DC (22) refuses relationship with close relative

[Anonymous]

Why is this relative in your home in a care taking role? You make it sound like you are using that person for free labor and them treating them with contempt. Release them from that obligation and your adult child will have less opportunity to feel pressured to treat someone they don't like with respect.

[Anonymous]

*then treating them with contempt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a shit mom

Yeah, this.

[Anonymous]

That are all adults & responsible for their own actions/relationships. It sucks to be caught in the middle. If your child complains to you, listen & sympathize. If relative complains to you, listen & sympathize. But try to help them understand that they are 2 adults who need to navigate their own relationship. Encourage them both to be tolerant of each other’s differences.
As long as you are sure no abuse has occurred, sounds like just a mismatch of personalities.
With DC, I would just say that I understand, they just need to be civil/respectful in the way you would be to any human being you share space with.
With relative, I would say that they should give DC some space. They are at an age where they need their independence. They need a lot of space now & may come around in time (which may or may not be true- but just encourage relative to give DC space).

[Anonymous]

I trust my children's judgement on the important things. In this case, I am on your child's side.

However, I understand that caregivers are EXPENSIVE. If you do not have another viable financial option, you need to explain this to your child, and tell them that you have no choice but to tolerate the relative's presence in exchange for their services.

But you seem to be fine with the relative's views, customs and interactions with your child, which is quite another story. Again, without knowing anything else, I side with your child.

[Anonymous]

Honeslty I have an uncle like this - he showed a lot of guidance to to my mother when she was a child (he is quite a bit colder) so in her eyes he can do no wrong.

He often comes to visit for months at a time - when I lived at home it was difficult. He basically mooches off all of his siblings and moves around visiting different siblings. He had adult children he makes no effort to stay in touch with or see, he interferes in family discussions, he is careless - does things like let the dogs out when the gate is open, answers the phone and forgets to pass along the message, leaves the stove on. Not someone I want to spend a lot of time with, and I am sure he thought I was rude when I was around him more as well. Now I just try to avoid spending time with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can understand if the student is ultra liberal attending an ultra liberal college or university (such as Oberlin, Pitzer, Haverford) and the relative is an ardent Fox News believer ultra conservative MAGA supporter.

I can also understand if the student is not ultra anything and just offended by loud Fox News viewing and conversation in their home against their will.

I'm the "adult child" who left after college as fast as possible, because my grandmother lived with us and was not a very nice person most of the time. No actual abuse, but had to be catered to day and night, to the point where I just had to be quiet and unobtrusive as a 21 year old coming home from college.

If your adult relative is blaring the TV and not locking doors, they don't sound very responsible OP.

I understand completely…My grandmother lived with us and was a mean alcoholic. It made coming home as an adult miserable. Holiday dinners were especially awful with her drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the relative do something to the child?

OP here. Not to my knowledge. Whenever I confront child, child says their angry that relative watches Fox News loudly every time they come over, opposes relative’s political and religious views, says they find the sound of relative’s voice annoying, that relative meddles way too much/is judgmental, relative leaves multiple doors at unlocked at night every time they come in front door and go outside through other doors, that relative comes over too much and stays too long, relative wears dirty shoes all over the house, that relative is sexist toward DC (relative is same gender and sex as DC) and I could go on. Relative is not a bad person in my eyes.

“Child” drank the liberal coolaid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did the relative do something to the child?

Obviously, yes. But OP doesn't believe her child.

[Anonymous]

So basically an older female relative has been shitty toward your daughter for years, and now expects her to be more than civil? And you are stuck in the middle because your need her to take are of one of your parents?

My take is this person needs get over themselves. If your DD is saying hi, you need to leave it alone.

Note that young people are not dealing with toxic family garbage. Your child's claims are not baseless. Tread very carefully here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So basically an older female relative has been shitty toward your daughter for years, and now expects her to be more than civil? And you are stuck in the middle because your need her to take are of one of your parents?

My take is this person needs get over themselves. If your DD is saying hi, you need to leave it alone.

Note that young people are not dealing with toxic family garbage. Your child's claims are not baseless. Tread very carefully here.

This is my take as well.

Be careful OP. If you keep choosing your other relative over your DD, your DD isn't going to choose you when she has a choice. She's showing you she won't tolerate people who are toxic to her, and choosing toxicity-trying to make her choose it as well when she visits you, is not going to go over well with her in the long run. Especially if you try to force her to "be respectful" to someone who isn't kind or respectful to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the relative do something to the child?

OP here. Not to my knowledge. Whenever I confront child, child says their angry that relative watches Fox News loudly every time they come over, opposes relative’s political and religious views, says they find the sound of relative’s voice annoying, that relative meddles way too much/is judgmental, relative leaves multiple doors at unlocked at night every time they come in front door and go outside through other doors, that relative comes over too much and stays too long, relative wears dirty shoes all over the house, that relative is sexist toward DC (relative is same gender and sex as DC) and I could go on. Relative is not a bad person in my eyes.

Caretaker for what or who 4 days a week? Dogwalking so present for 1 hour? No since doors are left unlocked at night. Relative meddles, assumes contro; of a TV remote for channel and volume in a common area of the house, likely barks comments on food eaten/appearance/life style.

Is it elder care and diapers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the relative do something to the child?

OP here. Not to my knowledge. Whenever I confront child, child says their angry that relative watches Fox News loudly every time they come over, opposes relative’s political and religious views, says they find the sound of relative’s voice annoying, that relative meddles way too much/is judgmental, relative leaves multiple doors at unlocked at night every time they come in front door and go outside through other doors, that relative comes over too much and stays too long, relative wears dirty shoes all over the house, that relative is sexist toward DC (relative is same gender and sex as DC) and I could go on. Relative is not a bad person in my eyes.

Caretaker for what or who 4 days a week? Dogwalking so present for 1 hour? No since doors are left unlocked at night. Relative meddles, assumes contro; of a TV remote for channel and volume in a common area of the house, likely barks comments on food eaten/appearance/life style.

Is it elder care and diapers?

OP here. There is a toddler that lives in our household. This toddler is not the child of DH, the DC in question or myself. It would be a long story to describe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the relative do something to the child?

OP here. Not to my knowledge. Whenever I confront child, child says their angry that relative watches Fox News loudly every time they come over, opposes relative’s political and religious views, says they find the sound of relative’s voice annoying, that relative meddles way too much/is judgmental, relative leaves multiple doors at unlocked at night every time they come in front door and go outside through other doors, that relative comes over too much and stays too long, relative wears dirty shoes all over the house, that relative is sexist toward DC (relative is same gender and sex as DC) and I could go on. Relative is not a bad person in my eyes.

Caretaker for what or who 4 days a week? Dogwalking so present for 1 hour? No since doors are left unlocked at night. Relative meddles, assumes contro; of a TV remote for channel and volume in a common area of the house, likely barks comments on food eaten/appearance/life style.

Is it elder care and diapers?

OP here. There is a toddler that lives in our household. This toddler is not the child of DH, the DC in question or myself. It would be a long story to describe.

So the relative is providing free childcare for a toddler. Toddler happy and well cared for? The news thing you posted made me remember when my kids were little and 1 babysitter thought the tv would run the food network...toddlers complained. 22 year old helping with toddler while on break would reduce the relatives presence. But if the relative is the connection to the toddler, perhaps the OP daughter is wondering why the kid doesn't live at the relatives house. Too many variables here since now we know it isn't OP mom or whatever that needs help toileting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the relative do something to the child?

OP here. Not to my knowledge. Whenever I confront child, child says their angry that relative watches Fox News loudly every time they come over, opposes relative’s political and religious views, says they find the sound of relative’s voice annoying, that relative meddles way too much/is judgmental, relative leaves multiple doors at unlocked at night every time they come in front door and go outside through other doors, that relative comes over too much and stays too long, relative wears dirty shoes all over the house, that relative is sexist toward DC (relative is same gender and sex as DC) and I could go on. Relative is not a bad person in my eyes.

This doesn’t sound like a person I’d want to spend time around either. Let it go. And honestly if you see this person being sexist, call them out! Your DD should know that you have their back.