Caught my mom smoking in her apartment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is in her 80s and been a life long smoker. She is going to keep smoking. Your expectations don't seem aligned with reality. She is addicted and will keep smoking. Focus on harm reduction and figure out how she can safely smoke in her space.

Whoever encouraged or supported her in moving into a non smoking environment is partly to blame.

I have zero expectations that she’s going to quit and at this point don’t want her to. I just want her to quit smoking in her apartment. She lived in two condos prior to this and had no issues smoking outside. And she smoked outside at this place until about two weeks ago. I visit her frequently enough to know. I’m just not sure how to handle this new development.

And for anyone who has dealt with an elderly family member who has signs of dementia, the relationship does flip from parent/ child to child/parent. So I did “catch” her and she denied and denied like a child. I’m just trying to navigate this new situation.

Is there a way to keep her cigarettes at a front desk? So, she has to go to the desk, take the one or two she's going to smoke, and take them outside? Her judgement and impulse control are declining, so the cigarettes themselves have to be doled out and policed.

OP said there isn't smoking allowed anywhere on the grounds, but that they "turn a blind eye" to it happening in the parking lot. If the staff is actually doling out the cigarettes, they won't be able to "turn a blind eye" anymore.

oops, missed that part. I don't think this living situation is good unless she's able to substitute a vape and you take all of her cigarettes and lighter. Again, my family member is elderly, cognitively impaired and completely addicted from a lifetime spent smoking. If she has a cigarette she'll light it no matter the danger. Addiction.

[Anonymous]

Tell her they are getting rid of cigarettes and that vapes are the substitute. Win-win. She won’t quit now. And it’s hard to find smoking friendly housing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is in her 80s and been a life long smoker. She is going to keep smoking. Your expectations don't seem aligned with reality. She is addicted and will keep smoking. Focus on harm reduction and figure out how she can safely smoke in her space.

Whoever encouraged or supported her in moving into a non smoking environment is partly to blame.

I have zero expectations that she’s going to quit and at this point don’t want her to. I just want her to quit smoking in her apartment. She lived in two condos prior to this and had no issues smoking outside. And she smoked outside at this place until about two weeks ago. I visit her frequently enough to know. I’m just not sure how to handle this new development.

And for anyone who has dealt with an elderly family member who has signs of dementia, the relationship does flip from parent/ child to child/parent. So I did “catch” her and she denied and denied like a child. I’m just trying to navigate this new situation.

Is there a way to keep her cigarettes at a front desk? So, she has to go to the desk, take the one or two she's going to smoke, and take them outside? Her judgement and impulse control are declining, so the cigarettes themselves have to be doled out and policed.

OP said there isn't smoking allowed anywhere on the grounds, but that they "turn a blind eye" to it happening in the parking lot. If the staff is actually doling out the cigarettes, they won't be able to "turn a blind eye" anymore.

Honestly I may broach it with them and this is a great potential alternative. Because she can just walk off the grounds (it’s not a huge place, the public street isn’t far). I may try that route first. Thanks for the suggestion.

My son tried to explain vaping to her a few years ago, bought her a vape to try and she was lost. She doesn’t do “technology” well. And smoking is her thing- she put off knee surgery for 10 years because she didn’t want to go a day or two without a cigarette. It’s controlled every aspect of her life my entire life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is in her 80s and been a life long smoker. She is going to keep smoking. Your expectations don't seem aligned with reality. She is addicted and will keep smoking. Focus on harm reduction and figure out how she can safely smoke in her space.

Whoever encouraged or supported her in moving into a non smoking environment is partly to blame.

I have zero expectations that she’s going to quit and at this point don’t want her to. I just want her to quit smoking in her apartment. She lived in two condos prior to this and had no issues smoking outside. And she smoked outside at this place until about two weeks ago. I visit her frequently enough to know. I’m just not sure how to handle this new development.

And for anyone who has dealt with an elderly family member who has signs of dementia, the relationship does flip from parent/ child to child/parent. So I did “catch” her and she denied and denied like a child. I’m just trying to navigate this new situation.

Is there a way to keep her cigarettes at a front desk? So, she has to go to the desk, take the one or two she's going to smoke, and take them outside? Her judgement and impulse control are declining, so the cigarettes themselves have to be doled out and policed.

OP said there isn't smoking allowed anywhere on the grounds, but that they "turn a blind eye" to it happening in the parking lot. If the staff is actually doling out the cigarettes, they won't be able to "turn a blind eye" anymore.

Honestly I may broach it with them and this is a great potential alternative. Because she can just walk off the grounds (it’s not a huge place, the public street isn’t far). I may try that route first. Thanks for the suggestion.

My son tried to explain vaping to her a few years ago, bought her a vape to try and she was lost. She doesn’t do “technology” well. And smoking is her thing- she put off knee surgery for 10 years because she didn’t want to go a day or two without a cigarette. It’s controlled every aspect of her life my entire life.

pp here- I have a son with ADHD and when he was younger I had to straight up limit access to screen, tech, etc. because his impulse control and judgement were so bad with these devices (arguing, not getting important things done, etc). The consequences could be 100 times worse than the five minutes of video games before he got "caught" and he would still do it. Until we gave him medication and his brain matured, keeping control of this stuff was the only solution...a long way of saying that "talking to your mom and explaining why she shouldn't be smoking in her apartment will never, ever work." It's a brain issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is in her 80s and been a life long smoker. She is going to keep smoking. Your expectations don't seem aligned with reality. She is addicted and will keep smoking. Focus on harm reduction and figure out how she can safely smoke in her space.

Whoever encouraged or supported her in moving into a non smoking environment is partly to blame.

I have zero expectations that she’s going to quit and at this point don’t want her to. I just want her to quit smoking in her apartment. She lived in two condos prior to this and had no issues smoking outside. And she smoked outside at this place until about two weeks ago. I visit her frequently enough to know. I’m just not sure how to handle this new development.

And for anyone who has dealt with an elderly family member who has signs of dementia, the relationship does flip from parent/ child to child/parent. So I did “catch” her and she denied and denied like a child. I’m just trying to navigate this new situation.

Is there a way to keep her cigarettes at a front desk? So, she has to go to the desk, take the one or two she's going to smoke, and take them outside? Her judgement and impulse control are declining, so the cigarettes themselves have to be doled out and policed.

OP said there isn't smoking allowed anywhere on the grounds, but that they "turn a blind eye" to it happening in the parking lot. If the staff is actually doling out the cigarettes, they won't be able to "turn a blind eye" anymore.

Honestly I may broach it with them and this is a great potential alternative. Because she can just walk off the grounds (it’s not a huge place, the public street isn’t far). I may try that route first. Thanks for the suggestion.

My son tried to explain vaping to her a few years ago, bought her a vape to try and she was lost. She doesn’t do “technology” well. And smoking is her thing- she put off knee surgery for 10 years because she didn’t want to go a day or two without a cigarette. It’s controlled every aspect of her life my entire life.

pp here- I have a son with ADHD and when he was younger I had to straight up limit access to screen, tech, etc. because his impulse control and judgement were so bad with these devices (arguing, not getting important things done, etc). The consequences could be 100 times worse than the five minutes of video games before he got "caught" and he would still do it. Until we gave him medication and his brain matured, keeping control of this stuff was the only solution...a long way of saying that "talking to your mom and explaining why she shouldn't be smoking in her apartment will never, ever work." It's a brain issue.

Thanks for the perspective! It’s just so hard to navigate. We’re in the neurological testing phase to see if there’s anything that can help on that front.

[Anonymous]

Buy her Njoy rich tobacco daily vapes at 7-11. Get her off cigarettes. Then, go from there. They sell On! nicotine pouches there too. She can try 4mg citrus. Front of mouth to avoid hiccups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is in her 80s and been a life long smoker. She is going to keep smoking. Your expectations don't seem aligned with reality. She is addicted and will keep smoking. Focus on harm reduction and figure out how she can safely smoke in her space.

Whoever encouraged or supported her in moving into a non smoking environment is partly to blame.

I have zero expectations that she’s going to quit and at this point don’t want her to. I just want her to quit smoking in her apartment. She lived in two condos prior to this and had no issues smoking outside. And she smoked outside at this place until about two weeks ago. I visit her frequently enough to know. I’m just not sure how to handle this new development.

And for anyone who has dealt with an elderly family member who has signs of dementia, the relationship does flip from parent/ child to child/parent. So I did “catch” her and she denied and denied like a child. I’m just trying to navigate this new situation.

Is there a way to keep her cigarettes at a front desk? So, she has to go to the desk, take the one or two she's going to smoke, and take them outside? Her judgement and impulse control are declining, so the cigarettes themselves have to be doled out and policed.

OP said there isn't smoking allowed anywhere on the grounds, but that they "turn a blind eye" to it happening in the parking lot. If the staff is actually doling out the cigarettes, they won't be able to "turn a blind eye" anymore.

Honestly I may broach it with them and this is a great potential alternative. Because she can just walk off the grounds (it’s not a huge place, the public street isn’t far). I may try that route first. Thanks for the suggestion.

My son tried to explain vaping to her a few years ago, bought her a vape to try and she was lost. She doesn’t do “technology” well. And smoking is her thing- she put off knee surgery for 10 years because she didn’t want to go a day or two without a cigarette. It’s controlled every aspect of her life my entire life.

pp here- I have a son with ADHD and when he was younger I had to straight up limit access to screen, tech, etc. because his impulse control and judgement were so bad with these devices (arguing, not getting important things done, etc). The consequences could be 100 times worse than the five minutes of video games before he got "caught" and he would still do it. Until we gave him medication and his brain matured, keeping control of this stuff was the only solution...a long way of saying that "talking to your mom and explaining why she shouldn't be smoking in her apartment will never, ever work." It's a brain issue.

Thanks for the perspective! It’s just so hard to navigate. We’re in the neurological testing phase to see if there’s anything that can help on that front.

Best of luck. This is really hard.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't the vaping vapor smell, too? I walked by a guy vaping and was surprised that is smelled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't the vaping vapor smell, too? I walked by a guy vaping and was surprised that is smelled.

Maybe 1/20th of what a cigarette smells like. Plus there's no fire risk.

[Anonymous]

My wife runs IL programs and nursing homes. You have no idea how many people get kicked out due to smoking. It’s no joke. And there are few if any that allow smoking. The only suggestions I have are a different living arrangement or try to find someplace where she can smoke. Maybe her doctor can give her something to help ease the withdrawal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is in her 80s and been a life long smoker. She is going to keep smoking. Your expectations don't seem aligned with reality. She is addicted and will keep smoking. Focus on harm reduction and figure out how she can safely smoke in her space.

Whoever encouraged or supported her in moving into a non smoking environment is partly to blame.

[/quote

+1 We have neighbors who smoke in our non-smoking building all the time. If you complain, they just spray a huge amount of Febreeze. They are so disgusting. Smoking and breaking the rules and lying about it all seem intertwined to me.

If you smoke, don't move into a no-smoking building. Yes, there will be rainy days. Yes, you will wake up in the middle of the night and need to smoke. Yes, it will be freezing cold for long stretches of time. When those things happen, going outside to smoke will seem like a PITA. That does not making smoking inside a non-smoking building, spraying a massive amount of Febreeze and then lying about it all acceptable.

Your mom can get evicted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is in her 80s and been a life long smoker. She is going to keep smoking. Your expectations don't seem aligned with reality. She is addicted and will keep smoking. Focus on harm reduction and figure out how she can safely smoke in her space.

Whoever encouraged or supported her in moving into a non smoking environment is partly to blame.

+1 We have neighbors who smoke in our non-smoking building all the time. If you complain, they just spray a huge amount of Febreeze. They are so disgusting. Smoking and breaking the rules and lying about it all seem intertwined to me.

If you smoke, don't move into a no-smoking building. Yes, there will be rainy days. Yes, you will wake up in the middle of the night and need to smoke. Yes, it will be freezing cold for long stretches of time. When those things happen, going outside to smoke will seem like a PITA. That does not making smoking inside a non-smoking building, spraying a massive amount of Febreeze and then lying about it all acceptable.

Your mom can get evicted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't the vaping vapor smell, too? I walked by a guy vaping and was surprised that is smelled.

Maybe 1/20th of what a cigarette smells like. Plus there's no fire risk.

Vaping smells really, really nasty. Also it's a lot easier for it to travel for some reason. Have you not seen those huge plumes of "vapor" that they blow out?

Vaping is also not okay for people who want to live a healthy life. It's not fair to subject people to that.

[Anonymous]

Where is she getting the cigarettes?

Can you ask the home to cooperate and cut off her access?

Put in a smoke detector and show her it will go off if she does not smoke outside?

Actually, it is a very powerful addiction, so I suggest you work with a doctor to put her on the nicotine patch.

But then restrict her access to cigarettes, Tell the home it is a safety concern.

[Anonymous]

She's an adult and she should live somewhere where she can smoke. Your idea of finding a house where she can smoke is a good one. You might also need to hire an aide to be there with her most or all of the time. When my mom was 90 and dying of cancer we had the aide, or whichever one of us who was caring for her, dole out the cigarettes and watch while she smoked them sitting on the side of her bed. There are solutions that don't involve treating her like she has no autonomy.