Anyone’s else’s parents always commenting on how you spend your money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re an adult, and you set boundaries. You enforce them:

“Moving forward, any and all comments about how we spend money and financial decisions are not permitted. If we want your opinion, we will ask. If you choose not to follow this, our time together will end, whether than means ending the call, asking you to leave or leaving ourselves.”

Then expect them to test it. Expect that they will make a comment. They want to see if you really mean what you say, and if you really have a backbone. Welcome that opportunity and all subsequent ones with open arms. You cannot respond with “Come on mom, I told you not to say anything…” Nope. You simply have to respond with “I shared that we would leave. You just made a comment about our going out to a fancy dinner and wasting money. Let’s try again another time.” Then you literally walk out. No negotiation. No responding. Just walk out.

This is on you, OP. You either put up with it and make no complaints, or you set a boundary and enforce it every.single.time.

God, the scripts people suggest on DCUM are awful. But bless your heart for thinking that kind of order “sets boundaries.”

[Anonymous]

It's possible that they overworked to give you the good life. They can never get the time and energy back and see it all now in things you buy. I have to agree with them that you probably don't need as many presents and eating out often when it reminds them they day the they had to go to work sick to help you get there.
I'm the immigrant who was mistreated at work in US and underpaid. I don't want that for my kids and they won't have to go through it because I made it. Still, the bad memories linger and show up in kids wanting things and not giving much crap.

[Anonymous]

Just flip it to something positive. When they mention how much you have, thank them for their hard work that allowed you to get a great education and a good career for your family and allows you to do the same and to pass the opportunity and the wealth to their grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2500-sq ft starter house? LOL.

This. Our house is 1000 square feet and we live very modestly except kids activities. I constantly get criticized and they have done nothing for us as in they have plenty of money and not even birthday gifts, even from dollar tree for the kids. It’s bizzare as they as so generous to others and my sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have this problem but from a different perspective. My parents are wealthy and while I was not personally spoiled, I took for granted that we always had a nice new house, boat, swimming pool and so on. It happens that my own family is just middle class. My husband and I work in healthcare. We are careful with our money and live in a small old house with no luxuries. However we choose to spend money on certain things they find foolish (private school for our kids being the big one). They are appalled that we would spend money on something we could get for free. We get a LOT of unsolicited financial advice and they also offer to give us money, which we don't take because we know strings would be attached. I usually say something along the lines of "would you like to see our bank statements? 401k? Can I give you my Fidelity password? Maybe that would make you feel better to go over our accounts. " And we all laugh together until the next time they bring it up. Just promise them that you're taking care of everyone. It comes from a place of anxiety.

My wealthy parents also think I'm wasting money on private school, which I pay for because I could have benefited greatly from it and wished they would have allowed me to go. But they have no trouble buying my kid the latest Air Jordan or Golden Goose shoes - yet private school is a waste of money. I must have been hatched from an egg.

[Anonymous]

Many years ago my husband invited his parents to join us for a milestone birthday at 1789. During a post-dinner stroll, we overheard them crabbing about the profligacy of spending “so much” on dinner. We stopped inviting them out after that. Simple as. This past summer, MiL brought up how nice she remembered that dinner being. Too bad.

We stopped giving each other gifts at the holidays because we’re all adults who are able to buy things for ourselves. In OPs case, I’d do an immediate family Xmas morning event and then invite extended family over in the afternoon or evening after all presents have been exchanged.

For everything else, put your parents on an information diet. They can’t use the things they don’t know against you.

[Anonymous]

They don’t get to ruin Christmas. They don’t get invited anymore. DH has a crazy aunt who tried inserting herself into the kids birthdays only to rudely grouse about the expense of gifts, venue etc so she never was invited again and told no when she proceeded to invite herself.

[Anonymous]

Yes, every time I see them, my parents criticize my lack of conspicuous consumption. Every single time. They call us obsessed with money, cheap, etc. One of them (the biggest spender of the two) is always trying to convince us to buy a bigger house, nicer car, etc. I have come to expect to revisit this topic every time I see them no matter what I’m driving or where I’m living. We visit them because we never have lived in a neighborhood that is good enough for them. They won’t risk visiting us plebes.

[Anonymous]

I wish my parents would have a conversation with my brother and SIL about wasteful spending which is being led by my SIL.

[Anonymous]

Op, so assuming you are not financially dependent on them in any way .. yes, you enforce boundaries like the PP said. You have the guts to say it. That's all it takes. Guts. And guts to follow-through.

"Mom and Dad, we don't think it's your business".
"We don't be answering financial questions"

You leave the room if they continue. Without drama, you leave.

[Anonymous]

My dad is great about this and he’s very helpful given I manage all of my family’s finances. Once a year or so he’ll check in to see how we are doing, give investment advice if I need it and always caution me about saving which he knows we do. He’s also very generous with annual gifts and funding 529s. He will sometimes question spending but never criticize.

[Anonymous]

I will tell you what is going on here. Your parents are earmarking a fat inheritance to you and worked their butts off to make it possible, and they’re scratching their heads wondering why you’re not doing the same for your own kids. So, in that sense, they think you’re being selfish parents. And in a way they are right. At a minimum, you are being more selfish with your kids than they were with you.

I also have a hunch you are counting on their money, right? It makes it easier for you to throw your money around knowing you have parents who are going to leave you money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re an adult, and you set boundaries. You enforce them:

“Moving forward, any and all comments about how we spend money and financial decisions are not permitted. If we want your opinion, we will ask. If you choose not to follow this, our time together will end, whether than means ending the call, asking you to leave or leaving ourselves.”

Then expect them to test it. Expect that they will make a comment. They want to see if you really mean what you say, and if you really have a backbone. Welcome that opportunity and all subsequent ones with open arms. You cannot respond with “Come on mom, I told you not to say anything…” Nope. You simply have to respond with “I shared that we would leave. You just made a comment about our going out to a fancy dinner and wasting money. Let’s try again another time.” Then you literally walk out. No negotiation. No responding. Just walk out.

This is on you, OP. You either put up with it and make no complaints, or you set a boundary and enforce it every.single.time.

Who the hell talks to their parents like this?

No one ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2500-sq ft starter house? LOL.

You beat me to it. OP is clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have this problem but from a different perspective. My parents are wealthy and while I was not personally spoiled, I took for granted that we always had a nice new house, boat, swimming pool and so on. It happens that my own family is just middle class. My husband and I work in healthcare. We are careful with our money and live in a small old house with no luxuries. However we choose to spend money on certain things they find foolish (private school for our kids being the big one). They are appalled that we would spend money on something we could get for free. We get a LOT of unsolicited financial advice and they also offer to give us money, which we don't take because we know strings would be attached. I usually say something along the lines of "would you like to see our bank statements? 401k? Can I give you my Fidelity password? Maybe that would make you feel better to go over our accounts. " And we all laugh together until the next time they bring it up. Just promise them that you're taking care of everyone. It comes from a place of anxiety.

My wealthy parents also think I'm wasting money on private school, which I pay for because I could have benefited greatly from it and wished they would have allowed me to go. But they have no trouble buying my kid the latest Air Jordan or Golden Goose shoes - yet private school is a waste of money. I must have been hatched from an egg.

Air Jordan or golden goose shoes cost a lot less than private school tuition. Maybe your parents are “wealthy“ because among the other good decisions that they made was not to throw money away on private school. Apparently, you did well enough that you’re in a position to afford it now, so what’s the issue? You sound extremely ungrateful.