How can I let stuff go and not be the grumpy aunt =(

[Anonymous]

“Sure, we can have Easter here, but I’m going to need some help cleaning up before everyone leaves. I’m not able to host this year if there isn’t help getting things in order.”

“Yes, I can watch them next weekend, but I want to make sure you are comfortable with three boundaries I need to set: they need to put their phones away when I ask them to, they need to help with dinner and with clean-up, and they need to go to bed without fighting me on it. Things have been out of hand when I watch them lately, and I’m not up for being the bad guy.”

In other words, just talk through the boundaries.

[Anonymous]

My house, my rules. That goes for cousins, friends, grandkids, etc.
I lovingly but firmly and EXPLICITLY state and follow they in exile rations. If you leave your kid with me don to get upset because expect them to not trash my house..

[Anonymous]

I don't understand how someone with so much experienced can't manage expectations in her own house. Kids are perfectly capable of understanding there are different rules for different places. Do you think they act this way in school?

[Anonymous]

Your house, your rules. If they don't follow them, then they can't stay in your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have kids. Have two sisters who are local, with four wonderful nephews and a niece (11, 6, 5, 3.)
I've been a nanny + ad-hoc sitter for 15 years and while I try not to, my experiences with all the families I've worked for really affects how I tend to interact with my little family members in a negative way, that's more obvious as they get older.

I'm very used to working for families in which there are expectations; kids need to help put away toys after playing, put dirty dish after meals in sink, throw trash in trashcan, you can't have unlimited screentime/use adults' phones when you want, candy/soda/other sweets and sugary foods are cool here and there but not unlimited.

So this is often what will happen, and btw, the 11 year old is great, rarely any issues and we hang out often. Kids will come over, raid pantry, don't throw away their trash and when I ask, whine or cry (literally) want to use my phone on the reg, will take out a bunch of toys and make a big fuss about helping to pick up after, even with me helping. This literally happens almost every single time. The place is a mess after they leave and I'm vac, cleaning and straightening up for 30min after. I've become quite a bit annoyed with these visits. Same when going to my sisters and helping to watch them. The thing is, I've noticed that the kids are able to really get away with stuff in their homes but it's not my place to mention so I rarely do. When I did years ago, it didn't go over well, and I get it. I'm not the parejt and I'm only seeing them a few hours a week so should be more easy going. At my home though, I try to enforce basic boundaries I feel, and it's an issue. They have a couple other local aunts who are "fun" and carefree about this stuff and I can definitely tell they enjoy spending more time with them, which is understandable.

I really want to build positive moments and connections with my little members while not spoiling them and letting the visits become something that ends up negatively exhausting me by the end. Any advice? TIA.

Well to be fair 30 minutes for clean up after 3 little kids have been over and isn't really that bad.

I think you need to start setting some rules. You don't need to do them all at once but pick one thing and let them know they at the beginning of the visit of the new rule and then enforce it.

If there are some toys or things they take out that are the messiest, put them away so they don't have easy access and they have to ask for them. If they ask why you moved them just say you were doing spring cleaning and rearranging.

It's getting nice outside, any outside projects you can come up with to do with them?

Try and keep and mind that it's ok if they aren't the best behaved with you. You aren't raising them and their behavior is not a reflection of your caregiving. You are their aunt and it's ok if they just have fun at your house. You don't need to worry about their growth and development because they have parents for doing that. You don't need to prove that you are a superior caregiver or "parent" which you might be unconsciously doing. You mentioned about being a nanny and all your experience and so on for example

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how someone with so much experienced can't manage expectations in her own house. Kids are perfectly capable of understanding there are different rules for different places. Do you think they act this way in school?

That’s exactly what I was thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have kids. Have two sisters who are local, with four wonderful nephews and a niece (11, 6, 5, 3.)
I've been a nanny + ad-hoc sitter for 15 years and while I try not to, my experiences with all the families I've worked for really affects how I tend to interact with my little family members in a negative way, that's more obvious as they get older.

I'm very used to working for families in which there are expectations; kids need to help put away toys after playing, put dirty dish after meals in sink, throw trash in trashcan, you can't have unlimited screentime/use adults' phones when you want, candy/soda/other sweets and sugary foods are cool here and there but not unlimited.

So this is often what will happen, and btw, the 11 year old is great, rarely any issues and we hang out often. Kids will come over, raid pantry, don't throw away their trash and when I ask, whine or cry (literally) want to use my phone on the reg, will take out a bunch of toys and make a big fuss about helping to pick up after, even with me helping. This literally happens almost every single time. The place is a mess after they leave and I'm vac, cleaning and straightening up for 30min after. I've become quite a bit annoyed with these visits. Same when going to my sisters and helping to watch them. The thing is, I've noticed that the kids are able to really get away with stuff in their homes but it's not my place to mention so I rarely do. When I did years ago, it didn't go over well, and I get it. I'm not the parejt and I'm only seeing them a few hours a week so should be more easy going. At my home though, I try to enforce basic boundaries I feel, and it's an issue. They have a couple other local aunts who are "fun" and carefree about this stuff and I can definitely tell they enjoy spending more time with them, which is understandable.

I really want to build positive moments and connections with my little members while not spoiling them and letting the visits become something that ends up negatively exhausting me by the end. Any advice? TIA.

Well to be fair 30 minutes for clean up after 3 little kids have been over and isn't really that bad.

I think you need to start setting some rules. You don't need to do them all at once but pick one thing and let them know they at the beginning of the visit of the new rule and then enforce it.

If there are some toys or things they take out that are the messiest, put them away so they don't have easy access and they have to ask for them. If they ask why you moved them just say you were doing spring cleaning and rearranging.

It's getting nice outside, any outside projects you can come up with to do with them?

Try and keep and mind that it's ok if they aren't the best behaved with you. You aren't raising them and their behavior is not a reflection of your caregiving. You are their aunt and it's ok if they just have fun at your house. You don't need to worry about their growth and development because they have parents for doing that. You don't need to prove that you are a superior caregiver or "parent" which you might be unconsciously doing. You mentioned about being a nanny and all your experience and so on for example

I agree with all of this (NP)

[Anonymous]

I think you may need to make it clear at the start that they have to follow your rules when you are in charge. Kids are actually really good at figuring out what rules to follow where. And really, really good at pretending like they do not know the rules. Be clear and firm. When they say “aunt Kathy would let me”, just acknowledge she might but you won’t. And stay form.

Unless the parents do not back you up. If that is true, tell them it’s too stressful for you to watch all of them at the same time.

[Anonymous]

I think it's important to lay down the law about your expectations with cleaning up, have some kind of structure/schedule (let's play a boardgame for 30 minutes then you can get to watch 30 minutes of TV then we can do x y and z)

[Anonymous]

Your expectations are fine, OP and it is annoying to be consistently challenged on the way you want to do things. The hard part is it sounds more like a problem with your siblings than with the kids. Even if they're fine with letting the kids run amok at home and have no rules or expectations, they're doing their kids a disservice to expect the entire world to accommodate them like that.

It would be nice if your siblings backed you up, but it seems like they're not going to. That doesn't mean that your way of doing things with the kids is wrong though, just harder because you're not getting any help or support with it (and are unfortunately getting complained to about it).

If this is the reality with these kids, I think you need to rethink how much you can/want to take on.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to pick your battles. You may be setting objectively reasonable boundaries but if the kids whine and cry and refuse to do them every time, is it worth it? What do you think you’re accomplishing with the boundaries? Do you continue to set them because you think maybe you’re training them in a way that their parents have failed to train them? I ask because my mom does that with my kids. She has rules that I don’t have (like my 3 year old must wait until the person who has cooked the food picks up her fork before she takes her first bite). I know it’s proper etiquette. I know my mom feels disrespected when my daughter starts eating as soon as food is put in front of her. I think it’s a silly expectation for a 3 year old and I won’t back my mom up on this. My mom says she continues to enforce it because “if I don’t teach her this, no one will.”

So…I would say examine your reasons for your rules. If you’re trying to teach the kids something that you think they are lacking, I would drop that, even if you think your rule is completely reasonable. A rule that is enforced only at the aunt’s house once a month (or whatever) and not backed up by the parents isn’t teaching the kids anything.

And cleaning up for half an hour after having kids over is not onerous at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Sure, we can have Easter here, but I’m going to need some help cleaning up before everyone leaves. I’m not able to host this year if there isn’t help getting things in order.”

“Yes, I can watch them next weekend, but I want to make sure you are comfortable with three boundaries I need to set: they need to put their phones away when I ask them to, they need to help with dinner and with clean-up, and they need to go to bed without fighting me on it. Things have been out of hand when I watch them lately, and I’m not up for being the bad guy.”

In other words, just talk through the boundaries.

Yes. When the kids arrive, you tell them the rules. “Everyone will help pick the toys you play with when they are done. All the toys will need to be picked up before we do xx”.

I do this when my kids friends or cousins come over. It’s helps to tell them before they make a mess.

[Anonymous]

I agree with rearranging the system. Only have toys that aren’t a huge pain to clean up. Your phone is “broken” when they are there - that also means you aren’t using it either, btw. Make them eat at the table and clean up.

Little kids will whine. Is the 11 year old helpful? Maybe you could pay them (on the side) to be your Auntie helper.

[Anonymous]

You mention that one of the kids has SPD. That’s a special need. Dollars to donuts that child will also be diagnosed with anxiety, autism, or ADHD later too (because SPD doesn’t stand alone — it accompanies something else). So keep in mind that it’s going to be harder for that child to meet expectations that seem completely reasonable to you. If you want to be a super aunt, read The Explosive Child.

[Anonymous]

You could also avoid the problem by taking them to a park instead of your house or visiting at their house.