Battle of the aunts

[Anonymous]

DH and I each have one sister, both are not married (and no kids of their own). DH’s sister is super aunt - so fun, engaging, creative (likes to bring projects for them to do together), gets down to play and takes an active interest in my kids who are 3 and 7. My sister is super boring. Rarely gets down on the floor with them, is constantly on her phone when around them (so not engaged), etc. It matches my sister’s personality, unfortunately. Even her tone of voice reading a book (after the kids begging) is boring and often they lose interest and walk away.

Both of them live close to us and regularly come over, and more and more often they have been over at the same time (they both ask to come by at the same time) and it has become very obvious to my sister that my kids gravitate toward DH’s sister over her for all the reasons above. Now my sister is complaining about how we let the kids spend more time with DH’s sister which is why they are closer (not true at all) and that DH’s sister is trying to sabotage the relationship and one up her (also not true). She has asked us not to invite them over together anymore, which we have tried, but then she gets mad when I say DH’s sister is coming over so maybe she wants to find another time. Plus when DH’s sister comes over it’s actually helpful because she plays with the kids. My sister sits on our couch snacking and complaining about all the injustices and things that aren’t fair in her life, literally for hours. It’s exhausting.

The hard part is that I prefer DH’s sister to be around vs my own sister. She is fun to hang out and chat with in general and with my sister it’s like we are entertaining her.

Any recommendations for how to manage this? My sister is really making me crazy over this and it’s making me not want to see her at all.

[Anonymous]

How hard is it to invite your sister over one day and tell DJs sister sorry we're having company.

You clearly don't like your sister and you can go right ahead and favor your SIL because she's a free babysitter but this will come back to bite you in the ass

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How hard is it to invite your sister over one day and tell DJs sister sorry we're having company.

You clearly don't like your sister and you can go right ahead and favor your SIL because she's a free babysitter but this will come back to bite you in the ass

That is exactly what I do now - invite my sister one day and SIL the other, so they don’t overlap. But she has seen how my kids interact with SIL and feels they don’t do that with her. The difference is that SIL engages them and my sister expects them to come to her. So she comes over and is angry the kids don’t want to listen to her complain on the couch.

I am not asking SIL to babysit, she genuinely likes to play with my kids.

[Anonymous]

She knows why the kids are more connected to the other aunt and it has nothing to do with the amount of time together. I would decline her request to have separate visits only. SIL has taken the interest and time to foster engage with and foster a relationship with the kids. If she wants a closer connection then maybe she can find an interest of hers to share with the kids and get to know them better.

[Anonymous]

Have you actually TOLD your sister this? Like, about being in her phone? You can’t force your kids to like her, you don’t even much like her. Why are you letting this tak an emotional toll on you? You do not have to spend so much time with her.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she'd like to spend some time with you sister to sister. If you actually like her you could have dil B's you can have dil babysit and go out for drinks with did

Also. I also wouldn't write your sister off yet your kids may find SIL smothering when they get older and past the play on the floor stage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She knows why the kids are more connected to the other aunt and it has nothing to do with the amount of time together. I would decline her request to have separate visits only. SIL has taken the interest and time to foster engage with and foster a relationship with the kids. If she wants a closer connection then maybe she can find an interest of hers to share with the kids and get to know them better.

And when is she supposed to do this if SIzl is monopolizing their time?

[Anonymous]

What kind of relationship do you want your kids to have with each other when older,?.

They will learn this from you with how you treat your sister.

Also your sister is the best donor match for you or your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How hard is it to invite your sister over one day and tell DJs sister sorry we're having company.

You clearly don't like your sister and you can go right ahead and favor your SIL because she's a free babysitter but this will come back to bite you in the ass

That is exactly what I do now - invite my sister one day and SIL the other, so they don’t overlap. But she has seen how my kids interact with SIL and feels they don’t do that with her. The difference is that SIL engages them and my sister expects them to come to her. So she comes over and is angry the kids don’t want to listen to her complain on the couch.

I am not asking SIL to babysit, she genuinely likes to play with my kids.

You literally said dil.makes things easier for you...ie free babysitter.

Why don't you come up with an activity for your sister and kids to do when she's over ,? She might not be the play on the floor type but she might be great at baking or hairstyles or trip to zoo, reading a favorite book etc

It's not hard. You just don't like your sister.
And you'll be here in about 5 years wondering why your sister spends all her time with her in laws

[Anonymous]

You need to be honest with her and tell her what you've told us, above.

We had a similar situation when our 2 kids were tiny, with our MIL. She complained to my Dh that my father was always at our house and why wasn't she invited. He told her - he comes over and cooks a family meal for us, cleans up after, and when you (she) comes over, you sit and expect us to wait on you and bring you drinks etc and for the children to entertain you. HE entertains the kids. It's less work for us.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I agree with PPs who say be honest. Not brutal, but not sugar coated either. Just point out that the SIL meets the kids on their level, whereas your sister wants the kids to do adult things that aren't age appropriate for small children. You could throw out some ideas for fun activities and see how that goes.

There's no rule that says you have to let your Debbie Downer sister take over your life though. She seems really negative, and I find that spending large amounts of time around very negative people affects my mental health. My home is my safe space, and I wouldn't want to feel like I'm walking on eggshells, nor should my children feel that way. If I wanted to spend time with her one on one, I might try to plan adult evenings away from home, but I'd probably just limit time with her.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I do like my sister but our relationship is best in smaller doses. We are complete opposites in most ways. We do spend time together one on one as well, but if you’ve ever had someone in your life who is very negative, you know how hard it is. That’s not really the point of this post though (my relationship with my sister).

I have told her before that she is on her phone too much and needs to engage better with the kids. I have given examples but she doesn’t seem to get it.
Honestly she doesn’t have any interests which makes it tough - doesn’t like cooking, baking, art, crafts, running around, going to museums, etc. She was over last night and the kids were making rainbow loom bracelets and offered to show her how but she said it looked too complicated and just looked at Instagram on her phone. I tried asking what a good relationship looks like to her and she said she wants the kids to be excited about her, but can’t seem to recognize the effort she needs to put in to make that happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I do like my sister but our relationship is best in smaller doses. We are complete opposites in most ways. We do spend time together one on one as well, but if you’ve ever had someone in your life who is very negative, you know how hard it is. That’s not really the point of this post though (my relationship with my sister).

I have told her before that she is on her phone too much and needs to engage better with the kids. I have given examples but she doesn’t seem to get it.
Honestly she doesn’t have any interests which makes it tough - doesn’t like cooking, baking, art, crafts, running around, going to museums, etc. She was over last night and the kids were making rainbow loom bracelets and offered to show her how but she said it looked too complicated and just looked at Instagram on her phone. I tried asking what a good relationship looks like to her and she said she wants the kids to be excited about her, but can’t seem to recognize the effort she needs to put in to make that happen.

She might be depressed, or she may just be a downer. Some people are like that. It sounds like you've made reasonable attempts to explain and accommodate her. She has to do some work, but she's not willing to, so she's making her choice. It's up to you how much further you want to accommodate her, by scheduling around her whims and how much you want to listen to her complain about the world not bending to her will. I'm sure this isn't the first time you've had to deal with her wanting something for nothing, but it probably feels different because it involves your children and their relationship with your sister. That's just a manipulation tactic on her part though, and there's no need for you to treat it differently than if she were complaining she's not a size 2 while eating bags of potato chips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I do like my sister but our relationship is best in smaller doses. We are complete opposites in most ways. We do spend time together one on one as well, but if you’ve ever had someone in your life who is very negative, you know how hard it is. That’s not really the point of this post though (my relationship with my sister).

I have told her before that she is on her phone too much and needs to engage better with the kids. I have given examples but she doesn’t seem to get it.
Honestly she doesn’t have any interests which makes it tough - doesn’t like cooking, baking, art, crafts, running around, going to museums, etc. She was over last night and the kids were making rainbow loom bracelets and offered to show her how but she said it looked too complicated and just looked at Instagram on her phone. I tried asking what a good relationship looks like to her and she said she wants the kids to be excited about her, but can’t seem to recognize the effort she needs to put in to make that happen.

That’s exactly what you should be doing—point it out in the moment. When she complains about her relationship not being what she wants, you can respond with, “I’ve repeatedly told that when you do things like sit on your phone rather than do an activity with them, it doesn’t make them excited to see you. Yet you continue to hang out on your phone. You don’t engage with them. These are choices YOU are making that result in a different relationship from what you want. It’s like working 40 hours a week at a job that pays $10 an hour and then acting surprised and upset when your weekly paycheck isn’t $1000.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of relationship do you want your kids to have with each other when older,?.

They will learn this from you with how you treat your sister.

Also your sister is the best donor match for you or your kids.

What a bizarre thing to say.