How can I let stuff go and not be the grumpy aunt =(

[Anonymous]

I don't have kids. Have two sisters who are local, with four wonderful nephews and a niece (11, 6, 5, 3.)
I've been a nanny + ad-hoc sitter for 15 years and while I try not to, my experiences with all the families I've worked for really affects how I tend to interact with my little family members in a negative way, that's more obvious as they get older.

I'm very used to working for families in which there are expectations; kids need to help put away toys after playing, put dirty dish after meals in sink, throw trash in trashcan, you can't have unlimited screentime/use adults' phones when you want, candy/soda/other sweets and sugary foods are cool here and there but not unlimited.

So this is often what will happen, and btw, the 11 year old is great, rarely any issues and we hang out often. Kids will come over, raid pantry, don't throw away their trash and when I ask, whine or cry (literally) want to use my phone on the reg, will take out a bunch of toys and make a big fuss about helping to pick up after, even with me helping. This literally happens almost every single time. The place is a mess after they leave and I'm vac, cleaning and straightening up for 30min after. I've become quite a bit annoyed with these visits. Same when going to my sisters and helping to watch them. The thing is, I've noticed that the kids are able to really get away with stuff in their homes but it's not my place to mention so I rarely do. When I did years ago, it didn't go over well, and I get it. I'm not the parejt and I'm only seeing them a few hours a week so should be more easy going. At my home though, I try to enforce basic boundaries I feel, and it's an issue. They have a couple other local aunts who are "fun" and carefree about this stuff and I can definitely tell they enjoy spending more time with them, which is understandable.

I really want to build positive moments and connections with my little members while not spoiling them and letting the visits become something that ends up negatively exhausting me by the end. Any advice? TIA.

[Anonymous]

I probably wouldn’t have the kids at my home under these circumstances. Have you tried doing outings instead? Ideally with 1 kid at a time? Science museum, movie, shopping, ice cream, etc.

It might be more enjoyable than worrying about them trashing your house.

[Anonymous]

Did you ever babysit for a large family like that? That is a LOT of little kids, and screaming and exhaustion are to be expected. It’s much easier to give in than train 3 kids under 5 to help clean up. And no matter how well trained it’s always going to be chaotic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I probably wouldn’t have the kids at my home under these circumstances. Have you tried doing outings instead? Ideally with 1 kid at a time? Science museum, movie, shopping, ice cream, etc.

It might be more enjoyable than worrying about them trashing your house.

OP here. Thanks for your response. Yes, I have, and it's definitely not easy. The 3 and 6 year old are siblings and usually taken out together but tend to argue with each other a lot. Turns into lots of crying. 5 year old has sensory processing disorder and it's difficult to take him out sometimes, even when he's with his parents. I think I'd like to try this again though as I haven't taken the younger 3 out anywhere this year and it would be a change and maybe a tad easier with solo 1-on-1 time.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they are relying on you to help, but not really letting you be in charge. We have a full time nanny and work from home and have learned that it has to be very clear to the children who is in charge. It simply does not work for all of us to be together at once-the kids end up acting out very badly. So when the nanny is here, we don’t come out of our office. If for some reason we must, if the kids ask for something, we don’t engage and redirect them to the nanny.

We don’t even attempt things like outings with the kids and the nanny together-the kids won’t accept the nannys authority if we are there.

I would boundary set with your sibling. Only take one kid out at a time and not to your house. If they need childcare, they need to figure that out themselves. Then you can just focus on being the fun aunt.

[Anonymous]

So my sister is a beloved fun aunt to my kids, but one who they know has hard and fast rules at her house, even if they aren’t the same as the rules at home.

Decide what matters the most to you-for instance, the picking up after themselves, and let go on others, such as the using adults phones.

My kids know I won’t buy fruit snacks or crappy sugar cereal but their aunt sticks both just for them. And it’s her house, her rules, so she gets to give them out as she wishes. I don’t interfere or limit.
On the other hand, they know she’s going to sweep or vacuum the floor probably twice a day and if every last thing they played with isn’t picked up as soon as they are done they’ll get scolded and have to drop everything to clean up when she says so. At home I don’t mind the clutter of their toys as we go about our day and we clean up at the end of the day all at once, or it’s fine for a project to be left out for a while as they do bits of it over several days on our dining room table.

[Anonymous]

Kids are very different with their nannies than with their families. You should know this by now. You don't see your bosses' families when you're not around. My SIL is the kind of aunt you are and my kids can't stand her. It sounds like you really only enjoy children who you can be in charge of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are very different with their nannies than with their families. You should know this by now. You don't see your bosses' families when you're not around. My SIL is the kind of aunt you are and my kids can't stand her. It sounds like you really only enjoy children who you can be in charge of.

wow, this is dumb. yes, aunt is in charge of 3 year old left in her care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I probably wouldn’t have the kids at my home under these circumstances. Have you tried doing outings instead? Ideally with 1 kid at a time? Science museum, movie, shopping, ice cream, etc.

It might be more enjoyable than worrying about them trashing your house.

OP here. Thanks for your response. Yes, I have, and it's definitely not easy. The 3 and 6 year old are siblings and usually taken out together but tend to argue with each other a lot. Turns into lots of crying. 5 year old has sensory processing disorder and it's difficult to take him out sometimes, even when he's with his parents. I think I'd like to try this again though as I haven't taken the younger 3 out anywhere this year and it would be a change and maybe a tad easier with solo 1-on-1 time.

wait so this is a blended family with a 5 yr old on the spectrum, plus a 6 and 3 year old? OP your expectations are wayyy too high. This situation is going to be a sh-t storm no matter what. I come from a large family where we actually had a really clear chore system but the kids didn’t really start participating until 6-7. And we coped by having the older kids care for the younger, and a lot of parental neglect teaching kids not to expect anything from adults. the fact that the kids clamor enough to get spoiled (which is I’m sure what you are thinking) is actually in some ways positive.

you need to reframe what you’re doing here - you are helping this family survive and hopefully being another adult the kids can bond to. Your house is going to be a mess if you have 4 kids over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I probably wouldn’t have the kids at my home under these circumstances. Have you tried doing outings instead? Ideally with 1 kid at a time? Science museum, movie, shopping, ice cream, etc.

It might be more enjoyable than worrying about them trashing your house.

OP here. Thanks for your response. Yes, I have, and it's definitely not easy. The 3 and 6 year old are siblings and usually taken out together but tend to argue with each other a lot. Turns into lots of crying. 5 year old has sensory processing disorder and it's difficult to take him out sometimes, even when he's with his parents. I think I'd like to try this again though as I haven't taken the younger 3 out anywhere this year and it would be a change and maybe a tad easier with solo 1-on-1 time.

wait so this is a blended family with a 5 yr old on the spectrum, plus a 6 and 3 year old? OP your expectations are wayyy too high. This situation is going to be a sh-t storm no matter what. I come from a large family where we actually had a really clear chore system but the kids didn’t really start participating until 6-7. And we coped by having the older kids care for the younger, and a lot of parental neglect teaching kids not to expect anything from adults. the fact that the kids clamor enough to get spoiled (which is I’m sure what you are thinking) is actually in some ways positive.

you need to reframe what you’re doing here - you are helping this family survive and hopefully being another adult the kids can bond to. Your house is going to be a mess if you have 4 kids over.

No, she has two sisters who have kids. So it sounds like one has the 3 and 6 year olds, and one has the 5 and 11 year olds.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my nephews, who are now college aged and experiencing failure to launch. All of us (other sibling, our parents, and I) were exhausted by their behavior and frustrated by the lack of boundaries and follow through the boys experienced at home. It certainly has come home to roost and it's just a shame all around.

I would just say . . . stick with your boundaries and follow through. It's good for the kids and will help them reset their expectations of how the world will treat them. And by all means, if you find it too stressful, step back from helping out with them so much. In a few years they may be more manageable for trips to the zoo etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, work with them. Let them know your expectation in your home and with the little ones do it together. Lets throw out your trash. Can you please pick it up? Can you please put it in the trash can right here? Thank you, great job.

[Anonymous]

It sucks OP--I'm both and aunt and nanny too. My nieces and nephews are a lot older now though--most are grown. When they were little, I just didn't have that many toys for them to dump out. One bin, and that's it. Easy peasy to put back. My two cents is to limit what they have access to. If they whine and cry they want some other toy, remind them they didn't help clean up last time so no they can't have it. We can try again when they're older and more helpful. Also, have you tried making clean up a game? Who can put the most toys away the fastest? If needed, add a prize of some sort like a sticker or cookie or whatever works. I guarantee next time, they'll ALL be putting away fast!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I probably wouldn’t have the kids at my home under these circumstances. Have you tried doing outings instead? Ideally with 1 kid at a time? Science museum, movie, shopping, ice cream, etc.

It might be more enjoyable than worrying about them trashing your house.

OP here. Thanks for your response. Yes, I have, and it's definitely not easy. The 3 and 6 year old are siblings and usually taken out together but tend to argue with each other a lot. Turns into lots of crying. 5 year old has sensory processing disorder and it's difficult to take him out sometimes, even when he's with his parents. I think I'd like to try this again though as I haven't taken the younger 3 out anywhere this year and it would be a change and maybe a tad easier with solo 1-on-1 time.

wait so this is a blended family with a 5 yr old on the spectrum, plus a 6 and 3 year old? OP your expectations are wayyy too high. This situation is going to be a sh-t storm no matter what. I come from a large family where we actually had a really clear chore system but the kids didn’t really start participating until 6-7. And we coped by having the older kids care for the younger, and a lot of parental neglect teaching kids not to expect anything from adults. the fact that the kids clamor enough to get spoiled (which is I’m sure what you are thinking) is actually in some ways positive.

you need to reframe what you’re doing here - you are helping this family survive and hopefully being another adult the kids can bond to. Your house is going to be a mess if you have 4 kids over.

No, she has two sisters who have kids. So it sounds like one has the 3 and 6 year olds, and one has the 5 and 11 year olds.

Oh ok. Well, it’s still extremely unrealistic to expect all those kids to behave perfectly.

[Anonymous]

See them at separate times and don’t have them over. Maybe take them out for a short trip to get ice cream. My sister has kids and didn’t do well with mine (or even her own) when they were those ages. They all get along much better with each other and the adults now that they are tweens and teens.