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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My mom would openly mock me when I asked a question that she deemed too stupid to answer, which was most of the time. A very common refrain was: how come you're asking such a dumb question? So by the time I was teen I had stopped asking questions, about anything.

Ironically she was also extremely generous with her time and labor. Her love language was acts of service and she did it outstandingly all her life.

She was a riddle to me for 40 plus years. She was certainly kind hearted, but also emotionally cruel.[/quote]

I have a very similar mom. Selfless to the point of martyrdom, but also incredibly cruel, sarcastic, and mocking towards her children. The PP who said it's the result of her own screwed up childhood is right -- my grandparents divorced when my mom was young and she lived with her mom, who was an alcoholic and had mental health issues. The circumstances of my grandmother's death when my mom was 19 are mysterious, but I think she either committed suicide or drank herself to death or had some kind of accident due to her drinking. It's possible no one knows for sure.

Anyway, it's very hard to grow up with a mom like this because the hurtful behavior is always tempered by the selfless acts. I grew up feeling guilty all the time because I didn't really like my mom, but everyone kept telling me what a great mom she was. As an adult, I've gone to therapy to deal with it and it's hard. I resent her and I feel empathy for her. I think she was dealt a pretty bad hand but I also wish she'd spent some time working on recovering from her trauma before having children because my childhood was screwed up and it screwed me up. But I also understand that she didn't see that as an option.

Generational trauma sucks. There's not really anyone to blame but you have to find a way to process it without internalizing it and blaming yourself. It's also hard because sometimes I just feel like "ugh, my family is so messed up we should just end the family line." But I did have a kid and I am breaking the chain. It just takes work. Every day, it takes work. But it's healing, too. Every day that I find a way to overcome my family legacy to provide my child with a normal, safe, loving home, I feel a little less burdened by the past.[/quote]

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