8 year old son has extreme attachment to grandmother

[Anonymous]

I think it’s well within the boundaries of “fine”. He enjoyed spending time with a family member — and knows that it probably won’t happen again for a while. So he’s feeling a sense of loss after what has been a highly stimulating week or two. I don’t think it’s extreme. If the behavior persists beyond a week, then I would be more concerned — not about his sadness, but about expressing it “hysterically “. Note that seeing her again “at some point” isn’t nearly as reassuring as something more specific like “we’ll visit again for Winter Break in February “.
If anything, I think your husband’s response is extreme.

Listen to your son to see if he has specific worries that can be allayed or at least addressed. Try to help him practice calming strategies— like deep breathing, bouncing a ball, writing or drawing his feelings, playing with play doh…. — even if the strategies aren’t completely successful. If he’d find it helpful, stories about separations ( going to camp, visiting and leaving relatives…) might be good to read together and do you can discuss themes of grief, loss, fears, in a related but distanced way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember bawling when my grandma left, at maybe around 7 or 8. I was a sensitive little kid, and I loved her very much. He sounds like a great kid.

OP here--he is a great kid! And we told him last night when things started up that it is okay to feel sad when people leave, and okay to miss people, but, that we need to work on controlling our emotions (ie not totally bawling hysterically and losing it if he thinks about her or face times with her). I'm on the more empathic end of the spectrum, but, this is a lot even to me, and my husband who is considerably less empathic and emotional is at an absolute loss and just gets extremely irritated.

So you're .... teaching your son to NOT cry? You're teaching your son to shove his feelings down and not express them? Great parenting.

[Anonymous]

This is perfectly normal. He loves his Grandma. He is going to miss her. Find ways for him to connect with her from afar—FaceTime, send a letter, make an art project to send to her, have him read to her over the phone, etc.

[Anonymous]

I stayed at my grandmother's for a few weeks in the summer when I was about 9 or 10. I was very emotional and crying after I got home, my parents were concerned. I remember telling my mother "I'm just worried that grandmother will miss me so much! She's all alone!" Seems kind of narcissistic now, ha ha. I got over it fairly quickly. Nobody told me not to get so emotional and I was definitely not an overly emotional kid normally.

[Anonymous]

Acknowledge his sadness and move on.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know about the weeping, but my husband was extremely bonded to his grandmother as a kid. It is a family story. When he was very young she lived overseas and he pitched such a fit when it was time to get on the plane to come home, that they ended up leaving him there with her for a few months! (He was a toddler so not in school yet.) then she moved here and lived with them as he grew up. Even now, he speaks about her so incredibly fondly, they were just super tight. He was closer to her than to his parents.

[Anonymous]

This is exactly the way my kids act when they’re overtired. He had an exciting week away from home, and it’s catching up with him.

[Anonymous]

My 7 year old son has done this when we have left Grandma's house after being there for an extended period of time. He does have some anxiety about saying good bye in general because "he doesn't want to cry". He is a fairly sensitive kid and transitions are still hard for him.

[Anonymous]

I was very close to my paternal grandma. Seems like he may be a sensitive soul like I was, but overall this is a GOOD thing

[Anonymous]

Please help your husband understand that it's ok to show emotion, it's not ok to repress it, he needs to deal with something it sounds like

And please STOP shutting your kid down when he cries. He needs to know it's ok to cry! It's healthy! Help him name his emotions (sadness, loneliness, from missing his grandmother and wishing he could spend more time with her) so that he can process them. What you're trying to get him to do is not to control his emotions, it's to repress them. This is really, really important. He needs to learn to process emotions or he's going to end up like your husband. (Which is not good, fyi.)

[Anonymous]

Grandma (MIL) lives with us but travels a couple times a year for 1-3 months at a time, and my kids get upset in the days leading up to her departure and when she leaves. Sometimes they cry, although when emotions are particularly strong, it's usually a combination of Grandma leaving + something else (tired, schedule out of whack, not feeling well, etc.). They settle down a day or two after she leaves, maybe getting sad a few times while she's gone when they FaceTime.

Somewhat related, my now-8-year-old totally lost it when she finished first grade last year because she didn't want to leave her teacher. THAT was an occasion of a couple days of bawling and just borderline inconsolable. It was very unexpected...we just tried to remind her that she would still see her at school even if she wasn't in the same class, and she'd have a new, great teacher for second grade and all the grades beyond that whom she'd never meet if she always stayed in Ms. Smith's class. She eventually settled down and moved on...until we got new teacher assignments in August and she found out Ms. Smith had moved up to second grade but she wasn't in her class! It all worked out, though. Just give them time and the best tools you can try to offer. We're all winging it.

[Anonymous]

Is grandma using lines about how lonely and sad she will be once they are gone home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is grandma using lines about how lonely and sad she will be once they are gone home.

OP here--I don't think so, but, she is by herself, but, very active and social and volunteers. I don't think that she encourages what happens, but, I think she is much more on the side of coddling and sort of babying him when he feels upset if that makes sense? Whereas we tell him it's okay to feel sad and miss our family and friends, and that if he needs to feel sad, he can maybe take some time to himself in his room and come re-engage vs. sobbing his way through dinner. He is the first grandkid on my side of the family, and so, he is the apple of her eye, and I think it is probably some combination of that, plus, undivided attention and fun times at grandma's house nonstop, plus being tired and out of routine, and maybe some back to school nerves. I think re-entry to routine, and rules, and expectations and not your grandmother who has endless energy and patience is part of the adjustment.

He is a great kid, and don't get me wrong, I'm glad that they are bonded, but, it was just such an intense meltdown yesterday (and it does typically happen when we leave visiting out of state family, but, seems to be the most pronounced when it comes to leaving my mom). He went up to his room and was just calling out for her over and over and almost hyperventilating. When I tried to talk to him about it, he said that he was sad because we wouldn't see her for a year--I reminded him that we usually see her every few months, and there's always a next time, and it's just like our other family who lives out of state. I don't know. It was extreme. I'm sure he won't be doing this when he's 13, but, things can feel like a lot in the moment!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is grandma using lines about how lonely and sad she will be once they are gone home.

OP here--I don't think so, but, she is by herself, but, very active and social and volunteers. I don't think that she encourages what happens, but, I think she is much more on the side of coddling and sort of babying him when he feels upset if that makes sense? Whereas we tell him it's okay to feel sad and miss our family and friends, and that if he needs to feel sad, he can maybe take some time to himself in his room and come re-engage vs. sobbing his way through dinner. He is the first grandkid on my side of the family, and so, he is the apple of her eye, and I think it is probably some combination of that, plus, undivided attention and fun times at grandma's house nonstop, plus being tired and out of routine, and maybe some back to school nerves. I think re-entry to routine, and rules, and expectations and not your grandmother who has endless energy and patience is part of the adjustment.

He is a great kid, and don't get me wrong, I'm glad that they are bonded, but, it was just such an intense meltdown yesterday (and it does typically happen when we leave visiting out of state family, but, seems to be the most pronounced when it comes to leaving my mom). He went up to his room and was just calling out for her over and over and almost hyperventilating. When I tried to talk to him about it, he said that he was sad because we wouldn't see her for a year--I reminded him that we usually see her every few months, and there's always a next time, and it's just like our other family who lives out of state. I don't know. It was extreme. I'm sure he won't be doing this when he's 13, but, things can feel like a lot in the moment!

You send him to his room to be by himself when he shows emotion? Maybe reconsider that. What he needs is support and connection, not forced isolation.

[Anonymous]

I would find out if someone he knows has recently lost a grandparent. If he was already very close with her and a friend lost a grandparent, this is totally the age where those big connections get made.