I need to be more of a safety worrier

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re fine. I’m too much of a worrier and I’m convinced I’ve done harm by it and made my child timid. If I could go back I would do things very differently.

+1. My kids are still toddlers (2.5), but I’m worried (ha) that my constant anxious interference will affect them. I say “be careful!” about 100x a day, and am always saying no to things because it’s too high, too dirty, etc. How do I stop being like this? Serious question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m naturally not a worrier about safety related things. I don’t know why, just always been that way. I’ve realized with my kids I need to be more conscious of it, but it just doesn’t occur to me and even less so for dh. For example we took first day of school pics that were cute and our first family photos since having a new baby so I made if my fb pic. Almost 6wks later it occurred to me that pic has my kids name and school name on it and I pulled it down. Most of it isn’t social media related, I don’t post much on sm, just using that as an example of how something obviously unsafe flies right by me.

Any ideas of how to be a little bit more of a worrier about my kids safety? And before I get trashed I’m in no way a neglectful parent, I’m very involved, worry about their mental well-being, their diets, their happiness etc etc etc - this is just a weird area I don’t have the natural alarm instincts and am more like an 80s safety mindset

No one is stealing your children because you posted a pic on FB. It seems that you have no clue what the true dangers are to your children:

1. Family members and close family friends
2. Not wearing a helmet
3. Not wearing seat belt
4. Pools

This. You are talking about worrying over nonsense stuff

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re fine. I’m too much of a worrier and I’m convinced I’ve done harm by it and made my child timid. If I could go back I would do things very differently.

+1. My kids are still toddlers (2.5), but I’m worried (ha) that my constant anxious interference will affect them. I say “be careful!” about 100x a day, and am always saying no to things because it’s too high, too dirty, etc. How do I stop being like this? Serious question.

It’s hard pp! The number one thing that helped me was that I shouldn’t intervene or say be careful or anything like that unless literal life and limb is at stake. Your job is not to prevent a fall from the stool, or down a couple steps, those are small things that come from practice and provide learning. If it’s not going to risk life or limb try to stop yourself from saying anything, pause, and give your kid some time to figure it out. If you need to you can stay close to spot without saying anything but generally this rule has helped me a lot to not intervene as much. Remember to your child “be careful” is just anxiety and gently telling them “im not sure you can do this!”

It helped me to remember I want my kid to stick with things and feel confident they can do things, figure things out, and are capable. And I want them to know I have so much faith in their capability. And saying be careful or intervening because he might get a cut prevents the cut or the fall but it doesn’t actually serve my parenting goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re fine. I’m too much of a worrier and I’m convinced I’ve done harm by it and made my child timid. If I could go back I would do things very differently.

+1. My kids are still toddlers (2.5), but I’m worried (ha) that my constant anxious interference will affect them. I say “be careful!” about 100x a day, and am always saying no to things because it’s too high, too dirty, etc. How do I stop being like this? Serious question.

I give specifics rather than "be careful." So I'll say "duck your head" when they're backing out from under a table, for example. When they're running I say "Watch out for that mud puddle!" so they can avoid it. If something is high, I ask how it feels to be so high up (with a smile) as I hold onto them up on the counter. If they get dirty, that's life - dirt can be cleaned. We have three rules about dirt: 1. no shoes household 2. wash hands when you come in the house 3. food only eaten in the kitchen or dining room. Everything else can be cleaned up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m naturally not a worrier about safety related things. I don’t know why, just always been that way. I’ve realized with my kids I need to be more conscious of it, but it just doesn’t occur to me and even less so for dh. For example we took first day of school pics that were cute and our first family photos since having a new baby so I made if my fb pic. Almost 6wks later it occurred to me that pic has my kids name and school name on it and I pulled it down. Most of it isn’t social media related, I don’t post much on sm, just using that as an example of how something obviously unsafe flies right by me.

Any ideas of how to be a little bit more of a worrier about my kids safety? And before I get trashed I’m in no way a neglectful parent, I’m very involved, worry about their mental well-being, their diets, their happiness etc etc etc - this is just a weird area I don’t have the natural alarm instincts and am more like an 80s safety mindset

The chances of something bad happening because of the pictures are so remotely small that you're fine. You are likely confused because most people have really bad risk assessment and over worry about problems that have a vanishingly small likelihood of ever happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well today I told my kids to not dig through the food left behind by some raccoons or squirrels. Is that too anxious?

Why would your kid dig through garbage?

It was a bunch of acorns and seeds from nearby plants in a pile. Kids play with dirt and sticks and whatever while waiting around for parents at the park.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m naturally not a worrier about safety related things. I don’t know why, just always been that way. I’ve realized with my kids I need to be more conscious of it, but it just doesn’t occur to me and even less so for dh. For example we took first day of school pics that were cute and our first family photos since having a new baby so I made if my fb pic. Almost 6wks later it occurred to me that pic has my kids name and school name on it and I pulled it down. Most of it isn’t social media related, I don’t post much on sm, just using that as an example of how something obviously unsafe flies right by me.

Any ideas of how to be a little bit more of a worrier about my kids safety? And before I get trashed I’m in no way a neglectful parent, I’m very involved, worry about their mental well-being, their diets, their happiness etc etc etc - this is just a weird area I don’t have the natural alarm instincts and am more like an 80s safety mindset

No one is stealing your children because you posted a pic on FB. It seems that you have no clue what the true dangers are to your children:

1. Family members and close family friends
2. Not wearing a helmet
3. Not wearing seat belt
4. Pools

Unfortunately, guns is actually #1.

Number 1 for what? I hope you're not saying guns are the number 1 danger to kids (especially kids living in middle class and or suburban households) because that simply isn't true, at all. I'm completely pro gun control but this is misinformation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m naturally not a worrier about safety related things. I don’t know why, just always been that way. I’ve realized with my kids I need to be more conscious of it, but it just doesn’t occur to me and even less so for dh. For example we took first day of school pics that were cute and our first family photos since having a new baby so I made if my fb pic. Almost 6wks later it occurred to me that pic has my kids name and school name on it and I pulled it down. Most of it isn’t social media related, I don’t post much on sm, just using that as an example of how something obviously unsafe flies right by me.

Any ideas of how to be a little bit more of a worrier about my kids safety? And before I get trashed I’m in no way a neglectful parent, I’m very involved, worry about their mental well-being, their diets, their happiness etc etc etc - this is just a weird area I don’t have the natural alarm instincts and am more like an 80s safety mindset

No one is stealing your children because you posted a pic on FB. It seems that you have no clue what the true dangers are to your children:

1. Family members and close family friends
2. Not wearing a helmet
3. Not wearing seat belt
4. Pools

+1
I don’t understand the anxiety about social media posting? At our preschool a bunch of new parents signed things that their kids aren’t allowed in any photos. So now the staff has to make sure these kids are out of all photos even on thr things that are sent on thr intenal app to parents documenting the day. What do they think someone is going to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re fine. I’m too much of a worrier and I’m convinced I’ve done harm by it and made my child timid. If I could go back I would do things very differently.

+1. My kids are still toddlers (2.5), but I’m worried (ha) that my constant anxious interference will affect them. I say “be careful!” about 100x a day, and am always saying no to things because it’s too high, too dirty, etc. How do I stop being like this? Serious question.

I give specifics rather than "be careful." So I'll say "duck your head" when they're backing out from under a table, for example. When they're running I say "Watch out for that mud puddle!" so they can avoid it. If something is high, I ask how it feels to be so high up (with a smile) as I hold onto them up on the counter. If they get dirty, that's life - dirt can be cleaned. We have three rules about dirt: 1. no shoes household 2. wash hands when you come in the house 3. food only eaten in the kitchen or dining room. Everything else can be cleaned up.

I'm betting OP wouldn't think to mention those things to her kids. Like OP I occasionally wonder if I need to be more of a worrier, but I don't think so. It would never cross my mind to say "duck your head" when a kid is backing out from a table. If they hit their head - so what? It will hurt, but then they'll learn to be more careful, and also get improved spatial awareness. If they run through a mud puddle - so what? That's a wonderful childhood! Mud washes off. My kids weren't natural counter climbers, but I certainly never hovered at the playground.

DH and I had a guideline we'd try to remember: getting hurt is OK, getting injured isn't. So if they're doing something that might temporarily hurt - let them carry on! If they're doing something that can cause an injury, intervene.

[Anonymous]

Op here - some other examples that I’ve had people express horror over (to be clear this isn’t some weird “look how cool and relaxed I am” thing - I wish I did think through these things more
- letting my 2yo eat nuts and other similar snacks in the car (how would I know if he’d choked)
- letting them (4yo/2yo) run holding big sharp sticks
- letting them 3yo climb out of passenger side back of van before I was out of car. He started walking into parking lot
- letting 3yo scoot around a little park at the end of our block where I can’t see him (he loops around and comes back after a minute or 2, sometimes gets distracted by rocks or whatever, but I’d have no way of knowing if he just kept going in our very urban area)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - some other examples that I’ve had people express horror over (to be clear this isn’t some weird “look how cool and relaxed I am” thing - I wish I did think through these things more
- letting my 2yo eat nuts and other similar snacks in the car (how would I know if he’d choked)
- letting them (4yo/2yo) run holding big sharp sticks
- letting them 3yo climb out of passenger side back of van before I was out of car. He started walking into parking lot
- letting 3yo scoot around a little park at the end of our block where I can’t see him (he loops around and comes back after a minute or 2, sometimes gets distracted by rocks or whatever, but I’d have no way of knowing if he just kept going in our very urban area)

also as another example, my now 5yo ran into one of his K classmates the second week of school at soccer. we are new to the school and i'd never met the kid or family. the kids started talking about a playdate and it didn't work out that day schedule wise but i would have 100% let him go have a drop off playdate at their house that day where i'd just met the parents and only talked to them for 5 min. My sister was absolutely horrified that i'd essentially send my 5yos to a total strangers house. and yes, now that i think through it that does seem risky...but worries like that just don't occur to me. my thought is "oh this is so great he's making a new friend at his school where my worry was he'd struggle....yay....lets get the playdate scheduled asap!!!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m naturally not a worrier about safety related things. I don’t know why, just always been that way. I’ve realized with my kids I need to be more conscious of it, but it just doesn’t occur to me and even less so for dh. For example we took first day of school pics that were cute and our first family photos since having a new baby so I made if my fb pic. Almost 6wks later it occurred to me that pic has my kids name and school name on it and I pulled it down. Most of it isn’t social media related, I don’t post much on sm, just using that as an example of how something obviously unsafe flies right by me.

Any ideas of how to be a little bit more of a worrier about my kids safety? And before I get trashed I’m in no way a neglectful parent, I’m very involved, worry about their mental well-being, their diets, their happiness etc etc etc - this is just a weird area I don’t have the natural alarm instincts and am more like an 80s safety mindset

No one is stealing your children because you posted a pic on FB. It seems that you have no clue what the true dangers are to your children:

1. Family members and close family friends
2. Not wearing a helmet
3. Not wearing seat belt
4. Pools

Unfortunately, guns is actually #1.

Number 1 for what? I hope you're not saying guns are the number 1 danger to kids (especially kids living in middle class and or suburban households) because that simply isn't true, at all. I'm completely pro gun control but this is misinformation.

NP. For ages 1-19, yes. not what I would have guessed. I assume for younger kids it's drowning and car accidents and for older kids it shootings and car accidents.
https://www.kff.org/global-health-policy/issue-brief/child-and-teen-firearm-mortality-in-the-u-s-and-peer-countries/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - some other examples that I’ve had people express horror over (to be clear this isn’t some weird “look how cool and relaxed I am” thing - I wish I did think through these things more
- letting my 2yo eat nuts and other similar snacks in the car (how would I know if he’d choked)
- letting them (4yo/2yo) run holding big sharp sticks
- letting them 3yo climb out of passenger side back of van before I was out of car. He started walking into parking lot
- letting 3yo scoot around a little park at the end of our block where I can’t see him (he loops around and comes back after a minute or 2, sometimes gets distracted by rocks or whatever, but I’d have no way of knowing if he just kept going in our very urban area)

also as another example, my now 5yo ran into one of his K classmates the second week of school at soccer. we are new to the school and i'd never met the kid or family. the kids started talking about a playdate and it didn't work out that day schedule wise but i would have 100% let him go have a drop off playdate at their house that day where i'd just met the parents and only talked to them for 5 min. My sister was absolutely horrified that i'd essentially send my 5yos to a total strangers house. and yes, now that i think through it that does seem risky...but worries like that just don't occur to me. my thought is "oh this is so great he's making a new friend at his school where my worry was he'd struggle....yay....lets get the playdate scheduled asap!!!"

I don't know how you become more paranoid I do have friends who I think are overly lax, for example: not thinking it was a big deal that their 3 year old wandered off and climed into their car on a hot afternoon-they realized where he was about 10 minutes later. They just laughed it off but all I could think about was what if the kid had fallen asleep and then overheated. Kid under 5 swimming in a lake pretty far out with a parent watching from the shore. Same kid fooling around near a big pot of boiling water at a cookout. Maybe you just need to take a minute and think about what could go wrong and then about likelihood. I think many of us are too nervous but it's all about balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well today I told my kids to not dig through the food left behind by some raccoons or squirrels. Is that too anxious?

Why would your kid dig through garbage?

It was a bunch of acorns and seeds from nearby plants in a pile. Kids play with dirt and sticks and whatever while waiting around for parents at the park.

So..you think your kid of going to get rabies from touch an acorn a squirrel may have had contact with?

Op^ and this to your list of things not to worry about

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - some other examples that I’ve had people express horror over (to be clear this isn’t some weird “look how cool and relaxed I am” thing - I wish I did think through these things more
- letting my 2yo eat nuts and other similar snacks in the car (how would I know if he’d choked)
- letting them (4yo/2yo) run holding big sharp sticks
- letting them 3yo climb out of passenger side back of van before I was out of car. He started walking into parking lot
- letting 3yo scoot around a little park at the end of our block where I can’t see him (he loops around and comes back after a minute or 2, sometimes gets distracted by rocks or whatever, but I’d have no way of knowing if he just kept going in our very urban area)

also as another example, my now 5yo ran into one of his K classmates the second week of school at soccer. we are new to the school and i'd never met the kid or family. the kids started talking about a playdate and it didn't work out that day schedule wise but i would have 100% let him go have a drop off playdate at their house that day where i'd just met the parents and only talked to them for 5 min. My sister was absolutely horrified that i'd essentially send my 5yos to a total strangers house. and yes, now that i think through it that does seem risky...but worries like that just don't occur to me. my thought is "oh this is so great he's making a new friend at his school where my worry was he'd struggle....yay....lets get the playdate scheduled asap!!!"

I don't know how you become more paranoid I do have friends who I think are overly lax, for example: not thinking it was a big deal that their 3 year old wandered off and climed into their car on a hot afternoon-they realized where he was about 10 minutes later. They just laughed it off but all I could think about was what if the kid had fallen asleep and then overheated. Kid under 5 swimming in a lake pretty far out with a parent watching from the shore. Same kid fooling around near a big pot of boiling water at a cookout. Maybe you just need to take a minute and think about what could go wrong and then about likelihood. I think many of us are too nervous but it's all about balance.

I think it’s also knowing your kid. My 2yo can get half a block from me in the city and climb 2-3 times her height at the playground and I don’t blink because I know she’s safe in both scenarios. I would stay much closer to a same age child I was babysitting.