Anyone up and quit a great job because 3 kids is just too much for full time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the feedback. Just in my husband’s defense, he will now make more and will be on a better long term trajectory. (Which I prefer ! Just my “steady” job still ends up being early mornings/late nights/ pressure cooker!

Do people really have jobs that are only 40 hours a week with flexibility to wfh? Feel like it’d be taking a pay cut for the same thing somewhere else.

Yes, these types of jobs are real! Without knowing what you do for a living, it’s hard to assess if the pressure and demands of your job are due to the line of work, or a less than ideal employer. My DH was incredibly stressed for years in his previous position. It impacted our relationship, how he interacted with the kids, family/social life, and his health. He loved the mission of his work, though. He moved to another employer in the same field a few years ago and the difference is night and day. He didn’t take a salary kit- in fact, he got a title promotion and a raise. He didn’t realize how dysfunctional his old job/company was until he saw a company doing it right. His job is still high stakes and he has some travel, unexpected long hours, etc, but he had a lot more flexibility and healthier balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the feedback. Just in my husband’s defense, he will now make more and will be on a better long term trajectory. (Which I prefer ! Just my “steady” job still ends up being early mornings/late nights/ pressure cooker!

Do people really have jobs that are only 40 hours a week with flexibility to wfh? Feel like it’d be taking a pay cut for the same thing somewhere else.

Yes, these types of jobs are real! Without knowing what you do for a living, it’s hard to assess if the pressure and demands of your job are due to the line of work, or a less than ideal employer. My DH was incredibly stressed for years in his previous position. It impacted our relationship, how he interacted with the kids, family/social life, and his health. He loved the mission of his work, though. He moved to another employer in the same field a few years ago and the difference is night and day. He didn’t take a salary kit- in fact, he got a title promotion and a raise. He didn’t realize how dysfunctional his old job/company was until he saw a company doing it right. His job is still high stakes and he has some travel, unexpected long hours, etc, but he had a lot more flexibility and healthier balance.

Oops, hit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quit and move. No one on their deathbed regrets time with family, especially when children are so little. The early years are the most important years for building the best possible foundation.

[Anonymous]

All the law partner wives I know went part time or SAY she. spouse made partner regardless of number of kids.

[Anonymous]

I’d rather take the pay cut and have time for my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, forgive in advance as I know we are very lucky. But can’t ask friends these questions. Have a great job that lets me work remotely. It is mentally exhausting though with high pressure deadlines and lots of late night calls. Mid - 30s, been with the company for 10+ years. Make 280 plus typically 15% bonus each year. Have actually outearned my husband for last 10 years, though based on titles no one expects that (including my In-laws who see my job as a wfh nice mom job ) 2 boys and an 18 month girl under 7. Husband just made partner at his firm. Super amazing dad, but his travel is going to be significant. I am exhausted. Have nanny but feeling down and like our lives are outsourced. Has anyone given up a good paying job, knowing it will slice your household income in half, but you are still happy 5+ years down the road that you made that choice? It’d be tighter in the short term, but in 3-4 yrs we’d probably end up financially where we are today. Or, is it better to just push through the toddler/young years that are exhausting because it’ll get easier and it’s ultimately worth it, particularly when it’s mostly wfh. Add on to this that our public schools suck and we’re not Catholic, but we love where we live. So, should I quit, we likely can’t afford privates for all three all the way through, so would have to move.

PUSH THROUGH.

Or at the very least make a plan to have some sort of work and income of your own. It is short-sighted to quit. You have no idea what the future holds. You may very well find yourself in a situation where you need to support yourself and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you have been with company 10 years and are a high performer, can you approach them about scaling back/ can they hire someone who can do part of your job/you can delebate to? I feel like once your kids are older you might regret leaving entirely. Or take some time off and look for a part/time job?

This would be step one for me (or maybe step two, after a vacation where I didn’t look at my work phone a single time). Don’t give up on this job if you like it without first speaking to your boss about whether there are ways to improve your work/life balance. My boss is extremely protective of her staff and tries to head off weekend or evening work for us. When that’s not possible due to real emergencies, she makes it clear to all that we’ve gone above and beyond so no one thinks we will be available 24/7 in the future. She just negotiated an additional hire for our group since our hours had all been creeping up. Your job may be more willing to make adjustments to keep a good worker happy than you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since you have been with company 10 years and are a high performer, can you approach them about scaling back/ can they hire someone who can do part of your job/you can delebate to? I feel like once your kids are older you might regret leaving entirely. Or take some time off and look for a part/time job?

This would be step one for me (or maybe step two, after a vacation where I didn’t look at my work phone a single time). Don’t give up on this job if you like it without first speaking to your boss about whether there are ways to improve your work/life balance. My boss is extremely protective of her staff and tries to head off weekend or evening work for us. When that’s not possible due to real emergencies, she makes it clear to all that we’ve gone above and beyond so no one thinks we will be available 24/7 in the future. She just negotiated an additional hire for our group since our hours had all been creeping up. Your job may be more willing to make adjustments to keep a good worker happy than you think.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't the conversation about your husband quitting or going to a lower stress job, if you out earn him?

This. Dont quit. Outsource more.

Take some leave once the kids are back in school. Keep the nanny during that leave and try to relax. If you can get away, great. If you can't, staycation. Put an away message up. Don't tell coworkers you are actually at home. Tell them you are going off the grid.

[Anonymous]

Don't forget that you have another choice, and that is to take a small pay cut to get a less stressful job!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the feedback. Just in my husband’s defense, he will now make more and will be on a better long term trajectory. (Which I prefer ! Just my “steady” job still ends up being early mornings/late nights/ pressure cooker!

Do people really have jobs that are only 40 hours a week with flexibility to wfh? Feel like it’d be taking a pay cut for the same thing somewhere else.

You probably would be taking a pay cut, but you’d also be working less. DH and I both WFH FT and our HHI is about $330. I’m sure that’s peanuts to you, but given that we can walk our three kids to and from school/aftercare daily, have time to coach their sports, have regular family dinners, rarely travel for work, etc. it feels like we’re living the dream. We’re both high-level Feds and both care a lot about our respective missions.

[Anonymous]

If you had said you really wish you could spend these years focusing on your kids until the youngest was in full time school then I would say definitely quit for a few years, but if not then maybe you should get more outside help so you don't feel so overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

I gave it a full year after DH made partner then quit. At some point it just made no sense. It’s been a couple months and I’m going to work again eventually but not at that stress level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, forgive in advance as I know we are very lucky. But can’t ask friends these questions. Have a great job that lets me work remotely. It is mentally exhausting though with high pressure deadlines and lots of late night calls. Mid - 30s, been with the company for 10+ years. Make 280 plus typically 15% bonus each year. Have actually outearned my husband for last 10 years, though based on titles no one expects that (including my In-laws who see my job as a wfh nice mom job ) 2 boys and an 18 month girl under 7. Husband just made partner at his firm. Super amazing dad, but his travel is going to be significant. I am exhausted. Have nanny but feeling down and like our lives are outsourced. Has anyone given up a good paying job, knowing it will slice your household income in half, but you are still happy 5+ years down the road that you made that choice? It’d be tighter in the short term, but in 3-4 yrs we’d probably end up financially where we are today. Or, is it better to just push through the toddler/young years that are exhausting because it’ll get easier and it’s ultimately worth it, particularly when it’s mostly wfh. Add on to this that our public schools suck and we’re not Catholic, but we love where we live. So, should I quit, we likely can’t afford privates for all three all the way through, so would have to move.

PUSH THROUGH.

Or at the very least make a plan to have some sort of work and income of your own. It is short-sighted to quit. You have no idea what the future holds. You may very well find yourself in a situation where you need to support yourself and your kids.

Just curious - do you have three kids yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the feedback. Just in my husband’s defense, he will now make more and will be on a better long term trajectory. (Which I prefer ! Just my “steady” job still ends up being early mornings/late nights/ pressure cooker!

Do people really have jobs that are only 40 hours a week with flexibility to wfh? Feel like it’d be taking a pay cut for the same thing somewhere else.

Yes. I’m a fed atty, I work 40 hours a week. Don’t look at my email before 8, after 6, or on weekends. I wfh. I make 140k.
I consider myself unbelievably lucky.