How to handle a very vocal dreamer/silly heart type person?

[Anonymous]

It’s a family member I see quite frequently this time of year with the holidays and many family birthdays that fall at the end of the year. I don’t know how else to describe them other than they are this silly heart who seems to fully LIVE in this delusional space where they believe these dreams they’ve made up about their life, because they never happen, yet they take up so much space in every conversation you engage in with them.

It could be as extreme as: Roger and I are talking about divorce, I’m going to find an apartment … to Wr are looking at houses in Puerto Rico to overwinter. You know Roger can work from anywhere so we are moving to PR … to as simple as I’ve been researching chinchillas and I’m getting one next week.

These things never EVER pan out. I made myself try to think of one before posting this that actually happened, and no. They are always tall tales or delusions/dreams.

I spend so much time, I feel wasted, seeming interested in these stories, going back and forth, asking questions, and for nothing. It makes ME feel crazy. I don’t think this person suffers from mental illness, maybe just a little unhappiness and definitely low self esteem.

How do you deal with this? How can I humor this person without feeling like I’m wasting energy?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't feign interest. I'd just say, Oh that sounds interesting. Have you tried Aunt Larla's new recipe? It's sooo good.

Basically, change the topic. Don't let yourself be held hostage to her monologue.

[Anonymous]

Why not just say hello how are you for five minutes and then move on to talking to someone else? Let the woman dream! It doesn't hurt anyone.

[Anonymous]

"I spend so much time, I feel wasted, seeming interested in these stories, going back and forth, asking questions, and for nothing. It makes ME feel crazy. I don’t think this person suffers from mental illness, maybe just a little unhappiness and definitely low self esteem."

Is it time you wouldn't spend talking with this person about other things? If you are spending the time anyways, does it really matter if it this, football you aren't interested in, movies you don't care for, or her neighbors you'd never know?

[Anonymous]

This is Aunt Pen from As Time Goes By!

[Anonymous]

This person isn’t asking you to research real estate in PR or develop a business plan for their new business venture. They Are taking. You can listen without being invested.

What do you talk about? Maybe your family member thinks you are boring, lack hopes and dreams, never take chances, and never try anything new. Maybe they are complaining about you that they dread seeing you because nothing in your boring life ever changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This person isn’t asking you to research real estate in PR or develop a business plan for their new business venture. They Are taking. You can listen without being invested.

What do you talk about? Maybe your family member thinks you are boring, lack hopes and dreams, never take chances, and never try anything new. Maybe they are complaining about you that they dread seeing you because nothing in your boring life ever changes.

Talking not taking. They are only taking what you are giving. Give less time and attention if it bugs you so much.

[Anonymous]

I would start by asking myself why it is important to me that people follow through on the stuff they tell me about, especially if it has no impact on me one way or another.

I can't think of someone I know just like this, but I can think of dozens and dozens of situations where a friend or family member told me they were thinking about or planning something and nothing came of it. This happens constantly. "Oh we're thinking about moving to the suburbs." A year later I ask "Oh, did anything come of that?" And they say "No, we changed our minds." It doesn't matter to me, it's their life. Maybe I ask them what made them change their mind or we have a conversation about what it turns out they like about their current neighborhood.

I get that this relative has more fanciful dreams than that, but honestly that sounds interesting to me. I could have a whole conversation with someone about why they are interested in moving to Puerto Rico or whether they've always dreamed of living in a tropical location. And then they could not move there but I would still find that conversation interesting and enjoyable.

What others do with their lives is up to them. If they want to make a bunch of plans and never follow through on them, that's honestly perfectly fine because it's their life not yours. There's any number of reasons a person might momentarily think about doing something and then decide against it.

[Anonymous]

What relation is she to you? MIL? More info is needed...

[Anonymous]

It's just the normal time you spend talking to relatives OP. I would not attach too much importance to it, it seems like this interaction personally offends you somehow and that's where I would start.

Stop taking this relative seriously, just listen to what they say and then move on and forget about it. Try to limit the time spent talking to them, if you can.

I would much rather have this situation than relative whoo ly talks about politics, or how racist they are, for example. I have nothing my family and would rather listen to someone talking about their daydreams.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would start by asking myself why it is important to me that people follow through on the stuff they tell me about, especially if it has no impact on me one way or another.

I can't think of someone I know just like this, but I can think of dozens and dozens of situations where a friend or family member told me they were thinking about or planning something and nothing came of it. This happens constantly. "Oh we're thinking about moving to the suburbs." A year later I ask "Oh, did anything come of that?" And they say "No, we changed our minds." It doesn't matter to me, it's their life. Maybe I ask them what made them change their mind or we have a conversation about what it turns out they like about their current neighborhood.

I get that this relative has more fanciful dreams than that, but honestly that sounds interesting to me. I could have a whole conversation with someone about why they are interested in moving to Puerto Rico or whether they've always dreamed of living in a tropical location. And then they could not move there but I would still find that conversation interesting and enjoyable.

What others do with their lives is up to them. If they want to make a bunch of plans and never follow through on them, that's honestly perfectly fine because it's their life not yours. There's any number of reasons a person might momentarily think about doing something and then decide against it.

This. Why does this bother you so much? I'd just listen, maybe get involved in the conversation if something about it was interesting, and then just forgetting about it, or maybe chuckling about Larla's latest flight of fancy. But most casual conversation with family at stuff like this isn't really all that important, anyway, right? Like, it's ALL kind of "for nothing" from my perspective. So who cares if it's about maybe moving to PR v. painting the garage? At least chinchillas are something different.

[Anonymous]

Nothing should be, someone...not sure why that happened!

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. I don’t know why I let it bother me so badly. Surely this person knows these are all pipe dreams, and they have to know others are on to the fact that these things never come to fruition. So they have to think we are crazy for feigning internet, right? It’s just bizarre to me.

But you’re all right. It doesn’t matter what we are talking about. (It’s just that it makes me feel foolish and I can’t articulate why!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I don’t know why I let it bother me so badly. Surely this person knows these are all pipe dreams, and they have to know others are on to the fact that these things never come to fruition. So they have to think we are crazy for feigning internet, right? It’s just bizarre to me.

But you’re all right. It doesn’t matter what we are talking about. (It’s just that it makes me feel foolish and I can’t articulate why!)

It's very possible this person does not care what you think of their random flights of fancy one way or another. Maybe try to be more like them and worry less about other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I don’t know why I let it bother me so badly. Surely this person knows these are all pipe dreams, and they have to know others are on to the fact that these things never come to fruition. So they have to think we are crazy for feigning internet, right? It’s just bizarre to me.

But you’re all right. It doesn’t matter what we are talking about. (It’s just that it makes me feel foolish and I can’t articulate why!)

No, they almost certainly don't think you're crazy. They might know they are pipe dreams and just enjoy the imagining. This might be their way of working through the possibilities.
Treat it like a game of let's pretend and stop worrying about whether or not they follow through.