Caught my mom smoking in her apartment

[Anonymous]

My mom is 80 and lives in one of those independent living apartment buildings. She’s been a smoker longer than I’ve been alive and she knew moving in that smoking was prohibited not just in the building but on the grounds. They turn a blind eye to people smoking in the parking lot and that’s where she’s been taking her cigarette breaks. I caught evidence of her smoking on her balcony a few months ago and we had a talk (god I hate being the parent to my parent). But about two weeks ago I walked into her apartment and could smell that she’d been smoking in it. She had closed her laundry room door and as soon as I got close it was apparent. I lost it and had a 15 minute conversation with her about the dangers and how she’s liable to burn the place down and how if she was caught she’d have to move again because they wouldn’t let her stay. I’ve moved her three times in four years but this is where she is supposed to be for the duration.

I thought I’d gotten through to her but a few days ago (the next time I visited) I could smell smoke again. She denied and denied and said someone was probably in the storage room next to her apartment smoking and she continued to deny it I went to use her bathroom and saw ashes in her shower. Once confronted with evidence she admitted it.

I don’t know what to do. She has some cognitive decline and I’m terrified she’s going to burn the place to the ground. We talked again at length (I was PISSED) and she purports to understand the seriousness but she’s also a selfish a-hole most of the time so who knows. I told her next time I catch her smoking in the apartment I’m going to use her money to buy her a house somewhere for her to smoke to her hearts content but not put anyone else at risk, hire someone to cook her meals and be done with it. Because I don’t want her putting others at risk.

Has anyone dealt with anything similar? I’m at my wits end with this woman.

[Anonymous]

Obviously she's going to keep smoking in her house. Can you help her find a way to do it without causing danger to others?

It's stupid to think that an 80 year old is going to change their ways. Stop your futile efforts to make her stop, stop acting like her po (caught her!) and figure out where and how she can smoke. Not the parking lot, because she's shown you several times that isn't the solution. Maybe a place with a balcony?

[Anonymous]

She is in her 80s and been a life long smoker. She is going to keep smoking. Your expectations don't seem aligned with reality. She is addicted and will keep smoking. Focus on harm reduction and figure out how she can safely smoke in her space.

Whoever encouraged or supported her in moving into a non smoking environment is partly to blame.

[Anonymous]

Obviously OP - get her a vape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously she's going to keep smoking in her house. Can you help her find a way to do it without causing danger to others?

It's stupid to think that an 80 year old is going to change their ways. Stop your futile efforts to make her stop, stop acting like her po (caught her!) and figure out where and how she can smoke. Not the parking lot, because she's shown you several times that isn't the solution. Maybe a place with a balcony?

NP here
OP mentioned that her mom's apartment has a balcony already. If someone catches her, she could be kicked out. I know if I lived in a non-smoking building, and my neighbor was on the balcony smoking (therefore interfering with MY enjoyment of my balcony) I'd be raising hell with management.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously OP - get her a vape.

I'm not a smoker, but would this work? It seems like a safer solution. I have a family member who is so addicted to cigarettes that she can't go into assisted living. She would lose her mind if she couldn't smoke- she's been smoking for nearly 70 years.

[Anonymous]

Go ahead and use her money to get her the small house. That sounds like a solution not a threat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is in her 80s and been a life long smoker. She is going to keep smoking. Your expectations don't seem aligned with reality. She is addicted and will keep smoking. Focus on harm reduction and figure out how she can safely smoke in her space.

Whoever encouraged or supported her in moving into a non smoking environment is partly to blame.

I have zero expectations that she’s going to quit and at this point don’t want her to. I just want her to quit smoking in her apartment. She lived in two condos prior to this and had no issues smoking outside. And she smoked outside at this place until about two weeks ago. I visit her frequently enough to know. I’m just not sure how to handle this new development.

And for anyone who has dealt with an elderly family member who has signs of dementia, the relationship does flip from parent/ child to child/parent. So I did “catch” her and she denied and denied like a child. I’m just trying to navigate this new situation.

[Anonymous]

Serious question - why did you move her to a place with so many restrictions? Or are they all like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously OP - get her a vape.

I'm not a smoker, but would this work? It seems like a safer solution. I have a family member who is so addicted to cigarettes that she can't go into assisted living. She would lose her mind if she couldn't smoke- she's been smoking for nearly 70 years.

It definitely can work and it's worth trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is in her 80s and been a life long smoker. She is going to keep smoking. Your expectations don't seem aligned with reality. She is addicted and will keep smoking. Focus on harm reduction and figure out how she can safely smoke in her space.

Whoever encouraged or supported her in moving into a non smoking environment is partly to blame.

I have zero expectations that she’s going to quit and at this point don’t want her to. I just want her to quit smoking in her apartment. She lived in two condos prior to this and had no issues smoking outside. And she smoked outside at this place until about two weeks ago. I visit her frequently enough to know. I’m just not sure how to handle this new development.

And for anyone who has dealt with an elderly family member who has signs of dementia, the relationship does flip from parent/ child to child/parent. So I did “catch” her and she denied and denied like a child. I’m just trying to navigate this new situation.

Is there a way to keep her cigarettes at a front desk? So, she has to go to the desk, take the one or two she's going to smoke, and take them outside? Her judgement and impulse control are declining, so the cigarettes themselves have to be doled out and policed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is in her 80s and been a life long smoker. She is going to keep smoking. Your expectations don't seem aligned with reality. She is addicted and will keep smoking. Focus on harm reduction and figure out how she can safely smoke in her space.

Whoever encouraged or supported her in moving into a non smoking environment is partly to blame.

I have zero expectations that she’s going to quit and at this point don’t want her to. I just want her to quit smoking in her apartment. She lived in two condos prior to this and had no issues smoking outside. And she smoked outside at this place until about two weeks ago. I visit her frequently enough to know. I’m just not sure how to handle this new development.

And for anyone who has dealt with an elderly family member who has signs of dementia, the relationship does flip from parent/ child to child/parent. So I did “catch” her and she denied and denied like a child. I’m just trying to navigate this new situation.

Is there a way to keep her cigarettes at a front desk? So, she has to go to the desk, take the one or two she's going to smoke, and take them outside? Her judgement and impulse control are declining, so the cigarettes themselves have to be doled out and policed.

...and the lighter/matches too, so she doesn't try to pull a fast one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question - why did you move her to a place with so many restrictions? Or are they all like that?

Most places are no smoking. Because of the risks of secondhand smoke, but also people with cognitive decline leave lit cigarettes around and start fires, which is a problem because residents can’t move quickly.

My grandfather snuck a cigar to my great grandma in her memory ward. She burned down a wing of the nursing home but no one was hurt (luckily and no thanks to them).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is in her 80s and been a life long smoker. She is going to keep smoking. Your expectations don't seem aligned with reality. She is addicted and will keep smoking. Focus on harm reduction and figure out how she can safely smoke in her space.

Whoever encouraged or supported her in moving into a non smoking environment is partly to blame.

I have zero expectations that she’s going to quit and at this point don’t want her to. I just want her to quit smoking in her apartment. She lived in two condos prior to this and had no issues smoking outside. And she smoked outside at this place until about two weeks ago. I visit her frequently enough to know. I’m just not sure how to handle this new development.

And for anyone who has dealt with an elderly family member who has signs of dementia, the relationship does flip from parent/ child to child/parent. So I did “catch” her and she denied and denied like a child. I’m just trying to navigate this new situation.

She won’t go to the parking lot. Either it’s physically too much; she forgets she is supposed to; or she just doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter bc she won’t do it. Faced with that reality, what is your move? I don’t think independent living will work if she is in cognitive decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is in her 80s and been a life long smoker. She is going to keep smoking. Your expectations don't seem aligned with reality. She is addicted and will keep smoking. Focus on harm reduction and figure out how she can safely smoke in her space.

Whoever encouraged or supported her in moving into a non smoking environment is partly to blame.

I have zero expectations that she’s going to quit and at this point don’t want her to. I just want her to quit smoking in her apartment. She lived in two condos prior to this and had no issues smoking outside. And she smoked outside at this place until about two weeks ago. I visit her frequently enough to know. I’m just not sure how to handle this new development.

And for anyone who has dealt with an elderly family member who has signs of dementia, the relationship does flip from parent/ child to child/parent. So I did “catch” her and she denied and denied like a child. I’m just trying to navigate this new situation.

Is there a way to keep her cigarettes at a front desk? So, she has to go to the desk, take the one or two she's going to smoke, and take them outside? Her judgement and impulse control are declining, so the cigarettes themselves have to be doled out and policed.

OP said there isn't smoking allowed anywhere on the grounds, but that they "turn a blind eye" to it happening in the parking lot. If the staff is actually doling out the cigarettes, they won't be able to "turn a blind eye" anymore.