Battle of the aunts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How hard is it to invite your sister over one day and tell DJs sister sorry we're having company.

You clearly don't like your sister and you can go right ahead and favor your SIL because she's a free babysitter but this will come back to bite you in the ass

Her SIL will be favored because she is establishing relationships with the kids. Her own sister is not engaged with kids and only complaining because she wants to be the victim here. It's only going to come snd bite her sister in the ass.

[Anonymous]

Kids are pretty savvy about whether the adult is interested in them or using them. The older the kid gets the more they not only notice this but don’t put up with this.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there's a lot you can do except keep inviting her over. It sucks that she's not self-aware enough to see why the kids gravitate to their other aunt -- maybe instead of making it about the kids try to respond by saying something you do value/like about her? I know you clearly prefer your SIL but there must be something you think is admirable about your sister, right?

FWIW, I have an aunt and a sister who are just really not little kid people. They aren't jealous/on their phone like you describe, but they're really not great with dealing with little kids. But they are both invaluable family members for teens to have. I know I valued visiting my not-good-with-kids aunt as a teen and being able to connect with in a more adult peer way (because she didn't know how to talk to me as a kid lol) and it helped me figure out some stuff. Similarly, my sister has never been a close confidant of our niece but when she (the niece) was going through some stuff as a teen, my sister's presents were always the best because my sister always gives books and she was GOOD and choosing the things my niece needed when everyone else was floundering. So the ability to get down and play pretend or build lego with elementary schoolers is absolutely not required for a good aunt/nibling relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think there's a lot you can do except keep inviting her over. It sucks that she's not self-aware enough to see why the kids gravitate to their other aunt -- maybe instead of making it about the kids try to respond by saying something you do value/like about her? I know you clearly prefer your SIL but there must be something you think is admirable about your sister, right?

FWIW, I have an aunt and a sister who are just really not little kid people. They aren't jealous/on their phone like you describe, but they're really not great with dealing with little kids. But they are both invaluable family members for teens to have. I know I valued visiting my not-good-with-kids aunt as a teen and being able to connect with in a more adult peer way (because she didn't know how to talk to me as a kid lol) and it helped me figure out some stuff. Similarly, my sister has never been a close confidant of our niece but when she (the niece) was going through some stuff as a teen, my sister's presents were always the best because my sister always gives books and she was GOOD and choosing the things my niece needed when everyone else was floundering. So the ability to get down and play pretend or build lego with elementary schoolers is absolutely not required for a good aunt/nibling relationship.

This is true. I have an aunt/uncle who were great w us when we were young kids (I remember playing w them a lot and thinking they were so fun) but then they didn’t seem to know how to relate to us as we got older—they didn’t know how to have a relationship w teens/young adults. They’re still great w young kids though! Then I have another uncle who showed no interest in us until we were young adults and now that we’re grown, we’ve become really close to that uncle. He’s just not a kid person.

[Anonymous]

“I don’t know what to tell you, Meg. The kids are just at ages where they enjoy playing. If that’s not your interest then I can’t make it so. The kids love you and they love their Auntie Sue too - for different reasons. Don’t make everything a competition. I’m not going to interfere in either of your relationships and you’re just going to have to make yours the way you want.”

[Anonymous]

1. Playing Legos is great but it's not the end all be all. You might find your sister and kids become closer as your kids age. It happened for my sister and kids, and she became invaluable when my oldest went through some very serious things as an older teen and younger adult. My sister has also given our kids excellent career advice. So don't count sis out yet


2. Hold onto your individual relationship with your sister. Um going to be that annoying older nim now, but as someone whose kids have left the nest and in her 60s now I truly cherish my sister now and wish I had made time for her when I was a younger mom.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have been honest with your sister and she doesn't get it. She sounds like a negative person in general so I don't know that explaining it again will make much of a difference. I do think that keeping the visits separate as much as possible is a good idea but do what you can do. This is your sister's issue to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I don’t know what to tell you, Meg. The kids are just at ages where they enjoy playing. If that’s not your interest then I can’t make it so. The kids love you and they love their Auntie Sue too - for different reasons. Don’t make everything a competition. I’m not going to interfere in either of your relationships and you’re just going to have to make yours the way you want.”

Excellent response. OP doesn’t not need to rehash this anymore.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there's really anything you can do to get your sister to connect the dots between her lack of effort and its natural consequences. This isn't specific to her being an aunt . . . she has this issue in her whole life. It's unlikely to change without therapy and serious motivation on her part.

You've tried giving her tips, you've tried scheduling the aunts separately . . . I really think now you just do whatever you can to minimize the annoyance to yourself and your kids. Invite her to a family movie where she can get credit for doing something fun with the kids and all she has to do is sit on her butt. Go to the zoo, etc. I think activities out of the house where it's really hard to be on your phone would best suit her . . . strengths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“I don’t know what to tell you, Meg. The kids are just at ages where they enjoy playing. If that’s not your interest then I can’t make it so. The kids love you and they love their Auntie Sue too - for different reasons. Don’t make everything a competition. I’m not going to interfere in either of your relationships and you’re just going to have to make yours the way you want.”

Excellent response. OP doesn’t not need to rehash this anymore.

Agreed - excellent response.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my sister. She behaves in a certain way and then wonders why things don’t happen how she wants them to. I pointed her behavior out to her. It did not help but at least she knows the deal.

If you want X kind of relationship or output you have e to do as kind of input.

The irony is your kids have begged her to read to them and she doesn’t put much into it. They do (or at least did) like her enough to ask her to read them a book.

Long ago, before I had kids, I was at a friend’s house for dinner and super boring for the kid. He gravitated to someone who knew what they were doing with kids. I was clueless and uncomfortable with kids back then. I learned from this and did things differently after that. Not everyone wants to learn or change.