When I was little

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No but parents aren't perfect. Do you have kids of your own? Having my own kids has made me forgive my parents for so much.

When my 3rd was born she was so deliciously chubby. Her thighs were amazing. Out of love someone said she was "chonky" and so the older kids called her "chonks" for a year. She's 18 months and dh and I just nipped it in the bud. No one means anything cruel by the name, but yeah- referring to someone's weight isn't nice. But I can see how nicknames start and it's hard to end them. I still adore her rolls even though she's likely going to be a string bean like my older kids.

People often come into threads like this to say this. But you need to understand this is not a universal experience. When I had kids of my own, I finally admitted to myself how much of my parent's behavior was abusive and wrong. Like for years I sort of wrote it off as "well that's how parents were back then" or "they were young and didn't know" or "they did their best." Then I had my own kids and realized what it means for a parent to hit, berate, make fun of, and refuse to support their child. And that's when I allowed myself to actually feel the hurt of what my parents did, because I could see from my own experience that even an imperfect parent (and I am an imperfect parent) can understand that you should not hurt or ridicule your own children.

Your example about your fat baby isn't the same. Joking about a cute, chunky baby is very different than telling a teenage girl that her nose is big and ugly, or repeatedly criticizing your child over their intelligence or weight. What OP is talking about is abuse and you are (perhaps unknowingly, because my sense is that you have not experienced it) trying to normalize it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom would openly mock me when I asked a question that she deemed too stupid to answer, which was most of the time. A very common refrain was: how come you're asking such a dumb question? So by the time I was teen I had stopped asking questions, about anything.

Ironically she was also extremely generous with her time and labor. Her love language was acts of service and she did it outstandingly all her life.

She was a riddle to me for 40 plus years. She was certainly kind hearted, but also emotionally cruel.

I have a very similar mom. Selfless to the point of martyrdom, but also incredibly cruel, sarcastic, and mocking towards her children. The PP who said it's the result of her own screwed up childhood is right -- my grandparents divorced when my mom was young and she lived with her mom, who was an alcoholic and had mental health issues. The circumstances of my grandmother's death when my mom was 19 are mysterious, but I think she either committed suicide or drank herself to death or had some kind of accident due to her drinking. It's possible no one knows for sure.

Anyway, it's very hard to grow up with a mom like this because the hurtful behavior is always tempered by the selfless acts. I grew up feeling guilty all the time because I didn't really like my mom, but everyone kept telling me what a great mom she was. As an adult, I've gone to therapy to deal with it and it's hard. I resent her and I feel empathy for her. I think she was dealt a pretty bad hand but I also wish she'd spent some time working on recovering from her trauma before having children because my childhood was screwed up and it screwed me up. But I also understand that she didn't see that as an option.

Generational trauma sucks. There's not really anyone to blame but you have to find a way to process it without internalizing it and blaming yourself. It's also hard because sometimes I just feel like "ugh, my family is so messed up we should just end the family line." But I did have a kid and I am breaking the chain. It just takes work. Every day, it takes work. But it's healing, too. Every day that I find a way to overcome my family legacy to provide my child with a normal, safe, loving home, I feel a little less burdened by the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents
1) used to (and sometimes still do) point out that my nose is big and make fun of my nose
2) used to call me a silly name that I did not like, and made it clear that I did not like (mostly when I was under 10). They used this name for years. When I've complained about it they downplayed it and said they did it out of love and affection to bring me out of my bad mood.
3) my mom never fails to mention my weight in a sideways manner - I'm a normal weight, not overweight, but I'm not skinny like she is. She always comments when I'm thinner about how good I look ... or will comment on other people's bodies.


I'm just realizing now how insesitive and mean this was. Am I right? Those things aren't nice, are they? Normal? Does your mom r dad do this to you?

Not nice and not normal.
My brother does something like this to my niece. He keeps making fun of her and never praises anything she does, only tells her that she needs to keep doing better. And then he complains that his daughter doesn’t like him. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, these things are unkind and absolutely had a negative impact on you. It's interesting how sometimes it takes us years to realize these things though. You just normalize because you were a child when it started so it can take time and exposure to lots of other people, or maybe even having your own kids, for it to finally dawn on you that your parents' behavior was dysfunctional, even abusive.

I have this story about an incident that happened with I was about 4 years old that resulted in a doctor's visit, that for years my family told as a joke about me. The joke was supposed to be that I was a liar, or alternatively that I was manipulative. For years I internalized that as a story about what a bad kid I was, and how patient my parents were.

It finally dawned on me like 10 years ago that it's actually a story about an extremely young child who was exhibiting anxiety or some other mental health issue, and instead of getting it treated, my parents downplayed it and rejected medical advice, and then created a story that was told by all family members for decades after about what a bad kid I was. It's a story about parental neglect. I was 4! I wasn't lying or manipulating anyone, I had zero context for what was happening and was being left to my own devices to solve a problem and then when I finally went to my parents asking for help, they made fun of me. It's actually are ally f**ked up story. But I didn't figure that out until I was like 32 and was telling it to someone else and instead of laughing they just had questions and a sort of upset look on their face. And now as a parent I can't believe that was my experience as a kid. The idea of doing that to one of my kids when they were 4... it's impossible to imagine, really.

Wow this kind of hit home for me. Growing up my mom would always tell us she knew us better than we know ourselves. Not very good for self esteem. Very often she would point out that I did something because I’m “sneaky” or had some ulterior motive. I remember being very confused when she would say things like that, but because I believed her as an impressionable child, I figured I was lying and deceitful even when I had been completely innocent. Needless to say I was a pretty naive kid.
It’s only recently in my 40s that I have realized how abusive that was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, these things are unkind and absolutely had a negative impact on you. It's interesting how sometimes it takes us years to realize these things though. You just normalize because you were a child when it started so it can take time and exposure to lots of other people, or maybe even having your own kids, for it to finally dawn on you that your parents' behavior was dysfunctional, even abusive.

I have this story about an incident that happened with I was about 4 years old that resulted in a doctor's visit, that for years my family told as a joke about me. The joke was supposed to be that I was a liar, or alternatively that I was manipulative. For years I internalized that as a story about what a bad kid I was, and how patient my parents were.

It finally dawned on me like 10 years ago that it's actually a story about an extremely young child who was exhibiting anxiety or some other mental health issue, and instead of getting it treated, my parents downplayed it and rejected medical advice, and then created a story that was told by all family members for decades after about what a bad kid I was. It's a story about parental neglect. I was 4! I wasn't lying or manipulating anyone, I had zero context for what was happening and was being left to my own devices to solve a problem and then when I finally went to my parents asking for help, they made fun of me. It's actually are ally f**ked up story. But I didn't figure that out until I was like 32 and was telling it to someone else and instead of laughing they just had questions and a sort of upset look on their face. And now as a parent I can't believe that was my experience as a kid. The idea of doing that to one of my kids when they were 4... it's impossible to imagine, really.

I had such a similar experience to your last paragraph. It was basically that my parents sucked and set us up to fail, we failed at this task, then my mom started wailing on us, but the logistics prevented her from landing any really painful blows so it was only a pseudo beating. Hahaha, this story is always hysterical in my family, why aren't you laughing friend? And my friend is sitting there looking at me with a combination of empathy and disbelief that I'd be expecting her to laugh. She repeated the story back to me without the flourishes and I really heard what I experienced for the first time and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I talked to my sister about it, and she felt the same way. We spent months after that basically telling and retelling each other stories to see how much what we remembered matched each other's perspective and trying to see if we could figure out what was normal and what was "normal" for our dysfunctional family. Like, don't most moms throw a shoe at you when you're too loud while she's on the phone and she can't yell at you? No? Hmmm, how do we process that? I think that was around the time I realized that I had no foundation in "normal" and healthy responses to situations.

[Anonymous]

Our moms are the same. Great to everyone else’s child, except her own. My parents even adopted a teen when I was an adult.

To me, I was criticized about my (normal) weight in every conversation to the point of encouraging an eating disorder. straight As were never good enough, I was lazy (4.0, National merit scholar, captain of varsity team, 1st chair in band, etc.). I was a disappointment (with my academic scholarship to a T-20 school) etc.

She’s the same to my daughter, but boys can do no wrong. Generational trauma…

[Anonymous]

Some cultures degrade/make fun of their children. Some @ssholes degrade/make fun of their children.

I never wanted to be either way. I hope you choose differently if you have kids- and it goes without saying that you should never leave any children alone with them. You are not crazy for realizing this is abusive.

[Anonymous]

When I was little… my mother often beat me. I got smart and hid the stick she used, which was this weird long skinny spatula, under a bed. She used her hands after that but it hurt less.

When I was little… my mom used to just scream at me for what seemed like no reason. One morning I happened to be looking at her while she walked to the bathroom and she just screamed “what the hell are you looking at!?” And that’s just one very small example.

When I was little…she screamed at me for being lazy and useless because I wasn’t helping put moving boxes that were as big as me and furniture into the moving van. I was five.

When I was little… she kept telling me how she was going to kill herself when my father finally got smart enough to get a divorce. She would collapse on me crying. Also during the divorce, she made me write my dad some crazy letters trying to make me look like I was going crazy. She made me lie about imaginary boyfriends of hers that never existed.

Now that I’m older… I am trying to cope with finally seeing she is a narcissist and probably also has borderline personality disorder. I am normally a happy person. So unpacking all this has been difficult and very dark.

OP, I’m sorry for your suffering. Some people really shouldn’t have kids! I hope you can look back on your own abuse in a safe manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, these things are unkind and absolutely had a negative impact on you. It's interesting how sometimes it takes us years to realize these things though. You just normalize because you were a child when it started so it can take time and exposure to lots of other people, or maybe even having your own kids, for it to finally dawn on you that your parents' behavior was dysfunctional, even abusive.

I have this story about an incident that happened with I was about 4 years old that resulted in a doctor's visit, that for years my family told as a joke about me. The joke was supposed to be that I was a liar, or alternatively that I was manipulative. For years I internalized that as a story about what a bad kid I was, and how patient my parents were.

It finally dawned on me like 10 years ago that it's actually a story about an extremely young child who was exhibiting anxiety or some other mental health issue, and instead of getting it treated, my parents downplayed it and rejected medical advice, and then created a story that was told by all family members for decades after about what a bad kid I was. It's a story about parental neglect. I was 4! I wasn't lying or manipulating anyone, I had zero context for what was happening and was being left to my own devices to solve a problem and then when I finally went to my parents asking for help, they made fun of me. It's actually are ally f**ked up story. But I didn't figure that out until I was like 32 and was telling it to someone else and instead of laughing they just had questions and a sort of upset look on their face. And now as a parent I can't believe that was my experience as a kid. The idea of doing that to one of my kids when they were 4... it's impossible to imagine, really.

I had such a similar experience to your last paragraph. It was basically that my parents sucked and set us up to fail, we failed at this task, then my mom started wailing on us, but the logistics prevented her from landing any really painful blows so it was only a pseudo beating. Hahaha, this story is always hysterical in my family, why aren't you laughing friend? And my friend is sitting there looking at me with a combination of empathy and disbelief that I'd be expecting her to laugh. She repeated the story back to me without the flourishes and I really heard what I experienced for the first time and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I talked to my sister about it, and she felt the same way. We spent months after that basically telling and retelling each other stories to see how much what we remembered matched each other's perspective and trying to see if we could figure out what was normal and what was "normal" for our dysfunctional family. Like, don't most moms throw a shoe at you when you're too loud while she's on the phone and she can't yell at you? No? Hmmm, how do we process that? I think that was around the time I realized that I had no foundation in "normal" and healthy responses to situations.

You and your sister are so lucky to have each other. I have several siblings and most of them won't even consider that our upbringing was dysfunctional. The 2 who occasionally admit this or that was messed up quickly excuse it, like a pp on here, "they had it rough as children...they did the best they could". I feel so alone sometimes and I have worked to break the cycle in my own little family.

[Anonymous]

My mother used to call me a name I hated. Apparently when I was a BABY she said it and I laughed once. So she kept calling me that. But I hated it once I was competent to express myself. She called me that name into my 40's. She died about a year ago and one of the thoughts I had was "At least now this name will die with her!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No but parents aren't perfect. Do you have kids of your own? Having my own kids has made me forgive my parents for so much.

When my 3rd was born she was so deliciously chubby. Her thighs were amazing. Out of love someone said she was "chonky" and so the older kids called her "chonks" for a year. She's 18 months and dh and I just nipped it in the bud. No one means anything cruel by the name, but yeah- referring to someone's weight isn't nice. But I can see how nicknames start and it's hard to end them. I still adore her rolls even though she's likely going to be a string bean like my older kids.

You're cherry picking an example that isn't very meaningful in the context of the op. Also how do you know the intent of posters parents and families when they insult a child?

I had the opposite experience when I had kids. It brought back lots of memories of how horrible my parents had been. I was more aware and more committed to not doing the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I realized how truly terrible my parents were only when I had my own kids.

Same. I now limit contact with my aging parents and raise my children very differently.