Anyone’s else’s parents always commenting on how you spend your money?

[Anonymous]

I am so tired of hearing my parents lecture us or make snide comments about how DH and I spend our money. Neither of my parents came from wealthy families but worked really hard to give us a good life, which they certainly did. But we lived pretty frugally and they still do to this day. I am not sure they have really enjoyed much of their hard earned money - they talk about traveling to see the world but don’t do it, and will often talk about things they want and can easily afford, but say they would never spend that much money on something frivolous. That’s fine, they can spend their money how they want and I don’t talk to them about it other than reminding them every once in a while that life is short and they are still in good health so to enjoy themselves a little.

The issue is that DH and I live “an over the top lifestyle” in their opinion and they think we are being reckless. We also both work very hard and make a very nice income. We are saving for college and our retirement, but also want to enjoy life now by traveling and giving our kids experiences, and we like having nice things. Our 2,500 square foot starter house was feeling a little small so we bought a bigger house last fall and my parents are embarrassed that we live in a palace (trust me, it’s far from a palace). We often invite them to join us for dinner out with the kids and they often decline saying spending money at restaurants is a waste. And they are livid at Christmas when they see us giving our kids multiple gifts they don’t need (in their opinion).

They are entitled to their opinion, but I am so tired of hearing their comments or unsolicited financial advice. I have told them many times that I don’t want to discuss finances and they can live however they want just like we can live how we want, but they just can’t help themselves. Anyone have luck getting their parents or family to let it go? I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t hear something about how we are spending money foolishly.

[Anonymous]

My parents died when I was young, so this is from my uncle when I was 22, “If you have enough money to have Starbucks on your phone, you’re not saving enough.” It has continued from there over the 11 years that followed.

They mean well and come from a different time. They worry about money in a way our younger generation does not. I just let it go.

[Anonymous]

I have this problem but from a different perspective. My parents are wealthy and while I was not personally spoiled, I took for granted that we always had a nice new house, boat, swimming pool and so on. It happens that my own family is just middle class. My husband and I work in healthcare. We are careful with our money and live in a small old house with no luxuries. However we choose to spend money on certain things they find foolish (private school for our kids being the big one). They are appalled that we would spend money on something we could get for free. We get a LOT of unsolicited financial advice and they also offer to give us money, which we don't take because we know strings would be attached. I usually say something along the lines of "would you like to see our bank statements? 401k? Can I give you my Fidelity password? Maybe that would make you feel better to go over our accounts. " And we all laugh together until the next time they bring it up. Just promise them that you're taking care of everyone. It comes from a place of anxiety.

[Anonymous]

You’re an adult, and you set boundaries. You enforce them:

“Moving forward, any and all comments about how we spend money and financial decisions are not permitted. If we want your opinion, we will ask. If you choose not to follow this, our time together will end, whether than means ending the call, asking you to leave or leaving ourselves.”

Then expect them to test it. Expect that they will make a comment. They want to see if you really mean what you say, and if you really have a backbone. Welcome that opportunity and all subsequent ones with open arms. You cannot respond with “Come on mom, I told you not to say anything…” Nope. You simply have to respond with “I shared that we would leave. You just made a comment about our going out to a fancy dinner and wasting money. Let’s try again another time.” Then you literally walk out. No negotiation. No responding. Just walk out.

This is on you, OP. You either put up with it and make no complaints, or you set a boundary and enforce it every.single.time.

[Anonymous]

Never. They were worried I'd married a poor man and was going to be poor, but now they've figured out that we actually have a similar lifestyle to theirs (but it costs more, given we have kids), they feel much better, and don't say a word.

It's all about the lifestyle differential. As soon as yours is different from theirs, you're going to get comments either way from a certain type of anxious or jealous personality.

You might think of it in terms of generational wealth - perhaps your parents were hoping that their sacrifices would be the beginning of building family wealth passed down from generation to generation, and so they're not comfortable with spending on consumables when you could be investing in stocks (right time to do so in the coming months!) or secondary real estate.

I agree that once they've made their point, they should shut about it, though. It's your money. Perhaps a little distancing right now would get the point across.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have the same issue OP. As they have gotten older, they travel to see me less often so they don’t see the results of the spending: On the phone, I steer clear on conversations involving spending money. (Honestly I steer clear of a lot of conversations). I do tell them about vacations and brace myself for the reaction. Usually it’s limited to one comment and over time they have generally made fewer comments but I make it clear to them I don’t want to have the conversation. I know you said you do but sometimes tone, language, etc make a lot of difference. My parents would tell you that I am harsh or prickly with them. Frankly I think they should be pleased I keep trying despite all the attempts at boundary breaking.

[Anonymous]

2500-sq ft starter house? LOL.

[Anonymous]

“Livid” at Christmas over the gifts you give your children?
“Sorry, we won’t be able to have you over for Christmas this year. I’m not going to have you ruin it with your rude commentary.”

Declining invitations to go out to dinner?
Simply stop asking. Not another invitation. Stop being Charlie Brown whose waiting for the one time Lucy will hold the football.

Making comments about your spending?
Either leave or ask them to leave immediately. “I’m not wasting my time listening to this. Good bye.”

You teach people how to treat you. They don’t get a free pass to be rude just because they are you parents. If you stop putting up with it, they will have to learn to regulate themselves in order to see you and their grandchildren. It will be on them.

[Anonymous]

What about inviting them to a picnic at the beach?

[Anonymous]

OP, parents do not get a pass. Yours are rude. Since you are financially independent from them, there is no jusification for them being rude. Worry is not an excuse. Change your mindset, somewhat. How would you handle this from a friend? You'd get mad. After a few warning comments, you'd get mad and they would know it. You are allowed to do this. You would end the conversation, leave the room. You wouldn't invite them to events if they have a history of being rude at that event (Christmas)

Respect. Your parents owe you the respect of an adult, a financially independent adult. They can think whatever they want, any adult can do that. They do not get to speak it, not if it's rude.

[Anonymous]

Tell them you are tired of seeing people die without having enjoyed what their life could have offered. You are covering your financial needs and longterm goals so anything extra is going toward enjoying each day since the next is not guaranteed.

[Anonymous]

My parents are super wealthy and I appreciate all their money advice!

[Anonymous]

You will only get over it when you stop needing approval from your parents. Because that’s what this is really about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will only get over it when you stop needing approval from your parents. Because that’s what this is really about.

How does one do that? We are literally conditioned from birth to seek their approval.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will only get over it when you stop needing approval from your parents. Because that’s what this is really about.

How does one do that? We are literally conditioned from birth to seek their approval.

Coming to accept that they are simply fellow adults who you choose to have a relationship with because you want to.