DC (22) refuses relationship with close relative

[Anonymous]

Your adult child has a right to make their own choices about who they like and want in their life, including relatives. Leave it alone. You aren't going to make them like each other. Don't try.

I would sit down with your adult child. Explain that you respect their dislike of the relative and that you will do your best to minimize the amount of time the relative is in your home while your adult child is there. (And do that!)

However, in return, and as it is your house, you expect the adult child to treat with basic courtesy anyone who comes to your home. Your adult child doesn't need to sit down and watch Fox with this person, but they can say "hello" and accept gifts graciously, as they would with anyone.

And tell the relative to turn down the darn TV. No one wants to hear a blaring TV all day. It's your house and the relative is treating it like it's theirs. Don't be a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Relative is not “a bad person in your eyes” but that doesn’t mean your child has to like or respect them. As you choose to have them both as guests in your home, all you can expect and ask for is baseline civility. No more.

I am nothing beyond baseline civil to homophobic, racist, sexist people, and I’m only around them as much as I have to be. If pressed, I have no problems telling them to their face that their homophobic, racist or sexist remarks will not go unchallenged in my presence.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a horrible parent. Why aren’t you listening to your child?

[Anonymous]

#TeamAdultChild

[Anonymous]

On the plus side OP, your adult child will launch pretty fast after graduating from college, because they will not want to come back to live in your house for any length of time. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your adult child has a right to make their own choices about who they like and want in their life, including relatives. Leave it alone. You aren't going to make them like each other. Don't try.

I would sit down with your adult child. Explain that you respect their dislike of the relative and that you will do your best to minimize the amount of time the relative is in your home while your adult child is there. (And do that!)

However, in return, and as it is your house, you expect the adult child to treat with basic courtesy anyone who comes to your home. Your adult child doesn't need to sit down and watch Fox with this person, but they can say "hello" and accept gifts graciously, as they would with anyone.

And tell the relative to turn down the darn TV. No one wants to hear a blaring TV all day. It's your house and the relative is treating it like it's theirs. Don't be a doormat.

Yes, if they choose to be in a home where this other relative is welcome, they need to be civil enough to say hello.

NO, they do NOT need to accept gifts. Gifts are weapons and tools to manipulative people. “No, thank you” is a fine response to a gift you do not want, for any reason, at any time, from anyone.

[Anonymous]

I'll never understand why OPs twist themselves into pretzels to try to obscure details to this degree. The "child" and "relative" thing makes the post unneccesarily tedious to follow.

That being said, the first thing -I- would do would be to go apologize to "child", age 22, for not believing them, not caring about what they have to say, and not caring about their comfort in their own home.. I grew up with a parent who ALWAYS, always took the word of anyone and everyone else over me. I'm not sure why other than maybe idiotic desire to play "devil's advocate". It was extremely damaging and it's taken me awhile to move past it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would support my child — and value their judgement. I would also wonder if the relative had done something seriously damaging to my child.
If the relative is angry, so be it.

As another PP said: How on earth do you know that your child’s comments are baseless?
It stands out to me that since this is the only relative that your adult offspring despises — there’s a good chance that this relative may actually be despicable.
What I would do is listen to my adult offspring— and monitor the relative carefully, especially around children. If your adult offspring is saying these things to a parent who views their comments as “baseless”, imagine what “nasty…things” they might not be saying, because the parent whose job it is to protect them doesn’t take what they’re saying seriously.

+1

Something happened in the past and your kid won’t tell you bc you are so defensive about this relative and when they try and talk to you about them you just argue and the realize you won’t believe them and you will get mad. So they don’t tell you. If it was me, I would let look for a new caregiver, thank the relative for their help and let them know you will no longer need it. Because my child matters the most to me vs other relatives.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your kid grew up to be a good person despite your parenting.

Why is the is person constantly in your home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would support my child — and value their judgement. I would also wonder if the relative had done something seriously damaging to my child.
If the relative is angry, so be it.

As another PP said: How on earth do you know that your child’s comments are baseless?
It stands out to me that since this is the only relative that your adult offspring despises — there’s a good chance that this relative may actually be despicable.
What I would do is listen to my adult offspring— and monitor the relative carefully, especially around children. If your adult offspring is saying these things to a parent who views their comments as “baseless”, imagine what “nasty…things” they might not be saying, because the parent whose job it is to protect them doesn’t take what they’re saying seriously.

+1

Something happened in the past and your kid won’t tell you bc you are so defensive about this relative and when they try and talk to you about them you just argue and the realize you won’t believe them and you will get mad. So they don’t tell you. If it was me, I would let look for a new caregiver, thank the relative for their help and let them know you will no longer need it. Because my child matters the most to me vs other relatives.

This.

Maybe you need to ask yourself why you're tolerating the nasty racism and conspiracy-mongering that Fox News constantly spews into your home. What does that say about you? And what does that say about your relative?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the relative do something to the child?

OP here. Not to my knowledge. Whenever I confront child, child says their angry that relative watches Fox News loudly every time they come over, opposes relative’s political and religious views, says they find the sound of relative’s voice annoying, that relative meddles way too much/is judgmental, relative leaves multiple doors at unlocked at night every time they come in front door and go outside through other doors, that relative comes over too much and stays too long, relative wears dirty shoes all over the house, that relative is sexist toward DC (relative is same gender and sex as DC) and I could go on. Relative is not a bad person in my eyes.

Ok but what about this is "baseless"? Does the relative wear shoes or not? Does the relative leave the door unlocked or not? IMO leaving doors unlocked is something you really ought to address.

I understand that you don't see these things as significant problems, and that you think your relative is not a "bad person" despite their love of the toxic, exploitative, misleading, racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. television. But why? Do you agree with Fox News? Do you want it loudly playing in your home? What does that say about you?

[Anonymous]

I would give your child space and counsel your relative to do the same.

Tell your relative that your child does not agree with their views, so to get along together as a family, your relative can take a few days off from Fox News or listen to it on headphones instead. It's fine if your relative experiences the consequences of the loud television they are choosing to impose on the family.

If you feel you can't offend this person because you need the caregiving, explain that to your DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the relative do something to the child?

OP here. Not to my knowledge. Whenever I confront child, child says their angry that relative watches Fox News loudly every time they come over, opposes relative’s political and religious views, says they find the sound of relative’s voice annoying, that relative meddles way too much/is judgmental, relative leaves multiple doors at unlocked at night every time they come in front door and go outside through other doors, that relative comes over too much and stays too long, relative wears dirty shoes all over the house, that relative is sexist toward DC (relative is same gender and sex as DC) and I could go on. Relative is not a bad person in my eyes.

It sounds like your relative is around more than your child is comfortable with. Why is that? You say "in a caregiver capacity" but what is the relative doing and for whom? It seems maybe like while your child is home over break, they should feel welcome and secure in their home. Your relative at the very least could turn off that station, turn the volume down, avoid speaking with your child about politics or religion, be more mindful of safety issues like leaving doors unlocked and cleanliness issues like dirty shoes in the house.

It doesn't really matter whether YOU think that the relative is "a bad person." They sound unpleasant to be around, for your child at least. At 22, your child is able to decide who they will and will not establish relationships with. They're not required to have a close relationship with close family that they aren't comfortable with. Stop forcing it. Why do you care more about this relative's comfort than your own child's?

[Anonymous]

I can understand if the student is ultra liberal attending an ultra liberal college or university (such as Oberlin, Pitzer, Haverford) and the relative is an ardent Fox News believer ultra conservative MAGA supporter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand if the student is ultra liberal attending an ultra liberal college or university (such as Oberlin, Pitzer, Haverford) and the relative is an ardent Fox News believer ultra conservative MAGA supporter.

I can also understand if the student is not ultra anything and just offended by loud Fox News viewing and conversation in their home against their will.