How to handle a very vocal dreamer/silly heart type person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I don’t know why I let it bother me so badly. Surely this person knows these are all pipe dreams, and they have to know others are on to the fact that these things never come to fruition. So they have to think we are crazy for feigning internet, right? It’s just bizarre to me.

But you’re all right. It doesn’t matter what we are talking about. (It’s just that it makes me feel foolish and I can’t articulate why!)

I have a relative like this too OP and it bothers me and I can't put my finger on why. I'm sure it has something to do with childhood trauma, or something I recognize in myself or something, because it drives me nuts and the conversations where I have to ooh and ah make me very uncomfortable. The person in my life always collects a lot of attention for her far flung plans (supposed new careers, impending divorces, children who will be going to Juillard or having modeling careers, etc.), and I wonder if that's what is bothering me about it.

[Anonymous]

I also relate deeply to what OP is talking about, this feeling of irritation when someone is talking about some plans and you know they are blowing hot air and they've done so before... I can't even remember the last time I've had this type of conversation but I know that it's happened and that it really irritates me.

I think the problem is me, not the other person. It's not my problem what this person does, why the heck am I so invested? I think for me it's such a contrast to my own style- I'm not going to say I'm doing something unless I fully plan on doing it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe Susan wants to feel important and thinks these conversations with you will make more important to you. Maybe they are just a way for her to dress up an otherwise dreadfully boring life. The real question is why does she want your attention in this way. Are you her DIL, sister, daughter, niece, cousin, distant relative? Why your attention?

[Anonymous]

Just find a response module that works for you so you don't have to feel invested in her delusions. Like "Sure, Jan" or something similar.

[Anonymous]

Do some minimal smile and nodding while keeping your "poker face" on. You know it's all fantasy, so unless one of the stories is actively hurtful to someone else I'd keep the conversation light and change the topic/move on to another person as soon as is polite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't feign interest. I'd just say, Oh that sounds interesting. Have you tried Aunt Larla's new recipe? It's sooo good.

Basically, change the topic. Don't let yourself be held hostage to her monologue.

I guess I’d do the above.

Detach emotionally
Expect nothing
Nod and say umm hmm.
Excuse yourself to take care of other things.
Don’t get involved.

And feel free to say, “wow, I never heard of that being possible. Fascinating!”
“Wow, that’s so rare, fascinating!” “Yeah, I guess anything is possible!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: "I spend so much time, I feel wasted, seeming interested in these stories, going back and forth, asking questions, and for nothing. It makes ME feel crazy. I don’t think this person suffers from mental illness, maybe just a little unhappiness and definitely low self esteem."

Is it time you wouldn't spend talking with this person about other things? If you are spending the time anyways, does it really matter if it this, football you aren't interested in, movies you don't care for, or her neighbors you'd never know?

This is my spouses side of the family, they’re all aspergers. I couldn’t out my finger on what was so off until my spouse was formally diagnosed. Now I’ve read all about it and detach from an expectation of having a normal visit or conversation. They don’t mind if we do nothing or don’t talk either. So now we don’t much; they seem to like silence. So opposite of OPs over talking relative…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would start by asking myself why it is important to me that people follow through on the stuff they tell me about, especially if it has no impact on me one way or another.

I can't think of someone I know just like this, but I can think of dozens and dozens of situations where a friend or family member told me they were thinking about or planning something and nothing came of it. This happens constantly. "Oh we're thinking about moving to the suburbs." A year later I ask "Oh, did anything come of that?" And they say "No, we changed our minds." It doesn't matter to me, it's their life. Maybe I ask them what made them change their mind or we have a conversation about what it turns out they like about their current neighborhood.

I get that this relative has more fanciful dreams than that, but honestly that sounds interesting to me. I could have a whole conversation with someone about why they are interested in moving to Puerto Rico or whether they've always dreamed of living in a tropical location. And then they could not move there but I would still find that conversation interesting and enjoyable.

What others do with their lives is up to them. If they want to make a bunch of plans and never follow through on them, that's honestly perfectly fine because it's their life not yours. There's any number of reasons a person might momentarily think about doing something and then decide against it.

This. Why does this bother you so much? I'd just listen, maybe get involved in the conversation if something about it was interesting, and then just forgetting about it, or maybe chuckling about Larla's latest flight of fancy. But most casual conversation with family at stuff like this isn't really all that important, anyway, right? Like, it's ALL kind of "for nothing" from my perspective. So who cares if it's about maybe moving to PR v. painting the garage? At least chinchillas are something different.

Yes it’s sad you won’t be having any meaningful back and forth conversations or connecting. and most of what they claim or say is DOA, but now that you know that, just enjoy the show!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I don’t know why I let it bother me so badly. Surely this person knows these are all pipe dreams, and they have to know others are on to the fact that these things never come to fruition. So they have to think we are crazy for feigning internet, right? It’s just bizarre to me.

But you’re all right. It doesn’t matter what we are talking about. (It’s just that it makes me feel foolish and I can’t articulate why!)

I have a relative like this too OP and it bothers me and I can't put my finger on why. I'm sure it has something to do with childhood trauma, or something I recognize in myself or something, because it drives me nuts and the conversations where I have to ooh and ah make me very uncomfortable. The person in my life always collects a lot of attention for her far flung plans (supposed new careers, impending divorces, children who will be going to Juillard or having modeling careers, etc.), and I wonder if that's what is bothering me about it.

You mean far flung ideas.

Not plans. They prob can’t plan well.

And certainly not action. They prob can execute well either

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I don’t know why I let it bother me so badly. Surely this person knows these are all pipe dreams, and they have to know others are on to the fact that these things never come to fruition. So they have to think we are crazy for feigning internet, right? It’s just bizarre to me.

But you’re all right. It doesn’t matter what we are talking about. (It’s just that it makes me feel foolish and I can’t articulate why!)

Are you usually a problem solver type of person? Your instinct is to help/solve, your brain kicks into responsibility drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also relate deeply to what OP is talking about, this feeling of irritation when someone is talking about some plans and you know they are blowing hot air and they've done so before... I can't even remember the last time I've had this type of conversation but I know that it's happened and that it really irritates me.

I think the problem is me, not the other person. It's not my problem what this person does, why the heck am I so invested? I think for me it's such a contrast to my own style- I'm not going to say I'm doing something unless I fully plan on doing it.

My FIL is like this. Makes himself out to be a hero yet won’t answer any key questions or provide details that make sense. Can’t follow a conversation well so recites it totally off to you and the next person. Can’t see danger or issues so those compound. Looks in wonderment at others and cannot fathom how they are doing what they are doing.

It used to be destabilizing to me since I keep trying to explain things or give more examples or help him. It was exhausting. They lived far away so I only had this twilight zone experience like in a couple clumps a year and my spouse was normalized to it - and ignoring his father entirely, which I could not fathom.

Anyhow, now I fathom it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe Susan wants to feel important and thinks these conversations with you will make more important to you. Maybe they are just a way for her to dress up an otherwise dreadfully boring life. The real question is why does she want your attention in this way. Are you her DIL, sister, daughter, niece, cousin, distant relative? Why your attention?

Start with: Is she like this with everyone or anyone who will listen to her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I don’t know why I let it bother me so badly. Surely this person knows these are all pipe dreams, and they have to know others are on to the fact that these things never come to fruition. So they have to think we are crazy for feigning internet, right? It’s just bizarre to me.

But you’re all right. It doesn’t matter what we are talking about. (It’s just that it makes me feel foolish and I can’t articulate why!)

I have a relative like this too OP and it bothers me and I can't put my finger on why. I'm sure it has something to do with childhood trauma, or something I recognize in myself or something, because it drives me nuts and the conversations where I have to ooh and ah make me very uncomfortable. The person in my life always collects a lot of attention for her far flung plans (supposed new careers, impending divorces, children who will be going to Juillard or having modeling careers, etc.), and I wonder if that's what is bothering me about it.

It's normal to feel jealousy towards someone who is getting a lot of attention, especially if you have a history of childhood emotional neglect. But one thing to remind yourself is that the person getting attention might also have that background. It's very common.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like drama queens PP.

OPs situation sounds like someone more loony. Can they hold down a job? Or does their lack of judgment and zero filter negatively affect that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also relate deeply to what OP is talking about, this feeling of irritation when someone is talking about some plans and you know they are blowing hot air and they've done so before... I can't even remember the last time I've had this type of conversation but I know that it's happened and that it really irritates me.

I think the problem is me, not the other person. It's not my problem what this person does, why the heck am I so invested? I think for me it's such a contrast to my own style- I'm not going to say I'm doing something unless I fully plan on doing it.

I'm a new poster. I agree. My MIL does this all the the time. Every month she says "oh we're looking at buying property in XYZ place", I'm moving to California because it seems like you don't need me here.... do you need me here?", "How do you think your parents would feel if I bought a home in your hometown? It's just so... quaint.", "I think I'd like to get a dog so I can make more friends," "I think I'm going to start going to church... you don't have to believe in God to go to church, do you?"

These are all REAL comments that have been made.... these ones in the last year. I could give dozens and dozens more. Sometimes I think she just says things for attention and to be provocative, but I also wonder if she really BELIEVES these things that she says.

It really irritates me, because for someone who is always "dreaming," it feels like we're just talking about nothing - things that will never happen. I also am not a "dreamer" so when I first met her, I legitimately believed everything she said. My husband told me, "Words mean nothing when it comes to my parents. The only things that matter are their actions." And I actually find that kind of sad for him. But now I feel like I take literally nothing she says seriously. It's like the boy who cried wolf.