Any hope for my semi-feral children?

[Anonymous]

In addition to training at home, I do encourage playing with the better-behaved friends vs the more feral ones. It helps.

[Anonymous]

Is your husband on the spectrum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feral. How do these women find these complete loser husbands is beyond me

I always wonder why people marry someone like this? When I thought my husband was about to propose to me, I spent a few days REALLY thinking about who he was as a person. Is he friendly at parties? Is he good with money? Is he tactful? How does he manage his anger? Does he drink a lot? Is he kind to strangers? Does he maintain good friendships? Does he work hard? Does he have a fragile ego? Does he clean? Does he think women are equals? Is he kind to animals? Is his health important to him? And on and on.

Same. And a lot of the women aren't desperate either. I thought about what traits I wanted my husband to pass onto kids as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to train them like they’re puppies, seriously. Strictness and consistency work. Sorry it all falls on you though, OP. Being able to tag-team with a spouse is definitely helpful.

THIS. My spouse and I are pretty strict, demanding parents. But we have exceptionally well-behaved kids (**most of the time** and they are 100% worse when at home!). They are sweet, polite, thoughtful, good with adults... but it takes a lot of hard work. A LOT.

[Anonymous]

I struggle with this too OP. Interestingly, when it is a special occasion and we go to a restaurant that requires DS to wear a suit, it’s like he magically rises to the occasion and acts like a gentleman, making conversation and engaging at the table. We also do Table Topics kids version and practice scripted greetings to adults and friends and tell DS to just look at the tip of a person’s nose or too if their head if they feel shy about eye contact. He’s still inconsistent about many of these things, but when he does them we make a big fuss in attempt to give him positive reinforcement. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My kid can act that way at other people's houses. She also acts that way at home often, but she can also bounce off the walls, be extremely rude, and throw fits. That's kids (she's in preschool).

One particularly devious thing my kid will do at a friend's house is notice that the friend's parent is exasperated with the friend's poor behavior, and intentionally show off her manners and calmness to show she's "better" than the other kid. I don't know if the other parents can tell this is happening but I can. Partly it makes me laugh (to myself, exclusively), but it also partly exasperates ME because probably her biggest challenging behavior right now is that she is so incredibly competitive over everything. We are working on addressing this behavior now, before her friends start figuring out what she's doing (if they haven't already -- young kids are very intuitively smart about social behavior) and getting angry with her for making them look bad. It's hard!

The point is, no young child is 100% well behaved all the time, and if they were, I'd worry about them! Kids need safe places to let it all hang out. They are still new to being people and actually a lot is expected of them at school and in daycare. Lots and lots of rules, and they have very limited control over their lives. It's normal for them to be especially terrible at home because that's their safe place; your kids are likely better behaved away from home, especially when you aren't around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid can act that way at other people's houses. She also acts that way at home often, but she can also bounce off the walls, be extremely rude, and throw fits. That's kids (she's in preschool).

One particularly devious thing my kid will do at a friend's house is notice that the friend's parent is exasperated with the friend's poor behavior, and intentionally show off her manners and calmness to show she's "better" than the other kid. I don't know if the other parents can tell this is happening but I can. Partly it makes me laugh (to myself, exclusively), but it also partly exasperates ME because probably her biggest challenging behavior right now is that she is so incredibly competitive over everything. We are working on addressing this behavior now, before her friends start figuring out what she's doing (if they haven't already -- young kids are very intuitively smart about social behavior) and getting angry with her for making them look bad. It's hard!

The point is, no young child is 100% well behaved all the time, and if they were, I'd worry about them! Kids need safe places to let it all hang out. They are still new to being people and actually a lot is expected of them at school and in daycare. Lots and lots of rules, and they have very limited control over their lives. It's normal for them to be especially terrible at home because that's their safe place; your kids are likely better behaved away from home, especially when you aren't around.

OP here. That is kind of funny and kind of true. I mean it was almost over the top so I wonder if that's what was going on. And then it made my child really annoyed and angry and was accusing me of thinking the friend was "better".

Also what PPs mentioned is also true. They are much better at other people's houses, but still nowhere near where this child was. It's also true that they are much better behaved when they are solo. Something about being around each other brings out this crazy energy.

They are 10 and 8 and naturally argumentative and oppositional. So is my husband, but they all gang up on me because they think I am the one who gets bent out of shape about it. My husband turns it around and says I'm the one picking fights when he is just "discussing" and "talking" and that I am uptight. He laughs when our kids say things like "Shut it, mom, I don't want to hear it" and when I set boundaries, I'm seen as the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid can act that way at other people's houses. She also acts that way at home often, but she can also bounce off the walls, be extremely rude, and throw fits. That's kids (she's in preschool).

One particularly devious thing my kid will do at a friend's house is notice that the friend's parent is exasperated with the friend's poor behavior, and intentionally show off her manners and calmness to show she's "better" than the other kid. I don't know if the other parents can tell this is happening but I can. Partly it makes me laugh (to myself, exclusively), but it also partly exasperates ME because probably her biggest challenging behavior right now is that she is so incredibly competitive over everything. We are working on addressing this behavior now, before her friends start figuring out what she's doing (if they haven't already -- young kids are very intuitively smart about social behavior) and getting angry with her for making them look bad. It's hard!

The point is, no young child is 100% well behaved all the time, and if they were, I'd worry about them! Kids need safe places to let it all hang out. They are still new to being people and actually a lot is expected of them at school and in daycare. Lots and lots of rules, and they have very limited control over their lives. It's normal for them to be especially terrible at home because that's their safe place; your kids are likely better behaved away from home, especially when you aren't around.

OP here. That is kind of funny and kind of true. I mean it was almost over the top so I wonder if that's what was going on. And then it made my child really annoyed and angry and was accusing me of thinking the friend was "better".

Also what PPs mentioned is also true. They are much better at other people's houses, but still nowhere near where this child was. It's also true that they are much better behaved when they are solo. Something about being around each other brings out this crazy energy.

They are 10 and 8 and naturally argumentative and oppositional. So is my husband, but they all gang up on me because they think I am the one who gets bent out of shape about it. My husband turns it around and says I'm the one picking fights when he is just "discussing" and "talking" and that I am uptight. He laughs when our kids say things like "Shut it, mom, I don't want to hear it" and when I set boundaries, I'm seen as the bad guy.

So, there is letting your kids be a bit wilder and not embracing the strict school of parenting, and then there is your husband allowing your kids to bully you. The bolded is a big problem for me, OP. Not because your kids are teasing or a little wild, but because you and your husband are not on the same page. And, at best, he is gaslighting you and teaching your kids to disrespect you. You guys need to be a team, full stop.

This is less a parenting question and more a marriage counseling question to my read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid can act that way at other people's houses. She also acts that way at home often, but she can also bounce off the walls, be extremely rude, and throw fits. That's kids (she's in preschool).

One particularly devious thing my kid will do at a friend's house is notice that the friend's parent is exasperated with the friend's poor behavior, and intentionally show off her manners and calmness to show she's "better" than the other kid. I don't know if the other parents can tell this is happening but I can. Partly it makes me laugh (to myself, exclusively), but it also partly exasperates ME because probably her biggest challenging behavior right now is that she is so incredibly competitive over everything. We are working on addressing this behavior now, before her friends start figuring out what she's doing (if they haven't already -- young kids are very intuitively smart about social behavior) and getting angry with her for making them look bad. It's hard!

The point is, no young child is 100% well behaved all the time, and if they were, I'd worry about them! Kids need safe places to let it all hang out. They are still new to being people and actually a lot is expected of them at school and in daycare. Lots and lots of rules, and they have very limited control over their lives. It's normal for them to be especially terrible at home because that's their safe place; your kids are likely better behaved away from home, especially when you aren't around.

OP here. That is kind of funny and kind of true. I mean it was almost over the top so I wonder if that's what was going on. And then it made my child really annoyed and angry and was accusing me of thinking the friend was "better".

Also what PPs mentioned is also true. They are much better at other people's houses, but still nowhere near where this child was. It's also true that they are much better behaved when they are solo. Something about being around each other brings out this crazy energy.

They are 10 and 8 and naturally argumentative and oppositional. So is my husband, but they all gang up on me because they think I am the one who gets bent out of shape about it. My husband turns it around and says I'm the one picking fights when he is just "discussing" and "talking" and that I am uptight. He laughs when our kids say things like "Shut it, mom, I don't want to hear it" and when I set boundaries, I'm seen as the bad guy.

Excuse me, what? If anyone in my house said ANYTHING LIKE THIS to me there would be hell to pay. OP you primarily have a husband problem. I can't believe he lets that stuff slide. You need marriage counseling. Or to dump him. Seriously think about what your kids are going to think is ok to accept in relationships? You cannot let them speak to you like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid can act that way at other people's houses. She also acts that way at home often, but she can also bounce off the walls, be extremely rude, and throw fits. That's kids (she's in preschool).

One particularly devious thing my kid will do at a friend's house is notice that the friend's parent is exasperated with the friend's poor behavior, and intentionally show off her manners and calmness to show she's "better" than the other kid. I don't know if the other parents can tell this is happening but I can. Partly it makes me laugh (to myself, exclusively), but it also partly exasperates ME because probably her biggest challenging behavior right now is that she is so incredibly competitive over everything. We are working on addressing this behavior now, before her friends start figuring out what she's doing (if they haven't already -- young kids are very intuitively smart about social behavior) and getting angry with her for making them look bad. It's hard!

The point is, no young child is 100% well behaved all the time, and if they were, I'd worry about them! Kids need safe places to let it all hang out. They are still new to being people and actually a lot is expected of them at school and in daycare. Lots and lots of rules, and they have very limited control over their lives. It's normal for them to be especially terrible at home because that's their safe place; your kids are likely better behaved away from home, especially when you aren't around.

OP here. That is kind of funny and kind of true. I mean it was almost over the top so I wonder if that's what was going on. And then it made my child really annoyed and angry and was accusing me of thinking the friend was "better".

Also what PPs mentioned is also true. They are much better at other people's houses, but still nowhere near where this child was. It's also true that they are much better behaved when they are solo. Something about being around each other brings out this crazy energy.

They are 10 and 8 and naturally argumentative and oppositional. So is my husband, but they all gang up on me because they think I am the one who gets bent out of shape about it. My husband turns it around and says I'm the one picking fights when he is just "discussing" and "talking" and that I am uptight. He laughs when our kids say things like "Shut it, mom, I don't want to hear it" and when I set boundaries, I'm seen as the bad guy.

So, there is letting your kids be a bit wilder and not embracing the strict school of parenting, and then there is your husband allowing your kids to bully you. The bolded is a big problem for me, OP. Not because your kids are teasing or a little wild, but because you and your husband are not on the same page. And, at best, he is gaslighting you and teaching your kids to disrespect you. You guys need to be a team, full stop.

This is less a parenting question and more a marriage counseling question to my read.

Agree, except it’s both a marriage and a parenting issue now. OP, this is absolutely not OK. Your husband is not treating you with the respect you deserve. If you want to stay with him, he needs to change his behavior and you both need to address the kids’ rudeness and boundary problems as a team. If one of my kids told either of us to “shut it” at that age all hell would have broken out in our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feral. How do these women find these complete loser husbands is beyond me

They're on their best behavior until the hook is well set, like the birth of children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid can act that way at other people's houses. She also acts that way at home often, but she can also bounce off the walls, be extremely rude, and throw fits. That's kids (she's in preschool).

One particularly devious thing my kid will do at a friend's house is notice that the friend's parent is exasperated with the friend's poor behavior, and intentionally show off her manners and calmness to show she's "better" than the other kid. I don't know if the other parents can tell this is happening but I can. Partly it makes me laugh (to myself, exclusively), but it also partly exasperates ME because probably her biggest challenging behavior right now is that she is so incredibly competitive over everything. We are working on addressing this behavior now, before her friends start figuring out what she's doing (if they haven't already -- young kids are very intuitively smart about social behavior) and getting angry with her for making them look bad. It's hard!

The point is, no young child is 100% well behaved all the time, and if they were, I'd worry about them! Kids need safe places to let it all hang out. They are still new to being people and actually a lot is expected of them at school and in daycare. Lots and lots of rules, and they have very limited control over their lives. It's normal for them to be especially terrible at home because that's their safe place; your kids are likely better behaved away from home, especially when you aren't around.

OP here. That is kind of funny and kind of true. I mean it was almost over the top so I wonder if that's what was going on. And then it made my child really annoyed and angry and was accusing me of thinking the friend was "better".

Also what PPs mentioned is also true. They are much better at other people's houses, but still nowhere near where this child was. It's also true that they are much better behaved when they are solo. Something about being around each other brings out this crazy energy.

They are 10 and 8 and naturally argumentative and oppositional. So is my husband, but they all gang up on me because they think I am the one who gets bent out of shape about it. My husband turns it around and says I'm the one picking fights when he is just "discussing" and "talking" and that I am uptight. He laughs when our kids say things like "Shut it, mom, I don't want to hear it" and when I set boundaries, I'm seen as the bad guy.

So, there is letting your kids be a bit wilder and not embracing the strict school of parenting, and then there is your husband allowing your kids to bully you. The bolded is a big problem for me, OP. Not because your kids are teasing or a little wild, but because you and your husband are not on the same page. And, at best, he is gaslighting you and teaching your kids to disrespect you. You guys need to be a team, full stop.

This is less a parenting question and more a marriage counseling question to my read.

Agree, except it’s both a marriage and a parenting issue now. OP, this is absolutely not OK. Your husband is not treating you with the respect you deserve. If you want to stay with him, he needs to change his behavior and you both need to address the kids’ rudeness and boundary problems as a team. If one of my kids told either of us to “shut it” at that age all hell would have broken out in our house.

Tell me exactly what would have happened in your house if one of your kids did say that? I am genuinely asking because I have been living in this world too long, with a family who all think I am the crazy person who gets bent out of shape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid can act that way at other people's houses. She also acts that way at home often, but she can also bounce off the walls, be extremely rude, and throw fits. That's kids (she's in preschool).

One particularly devious thing my kid will do at a friend's house is notice that the friend's parent is exasperated with the friend's poor behavior, and intentionally show off her manners and calmness to show she's "better" than the other kid. I don't know if the other parents can tell this is happening but I can. Partly it makes me laugh (to myself, exclusively), but it also partly exasperates ME because probably her biggest challenging behavior right now is that she is so incredibly competitive over everything. We are working on addressing this behavior now, before her friends start figuring out what she's doing (if they haven't already -- young kids are very intuitively smart about social behavior) and getting angry with her for making them look bad. It's hard!

The point is, no young child is 100% well behaved all the time, and if they were, I'd worry about them! Kids need safe places to let it all hang out. They are still new to being people and actually a lot is expected of them at school and in daycare. Lots and lots of rules, and they have very limited control over their lives. It's normal for them to be especially terrible at home because that's their safe place; your kids are likely better behaved away from home, especially when you aren't around.

OP here. That is kind of funny and kind of true. I mean it was almost over the top so I wonder if that's what was going on. And then it made my child really annoyed and angry and was accusing me of thinking the friend was "better".

Also what PPs mentioned is also true. They are much better at other people's houses, but still nowhere near where this child was. It's also true that they are much better behaved when they are solo. Something about being around each other brings out this crazy energy.

They are 10 and 8 and naturally argumentative and oppositional. So is my husband, but they all gang up on me because they think I am the one who gets bent out of shape about it. My husband turns it around and says I'm the one picking fights when he is just "discussing" and "talking" and that I am uptight. He laughs when our kids say things like "Shut it, mom, I don't want to hear it" and when I set boundaries, I'm seen as the bad guy.

So, there is letting your kids be a bit wilder and not embracing the strict school of parenting, and then there is your husband allowing your kids to bully you. The bolded is a big problem for me, OP. Not because your kids are teasing or a little wild, but because you and your husband are not on the same page. And, at best, he is gaslighting you and teaching your kids to disrespect you. You guys need to be a team, full stop.

This is less a parenting question and more a marriage counseling question to my read.

Agree, except it’s both a marriage and a parenting issue now. OP, this is absolutely not OK. Your husband is not treating you with the respect you deserve. If you want to stay with him, he needs to change his behavior and you both need to address the kids’ rudeness and boundary problems as a team. If one of my kids told either of us to “shut it” at that age all hell would have broken out in our house.

Tell me exactly what would have happened in your house if one of your kids did say that? I am genuinely asking because I have been living in this world too long, with a family who all think I am the crazy person who gets bent out of shape.

Not the PP, but if one of my kids said something like that, both parents would have immediately zero'ed in with an "excuse me?" and a "Do we speak to others like that in our house?" Or were you THINKing* when you said that?" Any of these questions would have elicited an immediate apology and recognition of the problem from our kids (because they are well-trained ), but this initial discussion would be followed by a longer discussion TOGETHER about respect and the power of words, along with a consequence (taking away some privilege, what and for how long would depend on the circumstances).

*Our kids learned this idea about THINKing before you speak in school, and it's something we employ in our house as a code word of sorts.
T - is it true?
H - is it helpful?
I - is it important?
N - is it necessary?
K - is it kind?
Obviously not all the questions apply to every situation, but it's a good model for teaching kids how to make their words count.

[Anonymous]

I would take a look and see if you are truly requiring good behavior or if your standards are low. My brother and sil are so proud because their kids say please and thank you, BUT their manners stop there. They throw things in the house (not just their own), jump on furniture (not just their own), and yell at their parents when they don't want something or don't like it. But my brother is blind to it because...please and thank you is all he thinks he needs to do.

And no my kids aren't perfect, but they're very well behaved in public according to teachers and neighbors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid can act that way at other people's houses. She also acts that way at home often, but she can also bounce off the walls, be extremely rude, and throw fits. That's kids (she's in preschool).

One particularly devious thing my kid will do at a friend's house is notice that the friend's parent is exasperated with the friend's poor behavior, and intentionally show off her manners and calmness to show she's "better" than the other kid. I don't know if the other parents can tell this is happening but I can. Partly it makes me laugh (to myself, exclusively), but it also partly exasperates ME because probably her biggest challenging behavior right now is that she is so incredibly competitive over everything. We are working on addressing this behavior now, before her friends start figuring out what she's doing (if they haven't already -- young kids are very intuitively smart about social behavior) and getting angry with her for making them look bad. It's hard!

The point is, no young child is 100% well behaved all the time, and if they were, I'd worry about them! Kids need safe places to let it all hang out. They are still new to being people and actually a lot is expected of them at school and in daycare. Lots and lots of rules, and they have very limited control over their lives. It's normal for them to be especially terrible at home because that's their safe place; your kids are likely better behaved away from home, especially when you aren't around.

OP here. That is kind of funny and kind of true. I mean it was almost over the top so I wonder if that's what was going on. And then it made my child really annoyed and angry and was accusing me of thinking the friend was "better".

Also what PPs mentioned is also true. They are much better at other people's houses, but still nowhere near where this child was. It's also true that they are much better behaved when they are solo. Something about being around each other brings out this crazy energy.

They are 10 and 8 and naturally argumentative and oppositional. So is my husband, but they all gang up on me because they think I am the one who gets bent out of shape about it. My husband turns it around and says I'm the one picking fights when he is just "discussing" and "talking" and that I am uptight. He laughs when our kids say things like "Shut it, mom, I don't want to hear it" and when I set boundaries, I'm seen as the bad guy.

So, there is letting your kids be a bit wilder and not embracing the strict school of parenting, and then there is your husband allowing your kids to bully you. The bolded is a big problem for me, OP. Not because your kids are teasing or a little wild, but because you and your husband are not on the same page. And, at best, he is gaslighting you and teaching your kids to disrespect you. You guys need to be a team, full stop.

This is less a parenting question and more a marriage counseling question to my read.

Agree, except it’s both a marriage and a parenting issue now. OP, this is absolutely not OK. Your husband is not treating you with the respect you deserve. If you want to stay with him, he needs to change his behavior and you both need to address the kids’ rudeness and boundary problems as a team. If one of my kids told either of us to “shut it” at that age all hell would have broken out in our house.

Tell me exactly what would have happened in your house if one of your kids did say that? I am genuinely asking because I have been living in this world too long, with a family who all think I am the crazy person who gets bent out of shape.

If said to me, my husband would have swiftly advanced on the offender and loudly yelled “What did you just say to your mother??!!” in an intimidating way, then they would be sent (crying—because he’s scary when he’s mad) to their room. If said to DH, same script, same consequence, but I’m not into physically intimidating people or yelling at them, so my delivery would have been more calm, with me acting as if I were shocked and horrified to hear a child of mine behave so badly. They’d be crying in my scenario too, but out of shame more than terror.

After some time in the room to calm down, there would be a discussion about the rules of the house and how we tread people with respect, and the kid would be sent to apologize to the parent they aimed the comment at.