Anyone’s else’s parents always commenting on how you spend your money?

[Anonymous]

You know what OP you have been honest with them and that's all you can do. I would not bring up any purchases with them unless it comes up naturally in conversation such as you are going on a vacation etc.

You can not stop them commenting you can only change yourself. So don't react when they make a comment, completely ignore it and change the subject.

Then its up to you to really let it go. Understand it's their problem, nothing to do with you and leave it with them. When you fully let it go, it really won't matter what they say.

The first step is really understanding you can't change them or stop them making these comments, you can only change how you react to what they say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will only get over it when you stop needing approval from your parents. Because that’s what this is really about.

How does one do that? We are literally conditioned from birth to seek their approval.

Coming to accept that they are simply fellow adults who you choose to have a relationship with because you want to.

I strongly disagree with this approach. I am absolutely free to disagree with my parents, well, my father since my mother died, but I will never be disrespectful toward him. He may have different points of view, and I will prioritize my nuclear family. But I will never, ever be disrespectful toward my parent. They brought me life, they worked very hard to raise me, including decades of putting my needs before theirs. I don’t care if he is right or wrong, or frankly anything else. They are my parents and earned and deserve to be treated with respect. So much of my life, from my belief that I can do anything I put my mind to, to the practical aspect that they have worked so hard to support me financially through school and when I was starting off in life as an adult, I cannot imagine the condescension of treating them simply as another person in the world. I am not suggesting that anyone put their parents before their spouses or children, but the disrespect and the lack of empathy toward parents is shocking. When people get older, sometimes they simply become more afraid, and more risk averse. They love their children and are really very concerned. And sometimes that can push boundaries that we need to uphold. But to treat our parents, the people who produce life and race just, as though they are random people out there on the street, seems important to me. I may disagree with my dad about many, many things, but I will never treat him with disrespect and will always be so grateful for supporting me and providing me with the life then abled me to be an independent, rethinking and successful child, no adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will only get over it when you stop needing approval from your parents. Because that’s what this is really about.

How does one do that? We are literally conditioned from birth to seek their approval.

Coming to accept that they are simply fellow adults who you choose to have a relationship with because you want to.

I strongly disagree with this approach. I am absolutely free to disagree with my parents, well, my father since my mother died, but I will never be disrespectful toward him. He may have different points of view, and I will prioritize my nuclear family. But I will never, ever be disrespectful toward my parent. They brought me life, they worked very hard to raise me, including decades of putting my needs before theirs. I don’t care if he is right or wrong, or frankly anything else. They are my parents and earned and deserve to be treated with respect. So much of my life, from my belief that I can do anything I put my mind to, to the practical aspect that they have worked so hard to support me financially through school and when I was starting off in life as an adult, I cannot imagine the condescension of treating them simply as another person in the world. I am not suggesting that anyone put their parents before their spouses or children, but the disrespect and the lack of empathy toward parents is shocking. When people get older, sometimes they simply become more afraid, and more risk averse. They love their children and are really very concerned. And sometimes that can push boundaries that we need to uphold. But to treat our parents, the people who produce life and race just, as though they are random people out there on the street, seems important to me. I may disagree with my dad about many, many things, but I will never treat him with disrespect and will always be so grateful for supporting me and providing me with the life then abled me to be an independent, rethinking and successful child, no adult.

. Meant to say “now adult”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will only get over it when you stop needing approval from your parents. Because that’s what this is really about.

How does one do that? We are literally conditioned from birth to seek their approval.

Coming to accept that they are simply fellow adults who you choose to have a relationship with because you want to.

I strongly disagree with this approach. I am absolutely free to disagree with my parents, well, my father since my mother died, but I will never be disrespectful toward him. He may have different points of view, and I will prioritize my nuclear family. But I will never, ever be disrespectful toward my parent. They brought me life, they worked very hard to raise me, including decades of putting my needs before theirs. I don’t care if he is right or wrong, or frankly anything else. They are my parents and earned and deserve to be treated with respect. So much of my life, from my belief that I can do anything I put my mind to, to the practical aspect that they have worked so hard to support me financially through school and when I was starting off in life as an adult, I cannot imagine the condescension of treating them simply as another person in the world. I am not suggesting that anyone put their parents before their spouses or children, but the disrespect and the lack of empathy toward parents is shocking. When people get older, sometimes they simply become more afraid, and more risk averse. They love their children and are really very concerned. And sometimes that can push boundaries that we need to uphold. But to treat our parents, the people who produce life and race just, as though they are random people out there on the street, seems important to me. I may disagree with my dad about many, many things, but I will never treat him with disrespect and will always be so grateful for supporting me and providing me with the life then abled me to be an independent, rethinking and successful child, no adult.

I have no idea why you think what I said means being disrespectful. Maybe you should consider why you think accepting that your parents are simply fellow adults (absolutely true, not people who are in control of you or empowered as judge and jury about the wisdom of your choices about money or anything else) would be disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will only get over it when you stop needing approval from your parents. Because that’s what this is really about.

How does one do that? We are literally conditioned from birth to seek their approval.

Come to understand that your own self approval is enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will only get over it when you stop needing approval from your parents. Because that’s what this is really about.

How does one do that? We are literally conditioned from birth to seek their approval.

Weirdo

[Anonymous]

My MIL asks “oh is that new” about something every time she comes to our house. It could be something I’ve had for 10 years and when I say no, she gives me a questioning look and says “oh really? hmmm “ like I’m effing lying to her. She comments on the catalogs she sees in the house and says things like “oh you bought something from there, that’s so expensive!” Even if I haven’t purchased from there. I try to explain to her that brands send all of their catalogs even if you haven’t purchased from them. It’s just so annoying and I’m over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will only get over it when you stop needing approval from your parents. Because that’s what this is really about.

How does one do that? We are literally conditioned from birth to seek their approval.

If that is how your parents conditioned you, please seek therapy! Parents should be helping children seek their own independence, self-worth and confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re an adult, and you set boundaries. You enforce them:

“Moving forward, any and all comments about how we spend money and financial decisions are not permitted. If we want your opinion, we will ask. If you choose not to follow this, our time together will end, whether than means ending the call, asking you to leave or leaving ourselves.”

Then expect them to test it. Expect that they will make a comment. They want to see if you really mean what you say, and if you really have a backbone. Welcome that opportunity and all subsequent ones with open arms. You cannot respond with “Come on mom, I told you not to say anything…” Nope. You simply have to respond with “I shared that we would leave. You just made a comment about our going out to a fancy dinner and wasting money. Let’s try again another time.” Then you literally walk out. No negotiation. No responding. Just walk out.

This is on you, OP. You either put up with it and make no complaints, or you set a boundary and enforce it every.single.time.

Who the hell talks to their parents like this?

[Anonymous]

Hahaha my mom is like this but less extreme. She is flabbergasted bay how much money we make and how much we spend. But it’s the same with my sister and her family. She doesn’t say it super judgmental but I know she doesn’t understand our lifestyles sometime.

BUT we have a hhi of $550k and my sister had a hhi of $800k. So we can afford to do a lot while also saving for retirement and our kids college. The most my parents ever made was $200k and that was a lot for where we lived!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re an adult, and you set boundaries. You enforce them:

“Moving forward, any and all comments about how we spend money and financial decisions are not permitted. If we want your opinion, we will ask. If you choose not to follow this, our time together will end, whether than means ending the call, asking you to leave or leaving ourselves.”

Then expect them to test it. Expect that they will make a comment. They want to see if you really mean what you say, and if you really have a backbone. Welcome that opportunity and all subsequent ones with open arms. You cannot respond with “Come on mom, I told you not to say anything…” Nope. You simply have to respond with “I shared that we would leave. You just made a comment about our going out to a fancy dinner and wasting money. Let’s try again another time.” Then you literally walk out. No negotiation. No responding. Just walk out.

This is on you, OP. You either put up with it and make no complaints, or you set a boundary and enforce it every.single.time.

Who the hell talks to their parents like this?

Someone who listens to "Dr." Laura every day.

[Anonymous]

My parents are poor immigrants. I grew up poor.

We now have a seven figure income. My parents don’t know exactly how much we make so they think we spend frivolously and don’t save enough.

We live below our means although we have a very good lifestyle. Our kids attend public school. We do travel often and spend a lot on food.

[Anonymous]

What are you whining about. 2500 Sq foot starter house. You should be spoiling your parents lavishly in gratitude. Not whining like a baby about "their attitude." You are being a cry baby. Shut.

[Anonymous]

My MIL pulled crap like that until DH sat her down and shared the details of our income, investments etc. She was stunned and never said another word.

[Anonymous]

I would tell them once, clearly (like you already did). Though I shouldn't have to, I'd tell them we have plenty of savings for retirement and other things. Then, if they bring it up, I'd remind them the topic is off limits and don't let them, repeatedly, and otherwise not engage. Eventually they'd get board.

But no, my parents don't do this. In fact, I sometimes think they spend foolishly for their level of income/savings, but of course I don't say anything. We spend more, but we have a lot more income.