I love my family of origin (parents, brother) but their conservative views make it hard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I am not going to discuss politics/whatever with you, mom”. Hang up every time they do not listen and continue on. Either they will stop, or they just don’t value their relationship with you that much.

I, a Ukrainian, have had to do that with Russian (pro-Putin) family members. It is very effective in my experience.

My folks don't ever push political talk luckily. My vent is more about the gap between us/loss of closeness and just mourning that. We've effectively been hanging out for years successfully, meaning we make it through the visit intact and no harsh words are spoken. It's just sad to think that we really are skating on the surface. It's helpful to hear from others going through it too.

[Anonymous]

This all started in many families when Trump was elected. Many of us have Trump relatives who took a deep dive down crazy conspiracy rabbit holes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to distance if people can't talk about neutral things, OP, either you or someone else.

So it's not about being neutral in conversation. We've perfected that art in the last 5 years for sure. It's more about handling my deep resentment.

I think it's ok to take a break. Just be less available for a while and see if that gives you a chance to recharge.

This has been a hell of a week, with a gut-punch at the end. It's natural to need space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to distance if people can't talk about neutral things, OP, either you or someone else.

So it's not about being neutral in conversation. We've perfected that art in the last 5 years for sure. It's more about handling my deep resentment.

I think it's ok to take a break. Just be less available for a while and see if that gives you a chance to recharge.

This has been a hell of a week, with a gut-punch at the end. It's natural to need space.

Thanks. Needed to hear this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“I am not going to discuss politics/whatever with you, mom”. Hang up every time they do not listen and continue on. Either they will stop, or they just don’t value their relationship with you that much.

I, a Ukrainian, have had to do that with Russian (pro-Putin) family members. It is very effective in my experience.

My folks don't ever push political talk luckily. My vent is more about the gap between us/loss of closeness and just mourning that. We've effectively been hanging out for years successfully, meaning we make it through the visit intact and no harsh words are spoken. It's just sad to think that we really are skating on the surface. It's helpful to hear from others going through it too.

I hear you. The knowledge that some of my relatives are supporting the suffering of other relatives (different sides of the family) breaks my heart and I definitely do not view them the same way. I maintain the relationship because they are still important to me. But there is a distance now that I don’t think will ever heal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only a nutty lib would let politics split up their family.

+100

You sound delightful! Who wouldn’t want to be a part of your family, with your warmth, kindness, and capacity for compassion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only a nutty lib would let politics split up their family.

+100

THIS

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in a similar situation in that my parents and particularly my dad are extremely conservatives/Trumpian, and he often can't help himself but to bring up topics where he knows we disagree. I let the resentment go several years ago. No matter how deeply we disagree on politics (or religion), I only have one set up parents, and I love them for all that they are and accept them for all that they are not.
Whenever they annoy me, I remember how grateful I am to still have them both around and I tell them that often.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I think the final straw for me in terms of emotional closeness was when I realized I couldn’t discuss Sandy hook with my mother. I grieved a lot and it only sometimes bothers me now. I have a sister whom I love, a brother from who estranged himself from me over vaccines, and a brother whom I love and is rational enough to agree without protest to unload his guns when I visit with the kids. That’s my lot. I do have lots of lovely friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to distance if people can't talk about neutral things, OP, either you or someone else.

So it's not about being neutral in conversation. We've perfected that art in the last 5 years for sure. It's more about handling my deep resentment.

I think it’s a shame that people get so emotionally tied up and resentful, they let it interfere with relationships and keep them from listening to each other. Just because you think you’re a good person who believes a certain way doesn’t mean that somebody who disagrees with you is bad. They may be just as well meaning as you, and just as logical as you, but be starting from a different set of assumptions.

Pro-lifers don’t hate women any more than pro-choice people hate babies. The two sides may disagree on when the baby becomes a baby, but both sides are sincerely following their consciences and fighting to help others.

They may be wrong on this issue, and most other issues you disagree on. Parties aren’t monoliths, however (think of how hard it was for the Democrats to agree to support Biden’s initiatives). If you could talk to your relatives with mutual respect, without letting emotions turn both sides defensive, you might find that there are some areas where they disagree with their party and agree with you (or vice versa).

Finally, in talking with people who have opposing views, it helps to remember that nobody is correct 100% of the time. While I am utterly convinced my stance on any given issue is correct (otherwise it wouldn’t be my position), and maybe that particular position may objectively be “correct”, at some point, not being divinely omniscient, views that I am convinced are right will be utterly wrong. Moreover, life is messy and nuanced. Rarely is there one right answer and one wrong answer. There may be only a bunch of wrong answers and the best you can do is try to agree on one that will do the least damage. More commonly, each option will have done pros and some cons and it cones down to judgement calls that well-meaning people may sincerely disagree on. If you can both listen to the other side and acknowledge the barest possibility that your position on the topic under discussion could be flawed, there is the chance that you might learn something to adapt your position or give them something to consider about their viewpoint. At the very least, you can understand their position better, and as long as you can mutually respect the other side’s right to be wrong (knowing that at some point, they’ll be right and you’ll be wrong), there doesn’t need to be resentment.

[Anonymous]

I totally get it OP. Grew up in a Muslim household, consider myself agnostic. Parents and siblings are moderately religious, usually vote liberally, but there are some things that just don't mesh together (being honest here, as much as many American Muslims claim otherwise.)

I just don't talk politics with them much. Still love them and spend frequent time together. They're still very important for me to have in my life and I have no regrets.

[Anonymous]

The last school shooting was the final straw for us. The overturning of Roe and Jan 6 hearings just reaffirms for us that we want nothing to do with the people who made it or enabled it to happen.

We don’t care if people disagree about political stuff like taxation, immigration, military spending, social services spending, tech policy, corporate bail outs, foreign policy etc etc but there is a line that has been crossed into immoral and deeply repugnant territory.

If kids in cages, kids dying in mass shootings, overthrowng the government, being racist, spreading conspiracy theories and forcing women to give birth gets you happy and giggly then we want absolutely nothing to do with you. You will get nothing from us. We don’t hate you but we are disgusted by you.

[Anonymous]

For me, it’s very interesting because, say, 15 years ago, my brother, sister and I were the only “liberal nutball” members of the family. Inch by inch, my aunt and most of my cousins have voted Democrat, have registered as Democrat, or at least make it very clear that if they are still a registered Republican, they voted for Obama (a few), Clinton (more) or Biden (most of cousins). So what used to be a Republican family on both my dad’s side and my mom’s with only we 3 sibling “black sheep,” now has become younger generation firmly Democrat, and at least one aunt who is very outspoken that she is anti-Trump and doesn’t take crap from her siblings about it.

At any rate, everyone accepts that my brother is gay. If there had been any question whatsoever on that front, I wouldn’t speak to anyone who had a problem with that, including my parents. But luckily, no one has said a word on that front, other than to say they are happy for my brother and really adore his long-term boyfriend, who lives with him.

Anyway, we mostly just don’t talk politics. But is it comes up, we usually can talk in a semi-productive way, with the exception of one completely obnoxious married-in cousin (yes, I’m the OP of the other thread).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand your frustrations. The majority of my family is democratic of varying degrees and we recently got together for a funeral and one of the only Trumper-relatives waas there.

I said something to him like "I've seen your Facebook page and know your stance, and I'm sure you've seen mine. I'm happy we can get together and have a nice lunch, and recognize the most important thing is that we love each other." And we hugged, and it was beautiful. We probably both think the other is an idiot.

It's my neighbors who are the issue. I ignore their politics and am polite but I've reached my limit. Their husbands always work politics even in to a quick encounter. I'm going to just start telling people to f off. I've had it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am done and letting go of any feeling of obligation toward these people in our extended family. They aren’t particularly enjoyable to be around. We’re happy to spend our vacation doing enjoyable things and not waste time and money traveling to undesirable places. We’re no longer going to play free bed and breakfast if they come to town. No more hosting them, cooking for them, or helping financially. They can ask God to cook them a turkey, give them free lodging and loan/gift them money. We’re out.

LOL, "cook" a turkey. No one wants a "cooked" turkey. Fried or smoked - and you know NO liberal actually knows how to do either. Besides, who are you kidding? You were hunkered down and avoiding all social interactions for the past 2 years. Enjoy another lonely set of holidays where its just you, DH and the kids. How fun.

How dare OP and others not want to spend time with delightful people like pp. Their loss, pp, their loss!