Any one's spouse think that kid do not need activities other than school?

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like a “my way or the highway” type of person. Is he offering to let you sleep in on the weekend until 11 too? Is he supportive of your friendships, to the point that he would allow you to host a bbq or some other social engagement, if that’s what you want? If your child wants to try a sport, even if it’s not his thing, is he preventing it? Why does he get to determine everything, rather than work with you as a team to accommodate the social and extracurricular interests of everyone in the household?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds nice. Appreciate what you have.

It sounds to me like she has a lazy DH who does little with his kids. She mentions that he doesn't play with the kids and he sleeps in. He doesn't plan activities on the weekend for the family to do. I would read that as she is picking up caring for the kids and planning things while he is not doing anything.

I would not appreciate that in the least bit.

There is this thing called balance. You can let each kid choose one activity so that they have something that they enjoy doing outside of school. But the idea that the kids are chill at home while Dad doesn't sound like the reality.

She does say that he reads with them, plays games with them, and takes them to the playground in the afternoon (he prefers not to go in the morning because he likes to sleep in). It sounds to me like it would be relatively easy for her to strike a balance with him by taking kids to morning activities of her choosing, since that's important to her, and then having him do dedicated "dad time" to play and read with the kids in the afternoon while she does her own thing. Then dinner together as a family for togetherness time.

It's okay for parents to have slightly different priorities with their kids, and probably good for the kids in the long run. With multiple kids, you might wind up with one who loves planned activities and being social, and one who likes staying home and doing more solitary stuff. Neither is better than the other and this way their kids get exposed to both and can gravitate to what they want. There are plenty of people who value getting extra sleep, relaxing and reading, and just focusing on family on the weekends. It doesn't make them lazy -- they are doing things they value. Not everyone wants to spend their entire weekend hanging with friends and playing sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Are your kids asking for more planned activities? If so, maybe let them choose one each.

2. There should be some parties and playdates but it's reasonable to put a cap on how many for family sanity.

3. I don't get the point of your last paragraph. You're mad your husband wants to play boardgames/read books/take the kids to the playground rather than play specific sports with them? If you think it's important that they play those sports, i guess you'll have to teach them yourself.

I mean, the other option is to enroll them in a rec sport.

[Anonymous]

I think that it is important for your kids to get swim lessons and to do an activity that they choose and have an interest in. It doesn’t need to be a sport, but how will they know what they like if they are never exposed to anything outside of school, the grocery store, and the playground? I understand rejecting extracurriculars as too much of a drain on family time, but agree with others that the avoidance of playdates and parties suggests something bigger is at work. The sleeping until 11 also raises a red flag for me. I’m curious if he has a typical bedtime or stays up late on a computer or phone, and I’m curious about his playground behavior- is he participating and observing, or is he on his phone?

Your DH sounds either anxious and introverted to an extreme degree, or someone with undiagnosed autism/HFA (what used to be called Asperger’s). That would also explain the high sleep needs, which is something that people struggling with either diagnosis sometimes have because of the social/organizational demands of the workplace.

If you suspect that your DH is driving this family culture to suit an undiagnosed issue, I would intervene. Your kids will become increasingly isolated and cutoff from social support and their school community, and they will also miss key opportunities for their development if you don’t compensate for your DH.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Well, I say yes to all playdate or birthday invites if I can, and I am the one taking the kid to attend, and he can stay home with the other kid.

Kids wake up early on weekends (same schedule as weekdays) and the most I can do is telling them not to bug me till 8am on weekend. They have a lot of energy, and the weekday schedule (7am to 6pm) do not exhaust them at all. They need to eat breakfast and they want to do something.

I go against his weekend family time wishes, so he does not want to do much with kids later on for the rest of day because I "ruin" his plan. A lot of time, I cannot make it to home by noon to start his weekend family time plan because I sometimes take them to playdate/parties/festival/events/playground in the morning and seasonal swimming/soccer/dance class and they last past noon.

I don't understand, even though I come back home at 1pm, why can't he still continue his weekend family plan? Instead, he would rather do his own thing because he says I already overschedule kids and they need down time which is they play by themselves. And, that also mean I give them ipad/computer (I used up my energy in the morning) or I take them to backyard to play if I still have any energy. He also let kids to choose they want to do for down down which is either play boardgame or play computer/ipad, of course kids would pick computer/ipad. And, that means he could sleep in till 11am, and we come home late then he can does his own things because he says kids do not want him or need him.

[Anonymous]

OP, I posted ideas above, but now I see that you are taking initiative to get the kids out and your DH is basically expecting you to hand happy, content kids to him for 5 hours on a weekend afternoon and that he expects the kids to do what he likes to do. And otherwise he brushes them off and sends them away for screen time.

I think you might be in a situation where you are isolated from other families or even your own extended family. And maybe you and your DH grew up in another country, so you have some cultural baggage, too. I’m going to say what a friend would say: your DH is being controlling and excessively rigid. He is only happy with family time on his terms. His expectations are not normal.

Your DH is not going to be receptive to you saying that things should be different. It’s unfortunately on you to either leave him, since you are essentially parenting on your own anyway, or continue what you’re doing to enrich your children’s lives. Do not keep them from doing fun things on a Saturday morning or cancel playdates just so they will be bored enough to go along with your husband’s afternoon plans. That’s crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well, I say yes to all playdate or birthday invites if I can, and I am the one taking the kid to attend, and he can stay home with the other kid.

Kids wake up early on weekends (same schedule as weekdays) and the most I can do is telling them not to bug me till 8am on weekend. They have a lot of energy, and the weekday schedule (7am to 6pm) do not exhaust them at all. They need to eat breakfast and they want to do something.

I go against his weekend family time wishes, so he does not want to do much with kids later on for the rest of day because I "ruin" his plan. A lot of time, I cannot make it to home by noon to start his weekend family time plan because I sometimes take them to playdate/parties/festival/events/playground in the morning and seasonal swimming/soccer/dance class and they last past noon.

I don't understand, even though I come back home at 1pm, why can't he still continue his weekend family plan? Instead, he would rather do his own thing because he says I already overschedule kids and they need down time which is they play by themselves. And, that also mean I give them ipad/computer (I used up my energy in the morning) or I take them to backyard to play if I still have any energy. He also let kids to choose they want to do for down down which is either play boardgame or play computer/ipad, of course kids would pick computer/ipad. And, that means he could sleep in till 11am, and we come home late then he can does his own things because he says kids do not want him or need him.

Okay, I posted above trying to better understand why this was a problem. The problem is not the lack of organized activities, the problem is that your husband is being a jerk. Talk to him about how you both need downtime on the weekends and if you're in charge of mornings (which doesn't seem fair unless you're a morning person yourself) he needs to be in charge of afternoons. Nothing wrong with lazy weekend afternoons with Dad if that's how he wants to do it but he is in charge and you get to nap/do things for yourself/go out/whatever. Do you have a family policy on screens? I wouldn't want my kids on computer/ipads all afternoon every afternoon (especially if they're used to high energy aftercare during the week) so maybe set an hour or something and then they have to get off -- up to him if they go to the playground to run off energy or play at home or whatever. But again: he's still in charge. You can all do his version of "family time" all of your together after dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH thinks that our kids do not really need to go to playdate, parties, classes etc since they have beforecare + school + aftercare (7am to 6pm Mon to Fri). He does not think they need any other planned activities, and weekend is supposed to be family time. And, his family time meaning kids playing with themselves on weekend morning and he is sleeping till 11am , and we family may go out to eat lunch or do grocery shopping/playground afterwards.


I have never seen him playing any sports (basketball, soccer or swimming etc) with our kids, and he says because it is because he does not care about those sports. However, he is willing to read them some books, play board game with them, take them to playground in the afternoon (because he is not a morning person), or we all watch family movie together. He calls this family time.

I agree with your husband. Your kids are busy enough. Maybe when they are older they will express an interest in something but, until then..enjoy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH thinks that our kids do not really need to go to playdate, parties, classes etc since they have beforecare + school + aftercare (7am to 6pm Mon to Fri). He does not think they need any other planned activities, and weekend is supposed to be family time. And, his family time meaning kids playing with themselves on weekend morning and he is sleeping till 11am , and we family may go out to eat lunch or do grocery shopping/playground afterwards.


I have never seen him playing any sports (basketball, soccer or swimming etc) with our kids, and he says because it is because he does not care about those sports. However, he is willing to read them some books, play board game with them, take them to playground in the afternoon (because he is not a morning person), or we all watch family movie together. He calls this family time.

I agree with your husband. Your kids are busy enough. Maybe when they are older they will express an interest in something but, until then..enjoy!

Please. This is a husband sleeping in until 11 am on weekends while his wife handles the kids and then “doing his own thing” the rest of the day. They are “busy enough” because he is leaving everything to his wife!

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a dweeb. Where do women find these insufferable losers

[Anonymous]

He sounds low energy. This would not work for my kids who are high energy. Why not put them in a fun class Saturday mornings while he's sleeping?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH thinks that our kids do not really need to go to playdate, parties, classes etc since they have beforecare + school + aftercare (7am to 6pm Mon to Fri). He does not think they need any other planned activities, and weekend is supposed to be family time. And, his family time meaning kids playing with themselves on weekend morning and he is sleeping till 11am , and we family may go out to eat lunch or do grocery shopping/playground afterwards.


I have never seen him playing any sports (basketball, soccer or swimming etc) with our kids, and he says because it is because he does not care about those sports. However, he is willing to read them some books, play board game with them, take them to playground in the afternoon (because he is not a morning person), or we all watch family movie together. He calls this family time.

pP again.

Same dynamic here, no talking or coaching or teaching moments. Easier to watch a movie or read a book aloud. No thinking or connection or real interaction needed. Very hands off. We have daughters so I have to compensate for the lack of social skills from one parent. We have created many orbits of friends now in later elementary, but my anti-social spouse still cannt name half their friends or parents they’ve had for five years.

NP. Your suggestion that reading to your child is hands=off is such a crock, and so obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

My spouse doesn’t think this. I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds a little lazy and selfish*, but overall his plan is fine.

But there is a big difference between ECs and birthday parties.

His preferences are not a reason for your kids to lack social skills, fun, and friends.



*and honestly, this worries me in the long-term

If they're in school and aftercare 66 hours a week, they have opportunities to develop social skills and make friends. What they need to balance that is opportunities to learn how to self direct and to be with family. I would let my kids go to birthday parties of their close friends, and see if aftercare has activities within the program they can sign up for, but I'd be pretty protective of my weekends with that schedule.

[Anonymous]

I agree with your DH somewhat.

If you want some EC activities for the kids, you need to get it in during the aftercare hours of the school day. I managed that by having tutors and coaches come to our house to give lessons to my children after school.

They were able to learn Piano, French and Chess - because I had those teachers come home instead of driving my kids to various places.