I want my 16mo old to just fight back…

[Anonymous]

and hit or bite her twin sister just one time and I bet she’d stop.

I have 16mo-old identical twin girls with totally different personalities. Twin A (let’s call her Amelia) is very delicate, needy, sweet, affectionate and prefers playing quietly by herself if her sister isn’t around to terrorize her. She’ll play with stuffed animals, read books, listen to music and dance, stack blocks etc. Twin B (she’ll be Beatrice) is loud, energetic, boisterous and very right. She likes hard physical play. Climbing, sliding, running into furniture, climbing on furniture, throwing etc. Both Amelia and Beatrice are about the same size. Amelia is slightly taller but Beatrice probably weighs a bit more.

They’ve always had this stark personality difference but around maybe 10 or 11 months once both were really moving Beatrice started to non-stop bother her sister. Pushing, biting, hitting, taking toys… just never ever leaving her alone. If Amelia had a toy, Beatrice is going to go and take it. Amelia will be playing quietly and Beatrice just has to come and disrupt and hit or pretend to hug and then bite. It’s gotten so bad that Amelia is practically scared to death of Beatrice and is clinging on to me all day because she feels safe. We decided to hire a PT Mother’s Helper (HS Girl) to come in for a few hours in the afternoon after nap so we can play with the girls on different floors. I am a SAHM and know a lot of this stems from jealousy so I figured this way each twin gets solo time with me or another adult they enjoy. It’s great in that Amelia gets a chance to play on the ground without being disrupted, kicked, hit or bit but as soon as they are together again it starts.

I’ve tried several approaches. Redirection, positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement (nothing crazy, they’re one). The pediatrician said they don’t understand time outs at this point but I tried out of desperation and it just makes Beatrice angry and more aggressive.

The only way to stop it is to physically separate them. Or if it’s just me I end up holding Amelia almost all day because she’s scared to get down and play. It breaks my heart! I’ve consulted several people (pediatrician, friends who have kids, who have twins etc) who say it’s all normal. It’s just gotten worse and worse and it does feel excessive.

Well, during the holidays we had a cousin over who has a 18-month-old who is around the same size as my girls. He was playing nicely and Beatrice went up to do what she does to Amelia and she grabbed his toy and he turned spring and pushed her hard. She sat there stunned. Cried and avoided him for awhile. Cousin and apologized and thought, “Good! She gets a chance to see how it feels to be on the receiving end!” There was another time when another family member was watching all three when apparently Beatrice went up and bit the 18-month-old and he bit her back. So hard it left a mark (but didn’t break skin). Two more days with him and she never ever messed with him again.

Now I’m just wanting Amelia to do the same. Like, push her back! Bite her! Don’t let her bully you? And I can’t even believe I’m thinking these things? What kind of mother am I? One that’s totally desperate and loves and adores bother her twins but can’t let this go on anymore. I’m afraid this is going to be their entire dynamic for life.

Any other suggestions? I am open to essentially anything aside from biting/spanking/physically disciplining my kid.

[Anonymous]

Why are you allowing Twin B to relentlessly attack Twin A? Take her away and redirect her every time she goes for Twin A.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you allowing Twin B to relentlessly attack Twin A? Take her away and redirect her every time she goes for Twin A.

I am not allowing it. Yes, we are redirecting and I am removing Twin B but it’s at the point where they cannot be physically near each other at all. I am a SAHM and cannot 24/7 keep them apart while doing what I need to do. This is why Twin A is almost always being held which I feel like impedes her.

I spent the entire day physically separating them because it’s so excessive. I’m not just watching this happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you allowing Twin B to relentlessly attack Twin A? Take her away and redirect her every time she goes for Twin A.

This, you are the parent. Act like one. Redirect and if that doesn't work time out and separate. You are raising a mean bully.

[Anonymous]

Can someone with basic reading comprehension skills please answer as well?

[Anonymous]

Can you add more sensory activities and proprioceptive feedback for twin B? Examples: mini trampoline, swinging, rolling in a blanket like a burrito, yoga ball activities, somewhat heavy items to push (put some toys in a laundry basket), squishy items, items that are okay to bite and chew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you allowing Twin B to relentlessly attack Twin A? Take her away and redirect her every time she goes for Twin A.

This, you are the parent. Act like one. Redirect and if that doesn't work time out and separate. You are raising a mean bully.

wow - the kid is one. get some perspective.

[Anonymous]

They are 16 months. A lot of facets of their personalities are appearing but within a month they could change drastically as well.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately it means keeping B out of arm’s reach of A unless you are right there to intercept the roughness of her interactions. You need to be right there to physically block it from happening while firmly correcting verbally. You likely have another 4 months of this happening before improvement starts.

[Anonymous]

Separate playpen areas for each.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Separate playpen areas for each.

This seems like the ideal solution

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are 16 months. A lot of facets of their personalities are appearing but within a month they could change drastically as well.

+1. My son had the terrible ones (not terrible 2s). I don't know what was going on but I stayed consistent and he grew out of it.

Stick with it. Wear her out. Run. Set up the couch cushions as an obstacle course. Sign up for tumbling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Separate playpen areas for each.

+1

Or put up a gate or some barrier in the same room so you can supervise but they are physically separated.

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. My older son’s first action on walking at 8 months was to stride over and bite his older sister. When they were in elementary school, he would sometimes hit her, and she would just sit there and cry. We disciplined him promptly, but I eventually told her she was free to physically retaliate, scream at him, or do whatever necessary to make it clear she wouldn’t stand for it. She eventually did, and he eventually learned to behave. Your kids are too young, but you have to make sure your passive kid is protected and doesn’t let herself be a victim.

[Anonymous]

Oof - my 4 year old is like this with my 1 year old! I can’t imagine being a SAHM with twins going through this. I think play pens is your best bet. Twin B May hate it at first but, they should adjust.