cried and avoided him for awhile. Cousin and apologized and thought, “Good! She gets a chance to see how it feels to be on the receiving end!” There was another time when another family member was watching all three when apparently Beatrice went up and bit the 18-month-old and he bit her back. So hard it left a mark (but didn’t break skin). Two more days with him and she never ever messed with him again.

Now I’m just wanting Amelia to do the same. Like, push her back! Bite her! Don’t let her bully you? And I can’t even believe I’m thinking these things? What kind of mother am I? One that’s totally desperate and loves and adores bother her twins but can’t let this go on anymore. I’m afraid this is going to be their entire dynamic for life.

I don't have twins so take my advice FWIW. It might be a long time before Amelia is "able" to hit back. Amelia will not be consistent. Sometimes, she will let things slide, other times, she'll overreact and hurt Beatrice badly, and other times, she'll lash out randomly, (because actually, that's what she learned from Beatrice). Beatrice will not learn her lesson. Kids don't learn lessons from their siblings, they learn them from friends.

Separate them.

[Anonymous]

This is interesting. You have theorized, and then personally observed instances where a moderately painful, corporal consequence to Beatrice immediately produced the desired effect. You wish that Amelia would provide this response to Beatrice because you have firsthand seen it work with the cousin.

Why are you so unwilling to simply provide it yourself?

[Anonymous]

I would have a playpen for timeouts for Beatrice. She will eventually learn but you have to be consistent. It will take a long time to extinguish this behavior. And, she will eventually mature and learn as she gets older. A 3 yo is light years ahead of a toddler. Just because Beatrice acts like this now doesn’t meet she always will. But for now you need to focus on protecting Amelia.

[Anonymous]

One good spanking If any kid physically injures the other, the consequence is a good whooping to the kid who injured the other.

Do it once, sibling rivalry problems forever solved.