DS Is a 20-Year-old Loser Living at Home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the pot. Sorry. This will go on until he stops smoking his day away.

My stepson smokes pot with his friends. He's also clean, kind, getting As in college, does sports, is delightful to be with - I have no doubt of his successful future. It's not the pot.

It's not the pot, it's bad parenting/genes. It is surprising to me when parents complain about their horrible adult kids, because aside from mental illness (which is probably genes), the kid is result of your parenting and your genes! OK, so still not totally the parents' fault because : 1) parents not aware of or responsible for generational trauma at the time of procreation. 2) parents ignorant and maybe too dense to learn about healthy parenting.

Once you get to point of an angry young man, aimless, poor, punching holes in walls, I feel like he was failed by parents who failed -- not at discipline, but at empathy.

[Anonymous]

He is not a loser. He is lost. You sound so unsophisticated with regard to child developement or mental health.

A healthy, happy child with good parents and a nurturing environment does not end up like this. Stop judging him and perhaps make yourself useful by paying for therapy or rehab!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My nephew has done nothing in three years since high school except smoke, vape, deal pot, punch holes in walls, and get fired from low-level jobs. He stays out all night with a bad crowd, plays video games, and sleeps during the day. The police have been called to the house. He hated high school, hates his father (who moved out last year), and pretty much hates everybody. He is better when he has a girlfriend. But otherwise, he is becoming a depressed loser.

He can't afford local housing on minimum wage, so must live at home. How can we get this man-child to transition to independent adulthood?

Whose home is it? Yours? His parent's? Your parents? If its under your name, legally you can evict him. However, it seems adults in his life failed him and are partly responsible for his actions but he is a legal adult now so he needs to show responsibility for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the pot. Sorry. This will go on until he stops smoking his day away.

My stepson smokes pot with his friends. He's also clean, kind, getting As in college, does sports, is delightful to be with - I have no doubt of his successful future. It's not the pot.

It's not the pot, it's bad parenting/genes. It is surprising to me when parents complain about their horrible adult kids, because aside from mental illness (which is probably genes), the kid is result of your parenting and your genes! OK, so still not totally the parents' fault because : 1) parents not aware of or responsible for generational trauma at the time of procreation. 2) parents ignorant and maybe too dense to learn about healthy parenting.

Once you get to point of an angry young man, aimless, poor, punching holes in walls, I feel like he was failed by parents who failed -- not at discipline, but at empathy.

Wow. Just like your kid didn’t come to you through procreation, many kids are not biologically related to their parents. And many kids suffer unbelievable trauma, which may have nothing to do with the parents but explains dysfunction. And, how about those that the mental health system failed - either due to lack of accessibility or due to lack of knowledge about how to help. Way to pat yourself on the back for nothing while you blame people you know nothing about. And just how many years did you full time parent this kid that you’re taking so much credit for? And how hard did you have to work to get mental health care during a once in a lifetime pandemic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My nephew has done nothing in three years since high school except smoke, vape, deal pot, punch holes in walls, and get fired from low-level jobs. He stays out all night with a bad crowd, plays video games, and sleeps during the day. The police have been called to the house. He hated high school, hates his father (who moved out last year), and pretty much hates everybody. He is better when he has a girlfriend. But otherwise, he is becoming a depressed loser.

He can't afford local housing on minimum wage, so must live at home. How can we get this man-child to transition to independent adulthood?

Tell him to go on Facebook and find a sublease somewhere that 4+ people are already living.

[Anonymous]

Op, my sons are nowhere near as bad as your nephew. They don't smoke, aren't in any legal trouble, and don't damage my property. Even still, at 21 and 23, I feel they could be more motivated and are late bloomers.

I am seriously contemplating purchasing a small condo for them to share. With the way the housing and rental market is, they will never be able to afford anything without parental support. So that leaves two options: continue living at home forever or parental housing supplements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, my sons are nowhere near as bad as your nephew. They don't smoke, aren't in any legal trouble, and don't damage my property. Even still, at 21 and 23, I feel they could be more motivated and are late bloomers.

I am seriously contemplating purchasing a small condo for them to share. With the way the housing and rental market is, they will never be able to afford anything without parental support. So that leaves two options: continue living at home forever or parental housing supplements.

Or live with roommates, or they can live in a cheaper town/state.

But you’d rather coddle them forever like infants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, my sons are nowhere near as bad as your nephew. They don't smoke, aren't in any legal trouble, and don't damage my property. Even still, at 21 and 23, I feel they could be more motivated and are late bloomers.

I am seriously contemplating purchasing a small condo for them to share. With the way the housing and rental market is, they will never be able to afford anything without parental support. So that leaves two options: continue living at home forever or parental housing supplements.

Or live with roommates, or they can live in a cheaper town/state.

But you’d rather coddle them forever like infants.

It's not coddling. It's providing a foundation and reducing the risk of yo-yo effect living. Bouncing around and being unstable, benefits no one. Additionally, real estate is an investment long-term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, my sons are nowhere near as bad as your nephew. They don't smoke, aren't in any legal trouble, and don't damage my property. Even still, at 21 and 23, I feel they could be more motivated and are late bloomers.

I am seriously contemplating purchasing a small condo for them to share. With the way the housing and rental market is, they will never be able to afford anything without parental support. So that leaves two options: continue living at home forever or parental housing supplements.

Or live with roommates, or they can live in a cheaper town/state.

But you’d rather coddle them forever like infants.

It's not coddling. It's providing a foundation and reducing the risk of yo-yo effect living. Bouncing around and being unstable, benefits no one. Additionally, real estate is an investment long-term.

It is depriving your child of any sense of accomplishment or self-reliance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, my sons are nowhere near as bad as your nephew. They don't smoke, aren't in any legal trouble, and don't damage my property. Even still, at 21 and 23, I feel they could be more motivated and are late bloomers.

I am seriously contemplating purchasing a small condo for them to share. With the way the housing and rental market is, they will never be able to afford anything without parental support. So that leaves two options: continue living at home forever or parental housing supplements.

Or live with roommates, or they can live in a cheaper town/state.

But you’d rather coddle them forever like infants.

It's not coddling. It's providing a foundation and reducing the risk of yo-yo effect living. Bouncing around and being unstable, benefits no one. Additionally, real estate is an investment long-term.

It is depriving your child of any sense of accomplishment or self-reliance.

DP.

You two seem to be talking past each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My nephew has done nothing in three years since high school except smoke, vape, deal pot, punch holes in walls, and get fired from low-level jobs. He stays out all night with a bad crowd, plays video games, and sleeps during the day. The police have been called to the house. He hated high school, hates his father (who moved out last year), and pretty much hates everybody. He is better when he has a girlfriend. But otherwise, he is becoming a depressed loser.

He can't afford local housing on minimum wage, so must live at home. How can we get this man-child to transition to independent adulthood?

This had better not be a troll, because this sounds too good to be true. I felt like enough loser when I was 20, because I was struggling to land a part time job while in community college. But your nephew's supposed failings brings mine into perspective. But like I said, I have my doubts that a story so wonderful is true.

[Anonymous]

Original poster with an update.

Police were called last night (for the third time) after nephew got irate and threatened to kill his mother. He has paranoid delusions and is being involuntarily hospitalized for a week to evaluate mental illness.

I had been skeptical, because defiant malingerers can be manipulative. This can be difficult to distinguish, because people often hide their mental illness. Finally, illegal drugs and unhealthy lifestyles can exacerbate underlying mental health problems. It is possible to be a rebellious little punk who also struggles with episodic mental health issues, aggravated by smoking pot and staying up all night. I hope they find an effective medication, and that he takes it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Original poster with an update.

Police were called last night (for the third time) after nephew got irate and threatened to kill his mother. He has paranoid delusions and is being involuntarily hospitalized for a week to evaluate mental illness.

I had been skeptical, because defiant malingerers can be manipulative. This can be difficult to distinguish, because people often hide their mental illness. Finally, illegal drugs and unhealthy lifestyles can exacerbate underlying mental health problems. It is possible to be a rebellious little punk who also struggles with episodic mental health issues, aggravated by smoking pot and staying up all night. I hope they find an effective medication, and that he takes it.

I'm going to need to check with my eye doctor to make sure my eyes aren't playing tricks on me when I'm reading. If they're not and you're not trolling, then I'm not the biggest loser in the world after all. It just seems too wonderful to be true.

[Anonymous]

If he hated school, he probably has an undiagnosed learning disability and fell into a crowd of kids who did not value education. He probably feels that ship has sailed, and it is too late for him. He needs an evaluation for learning differences and ADHD (but he'll have to not be using for it to be accurate), and encouragement that it is not too late to start living and learning. The psychologist who does the evaluation can also recommend therapy to deal with the trauma that is holding this kid back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Original poster with an update.

Police were called last night (for the third time) after nephew got irate and threatened to kill his mother. He has paranoid delusions and is being involuntarily hospitalized for a week to evaluate mental illness.

I had been skeptical, because defiant malingerers can be manipulative. This can be difficult to distinguish, because people often hide their mental illness. Finally, illegal drugs and unhealthy lifestyles can exacerbate underlying mental health problems. It is possible to be a rebellious little punk who also struggles with episodic mental health issues, aggravated by smoking pot and staying up all night. I hope they find an effective medication, and that he takes it.

Hopefully, the young man will sign the papers that allow you or someone to talk to the evaluator, because if there have been paranoid delusions, it is most likely that the drugs were self-medicating, but also exacerbating. Given the behaviors, this may be a case of schizoaffective personality disorder, which is notoriously difficult to treat because they don't typically sick to any medication. Typically becomes most apparent at age 18-19 (and before that age these kids are viewed as a bad, defiant, underachieving -- they are unable to articulate what they are experiencing and fight it and everything as a normal fight, flight, or freeze response to massively traumatic delusions). Don't expect miracles from the mental health professionals. This kid is going to need a lot of support. In the spirit of trying to help you, I have to say, your attitude (punk, loser, etc.) is immensely unhelpful to him, so unless you can reframe how you see this kid's situation, you should probably step back and let more compassionate people help him. Or, as I myself did, if this is the diagnosis or something similar, talk to a psychiatrist yourself to get information on how to talk to and handle your relative.

More information to see if the shoe fits: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/21544-schizoaffective-disorder